Saturday, February 4, 2017

Date Night

Yay!!!!  Tonight is date night.  We don't do it very often.  Lots of time, I would rather stay in and cook and just be together.  Tonight however, is date night.  I am relaxing today (yes, there are lots of other things to be doing) so that I won't be tired.  I will dress up, taking time with what I wear, my make up and hair.  We will go out to our favorite restaurant and enjoy one another's company.  It will be just grown up time.  I'm not allowed to talk about work.  

I am hoping, that we can maybe start to talk about how we want things to be.  I was thinking the other day.  It has been a very long time since we talked about us.  Where we are.  Where we want to be.  What things we want to accomplish.  What area of our relationship we want to work on.  

We spent time together cleaning our room and rearranging the furniture.  The Man is working on getting rid of the clutter in the house.  I don't know where we are headed with TTWD.  I think we are both going to have to give, alot....  There are things that make it very difficult for him to remain consistent.  I think we are going to have to pick just certain things.  

Anyway.... I digress.  I am just happy to be spending time with him alone tonight.  

Sunday, January 29, 2017

It's The Little Things

It has been a real struggle for me.  I am submissive in nature.  Those who have followed me know that The Man works out of town 6 months out of the year.  We have had a real struggle the last 2 years.

I ask myself questions like, can I trust you to be dominant again?  But that's not the right question.  Can I trust you not to hurt me again?  But that isn't the right question.  Can I trust you to be consistent?  Can I trust you to take this as seriously as I do?  Can I trust this to matter to you?  Can I trust you to be vested in this lifestyle?  All of those question lead to the burning question....  Can I trust  you to be HoH of our home?

Things were comfortable.  No great highs, no great lows.  I end p feeling like we are cohabitating.  It's not a bad way to live.  It's comfortable, easy, but its like something is missing.  I am keeping a part of myself to myself.  I don't have the answer.  We had the conversation that we were happier when things were more defined, and that we wanted to go back or try again, and then.. nothing.

Am I wrong to feel like I might as well be HoH if I have to make every attempt, I'm the one that sets it up.  I'm the one that decides the rules?  I don't have an answer for that either.

Then, there are times like this morning in church, during communion, when you took both your portion and mine and served me, that makes my heart melt.  In that moment, you are the head of our home and I am under your shoulder, your protection and it is amazing.

I am searching my heart for my submission.  Is my submission contingent on your leadership?  Your dominance?  I don't know.  I don't think so, but it's so very hard to be submissive when I don't know what I'm being submissive to or for.

I know that submissive or not.  Dominant or not, it's not a deal breaker for our marriage.  I love you very much and you love me.  I just don't know what to do with the rest.