Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Let's Talk

Have you ever had a time in your life where many circumstances pointed to one epiphany?  (Hah..  my big word use for the day).  Well, I have had them from time to time and I feel the need to get it all down and out where I can look at it and see what other folks think.

Let me start by saying this.  I am many things.  I am strong, I am tough, I am kind, I am stubborn, I am a submissive wife, a loving mother, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse and assault.  There I typed it.  They don't look different from any of the other words, but oh the impact of just those few words at the end.

I have worked hard, and worked through many things.  The Man and I have worked together and we enjoy a very healthy, loving, hot relationship that is the most precious thing to us both. 

It has struck me very boldly this week that society at large has absolutely NO idea the long lasted impact this kind of abuse inflicts upon the victim.  How invasive and pervasive.  Some are bold, some are obvious, some are quiet and some not so obvious.

Things like the terror of going to the dentist because you are leaned back in a chair with a man standing over you with his crotch at eye level and he is prying your mouth open.  The struggle to stay in the present, to remember you aren't the little girl, to remember he is trying to help you.  The embarrassment of having to explain BEFORE you get there, what has happen (even in the vaguest of terms it's humiliating) in hopes of avoiding a full blown panic attack.  Or feeling bad for the tech and the dentist as tears silent slide from your eyes into your hair despite their every attempt at being kind.

Most all of that goes double for the gynecologist, female or not.  The being naked, vulnerable, miserable.  The nurse holding your hand while you cry, and your need to apologize over and over and explain it's not them.

Things like not being able to ride in an elevator for fear you are going to end up in one alone with a man, and it's just not worth the terror.

The sorrow of hitting the man you love as he wakes  you up from a nightmare and you fight like a she cat until his soft and gentle voice brings you back to reality.

The need to shut down, distance from the one who loves you must when you have to deal with things like the dentist because it's the only way to make it through it.

That certain smells make you sick and your stomach clinch no matter how hard you try.

I am fortunate.  Many of these rarely every happen to me anymore.  This lifestyle has done more for both of us.  It's not for everyone.  It makes me feel safe, cherished and loved.  The structure brings order and peace to my life.  Do we have to do things differently because of my PTSD.  Damn skippy.  Does it work for us?  Yes.

Society at large needs to understand that this is a life long struggle that is thrust upon those of us who made it through.  I am healthy, I am happy, and I am vigilant, and sometimes like today, I cry at the dentist.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Just Rambling...

I know its been a while since I posted.  The Man came home, and that was wonderful.  We are doing fine and for that I am very grateful.  I will warn you ahead of time, this post may hop around.  We are in the middle of a family BrewHaHa and it has been frankly a mess and I am trying to wrap my mind around how I feel, how I should feel, what to do and how to act, verses what I want to do and how I want to act.

One of our children is in the process of making decisions that at the least is going to negatively impact on his life at best and at worst have lasting consequences for the rest of it.  As parents, you never want your children to suffer.  We have tried our best to raise our children to be responsible, level headed individuals who keep their word and think before they act.  It is terrible to feel like I am standing on the sidewalk watching one of my kids walk in front of a bus, helpless to stop the wreck.

To complicate things, he has completely alienated us, told us that he knows what he is doing, and that we are not welcome.  He has divided the family sowing discord and expecting the siblings to take sides.  He has encouraged our youngest son to keep secrets from us.  He has been very disrespectful and hurtful to both myself and The Man.  In our eyes and the eyes of most other people, he has made a decision that has brought shame on his honor as a man.  That is so very hard for The Man.  Me as well, but especially my Sweetheart.

He has made these decisions alone and is going to have to accept the consequences of them alone.  I don't know where to temper with mercy.  I love my son as does The Man.  However, our son has chosen to walk a very difficult path and has departed from the training as parents we provided.  It has come out that he has been dishonest with us, his family, his friends, and not only one this.  I have humbly asked The Man to set the boundaries of our interaction with our son at this point and I will abide by them.  This is hard.  I don't want to see our son suffer, but I am not inclined to lift a finger to help him at this point.

His level of disrespect and disregard for us and our family is devastating.  I am so very hurt and I can be honest and say I don't do well with that.  I am a give everything I have to my children.  I have wrapped my life around them and this level of betrayal and hurt is just a really hard thing for me.  We love him.  We are embarrassed by his actions, as he is a reflection of our parenting. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I have not withdrawn my love, but I have withdrawn my presence and communication with him.  He has made it very clear that we and me especially are not acceptable at this time and he wants not interference from us.  He has no idea how being totally cut off from me that would mean.

I dread him coming home.  I fear his attitude.  I fear that his Dad will put him out for disrespect, yet I agree that he can not terrorize our home.  I dread that he will come  home when The Man is gone and I am going to have deal with this sullen man/child who is being disrespectful and wreaking havoc on our family.

The Man left to go back today.  Don't mind telling ya, it sucks to be the mom right now...