Sunday, January 29, 2017

It's The Little Things

It has been a real struggle for me.  I am submissive in nature.  Those who have followed me know that The Man works out of town 6 months out of the year.  We have had a real struggle the last 2 years.

I ask myself questions like, can I trust you to be dominant again?  But that's not the right question.  Can I trust you not to hurt me again?  But that isn't the right question.  Can I trust you to be consistent?  Can I trust you to take this as seriously as I do?  Can I trust this to matter to you?  Can I trust you to be vested in this lifestyle?  All of those question lead to the burning question....  Can I trust  you to be HoH of our home?

Things were comfortable.  No great highs, no great lows.  I end p feeling like we are cohabitating.  It's not a bad way to live.  It's comfortable, easy, but its like something is missing.  I am keeping a part of myself to myself.  I don't have the answer.  We had the conversation that we were happier when things were more defined, and that we wanted to go back or try again, and then.. nothing.

Am I wrong to feel like I might as well be HoH if I have to make every attempt, I'm the one that sets it up.  I'm the one that decides the rules?  I don't have an answer for that either.

Then, there are times like this morning in church, during communion, when you took both your portion and mine and served me, that makes my heart melt.  In that moment, you are the head of our home and I am under your shoulder, your protection and it is amazing.

I am searching my heart for my submission.  Is my submission contingent on your leadership?  Your dominance?  I don't know.  I don't think so, but it's so very hard to be submissive when I don't know what I'm being submissive to or for.

I know that submissive or not.  Dominant or not, it's not a deal breaker for our marriage.  I love you very much and you love me.  I just don't know what to do with the rest.