I have spent a lot of time the last few days pondering just this question... Are we ok? I think we're ok, I want us to be ok. I know that emotions have been really hard for me lately.
I expected you to land on me like a ton of bricks. I didn't quite know how I was going to handle that, but I wanted to try. I knew that I was so out of control, and much as I tried to deny it, still grieving so deeply.
It was so hard to pack up her life. How do you decide what to keep? What to throw away? What to give away? I wanted to keep everything she had ever touched, or that smelled like her. I wanted to gather all of her things, in hopes that I would feel her close again. But we both know, life doesn't work that way. Her house was so empty. She was no longer there. I didn't know how to tell you that I was dying in inches, trying to be strong for her son and be for him what she always was for me. A soft place to land.
Then, I just lost my cookies. I was so angry. I just blew. All those feelings just came pouring out, much as I tried to stuff it, or at least be nice. I expected a spanking. I got mercy. I expected a fight, I got grace, and I was humbled.
I am sick and you have put me to bed. I am baffled.
This is what I would love to tell The Man. His love for my family is so beautiful it makes me cry. It matters not. He has taken my family as his own. He never complains, even when we are packing up and moving a house full of things till past midnight, and dragging home an emotionally devastated wife. Or taking the time to set aside at least one day or two that you are home to spend with my dad.
I really thought I would handle grief better than this. I am truly happy she is no longer suffering, but I miss her so. I am not angry, I just miss her. I am able to think of her and it's not like I just lost her all over again. I am able to think of all the joy and love and laughter and such good times we had and I cherish those. I just miss her.
We are going away for 4 days. He is taking me to Florida. I have developed a nasty cold. I am trying to rest and be better. We have many wonderfully, delicious, special, naughty plans for our trip and I am looking forward to them all. I have even been visiting the "sun coffin", (that is what my aunt called them) so I don't burn. I may even post pics.. of the beach... shame on ya'll.... :)