Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Walkin' on Sunshine... Well....

Yes, it has poured rain for two days.  Yes, I have spent so much time in my car the last 4 days that I feel like my car seat is permanently molded to my butt.  And ya know what?  All of that pales in comparison to the fact... Wait for it... 

On the phone, hear his voice kinda talking.  Right after I left the conference after delivering my speech (did I mention that 75 minutes is a long time to present ANYTHING?)  I was in the car and we tried just phone face time and it worked.  It was so good to hear his voice.  He said he was proud of me.  How cool is that?

I have really been struggling with the whole distancing thing.  When things get so overwhelming, I have a tendency to shut down, and shut out.  I have this need to prove I can pull my OWN little red wagon.  

(Cat, stop snorting at the implication that I am an Angel...)
So, I finally told The Man how I was feeling.  I told him that I needed to know that shutting him out was unacceptable.  I told him that sometimes I wish we weren't DD cause on weeks like last week, it's just too hard.  Then I asked him if he would give me one task a day, to help me feel his authority and guidance.

The Man told me that YES shutting him out was not acceptable and there would be consequences.  He readily agreed to give me a task, and he has been very available the last couple of days.  I felt his thoughts and prayers today as I began speaking and knew he was rooting for me.

And now, to end your day...  I owe some of you ladies in blogland a very heartfelt apology.  You see, there have been times that some of you have shared that you were in big trouble because you let your car run out of gas...  I am ashamed to admit, I have snorted, chuckled, and thought to myself.....

whilst driving today, 3 hours from home...  I looked down and thought.. Oh.. I am going to need gas pretty soon.  I drove on, and just as I passed an exit with gas, the light came on...  I thought, I'll get gas at the next exit.
Would any of you like to hazard a guess as to HOW long it was until an exit with gas reared it's beautiful head?  I was driving, the gauge was kindly telling me how many miles I had left with the gas I had. 
I saw 50
I saw 40
I saw 30
And then it just started flashing in warning!!!!
That is right, 46.5 miles
Needless to say, my stomach was clinched, fervent prayers began at 30 and in the back of my mind was this thought, "Dear Lord, I wonder if The Man will spank me if I run out of gas?" 
Then I was sure this was my comeuppance for snorting at my Blogland Friends.  So...  next time, I'm not even gonna roll my eyes.. Promise!!!


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Excuse Me? Excuse Me? I would like to turn in my Grown Up papers...

Upon great consideration, consternation, and heartfelt thought (sounds really intense doesn't it?)

I have determined that I no longer want to be a grown up.  I will be more than happy to turn in my paperwork and resign. 
Just this week alone....  there was a 950 dollar bill for the HVAC Unit.
Not to be out done, my Father decided to take an emergency trip to the hospital and emergency surgery.
Then, lest work feel left out, one of my teenagers I work with had to be hospitalized and I had to be the one to admit her.
I woke up this morning in a total panic!!!  The thought occurred to me that tomorrow I am supposed to leave for a conference that I have been asked to be a guest speaker.
I have had little to no contact with the man since Monday.  Yep... I keep hunting for the service desk to resign...  I think they are hiding from me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

It's the Nights that are the Worst

During the day, I am busy.  I have responsibilities.  I am working, doing the things that the people who depend on me need to do to stand for them.  The ache is still there, but dull and somewhat in the background as I move through my day.  I always try to conduct myself in a way that would make him proud and within the rules we have set to help me and us.

In the evening, I am doing for the children, working out, getting ready for the next day.  Cooking, cleaning, doing the things that keep our home a home, a sanctuary for our family.

And then, there is nothing else to do, there are no dragons to slay, no chores to be done.  The children have gone to bed, and the darkness has fallen.  This is when I miss The Man the most.  I don't think unless you live this kind of life, it's easy to understand the importance of the little things, that aren't so little when you don't have them.  Feeling your mate snuggled behind you as you drift off to sleep, knowing that even in sleep he is there to protect you even from the nightmares that come in the dead of night.

Being able to sent a text or call on the phone to share something funny, or frustrating, or sad.  Not being able to say, "Wait till your Dad gets home, and he can deal with this."  Cause well a month is a long time to wait.  Hearing him say in the morning, "You look great."  Or, "I know you are going to knock 'em dead in court today."  Or that softly whispered, "Be careful where you are headed with that attitude Little Girl."  Even as much as we  joke, I miss "The Look."

Yet, with all of this, it's our life.  This is the job that allows The Man to provide for his family.  My family, Our family with all the ins and outs of life.  This is a place that he thrives, excels and gives him the respect in his job that all men thrive upon.  He succeeds here.  He loves it.  He enjoys confidence, admiration, is well thought of and has built an outstanding reputation through integrity, hard work and character. 

