I have been meaning to post. I just haven't quite known what to say. I am working through a lot of emotions and that is just messy. There is something to be said for numb, reserved, and calm...
No, not everything that has been going on in my life in the last two weeks has been bad. But I find I don't do well with extreme emotions. I like things.. well, peaceful, calm, you get the idea..
So, on this roller coaster of emotions, I have my dad who has been in the hospital again. His need for oxygen is increasing as his unwillingness to increase his use. When did my Daddy get so fragile? When did he become afraid to sleep alone? When did he start to look so sad?
I have three graduations back to back. A young lady I have worked with for 8 years graduated today and I was humbled for her to publically recognize me during graduation. My nephew will graduate next week and then, my son will graduate the next. He will leave for basic training, and he is my third to leave my home, and well, guess what? It doesn't get any easier.
My inlaws are coming. I haven't seen them in 6 years. Quite frankly, they hate me. They hate my daughter, and have worked tirelessly to damage our marriage. The Man has taken steps to rectify that, but I still live in fear. They are sneaky and manipulative and I will never be good enough for them and it hurts me. They will be here for a week. I think I am going to have a perpetual red bottom just to manage the stress. My fear is that I won't be able to accept them or that I will be resentful. Stress relief spanking is one thing. I honestly don't know that I can handle to be punished in reference to them.
I am so resentful of my brother and I feel petty for it. He wants nothing to do with me. He can't be bothered with my folks unless he can arrange his schedule (like daddy can schedule his sickness) Then he is allowed to have discussions about health concerns with my dad and mom without me. Am I wrong to feel resentful? Am I wrong to feel that I am being left out when he breezes through for the weekend and becomes the "one". Logic says use the time he is there to your advantage, but I fear he is going to be disrespectful to my mom and dad.. I know how he speaks about them, how will he speak to them?
And.. the big news.. I have a friend.. a dd friend. I won't say where I met her, but we are friends, and after a couple of interesting slips, we laid our cards on the table. It's really cool to have someone that knows, knows me, understands, and still respects me and doesn't look at The Man as a monster.
And... Cat, thanks for checking on me. Your friendship means the world to me...