I'm not sure why but I have been reflecting on certain aspects of well.. Me. When I was a child, I was happiest when I was making someone else happy. I spent my childhood trying desperately for my parents to love me like my older brother. I carried a deep secret that none of them knew. I felt so damaged inside. I spent my life trying to be so good that should they ever find out that I was tainted that they could maybe love me anyway. Pair that with a mother with mental illness and a father who didn't know how to handle it and well, let's just say I never quite made the grade.
This need to please, this need to serve. It's been so very confusing. I am very well aware that not everyone is born with this need, nor understands it. I have a very strong personality, I've had to have it to survive, but deep down has always been a small voice that begged to be safe and loved and to do that, I had a need to bring comfort to others. Now, you can imagine that it was easy for others to take advantage of this.
Which is how I ended up with a very abusive first husband. I loved him with everything in me, desperate to be enough, to love enough that I could be worthy. Never let it be said that I am a quitter, it took 10 years for me to come to the understanding that he was going to destroy every part of me, and leave nothing left to raise my babies, so I took my battered, shattered heart and went home to my Daddy, the only place I ever truly felt safe.
It was years before The Man and I made our way to one another. I had therapy and worked hard to put my life back together. I would love to be able to tell you that it was all happy happy joy joy but I try never to lie. I had been made to feel so shameful for this need to be submit, to have an HoH, that I just couldn't tell The Man. I knew what I needed, but just couldn't make the words come and our life was really rocky. (Yeah, that's an understatement.)
Then, in desperation, I stuttered and stammered and so ashamed, I told The Man what I needed. We have evolved a good bit since then. It has been rocky in places, but this need to submit, this need to please. The Man, he cherishes me for it. Being the authority has made him a better man, husband, and daddy. The more confident he has become in his role, the safer I have become. There is a peace inside that I have longed for and never felt. I know that I am loved. I know that I matter, and I know that my husband, my lover, my master loves me and cherishes me and values the give of my submission. I no longer feel damaged or twisted or broken. I feel valued, and desired and mended. Just doesn't get much better than that.