Everyone he works with, knows he is a family man, a faithful man, and the head of his home.  I am proud of that.  I am proud of him.  He needs his job as much as I need mine.  I would no more ask him to give up his as I would want to give up mine.  It's just tougher to remember all that..  In the middle of the night when I am wearing his tshirt because it smell like him. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Coming up for Air.....

I know I haven't posted in a bit.  Truly, I have been selfish and spent every minute with The Man that I could.  He took me away to Florida for 4 days for my birthday.  We had a simply amazing time.  He didn't open his computer and neither did I.  We walked on the beach, several times.  We watched the sun set, we watched the sun rise, and spent every minute of every day together.

We had some interesting moments... Like when The Man said....  I have some good news.. You get to go shopping tomorrow because your suitcase didn't make it to the car.  And....  I did not throw a fit.  I didn't panic or fuss or pout.  We were at Wal Mart at 1 am buying one outfit and panties..  Cause well, a girl MUST have clean panties.  He was patient and I relaxed.  He took me shopping the next day for clothes for the trip. 

Ladies..  I have to tell you, he did the most amazing thing.  It made me feel all warm and fuzzy and submissive inside.  He took me to a nice restaurant, it was a piano bar.  And, he ordered for me.  He was confident, and assertive and ohhhh so sexy..  I'm telling you, there is NOTHING sexier on The Man than his HOH hat worn just right.   We were so close and had such fun.  Some sweet, some sexy, some cozy and some oh so naughty.

I had a court hearing this week, and was called to testify for 4 and 1/2 hours straight on the stand.  Gotta tell ya that is just grueling.  I came home and The Man held me, and sent me to Zumba.  We had dinner and he held me close.

We are making such progress in things.  I came home Thursday and panicked.  My house was so out of order, I just lost my cookies.  However, I took a deep breath and began to clean.  I was able to express to the Man that I was not angry, I was overwhelmed and I couldn't take it.  His face softened, and asked, what can I do?  I cancelled the gym time and cleaned the house and with help, had it set to rights in short order, but in times past?  I would have totally lost it, taken no prisoners and said such ugly hateful things. 

Today, was spent outside getting ready for garden season.  Many projects were completed, and the Man?  He said that he was bringing dinner home cause well, I have pressure washed the deck, gotten two of my raised beds ready for planting, supervised the moving of muscadine vines and the building of the trellis, supervised and worked three teen age boys like slave labor and I'm not sorry.  Then tilled the ground around the pool for them to shovel the dirt away to make way for sand.  Yeah, I'm whupped. 

Have I mentioned that I love him very much?  OH... I see that March is questions month.  Better late than never...  If you guys have questions, especially for The Man, now is the time, as he is leaving on Monday for a month....

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Are We Okay?


I have spent a lot of time the last few days pondering just this question... Are we ok?  I think we're ok, I want us to be ok.  I know that emotions have been really hard for me lately.

I expected you to land on me like a ton of bricks.  I didn't quite know how I was going to handle that, but I wanted to try.  I knew that I was so out of control, and much as I tried to deny it, still grieving so deeply. 

It was so hard to pack up her life.  How do you decide what to keep?  What to throw away?  What to give away?  I wanted to keep everything she had ever touched, or that smelled like her.  I wanted to gather all of her things, in hopes that I would feel her close again.  But we both know, life doesn't work that way.  Her house was so empty.  She was no longer there.  I didn't know how to tell you that I was dying in inches, trying to be strong for her son and be for him what she always was for me.  A soft place to land.

Then, I just lost my cookies.  I was so angry.  I just blew.  All those feelings just came pouring out, much as I tried to stuff it, or at least be nice.  I expected a spanking.  I got mercy.  I expected a fight, I got grace, and I was humbled.

I am sick and you have put me to bed.  I am baffled.

This is what I would love to tell The Man.  His love for my family is so beautiful it makes me cry.  It matters not.  He has taken my family as his own.  He never complains, even when we are packing up and moving a house full of things till past midnight, and dragging home an emotionally devastated wife.  Or taking the time to set aside at least one day or two that you are home to spend with my dad. 

I really thought I would handle grief better than this.  I am truly happy she is no longer suffering, but I miss her so.  I am not angry, I just miss her.  I am able to think of her and it's not  like I just lost her all over again.  I am able to think of all the joy and love and laughter and such good times we had and I cherish those.  I just miss her.

We are going away for 4 days.  He is taking me to Florida.  I have developed a nasty cold.  I am trying to rest and be better.  We have many wonderfully, delicious, special, naughty plans for our trip and I am looking forward to them all.  I have even been visiting the "sun coffin", (that is what my aunt called them) so I don't burn.  I may even post pics..  of the beach...  shame on ya'll.... :)