Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Are We Okay?

Sweetheart,

I have spent a lot of time the last few days pondering just this question... Are we ok?  I think we're ok, I want us to be ok.  I know that emotions have been really hard for me lately.

I expected you to land on me like a ton of bricks.  I didn't quite know how I was going to handle that, but I wanted to try.  I knew that I was so out of control, and much as I tried to deny it, still grieving so deeply. 

It was so hard to pack up her life.  How do you decide what to keep?  What to throw away?  What to give away?  I wanted to keep everything she had ever touched, or that smelled like her.  I wanted to gather all of her things, in hopes that I would feel her close again.  But we both know, life doesn't work that way.  Her house was so empty.  She was no longer there.  I didn't know how to tell you that I was dying in inches, trying to be strong for her son and be for him what she always was for me.  A soft place to land.

Then, I just lost my cookies.  I was so angry.  I just blew.  All those feelings just came pouring out, much as I tried to stuff it, or at least be nice.  I expected a spanking.  I got mercy.  I expected a fight, I got grace, and I was humbled.

I am sick and you have put me to bed.  I am baffled.


This is what I would love to tell The Man.  His love for my family is so beautiful it makes me cry.  It matters not.  He has taken my family as his own.  He never complains, even when we are packing up and moving a house full of things till past midnight, and dragging home an emotionally devastated wife.  Or taking the time to set aside at least one day or two that you are home to spend with my dad. 

I really thought I would handle grief better than this.  I am truly happy she is no longer suffering, but I miss her so.  I am not angry, I just miss her.  I am able to think of her and it's not  like I just lost her all over again.  I am able to think of all the joy and love and laughter and such good times we had and I cherish those.  I just miss her.

We are going away for 4 days.  He is taking me to Florida.  I have developed a nasty cold.  I am trying to rest and be better.  We have many wonderfully, delicious, special, naughty plans for our trip and I am looking forward to them all.  I have even been visiting the "sun coffin", (that is what my aunt called them) so I don't burn.  I may even post pics..  of the beach...  shame on ya'll.... :)

19 comments:

  1. Hey Dana...I am sorry you are going through such a rough time...quit expecting so much out of yourself. She was very special to you and there when you needed her during some very painful times...it is going to take a long time to heal.

    Let the Man take care of you and enjoy your time together on the beach. Yes please post pics...of whatever! ;)

    Oh and right now...take lots of Vitamin C, Zinc and Echinacea to fight that cold!

    I'm here if there is anything I can do for you...just wish I lived closer to help you with the painful task.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. I am glad the worst of the packing is over. It was very hard, but I was glad I could help. I am trying to get better... I want to be in tip top shape...

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  2. I am sorry that things are so hard. Grief can be so strong one minute, and gone for a while the next. I'm praying for you as you go through this. I just love the way your husband is behind you. How beautiful a picture you pain for us. I hope that you are well before your trip! Naughty is always done best when you are feeling well. ;)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. I know right? He bought new toys and everything.... Thanks for the support EsMay. It means a lot.

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  3. Grief is a hard thing to go through. About the time you feel you have adjusted... bam, you are once again blindsided and have to start all over again. Be kind and gentle to yourself, this too will pass and you will once again find peace and joy in your memories. Go and enjoy your trip. Allow yourself to be cared for and pampered. You deserve this time.

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    1. Thanks Catherine. You are right, sometimes I am ok and then others, I'm so not.. I am trying to feel better so I can enjoy my trip to the fullest...

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  4. (((hugs))) Dana. So sorry you are going through this hard time. It does sound like the Man is being very understanding. It will take time to deal with the grief you feel and that is okay. Take the time you need. Lean into your husband and let him care for you. My prayers are with you. <3

    love
    sara

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    1. I am trying.. I just, just feel like I should be handling all this better. I should be well just better at it.

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    2. Aw, don't say that Dana. I don't believe there is a right way to handle grief. You just do the best you can and with time it will get better. It's not monumental advice but it is true. My grandma died about 4 years ago and I still cry for her. When she passed I sat in her room with my little boy and held her things. I went through her address book and little random notes she had where she had written things down. I just wanted to be near her. I snuggled her blanket and put on her robe. I wore the necklace she gave me for my wedding. Whatever I could do to feel close to her, I did and that helped a lot. Is there something like that you could do? My little boy also wrote her a letter. It nearly broke my heart because it was so pure and innocent. He said something like, "Grandma I know you are in Heaven and we miss you but we are okay and you are okay." So simple and sweet. He was only 6 at the time.

      much love and prayers for you Dana

      love
      sara

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  5. Oh Dana, I'm so sorry you're both going through this hard time. Like Sara said, let him take care of you, lean on him. Sending hugs your way!

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    1. Thanks Kenzie. It's just not like me to be sad, or to struggle like this. I just want to be better, and it's just not happening.

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  6. Dana, I'm so sorry you're going through so much grief, I guess it's good that your feeling the pain instead or repressing it, and I hope you can look back at all the great memories and smile. I really hope you find some peace and relaxation at the beach..and lots of sun :)

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    1. Thanks Jennelle. Somehow, I thought that my relief that she no longer suffered, meant I was prepared for her to be gone. I was very wrong. It is getting better.

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  7. Dana I'm so very sorry for the hard time you're having. Grief just sucks the life out of you. I know. More often than not the unshed tears just morph into anger. Be kind to yourself...it will get better.

    Enjoy yourself with your wonderful hubby! Get some relaxation and sun in ( I'm SO jealous!).

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    1. I am looking forward to some much needed undivided attention.. I am trying to give myself time. I just struggle, cause I want this to be better..

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  8. Dana,
    Sorry I am a little "late to the party" I just finished reading your posts from the beginning up to the present & I loved how honest & true you are & how your emotions really jump off the screen-I really enjoyed reading your journey. I am so sorry you are hurting & missing your aunt who was so much more to you-I know how hard that can be & I am so glad The Man is taking such good care of you. From all I have read I know you are both very special people and I am so glad you will get to spend some time alone to recharge & just enjoy one another.
    I hope you have a wonderful trip,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Thank you so much. I try very hard to keep it real, honest, and genuine. It's not always pretty, but it's real. Thanks for the encouragement. The trip was wonderful and I am going to post about it soon...

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  9. Oh, Dana, I'm so sorry for your loss. You're so right about it not happening the way we think when, although we're glad they're no longer suffering, the grief is still so overwhelming. I felt that way when I lost my mom. My sisters and I didn't want for her to have to suffer any longer, and when she passed, I felt as if I'd been hit by a mack truck. It takes time. It comes in waves. I'm so glad you're getting away with the Man.

    God bless you....I hope you come back well rested.

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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    1. Thanks Sadie.. I am feeling better. Yesterday was my birthday. She always remembered...

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