Sunday, June 29, 2014

I just needed to share....

I am sharing this, because one of my friends on Facebook shared it.  It gave me such peace.  Does my family situation still hurt me?  Yes.  However, it is such a relief to consider that their behavior has nothing to do with me.
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to . . . . . . . .
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . . . . . . . . .
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth . . . . . . . .
If someone has angered you . . . . . . . .
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . . . . . . . .
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction . . . . . . . .
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents . . . . . . . . .
If you have a bad attitude . . . . . . . .
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better . . . . . . . .
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him . . . . . . . .
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship . . . . . . . .
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves . . . . . . . .
If you're feeling depressed and stressed . . . . . . . .
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to . . . . . . . .
Let the past be the past Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2014!!!
Get Right or Get Left. think about it, and then . . . . . . . .
"The Battle is the Lord's!"

S, T, U, V

Yeah...  I just couldn't help myself and well, it's what's on my mind.  I loved being spanked. 
It is difficult sometimes for The Man.  Sometimes I need a harder spanking than he likes to
give in order to get me where I need to go to release the STRESS that often plagues me.
Yet, he loves me, and is committed to giving me what I need.  Not always what I want.
Sometimes what I want is to wallow, to hide, or I am so overwhelmed, I don't want to give over the control I am hanging onto in order to hold my emotions at bay.  This leaves me a boiling cauldron of icky emotions that threaten to boil over at the most inconvenient times.
Therefore, The Man, he sees me for who and what I am, and loves me enough to take me to the place where I can let go.  Is it pretty?  Not all the time.  Am I cooperative?  Not all the time.  Except when they are good girl spankings and for SEX.  Yeah...  then I am a most cooperative submissive little individual.. 
The act of sitting on an inflated old tractor or semi tire tube, not falling off, and floating lazily down the river, until you hit rapids and then hanging on for dear life and screaming your head off.  GOD.. I love it.  It's time for a trip down the river.  I am hoping we have a way to get a trip in before The Man leaves again..
I must admit.  I have wracked my brain, I have thought of thing from every angle, and I still don't understand what is in me that makes my family not able to love me and appreciate me.  Oh they appreciate what I can do for them, my willingness to serve them, my willingness and desire to make life better for them.  But me?  Just fore the sake of being me?  They just don't.  My brother explained to me that he was too busy to fit into anyone else's plans and that he was spread so thin, he simply couldn't be expected to.  My parents saw nothing wrong in canceling plans with me, actually expecting me to rearrange the plans that we had made together on father's day because my brother decided at the last minute that he would breeze through and see my dad. My brother couldn't be expected to come and be a part of our day, you know him being busy and all, so the expectation was that I would UNDERSTAND and change my plans.  This is not the first time, nor will it be the last.  I know that many will be quick to say that it's not me, it's them.  However, in the face of my entire nuclear family being involved in the fiasco, I have a very difficult time believing that.
Actually, it was a Staycation.  I took two days off while our sons were on choir tour.  I had The Man all to myself.  It has been simply amazing.  The sex has been incredible and the snuggling?  Oh man the snuggles have been simply amazing.  We have laughed and giggled, and played.  I came home from work one evening and promptly shot my entire family with a nerf gun.  It was amazing.  We have spent this entire week trying out new gluten free recipes.  We have slept as late as we want to, and stayed up as late.  We have visited friends, and we have done submissive exercises and I have been able to relax. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


                                                            P is for patience.

 Let me explain patience.... I have been gone, out of commission...  One might wonder if I have been grounded.  Me?  Moi?  No...  I have been in inter net server hell.  Purgatory really... the waiting place.  We have been out of service for over a week...  Since, well, the 17th, the last time I posted.  For someone who was raised and lived a relatively normal lifestyle without  "the net".  This has been just the pits..

I have missed you guys..
Q is for Quiet
It has been quiet at my house.  The in laws are gone, and so are my youngest boys.  It's just me and The Man at home.  Yeah... Quiet, peaceful.  Q is also for "Quick, get naked!!!  There are no children in the house, we don't have to go to the bedroom."  Yeah, it's been fun.  LOTS of good girl spankings, cause well.. THERE'S NO KIDS.
I have so been a good girl..
R is for Resisting
I know it's silly, but sometimes, when I am really stressed, I resist a stress relief spanking.  When I know deep down in my soul that it is what will be just the thing, I just can't ask for it.  I often can't admit it's what I need to keep from getting a punishment spanking that NOBODY at my house likes.  A couple of nights ago, The Man said, "Would a spanking help?"  Ya know even HOH's have a hard time gauging.  It was an emotionally fraught situation, and he didn't want to misstep.  I said quietly, "I just want you to do whatever you think, cause I can't know."  He quietly said, "I've got ya, babe, and I'm going take care of you."  And he did.
And.. I think that's enough for now.  I have missed you guys, a lot.  I will try to post more tomorrow, since I think we may actually have service again.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

N and O....

