Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Let's Talk

Have you ever had a time in your life where many circumstances pointed to one epiphany?  (Hah..  my big word use for the day).  Well, I have had them from time to time and I feel the need to get it all down and out where I can look at it and see what other folks think.

Let me start by saying this.  I am many things.  I am strong, I am tough, I am kind, I am stubborn, I am a submissive wife, a loving mother, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse and assault.  There I typed it.  They don't look different from any of the other words, but oh the impact of just those few words at the end.

I have worked hard, and worked through many things.  The Man and I have worked together and we enjoy a very healthy, loving, hot relationship that is the most precious thing to us both. 

It has struck me very boldly this week that society at large has absolutely NO idea the long lasted impact this kind of abuse inflicts upon the victim.  How invasive and pervasive.  Some are bold, some are obvious, some are quiet and some not so obvious.

Things like the terror of going to the dentist because you are leaned back in a chair with a man standing over you with his crotch at eye level and he is prying your mouth open.  The struggle to stay in the present, to remember you aren't the little girl, to remember he is trying to help you.  The embarrassment of having to explain BEFORE you get there, what has happen (even in the vaguest of terms it's humiliating) in hopes of avoiding a full blown panic attack.  Or feeling bad for the tech and the dentist as tears silent slide from your eyes into your hair despite their every attempt at being kind.

Most all of that goes double for the gynecologist, female or not.  The being naked, vulnerable, miserable.  The nurse holding your hand while you cry, and your need to apologize over and over and explain it's not them.

Things like not being able to ride in an elevator for fear you are going to end up in one alone with a man, and it's just not worth the terror.

The sorrow of hitting the man you love as he wakes  you up from a nightmare and you fight like a she cat until his soft and gentle voice brings you back to reality.

The need to shut down, distance from the one who loves you must when you have to deal with things like the dentist because it's the only way to make it through it.

That certain smells make you sick and your stomach clinch no matter how hard you try.

I am fortunate.  Many of these rarely every happen to me anymore.  This lifestyle has done more for both of us.  It's not for everyone.  It makes me feel safe, cherished and loved.  The structure brings order and peace to my life.  Do we have to do things differently because of my PTSD.  Damn skippy.  Does it work for us?  Yes.

Society at large needs to understand that this is a life long struggle that is thrust upon those of us who made it through.  I am healthy, I am happy, and I am vigilant, and sometimes like today, I cry at the dentist.

14 comments:

  1. Awww sweet Dana...I am so sorry you had a rough time at the dentist today. Been there...done that...if you need to talk, I'm here! Oh and yes...you are a healthy, happy awesome woman, wife, mother, daughter and friend!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    PS...you and the Man owe me an answer as to design and color. ;)

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  2. I feel very small today and weary.

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  3. Oh Dana,
    I just want to give you a hug. This was a beautiful and brave thing to write. I'm sorry that such everyday things can become such scary things for you because of what you've been through. But I'm so glad for you that you've been able to work through a lot of it - and that this lifestyle has helped you in your relationship with The Man. Having a sweet marriage is an amazing reward and you deserve it.
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks Cali. I don't feel brave. I feel worn out. It takes such a toll on me when these things happen.. I guess it's because I'm not dealing with it everyday anymore

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  4. Yes, it is a life long struggle thrust upon us those who happened to make it. No cure, no completely-over-it...just the move forward to enjoy life and sometime struggle through the muck it causes. Sending love and positive energy...

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    1. High five to my sista!! It is hard, it is tough, but to not fight the good fight means he wins..

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  5. Oh Dana, what a wonderfully brave lady you are! You beat your fear and made it through. You go girl!! I hate that you were made a victim and that certain things in your life will stay a struggle. :0( But every time you beat that fear you win...

    Hugs and prayers,
    Irish Lucky

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    1. Thanks Irish. You are right. I remind myself, that tomorrow is a new day, a better day. Cause it's not, if I don't make the effort, then he wins.

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  6. Oh wow Dana. I've always liked admired you, but I you just took your ratings to a new high! You. Are. Am.Ma.Zing!!!! You are a survivor. You fought your way through the darkness to a beauty that is bright and awesome. And now, when the darkness threatens, you pull out your flashlight and power through.
    I am so very glad you have such a great guy in your life to help you and hand you the flashlight with new batteries in it!
    Like Irishy said, you won today. And everyday you don't let that take over your life, you win.
    If I were there now, I would give you a giant hug. Then I'd give you a tissue and let you cry it out if you wanted. Then we'd get ice cream!
    I hope tomorrow is better for you.
    Ps, I like how you said "this" isn't for everyone, but it is for you and The Man. It works and it's good. :)
    Hug

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    1. Thanks Sarah. I am just me. Yesterday and today, Me didn't feel like a very good fit. It hurts my heart when I have to struggle. It makes me angry because I am dealing with the fall out that someone else did to me. And.... I like hugs and love ice cream!!

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  7. I know this well. I do not remember most of what happened to me so it is difficult to prepare at times. Often the "moments" are shoved upon me unexpectedly. I usually have to go through it several times, the actions and the accompanying emotions before I am able to identify what exactly is going on. Once I have made that connection though it gets easier. I get stronger in that moment. I overcome and move on. We are strong. We fight for our lives. We deserve the freedom that comes along with our efforts.
    You are amazing. A reminder of what I can be when I need to. A women all women should be proud of.
    When one of us cries, we all cry together.
    Alice

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    1. Oh Alice. I am speechless. I know just what you mean. Early in my journey I had to do things over and over to piece together my reactions. We are strong. We are tough. We are strong and tough enough to want a better way, to not give up. Thank you so much. Your sharing humbles me.

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  8. Thinking of you Dana, you explained some of my own feelings & reactions so perfectly. I think people think we should be able to just move on & forget but that is a lot easier said than done...I just read a book where a man explains in detail a sexual assault that he had been through (although the author is a woman) & it was so accurate & haunting, he said it was like having the tiny naked part of you ripped out of it's home & it's home distroyed leaving it vulnerable & exposed with no where left to hide. Then when he was starting to heal he said that he had built a leanto for his tiny naked thing & that also felt very accurate to me-we went from having a home around that part of us to having nothing & then with lots of work & struggle we build a makeshift shelter but it's something we will always have to work to keep in place we can't ever go all the way back to being inside a sturdy house again because we cannot every forget, we can just work on sheltering ourselves & I feel so thankful that I have Clark & you have The Man to help us maintain that shelter ; )
    Love,
    Scarlet

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    1. Jamie Frasier. Yes. When I read that, it resounded in my soul, down deep. The very foundation is shaken, cracked, and exposed and we spend our lives fixing it. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share. Its hard isn't it? Even though the shame is not ours, we struggle to lay it down and not carry it don't we? Much love to you!!

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