Saturday, February 22, 2014

Things that go Bump in the Nght

The Man is home and that is an awesome thing.  The Man came home sick and that is not an awesome thing.  I hate when he isn't feeling well and I can't do anything but wait it out with him.

He was kind and got the punishment out of the way...  How I hate that little brown paddle...  London Tanners can keep their toys...

I am struggling and I don't know why.  We are not fighting.  Things are on an even ground.  I noticed it after a good girl spanking.  I don't know if I wasn't in a place to accept it well, or that I was so in need of it, that I got overwhelmed or what.  I just know that it seemed to be all pain and no gain.  Now for those of you who are spankno's, I bet you are going... "Well DUH...  that is as it should be."  However, I am a spanko.  I love good girl spankings..  I enjoy them, long for them.  Punishment is another animal to me and I don' t like those at all.

I feel, disconnected.  I feel numb.  I feel closed in on myself and I don't know how to explain it.  I even told The Man last night that I don't feel like he likes me very much.  Now, I know these are just my feelings, and nothing he has done.  I feel sad.  A deep in my heart sadness, that is too much for tears.  Does that make sense?  I am just muddling through, trying to process this.  I am hoping that in writing it down, I can gain some insight.

I feel withered inside.. That I am parched for a drink, but don't know what to ask for.   I don't want to ruin the time I have with The Man.  I want to put on a happy face, and not be all down and sad.  This is truly not my nature.   I know he is searching for answers because he asked me if I had written on my blog.  He often reads here to gain insight.

I hate that this sounds like a whining session.  I just needed to get some things out there and see if they make anymore sense than they do right now.

21 comments:

  1. Dana

    So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Sometimes it is hard to figure out
    the whys. Often I think things go in cycles. At least they do for me. I feel happy
    and loved and cannot get enough spankings for fun then suddenly my mood will
    turn and I feel sad, grouchy, disconnected and I don't want a spanking at all.
    Hopefully things will smooth out soon and the Man will be well so you two can
    find your happy place together again.

    love
    sara

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    1. It helps to know that I'm not the only one. He is already catching on that something is not right..

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  2. Dana.. I have been in your shoes more than once. I agree with Sara, sometimes these things just cycle around for no apparent reason. Makes it harder to figure out which way to go. While your man is home and not necessarily feeling his best, it's important that you at least let him know how you are feeling. You might be surprised how he can support you. Let him know what you need. Give him a little extra TLC which will put your heart in the right space and help him get better in no time. Hang in there, this too will pass.

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    1. He read the blog, he already knew something was off. I have a tendency to disappear inside myself when all is not right and I don't know why..

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  3. I am also a total spanko, but have experienced a similar withering with spanking. I sort of hate to get psychological on spanking, because I sort of feel like it makes it sound like there's something "wrong" with spankos that can be fixed, and I prefer to think it's just an orientation I was born with. So with that disclaimer, I think that the emotional draw to spanking has to do with an underlying need to please, to submit, etc. So even in PLAY (good girl spanking) the sense of not be adequate can somehow get confused in our brains. Does that make sense? I haven't actually put this in words before, but I do recognize the emotions you're describing...

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    1. YES... it didn't go well, it was very painful from the very beginning, and I was just sure it was a failing on my part.. That I wasn't submitting enough. It makes perfect sense.. Thanks!!

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting. It must be so hard when you can hardly wait to get your man home and then feel bad. One time recently I hadn't seen my kids in 10 days, then I finally get them back and was completely numb. I just ended up shutting myself in a room and crying. The crying did help and luckily things passed.

    I'm an unapologetic spanko, but every once in a while it just HURTS. That won't last long.

    I'm hope you're feeling better soon!

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    1. Yes, it's like nothing went as it should, and I just got derailed somehow. I am also under a pretty significant amount of stress. Thanks for stopping by. The kindness of Blogland always blows me away.

