Monday, March 16, 2015

At a Crossroads...

Someone (Cat) suggested I try to process and put my thoughts out there, and see if I can get clarity.  When I am really struggling with something that is hurtful and has the possibility to hurt others, I tend to withdrawal.  Therefore, I have hunkered down.  I guess my absence has been noticed, as I had two of my blogland friends contact me on the same day.

Before I go into anything, please keep in mind, I love The Man very much.  I am very hesitant to say anything because his feelings matter so very much to me, and I don't want anyone to think poorly of him.

The Man has done something that has hurt the trust I have in him.  I want to protect him, I know that the why behind what happened, and my mind understands it.  The me that has been shaken to the core, not so much.  I struggle with my own feelings because I know it was not intentional.  It was not the norm, but I am hurt and feel betrayed none the less.  To the place that for the first time since we began TTWD, I have considered withdrawing consent.

Before you think the wrong thing... no he was not unfaithful, no he didn't make a huge financial decision without me, no he has not been abusive, and finally... no he did not spank me in anger.

But what he did do was pull the emotional rug out from underneath me.  He made a statement/threat that made the safety and security I depend on to no longer feel that way.

I am concerned that with his ADHD, and other things that the responsibilities of being an HOH is too much of a strain and pressure for him. It's not easy being in charge, being the final say.  I am not being sarcastic when I say that.  I fear he is forcing himself into a role he does not want for my sake.

I just know that at this point, I can't even fathom consenting to a spanking at this point.  Good girl or otherwise.  This is a trust issue for me all the way around.  Over the two years I have been reading and blogging, I have seen many women or couples struggle with similar things.... I fear I'm not much better than others who have muddled through...

22 comments:

  1. I just came across your blog and just want you to know, that I hope everything resolves and you can begin to lean on him again.

    Feel free to email me if you like,

    Kathy

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    1. Thanks Kathy.. I feel the distance and it pains me..

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    2. Dana,

      There was a time when I thought ttwd would be stopping. It felt as tough part of me was ripped away. I do understand that indescribable pain.

      Kathy

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  2. Hey sweet Dana...I know that you adore the Man and he adores you. This is just a bit of a stumble...sorta like when you stub your toe very hard and it's sore and bruised. You walk easy for a bit and it heals. I think you both want this to heal so the two of you will find a way to make the healing happen. I do understand the instinct but really don't think withdrawing consent is your best choice...think it would actually place a wedge between the two of you and reinforce your trust issues. My suggestion is to just breathe, focus on all the Man's good points and the positives of your relationship. Now all of this along with $1 will get ya a cheap cup of coffee. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.

    BTW...ya better remember this...quit with the withdrawal...don't make me come down there!

    I'm here if there is anything I can do.

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. You are really awesome. I am trying to muddle through the feelings. I love him very much. I'm not sure what I am going to do right now.

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  3. Dana,
    I am so sorry to hear this. I know how this feels. I also have a tendency to shut down when things become too much. It really does become difficult to think.
    I wish I could offer some useful advice. Instead, I can offer my ability to cry with you and empathize.
    Alice

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    1. thanks Alice. That is needed as much or more than advice sometimes. I miss him. I know I have pulled away.. I hate it, and it's almost like I am waiting for him to come rescue me. Terrified that he won't.

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  4. Last summer and into late September, Ty and I had a very similar situation. I did end up pulling the submission card. I didn't want to but I had some real issues with somme things that happened. I don't think that he was really surprised either. Trust is hard to give, especially in this kind of relationship, and when the trust is broken, so was my heart. I would say that we are back to normal. Things are not exactly the same but I would almost say that they are better. The advice I was given most was to take my time and not rush into anything. I think that the advice I was given would definitely apply to you too, so please share it. Blog land offered a lot of advice and support. And I am always around if you need to vent. I totally get the fear of bad mouthing my husband or making him look bad because he wasn't, he had just messed up and I was hurt.
    hugs

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    1. Exactly Blondie. My thing is if we don't do this TTWD.... then what do we do. It is almost impossible to imagine our life without it. I know that may sound odd. We were married a while before we embarked on this. We were so unhappy. I don't want to go back to that. I want him to make this better.

