Monday, July 28, 2014

Such a Gift

Blonde hair, big blue eyes, and all arms and legs.  Timid, shy, nervous and afraid, that is how you came to me.  Little boy battered by the world not your making.  Quiet, studious and rarely smiling.

Then, you grew.  I loved you and nurtured you.  Laughed with you, cried with you, showed you in every way that I can that you dad is an amazing man and worthy to be the leader of this house.

I have watched you come into your own.  Your heart is pure your mind is quick and your soul belongs to Jesus.  It put a permanent lump in my throat that as we bowed our head to pray, you thanked God for your "mom".  I am not your mother by birth, but I am your mother by heart.  Your place is secure there.  I will never forget the joy the first time you said, "I love you, Mom." 

Your sense of humor rivals my own, and I see so much of your father in you.  Your wit, your mechanical ability, your heart of compassion and generosity.  I have taught you to respect your elders and you do.  Your daddy taught to respect your mom and women and you do.  Your daddy taught you to be responsible and lead in a relationship and you do.

Tomorrow, I will take you to the recruiter and my heart while full of pride till it's bursting, is breaking because I have to give you up to soon.  You are ready, and I am not.  You are confident, and I am not.  I am your mom.  I want to protect you, but it's time to let you fly. 

Be safe, son of my heart, be strong, be bold, be wise, and be who God intends you to be.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Day and Night...

In the day time, they call me Dragon Slayer.  I am fierce, I am loyal, I work long and hard for those who need someone to stand for them.

But when night comes, I am weary, I am afraid of things that go bump in the night.  I long for a time when someone would look under my bed and keep the monsters at bay.  The Monsters, that wait, quietly, lurking in the quietness of my mind.  Waiting for sleep to overtake me.

In the day time, I am strong, I am resolved, I am smart and I am cunning.  I juggle many roles and few understand the toll it takes.

But when night comes, I long for the one who holds me and takes from me the need to be.. be strong, be capable, be in control.  That I can rest knowing that he's got me, and nothing will harm while he is watching over me in my sleep. 

In the day time, I network, I am loyal, I encourage, I want to do my best.  Even when I know I am often faced with the fact that my best is not enough.  This doesn't mean I have failed, it simply means there is nothing more I can do.  I pick myself up and keep trying.

But when night comes, my heart hurts, I am faced with the fact my best could not be enough.  I long for the one who eases the ache, who whispers love, who lets me be the woman that needs to be held and loved.

In the day time, I am woman hear me ROAR!!!

But... when night time comes, the little girl in me that lays hidden, who longs to be held, and loved, and cherished, and taken care of misses the one who made it safe for her to show herself.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

How to know when the Master is in the house..

Right before The Man left this time... He was packing.. and I was watching him.. and I started to giggle...He raised that eyebrow as if to say What?
Well, I know in this lifestyle.  We as the submissive partner, know when the HoH has come into the room, and we have all discussed, The Look...  or a certain phrase, that lets us know either to cease and desist, or that it's tooooo late.
However, when in an intimate situation...  for us..  How do you know when the Master has come onto the scene.  I know immediately folks think of leather, and whips and chains, and toys and stuff..  Let me take a side road here..  Toys are our friends.. Just sayin...  Anywho...
My hubby, love of my life, Master of my heart, The Man..  loves cookies.  All kind of cookies.  Chocolate Chip are his fav. and I love to make them for him.  With that in mind...  Last year I bought him...  Wait for it.. Wait for it...
Yup.. that is right.  Cookie Monster PJ's.
Now imagine if you will...  It's play time, the scene is set, wine has been imbibed..  The kids are gone, and the Master enters into the room... Wearing Cookie Monster.  I know... Giggle.. it's okay.  More times than not, when we are playing, he is wearing his fav. pj's.  Soooo...  that is why I was laughing.  The conversation went something like this...
Me:  Giggle..
The Man:  What are you laughing about Little Girl...
Me:  Well, I wonder how all my other friends in blogland know when the Master has entered the scene..
The Man:  Huh?
Me:  Well, mine happens to wear Cookie Monster jammies.. and THAT is how I know...
The Man:  Yeah, you need to post something on your blog about that...
So, I did, and now..  how do the rest of you know?


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Come Wander down the Path with Me

I have read many posts where the writer was trying to process something and have to admit that I have learned many things and gained great incite into my own feelings and struggles through others.  I have appreciated those times and appreciated the openness and honesty with which it was done.

That being said, I don't promise great incite, and am probably looking for more answers that giving them. 

It took me a long time to "come out" so to speak, and it happened in levels.  As I have said before, I am the one that brought this lifestyle to our relationship, and The Man has grown by leaps and bounds as have I. 

For us, it started out as more of an erotic thing, and then I was slowly able to tell him that I needed the structure and safety of him being in charge, holding me accountable, etc. 

