Saturday, May 31, 2014

Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

I have been meaning to post.  I just haven't quite known what to say.  I am working through a lot of emotions and that is just messy.  There is something to be said for numb, reserved, and calm...

No, not everything that has been going on in my life in the last two weeks has been bad.  But I find I don't do well with extreme emotions.  I like things.. well, peaceful, calm, you get the idea..

So, on this roller coaster of emotions, I have my dad who has been in the hospital again.  His need for oxygen is increasing as his unwillingness to increase his use.  When did my Daddy get so fragile?   When did he become afraid to sleep alone?  When did he start to look so sad?

I have three graduations back to back.  A young lady I have worked with for 8 years graduated today and I was humbled for her to publically recognize me during graduation.  My nephew will graduate next week and then, my son will graduate the next.  He will leave for basic training, and he is my third to leave my home, and well, guess what?  It doesn't get any easier.

My inlaws are coming.  I haven't seen them in 6 years.  Quite frankly, they hate me.  They hate my daughter, and have worked tirelessly to damage our marriage.  The Man has taken steps to rectify that, but I still live in fear.  They are sneaky and manipulative and I will never be good enough for them and it hurts me.  They will be here for a week.  I think I am going to have a perpetual red bottom just to manage the stress.  My fear is that I won't be able to accept them or that I will be resentful.  Stress relief spanking is one thing.  I honestly don't know that I can handle to be punished in reference to them.

I am so resentful of my brother and I feel petty for it.  He wants nothing to do with me.  He can't be bothered with my folks unless he can arrange his schedule (like daddy can schedule his sickness)  Then he is allowed to have discussions about health concerns with my dad and mom without me.  Am I wrong to feel resentful?  Am I wrong to feel that I am being left out when he breezes through for the weekend and becomes the "one".  Logic says use the time he is there to your advantage, but I fear he is going to be disrespectful to my mom and dad..  I know how he speaks about them, how will he speak to them?

And.. the big news..  I have a friend.. a dd friend.  I won't say where I met her, but we are friends, and after a couple of interesting slips, we laid our cards on the table.  It's really cool to have someone that knows, knows me, understands, and still respects me and doesn't look at The Man as a monster. 

And... Cat, thanks for checking on me.  Your friendship means the world to me...

13 comments:

  1. Okay Darlin...first things first...take a deep breath and let it out...now another...an another.

    Now...we all know this time of year is crazy with end of school activities, graduations, etc. That can get hectic but it is rewarding. Congratulations on having that young lady recognize all your hard work and dedication...go you! Yes, we both know it never gets easier when one of our own leaves home but at least your boy will be home after boot camp...bright spot! ;)

    As for the in-laws...yes they are sneaky, manipulative, hateful, miserable people who are so unhappy with their own lives that they have to try to make everyone around them miserable. They should rejoice and call you the daughter of their heart for the joy you bring their son! Yes, the Man is awesome and a wonderful husband but then again, you are awesome and a wonderful wife so you two are well matched!

    I drive my mother crazy because when she says something like "what will 'x' think about 'y'" My answer is "I don't care because they're opinion doesn't matter to me". Bottom line...I am me...take it or leave it. Don't let them trigger you...if the Man isn't available, you call me...day or night...if I don't answer...text and let me know you need to talk and I will wrap things up to get freed up. Please talk to the Man before they arrive about how you feel regarding receiving a punishment in reference to them.

    Okay...brother...*sigh*...let him play his little games...you can't stop him or change anything he says or does. But don't you dare feel petty! Just let it go...you have enough on your plate...why take on something that is going to up your stress level but you can't do anything about it. I am sorry your daddy is struggling and fragile...been there and it's no fun.

    Congratulations on your DD friend...that is totally awesome! Does make life a bit easier doesn't it.

    I am sorry I haven't checked on you sooner...I am here whenever you need me. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks girlfriend.. I know I can count on you to be my personal cheering section.

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  2. So sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. My in-laws are not great either, there have been lots of ups & downs with them but I am learning to trust my husband to handle them & remembering that he LOVES me & chose me even when his ice queen of a mother tried to talk him out of proposing to me...she finally seems to be getting it that he is happy. You are a good person & The Man loves you & your daughter & I do not believe he would ever let them come between you two. Hang in there! My Son (my oldest) is graduating also so I also feel your pain there! So happy for you that you have a "real life" DD friend, I think that is something we all want!
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. That's the prob Scarlet. At one point in our marriage he did and it was so hurtful. Now, in his defense, they never let him see it, but he never believed me until someone else who saw it, told him. Now, that was before DD. This is the first time since we started DD that they have been here. And Congrats on your oldest graduating..

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  3. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now Dana. (((hugs))) I hope the inlaw visit goes better than expected and the time passes quickly and then they're gone again. And how cool about your friend. There is someone I know, a friendly acquaintance I guess you'd say, who I suspect may have a dd marriage, but for several reasons I'm not putting my cards out on the table. You're brave to have done so!

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    1. Grace... ya gotta know, she spilled the beans first.... and things are settling.. I am glad to hear you and your Michael are doing well.

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  4. Gosh Dana - that is a lot to deal with. Especially the in-laws. I myself have been reflecting on the unconditional love that I see my friends enjoy with their family members. I have that on hubby's side, but not mine. And it's hard not to be hurt or bitter. But what is important is to hold onto what you have with the Man - and to remember that he CHOSE YOU, and that he loves you. Maybe find a mantra or a song line to recite to yourself while his folks are around. I find that that helps me when I'm around difficult people. And not letting them see that they can get to me helps too. They usually lose their steam when they can't get a rise, you know?
    I hope for all the best for you - let us know how it goes.
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks Cali... It's just so hard, when they have caused such emotional devastation in our family... And I am not as confident as I should be where the Man is concerned... Thanks for the mantra Idea... I'll have to think on it...

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  5. DANA DANA DANA!!!! Are you really signed up for the A 2 Z blog hop? Are ya? Are ya? Will you post tomorrow? Squeeeeeeee I'm so excited you're joining! And I just realized you're going to look at this comment and go " who in the world is this crazy lady sqeeeing all over my page? So, HFM (praying you will know the reference)

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    1. If not, I will find my old phone, grab your # and send ya a text :)

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    2. You are gonna have to text me cause my mind is completely blank and did I miss that I am supposed to post something.. let me go back and look...

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    3. And I answered my own question... and I know who you are.. How are ya girlfriend?

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    4. Good, I'll text ya! Sorry I disappeared, I was busy writing a book! ;)

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