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  5. OH Dana, we just had a spanking go bad too. {{{hugs}}} I felt so off kilter, and a lot of the same of what you are feeling now. It is not fun at all. :( I was just so lost inside, so sad and depressed, and so very far away from the Duke. I don't know if this will help, it might even make it worse, so I'd talk to your man first, but a spanking is actually what finally get me out of that. But each person is different, and I can't say for certain that that would help or not. Either way, I hope you start to feel better soon. This will pass, and you'll be able to have a great visit with your man.

    {{{{hugs}}}} EsMay

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    1. I'm not sure how he is going to handle it. I know we've never had a good girl spanking go badly.. and it didn't go badly.. at least for anyone but me. I just knuckled under and did the suck it up thing. He hates when I do that.

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  6. I'm not a marriage expert, but I think I am a "disappointment expert". Since you have chosen for the Man to be in control, you probably have (not necessarily saying you shouldn't feel this way)a feeling of how can he take care of ME; he can't even take care of himself! It's normal to feel this way; it isn't NICE, but it is normal. Think of your friends, family members in "regular" marriages - it's always, ":He's such a big baby; you'd think he was dying." Our culture, sadly, negates men's feelings, while at the same time, complaining they aren't more sensitive. This is an unhappy time for you. Don't feel you are a bad wife when you have negative feelings. Admit them to yourself - and the Man if you think it appropriate. If you are usually a cheery person, that's very good. But don't take it as a failure. It's like rain. It happens.

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    1. what you say makes sense. thankfully, he's not a terrible sick person. I think I have a lot of emotions running around right now, and I am trying my best to let him know what is going on.

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  7. Aw, I'm sorry Dana...maybe it's a case of just feeling a little blue right now? You were so excited for his homecoming, and then he obviously wasn't feeling like his best self and now you aren't really feeling like your best self? I don't know...just guessing...but we all have off days so don't be to hard on yourself. Hope you both feel better real soon:)

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    1. Thanks Tess.. The Man held me close last night and said very simply... this is not a butt problem.. this is a head problem, and I love you and we are going to be just fine..

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  8. Sometimes you just have to let time take its course. Hugs

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  9. It doesn't sound like a whining session at all! This is your blog, your place to vent, to talk about the good, and the bad!

    I see the comment you left in response to Tess's comment and I think what he said it SO cute. He's got you, he'll protect you, and he'll make those not so good feelings go away.

    Feel better soon! :)

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    1. He is a hoot Kenzie, that is for sure. Things are settling down. We haven't tried spanking again, and I'm nervous about it.. but we are good

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  10. Ah, Dana, I agree with Kenzie. This was not a whining session at all. You just needed to process what is going on and how you're feeling about it. Right now, I feel somewhat disconnected from Kane......nothing is 'wrong', per se, but we're not where we ought to be (and where we've been before) in the dynamic. We're getting along fine enough, and I don't think he's even aware of the missing piece. That's upsetting to me, too. Then I feel bad for feeling this way when we both have been under a lot of stress lately, with colds/illnesses to boot. Sigh. Hang in there. Glad to hear things are settling down and that you and the Man are good :)

    Sadie

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  11. Dana dear...so sorry that I have been out of blogland and didn't read here sooner. I am sure that the Man has gotten things under control by now but I'm still gonna add my 2 cents worth. You have been and still are under a lot of stress and you are still grieving...and will be for quite a while. You were so excited about the Man coming home...and he shows up sick...here you are trying to find your submission with him home but at the same time you want to 'boss him'...makes it a bit harder to find your submission doesn't it. Combine all that with feeling guilty for "making" the Man give you a punishment spanking when he came home.

    Basically...in my opinion (which with a whole $1 will get you a cheap cup of coffee), you are just overwhelmed and need some cuddling. Feel free to call if you need to talk.

    Sending healing energy that the Man is feeling better and positive energy for you!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Yeah, that is pretty much what he said.. We are doing better. He is paying very close attention to me and my reactions at this point.

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