My hardest struggle was not having anyone to talk to about my inner struggles.  I am a strong woman and it felt, well strange, unhealthy (plug in whatever word fits for you) and as a woman who had been abused as a child and in her first marriage, I was frankly terrified that even after all the professional help I had received that I was permanently broken.  (It's nice to know I'm not btw)

Then, The Man being who he is, found blogland, Bonnie's My Bottom Smarts in particular, and I was so relieved, and then I found several others, and got to know some of the members here.  There was an environment of acceptance here.  It didn't matter if you were DD or BDSM, or TTWD or whatever alphabet or mixture.  It was so cool and refreshing, and I so needed it.  We are as June used to say, a little bit of everything, and that was okay...

Only, I have begun to notice in my reading a bit of a turning these days.  I can understand that you may not understand my enjoyment of spanking, my need for it, that it is in many facets of our life.  I get that.  I get that it may do nothing for you.  I get that it is only used in your relationship for corrective action so to speak, and if it works for you.  That is awesome.  I don't understand this very subtle, slight..  this vague feeling of disapproval.  This feeling that because there is enjoyment that "we" are not I don't want to say worthy, but not in the same "class" for lack of a better term.

In whatever facet, we all practice this lifestyle, the one thing we should have in common is acceptance.  I don't have to agree with everything in your lifestyle to accept.  As long as it's consensual, it's not damaging, then it is between you and your mate, or it should be.  I had my first experience of reading something here on blogland and feeling judged and it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

For Your Reading Pleasure!!!

I am a firm believer is laughter is the best medicine... That being said...  for your reading/viewing pleasure....
For those who know me and love me, KNOW that I hate mornings.  So, this affirms that my attitude that NOTHING good happens before 10am is true.
Again...  there you have it.
At my job, this is a fervent prayer..
Life of the party even...
I so want to say this at work sometimes....
So.. hopefully I have made you smile. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Just Checkin In

It has certainly been a whirlwind.  I am sitting here wondering just where to start.  It's just a big ole' jumble.  My son has graduated high school and we are taking our sons tubing tomorrow as The Man leaves on Saturday for 6-7 weeks this time at a minimum.  In the midst of this, our son leaves for basic training for the Army. 

So I do believe that I need some kind of cosmic big girl panties and I'm not sure they have been made.  I am so very proud of my son.  I love him, and it has been my joy to raise him and watch him grow into the amazing human being that he is.  I will miss him everyday.  He is calm, he is gentle and he is kind.  He is funny, respectful, longing to help others and has a deep abiding faith that humbles me.  He is a joy to both his father and I and loved dearly by his siblings.

In the midst of this whirlwind, The Man made a mistake.  It was an honest one, but it was one that shook the foundation of my safety.  (No, he didn't cheat)  But it was terrible.  I couldn't eat or sleep.  I cried.  He took care of it.  He was very sorry, and he took care of it, and things are fine now, but I WAS JUST REELING.  At one point, he offered to spank me and I refused.  Then I thought better and told him that if he felt that I needed to be spanked, I would submit.  In his humility, he stated, I don't know what to do, and it's because of me that we are here, and I will not spank you unless you need me to and are asking.  He quietly went about fixing things and presented me with the solution.  I am very proud of him, and his strength of character.  It takes a man of character to admit when he is wrong and fix it.

I have some things going on in our family that is very painful and we are working through it, but there is nothing worse than one of your children being in pain and being able to do nothing but support and watch them work through it.

Now, on a final note.  As I was mentioned in Christina's confession and apology, I want to say this.  Yes, I was shocked, and yes hurt and yes angry and yes confused.  I have told Christina this in a personal conversation so I feel okay putting it out there.  I am sorry that everyone is so hurt.  Chelsea and Rogue especially.  It was wrong and I told C that as well.  I am hopeful that the dust will settle and the wounds won't be so raw.  Betrayal is a really bitter pill to swallow and I think that is the underlying layer of the anger and outrage, and that is okay.  I am hopeful that in time (and Lord knows I don't have a timeframe in mind) that the pain will ease for those so hurt.

I am trying to reconcile the woman who sent me a package full of goodies when my Aunt was dying and I so desperately needed a boost, the woman who called me when my daughter was spiraling into the depths of depression and just listened and encouraged me, or the one who sent me funny texts with the woman who created and allowed a deception to twist and tangle out of control.  Who is she?  I think she is both.  Not all good, not all bad, but definitely made some very huge mistakes that not only made a mess in her life but many others. 

Our way of life we have chosen and come here to talk about involve consequences and the consequences for C may very well be the loss of very special friends.  Forgiveness does not mean restoration.  That is for each individual person to decide.  I am just so very sad for everyone that is hurting.