Monday, August 11, 2014

Understanding comes...

I'm not sure why but I have been reflecting on certain aspects of well.. Me.  When I was a child, I was happiest when I was making someone else happy.  I spent my childhood trying desperately for my parents to love me like my older brother.  I carried a deep secret that none of them knew.  I felt so damaged inside.  I spent my life trying to be so good that should they ever find out that I was tainted that they could maybe love me anyway.  Pair that with a mother with mental illness and a father who didn't know how to handle it and well, let's just say I never quite made the grade.

This need to please, this need to serve.  It's been so very confusing.  I am very well aware that not everyone is born with this need, nor understands it.  I have a very strong personality, I've had to have it to survive, but deep down has always been a small voice that begged to be safe and loved and to do that, I had a need to bring comfort to others.  Now, you can imagine that it was easy for others to take advantage of this.

Which is how I ended up with a very abusive first husband.  I loved him with everything in me, desperate to be enough, to love enough that I could be worthy.  Never let it be said that I am a quitter, it took 10 years for me to come to the understanding that he was going to destroy every part of me, and leave nothing left to raise my babies, so I took my battered, shattered heart and went home to my Daddy, the only place I ever truly felt safe.

It was years before The Man and I made our way to one another.  I had therapy and worked hard to put my life back together.  I would love to be able to tell you that it was all happy happy joy joy but I try never to lie.  I had been made to feel so shameful for this need to be submit, to have an HoH, that I just couldn't tell The Man.  I knew what I needed, but just couldn't make the words come and our life was really rocky.  (Yeah, that's an understatement.)

Then, in desperation, I stuttered and stammered and so ashamed, I told The Man what I needed.  We have evolved a good bit since then.  It has been rocky in places, but this need to submit, this need to please.  The Man, he cherishes me for it.  Being the authority has made him a better man, husband, and daddy.  The more confident he has become in his role, the safer I have become.  There is a peace inside that I have longed for and never felt.  I know that I am loved.  I know that I matter, and I know that my husband, my lover, my master loves me and cherishes me and values the give of my submission.  I no longer feel damaged or twisted or broken.  I feel valued, and desired and mended.  Just doesn't get much better than that.

14 comments:

  1. Hey girlfriend...I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face and tears in my eyes. It makes me so happy to hear you say you feel valued, desired and mended! You are such a gift to everyone! Anyone that doesn't recognize that...pffft...they can just go suck an egg! So very thankful to the Man that he has helped you get to this understanding.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. It has been quite the roller coaster. As I peeled back the layers to be vulnerable to him was excruciating, but the joy was well worth it.

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  2. It's been a long road little girl, but I'm so thankful we've traveled it. Our relationship and life gets better as we progress.

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    1. My heart. When you look at me, I am beautiful..

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  3. This shows your strength and perseverance, Dana. You didn't give up on yourself and you found your way to the person that you deserve...and who deserves you in return:)

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    1. Oh Tess.. I don't feel strong.. but I am so grateful.

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  4. Wow Dana - this is simply lovely. I can identify with you in so many ways - and I am just plain happy for you that you found The Man who could give you that healthy safe harbor.
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. There is an ease, a softening in my soul when he holds me.

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  5. Hi Dana,

    Sounds like you had a very tough start, but looks like you found your happy place now. So very happy The Man is giving you everything you need and have held out for... And also, wow you are a VERY strong lady. :0)

    Hugs,
    Irish Lucky

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    1. Thank you Irish. Yes, he is my happy place.

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  6. I am sorry it was a hard road to get to where you are, my road was rocky also & sometimes I feel like maybe it had to be in order for me to get to where I am now & truly appreciate all that I am and all that Clark has become. Not that I am saying it was ok what you or I or anyone who has been abused in some way was treated that way. I just feel that most of the time I am more accepting of who I am now than I ever was or ever felt I could be before I went through it all. I am so so glad you were able to stutter and stammer out what you needed to The Man & that he was exactly the right man to help you. Nothing is perfect, but you both try so hard & your love for one another is very obvious & beautiful to read about.
    Thanks for sharing Dana.
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Scarlet,
      You are right. I don't know that I could have loved this deeply if I hadn't been wounded so deeply. It is the most amazing thing to rest in him.

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  7. Once again I find myself identifying with one of you lovely ladies in blog land. My twin and I marveled that we survived our sometimes neglected childhood but we knew it was because we had each other to take care of and be taken care of. Her first husband was abusive but now she's happily married. My husband of 32 years was mentally abusive and physically at the end of the marriage but not during. My incredible need to serve and be loved and cherished makes me very needy indeed but I have learned that when that hateful phrase. " you're so needy" enters a discussion, I own it am proud of it and don't let it be used against me anymore I am a crazy needy person and I tell Don when he says it, he'll you chose me. Don't like it? Hmm too bad. It's interesting when you acknowledge it about yourself, it loses power to wound. And I remind him how he benefits everyday from my need to serve. He knows that very well. Jackie.

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    1. Good on you. Many of us have many similarities.

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