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    2. Ditto here. We were married over twenty years and had just gone through over four years of marriage counseling before we found this relationship. I felt, may times, that I was the only one giving up anything. And when I pulled the submission card, I prayed that he would demand to let him try again and for him to man up and take charge. I cried a lot. As I said before, go to my blog post where I shared my similar situation and listen to all the comments. They seemed to be meant for both of us.
      This too will pass. You both know how much better your marriage has been and he will realize it soon enough. They can just be a little dense at times. When we started to fall back into our old ways, that's when Ty decided to get his act together. He liked the new us better than the old us. It didn't happen overnight but it did finally happen.
      I am only an email away and I do care.

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    3. I'm just so confused. I broke down and told him that I wasn't going to pull the submission card, and that I wanted him to fight for me, to come for me. I sent it to him in an email, and he hasn't bothered to respond. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings. I am trying so very hard to be a grown up about all of this...

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    4. Hey sweetie...it might not be a case of "hasn't bothered to respond" but rather trying to figure out how to respond or wanting to get the words exactly right so he doesn't inadvertently hurt you again or maybe he's still having internet issues. So please when you have several choices...try to pick the most positive one. Keep your chin up...you two will work this out...I have faith in both of you. Sending lots of prayers and positive energy to both of you. I am here.

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

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  5. Dana,
    I'm still so new to ttwd, but I pray things work out for you. In my opinion, I wouldn't back out of ttwd unless it was completely necessary. Does your husband not want it any more? Does he think it's too much for him? I can't imagine my life without it either.

    I'll be praying you find the right solution for the both of you.
    Megan

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    1. Thanks Megan. I don't know what the answer is, but I know what it's not. I told The Man today that I wasn't going to withdraw consent.

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  6. I am sorry to hear that you both have hit a tough spot. Sometimes we have to go through the ring of fire to come out on the other side and recognize where we were and where we want to be. It can be painful. It is a time for reflection for you and for him. When things are quiet, then you both can come back together and share your thoughts about the incident that occured and how to best move forward. Withdrawing and giving up consent will not solve anything for either of you. But time will help. Don't wait too long though to hold that difficult talk. Prayers for you both right now.

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    1. He is coming home this week. I am not sure what to expect. I just know that I love my husband.

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  7. Aw Dana, I'm so sorry you're going through this emotional time. Trust is a huge thing, and hopefully you two can have a nice long conversation and start to build it up again. It takes time, but you'll get there! I hope things start to look up soon.

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    1. thanks Kenzie. He is home and things are awkward, but we love one another and we will work it out.

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  8. Dana...I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I hope that when the Man returns your talks go well. I know I haven't been around blogland for a while...but ttwd is still very much a part of our relationship and from my experience it seems like situations that lead us to question and doubt often result in shifts or changes within the dynamic (once you get through the hard talks and tears) and you often come out on the other side of it with a new resolve..and hopefully a ttwd that's a better fit for you both.

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    1. Oh Tess, I'm so glad to see you. I have thought of you often. I'm sad to say, it's mostly me. I feel like I have hidden myself away and I've done such a good job of it, that I can't find my way back out.

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  9. You sound so lost...I know the feeling. It's scary and confusing. It hurts. But maybe you aren't the only one who is lost...he probably is too. I hope you can find your way back to each other.

    Trust is a big thing. When it is lost, it is work to earn back. But it can be done and it takes a lot from both sides to help make that happen. The first step is talking and sharing all your feelings - sadness, anger, what you are afraid of, and what you still hope for. Take small steps and set small goals together.

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  10. Thanks Jay. You are right. In a lot of ways, I feel lost. I don't want to go back and can't figure out how to go forward.

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