Monday, March 16, 2015

At a Crossroads...

Someone (Cat) suggested I try to process and put my thoughts out there, and see if I can get clarity.  When I am really struggling with something that is hurtful and has the possibility to hurt others, I tend to withdrawal.  Therefore, I have hunkered down.  I guess my absence has been noticed, as I had two of my blogland friends contact me on the same day.

Before I go into anything, please keep in mind, I love The Man very much.  I am very hesitant to say anything because his feelings matter so very much to me, and I don't want anyone to think poorly of him.

The Man has done something that has hurt the trust I have in him.  I want to protect him, I know that the why behind what happened, and my mind understands it.  The me that has been shaken to the core, not so much.  I struggle with my own feelings because I know it was not intentional.  It was not the norm, but I am hurt and feel betrayed none the less.  To the place that for the first time since we began TTWD, I have considered withdrawing consent.

Before you think the wrong thing... no he was not unfaithful, no he didn't make a huge financial decision without me, no he has not been abusive, and finally... no he did not spank me in anger.

But what he did do was pull the emotional rug out from underneath me.  He made a statement/threat that made the safety and security I depend on to no longer feel that way.

I am concerned that with his ADHD, and other things that the responsibilities of being an HOH is too much of a strain and pressure for him. It's not easy being in charge, being the final say.  I am not being sarcastic when I say that.  I fear he is forcing himself into a role he does not want for my sake.

I just know that at this point, I can't even fathom consenting to a spanking at this point.  Good girl or otherwise.  This is a trust issue for me all the way around.  Over the two years I have been reading and blogging, I have seen many women or couples struggle with similar things.... I fear I'm not much better than others who have muddled through...