Monday, February 10, 2014

My Desire...

I have read many blogs agreed with them, debated over them, understood them and even knew exactly what was being said.

Yet this week, something that has been lurking in the back of my mind came to the front.  As is the way of this life, The Man and I are growing, changing, finding what fits us, and what doesn't.  It is true when you say, "Its not about the destination, but the journey."

I had thoughts of  why won't he be consistent? Or why won't he give me what I need?  Then something that June said from The Dish with Ward and June, resonated.  What was I doing to be submissive?  I couldn't change his dominance until I offered my submission. 

I have so often been afraid that if I gave my all, if I let the last wall fall, then I would lose who I am.  Life has not always been kind, and my history is much the same as many here in blogland.  So, I learned to depend on me, while longing, desperately for a Man whom I could trust enough to love me enough to accept the gift of my submission and lead me in a way that brought us good things.

I have slowly but surely, opened up to the Man about my desires, about the things I need.  I have found that as I relax and lean, he is more than able to stand strong and shelter me under his shoulder.  I have watched my submission call to his dominance.  He stands taller, and is fierce where I am concerned.

Yet something simply today made me see in a whole new light.  I was tired, and I didn't want to go to the gym today.  Now, I feel better, and am a happier person when I go, especially when he is gone.  I told him I didn't want to go.  He encouraged me to go, and I finally told him that I needed consequences for not going.  It was a moment of vulnerability for me.  I had put out there what I needed from him.  I waited to see what he would say.  He told me that it was a spankable offense and even more so since I had asked and he had asked that I go.  Then he said the most amazing thing. 
"Please don't make me have to give a punishment spanking my first day home." 

As I thought about that, (on my WAY  to the gym)  it hit me.  My consent is mine to give, my submission is a choice.  My choice, this life is not happening to me.  I have chosen to submit.  I may not like everything that happens (who does)  but this is a conscious decision that I have made for my betterment and the good of my husband and our marriage. 

I am not always comfortable with the desires of my heart, but My Man, he is always there, always listening, never goes to fast, even when I want to hurry.  And I find the walls that I so clung to, held onto, are no longer there.  I may build for a bit, but I find instead of protecting me these days, they get in my way of what I want, which quite simply is him.

10 comments:

  1. So very proud of you sweet Dana! Thank you for sharing such a lovely discovery. Super happy for you and the Man...just looking at how each of you and your relationship have grown is so inspiring!

    I truly miss Ward and Junie...so much wisdom and love. Sure do wish they'd come back. :(

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks.. we are learning and growing..

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  2. Fantastic post! I wrote a few weeks ago about the same thing. The walls don't get us what we want. It feels good at the time, but in the end they don't serve us. Now it's time for ME to workout! UGH.

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    1. Work it girl.. you feel better.. the walls never felt good, only safe..

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  3. Great post Dana. It is easy to forget sometimes that we asked for this and we did give our submission. It's just harder than others sometimes to give it. Good job on you for going and for letting the wall come down.

    I miss Ward and June too :)

    love
    sara

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    1. You know that's right.. It's tough, and usually out of a place of fear that I hide..

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  4. That is such a lovely post! When The Big Guy and I were talking last night I mentioned how hard submission is for me at times because of how I learned growing up that I could really only trust myself. So, for years I've said how much I trust my Guy (because I do trust him more than anyone in the world), but yet I've never totally let that last bit of wall down to trust him implicitly. It was a sad realization to come to. I know it hurt him to hear it, too. But this is what I'm striving for...to trust him - truly trust him with more than just my words - to do what needs to be done for me, us, and our family. It's going to be a long road full of many bumps, I'm sure.

    How wonderful that you had this insight. I hope you can break down those last walls and get what you desire.

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    1. We are three years into this, and it has been a slow wonderful, scary, painful, glorious journey.. Give yourself time.

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  5. Dana, I LOVED this post. And I loved what you said, about the walls that you used to cling to now getting in the way of what you desire. Isn't it so true? We thought at one time we had to hold part of ourselves back, we could never fully show who we are, we would never be fully accepted, and so we had to protect ourselves. How wonderful it is to see now that not only are we accepted, but thoroughly loved for who we are, down to our core. :) I am so happy for you. For both of you. :) Way to go, I am just smiling ear to ear after reading this. Thank you for sharing. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Thanks Es May.. and you hit it just right. It's only fear that makes you run.. or for me.. hide. It is wonderful to know he loves me so...

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