Friday, April 3, 2015

What I Need, When I Need It...

The Man is home.  He has been for a little over a week.  There hasn't been a lot of talking.  It was very awkward when he first got home.  I was and still am to a large degree very guarded.  I don't want to be hurtful, nor do I want to be hurt.

Some things are better.  Some things have just been left hanging out there, not really sure how to draw them in or release them.. so there they stay.

There have been some things that have really reached me.  I had a very dear friend whom I loved dearly go home to be with Jesus very unexpectedly.  It broke my heart.  We have been friends since college.  I wouldn't have made it through my first two years without her.  I called her Sunshine, because that is what she was to everyone.  After watching the recording of her funeral, I was beside myself with grief and emotions battered my soul till I thought I would drown in them.  In a moment of desperation, I gathered several implements and begged The Man to please help me and to make it better.  (There had been no spanking up until this point).  The Man in his calm and loving way, spanked me until I could cry for my friend and the loss of her light in this world.  He loved me and then held me as I sobbed for the loss of my friend.

I had a situation that I was trying to get straightened out at a store, and they were NOT being forthcoming in how to cancel the order and get a refund.  After over an hour, I called The Man, and it went something like this:

Me:  Sweetheart, I have been here an hour, and I can not get this worked out, can you come?

The Man:  On my way, be there ASAP.

And when he got there, he took care of it.  He came marching into the section of the store I was in and it was VERY obvious he was not pleased with whoever had upset his wife to the place she called for back up.  With a few well placed comments and questions, we were on our way up front to have our money refunded.  He never raised his voice or was inappropriate.  It was pretty cool to watch truth be told...

The Man has worked hard on thing around the house that I would like to see done.  I am appreciative of everything that has been done.  He has enlisted the help of our youngest two sons and they are making some serious progress.

Then why do I still feel so alone?  Why do I feel like there is a wall between him and me? 

15 comments:

  1. Dana,

    Years ago I had the same issue of feeling alone. I held it and turned it over in my head for months. But, after a while the alone feeling intensified. I could not take it any longer, nor would I avoid discussing the issue that it all stemmed from (no not an affair). I decided to be forthcoming with everything I felt (calmly though), I expressed my disappointment, wide array of emotions, and even the craziness in my head concerning it all. And then it happened, we communicated in the deepest way, we always had communicated, just not like that. We took a day and shut the world away, made arrangements for our teen to be out of the house, and talked in the bedroom in our pj's ALL day long,

    I do hope you find a solution and your loneliness eases away.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathy. We are going to have to talk at some point. I hate conflict and so does he. However, I can't take feeling so, separate..

      Delete
  2. Hey Dana,
    When I feel like this it's usually because hubby and I haven't talked things all the way through. Either he or I am holding something back - and until it's all said and talked about, it will always be a kind of wall. There may be more to it in your case - but that's what I've learned about us.
    I'm really glad that he's able to come to your rescue when you need him most. :)
    hugs,
    Cali

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is a good man and I love him. I am just hurt, and well, am afraid. Trust is a big, huge really issue for me.

      Delete
  3. Hey sweet lady...I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend. What a loving gift the Man gave you to help deal with it. Sitting here cheering as I read about the Man getting you your refund. Hon...you only have a few weeks to get this hurtful wall torn down and we both know the longer it remains up, the harder it's gonna be to tear down. Would it help to write down all your feelings in a letter to him? Would it help just to yell at someone? If so, I am available. Please know I am here if there is anything I can do for either one of you. Sending prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks sugar.. and I am working on it. we are working on it. Trust is a huge issue for me as is anything that feels like looks like or resembles betrayal...

      Delete
  4. Dana,
    I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like your husband is more than willing to come to your rescue--so I would encourage you, just as others have, talk it out. Let him rescue you from your loneliness. Be vulnerable and bare your heart to him. Pray for wisdom in how best to share your hurt with your husband. God promises to give us wisdom if we just ask.i pray you can resolve things quickly so you can move ahead. Hugs, Megan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am trying. It has been a difficult time. I love him so very much and I hate the thought of hurting him and I'm not big on conflict. Of course, I'm also not big on how things are right now.. The proverbial between a rock and a hard place seems to be my home right now.

      Delete
  5. I hate those walls, and they are very familiar to me. Seems like just when I get them all knocked down again, something happens and they fly back up. I'm so sorry about your friend's death. (((hugs))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Renee. Things are some better. We reconnected last night, and I feel some better. It's just a tough hurdle. I miss her every day.

      Delete
  6. This post gives me a lot of hope. I believe that you two will get through this. I pray that this will happen soon, and there will not be a lot of time spent being sad, confused, and upset.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What you need now, dear,
    is to get involved with RCIA...
    Lemme show you how to wiseabove.

    Yeah, I'm a total pariah...
    yet, I'm going to Seventh-Heaven.
    Where you going?
    If 1-outta-1 bites-the-dust
    and if you dont yet know,
    lemme show you how to wiseabove...

    DATS D'FAK, Jak:

    When our soul leaves our body
    and we riseabove to meet our Maker,
    only four, last things remain:
    death, judgement, Heaven or Hell.
    (which is exactly what happened to me:
    Im an NDE - my colorFULL nomenclature).

    Find-out what RCIA is and join
    (ya might wanna check-out
    'Lui et Moi' by Gabrielle Bossis -
    a French writer, translated;
    a wonderfull novel which'll
    ROCK, YOUR, WORLD, earthling).

    Make Your Choice -SAW
    Google+: kold_kadavr_ flatliner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The term 'FEAR GOD' simply means
      AWE and RESPECT which most of
      U.S. have lost due to the
      horrific nature of abortion.

      FEAR GOD, mortal, and join this
      sinfull mortal Upstairs when we
      perish; honor N respect Jesus or
      He wont do likewise at death's hour:
      Only 2 realms after our
      lifelong demise, folks...
      and 1 of em aint too cool.

      SOLUTION?
      Take RCIA.

      Delete
    2. The term 'FEAR GOD' simply means
      AWE and RESPECT which most of
      U.S. have lost due to the
      horrific nature of abortion.

      FEAR GOD, mortal, and join this
      sinfull mortal Upstairs when we
      perish; honor N respect Jesus or
      He wont do likewise at death's hour:
      Only 2 realms after our
      lifelong demise, folks...
      and 1 of em aint too cool.

      SOLUTION?
      Take RCIA.

      Delete
  8. What you need now, dear,
    is to get involved with RCIA...
    Lemme show you how to wiseabove.

    Yeah, I'm a total pariah...
    yet, I'm going to Seventh-Heaven.
    Where you going?
    If 1-outta-1 bites-the-dust
    and if you dont yet know,
    lemme show you how to wiseabove...

    DATS D'FAK, Jak:

    When our soul leaves our body
    and we riseabove to meet our Maker,
    only four, last things remain:
    death, judgement, Heaven or Hell.
    (which is exactly what happened to me:
    Im an NDE - my colorFULL nomenclature).

    Find-out what RCIA is and join
    (ya might wanna check-out
    'Lui et Moi' by Gabrielle Bossis -
    a French writer, translated;
    a wonderfull novel which'll
    ROCK, YOUR, WORLD, earthling).

    Make Your Choice -SAW
    Google+: kold_kadavr_ flatliner

    ReplyDelete