N stands for... NO.  I hate that word.  I hate to be told NO.  The Man doesn't tell me No very often, but when he does, it ruffles my feathers.  Most of the time (all of the time) he  is telling me NO for my own good.  And even if I know that... that obstinate little girl in me.. rises up outta nowhere.. and says.. something stupid like>>>
Which normally leads to a totally different kind of No....
Yes imagine me screaming no....
O stands for...  Orgasm.  I just had to do this one.   I was thinking today of how many of the big "O" I faked with my first husband.  I swore that I would NEVER, EVER fake another.  I have learned something about the big "O".  It is another level of intimacy.  In that moment, you are completely out of control and you have to trust your partner to watch over you, share the moment with you.
The Man is very very good to me in this regard.  And I have never, ever had to fake it to make it so speak.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

K, L, and... M

K is for Kinky... Yeah...  Took me a very long time to come out of the closet so to speak.. Well, just on here, (chile' please, did you think I meant in public?)  Yes, I am very, happy, excited and thrilled that we love a spicey sex life.  Oh, we love the tender, the sweet, the lovin..   but, Hello...  there is nothing wrong with hot monkey sex...  mmm Yes, yes..  love it, and love The Man for enjoying the journey with me.  Yet, let me say, no matter how hot, how sexy  or kinky, I always feel loved and cherished...

L is for... Loyalty.  Loyalty.. Yes, that need to be in someone's corner, never letting them feel betrayed.  Always having their best interest at heart.  Putting other's feeling above your own.  A commitment to be the best for the other person.  Never allowing hurts to be unresolved.  Wanting to encourage that person, love them, let them know that if all others fall away, you will be there.  That is what The Man does for me.

M is for Make believe.  Make believe is when you dream of something, that you want something so desperately, that you make it yourself believe something that isn't true.  You can create a world that doesn't exist, a relationship that isn't true.  I have done this with my family.  I so desperately wanted to believe I mattered, that I was loved for me.  Today, left me with not doubt as to what is true.  My brother told me flat out that he didn't have time for a relationship with me, nor was he interested in making that time.  My mother once again engineered a situation where I was made to bend, and change family plans to accommodate her and my brother.  She lied to me and both made me understand that in their eyes I had no rights to me feelings.  It is very hard to realize that you have been playing make believe for most of your life.  Yes, it hurts, but at least I know it's nothing I've done.  It's just that I will never measure up in their eyes.  I will never be loved the same as my brother.  I will never measure up.  I will never be good enough, be enough, or do enough to rise to the level of the golden child. 

On a completely unrelated note, my inlaws have been perfectly delightful.  Yes there has been so very stressful, awkward moments, but they have been very kind to me.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

H, I, and J

Whew.. I am so sorry.. I hate when people commit to something and then don't follow through... Bummer already..  So.. It has been pretty hectic around here.  Between The Man coming home and his parents coming in and the party for my son...  So, I am catching up today and promise to do better.

So, Here goes:  H is for...  Home.  I am a homebody.  Home is my favorite place to be.  It is my sanctuary, my solace.  It is the place where peace is found.  My daughter in law said that I am more than Mom to my son, I am home.  I am every victory, failure, boo boo, heart ache and triumph all wrapped up in the scent of cookies, and home cooked meals.  To me, it is my job and honor to create a home.  It's more than a house.  It is an atmosphere, and environment that says, "you are loved here.  Here you are accepted." 

I is for.... Intimacy.  I believe TTWD has increased and deepened our level of intimacy with one another.  It's pretty hard not to feel close to someone that loves you enough to give you what you need.  To know that The Man loves me enough to hold me accountable, to make decisions based on what is best for us and me.  To know that he is willing to spank me harder than he wants because it's what I need.  That he holds me, and loves me.  That our communication is better than it ever has been.  Yea, we are more intimate with our hearts and feelings than we ever have been. 

And... J, J is for Jack Daniels..

.which is what I am going to indulge in when this whole zoo of relatives, and party and graduation is over...

Monday, June 9, 2014

G is for....

Good Girl spankings...  It took me quite a while to fess up, admit, and embrace the fact that I am a spanko.  I love it.  I love the release, the pleasure.. Yeah...  When it's good girl spankings.

