It has certainly been a whirlwind. I am sitting here wondering just where to start. It's just a big ole' jumble. My son has graduated high school and we are taking our sons tubing tomorrow as The Man leaves on Saturday for 6-7 weeks this time at a minimum. In the midst of this, our son leaves for basic training for the Army.
So I do believe that I need some kind of cosmic big girl panties and I'm not sure they have been made. I am so very proud of my son. I love him, and it has been my joy to raise him and watch him grow into the amazing human being that he is. I will miss him everyday. He is calm, he is gentle and he is kind. He is funny, respectful, longing to help others and has a deep abiding faith that humbles me. He is a joy to both his father and I and loved dearly by his siblings.
In the midst of this whirlwind, The Man made a mistake. It was an honest one, but it was one that shook the foundation of my safety. (No, he didn't cheat) But it was terrible. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried. He took care of it. He was very sorry, and he took care of it, and things are fine now, but I WAS JUST REELING. At one point, he offered to spank me and I refused. Then I thought better and told him that if he felt that I needed to be spanked, I would submit. In his humility, he stated, I don't know what to do, and it's because of me that we are here, and I will not spank you unless you need me to and are asking. He quietly went about fixing things and presented me with the solution. I am very proud of him, and his strength of character. It takes a man of character to admit when he is wrong and fix it.
I have some things going on in our family that is very painful and we are working through it, but there is nothing worse than one of your children being in pain and being able to do nothing but support and watch them work through it.
Now, on a final note. As I was mentioned in Christina's confession and apology, I want to say this. Yes, I was shocked, and yes hurt and yes angry and yes confused. I have told Christina this in a personal conversation so I feel okay putting it out there. I am sorry that everyone is so hurt. Chelsea and Rogue especially. It was wrong and I told C that as well. I am hopeful that the dust will settle and the wounds won't be so raw. Betrayal is a really bitter pill to swallow and I think that is the underlying layer of the anger and outrage, and that is okay. I am hopeful that in time (and Lord knows I don't have a timeframe in mind) that the pain will ease for those so hurt.
I am trying to reconcile the woman who sent me a package full of goodies when my Aunt was dying and I so desperately needed a boost, the woman who called me when my daughter was spiraling into the depths of depression and just listened and encouraged me, or the one who sent me funny texts with the woman who created and allowed a deception to twist and tangle out of control. Who is she? I think she is both. Not all good, not all bad, but definitely made some very huge mistakes that not only made a mess in her life but many others.
Our way of life we have chosen and come here to talk about involve consequences and the consequences for C may very well be the loss of very special friends. Forgiveness does not mean restoration. That is for each individual person to decide. I am just so very sad for everyone that is hurting.