I crave them.  He is never so loving as when he gives me what I need, want and long for.  It never ceases to amaze me that I can take so much more when it is this kind of spanking.  Punishment.. not so much... I hate it when I have disappointed him.

There is just something totally yummy about the anticipation.. the not knowing what he is going to choose to spank me with..  and then seeing my favorite, the rose paddle.  However, I have to say.. there is nothing, NOTHING better than the deep thud and burn of his hands... 

So yeah...  g is for good girl spankings and all the yummy that goes with it..  Did I mention The Man comes home tomorrow?

Sunday, June 8, 2014


I have spent the last two weeks, cleaning, agonizing, trying to make our home the absolute best it can be.  I am proud of the home The Man works so hard to provide for us. 

My children have chipped in and done the lists of things I have asked.  I am down to one room.  It is the room that shows my inner chaos.  It is where I am comfortable showing how out of control I feel.

Today is the day to clean and I don't want to.  I am comfortable in the mess.  It comforts me to see the outward expression of what I feel inside. 

I watched our son be recognized as a graduating senior today.  I was so proud and it humbled me when our youth pastor thanked him for wanting to serve our country.  Inside that grown young man is my baby.  My son whom it took a long time to prove that mommy's are not monsters that go bump in the night.  My son whom it took 4 years to say I love you because he was so afraid.  Now, he is on the cusp of a new adventure and my heart aches.  It aches with pride and the bittersweet memories of my little boy.

It is petty, I know it is, before I even say it.  I so enjoy hosting.  I love sharing our home, showing it off.  Showing off my Grandmothers corner cabinet, my Aunts Crystal, my mothers quilt, and the work I have put into making this shell a home.  I don't wanna share this with my inlaws.  I don't want to expose my home to their lack of approval.  My head knows that no matter what I do, it won't be enough.  The little girl that lives inside of all of us, doesn't want to "share my toys."  Yet, it is the right thing to do, and do it I will.  I just don't have to like it.  Thank God I was trained in Southern Manners, and hospitality... 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

F is for.....

I was raised in a culture where family is everything.  I was fortunate to have several Uncles and Aunts who weren't blood related, but they were family just the same.  I learned from an early age that family is not blood but connection.
We have a biological family that we were born into and Lord knows I have been fortunate.  I grew up with the "three aunts."  I have others, and I am close to them now, but the three..  Yeah, they were a huge part of my world.  Lord knows I miss the two that have gone home to be with Jesus.  There is one left and I love her more everyday.  I am a Daddy's girl and make no apologies for it.
We have a church family.  We are of like mind, worship the same, express our love of the Lord in a like fashion and I have been blessed through my life to have been part of congregations that were family, fierce, loyal and faithful.
Then we have the family that we make.  I have a best friend whom we have raised our children together.  Our sons are graduating this year.  They are best friends and both are going into the service.  She is my sister, and her husband is my brother.  They have loved my children and accepted us.  When I had no husband, they filled the void.  I never felt like a third wheel.  I was and am family.  We are Aunt and Uncle to their children and they are the same for ours. 
And lastly, for me, there are those of you in blogland who have become a part of my family.  You check on me when I am sick, or disappear.  You talk to me when The Man is gone and I am so lonely.  You encourage me through comments, and sometimes, tell me the truth even when it's not what I want to hear but what I need to.  I have laughed with you, cried for you, and prayed when things are tough and have felt you do the same.  So.... F is for family, and 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

E is for..... Effort

Okay.. so I am joining in a bit late...  but it looks like fun and I don't think anyone is going to mind if I do or you do for that matter.

I decided to use Effort for the letter E. I chose it because I have decided to put my effort toward pleasing my husband rather that letting my in laws drive me bonkers.  At the end of the day, it is his opinion that matters not theirs.  Is it hard?  Yes.  Are there awesome rewards for this kind of effort?  Oh yeah...

Effort is when you don't wanna go to the gym, you can think of fifty millions reasons not to.  You have too much to do, you are too tired, you don't do the moves as well as others, but then you square your shoulders, put your gym clothes on and go.

Effort is when you don't like the rule, don't want the rule, but for the love of your HoH, you try your best to obey the rule, and feel the pride he feels when you do.. Yeah there are rewards.

Effort is when something comes hard to you, that something that you wish to do well in and it just doesn't come naturally to you..  but you struggle through, you put keep at it.  You strive to learn, and you feel the accomplishment of a job well done.

Effort is going through the steps for the umpteenth time with your child, because they missed one of the important steps of whatever they are learning, and the pride you feel when you can step back because they remember all the steps and make it their own...