I have read many blogs agreed with them, debated over them, understood them and even knew exactly what was being said.
Yet this week, something that has been lurking in the back of my mind came to the front. As is the way of this life, The Man and I are growing, changing, finding what fits us, and what doesn't. It is true when you say, "Its not about the destination, but the journey."
I had thoughts of why won't he be consistent? Or why won't he give me what I need? Then something that June said from The Dish with Ward and June, resonated. What was I doing to be submissive? I couldn't change his dominance until I offered my submission.
I have so often been afraid that if I gave my all, if I let the last wall fall, then I would lose who I am. Life has not always been kind, and my history is much the same as many here in blogland. So, I learned to depend on me, while longing, desperately for a Man whom I could trust enough to love me enough to accept the gift of my submission and lead me in a way that brought us good things.
I have slowly but surely, opened up to the Man about my desires, about the things I need. I have found that as I relax and lean, he is more than able to stand strong and shelter me under his shoulder. I have watched my submission call to his dominance. He stands taller, and is fierce where I am concerned.
Yet something simply today made me see in a whole new light. I was tired, and I didn't want to go to the gym today. Now, I feel better, and am a happier person when I go, especially when he is gone. I told him I didn't want to go. He encouraged me to go, and I finally told him that I needed consequences for not going. It was a moment of vulnerability for me. I had put out there what I needed from him. I waited to see what he would say. He told me that it was a spankable offense and even more so since I had asked and he had asked that I go. Then he said the most amazing thing.
"Please don't make me have to give a punishment spanking my first day home."
As I thought about that, (on my WAY to the gym) it hit me. My consent is mine to give, my submission is a choice. My choice, this life is not happening to me. I have chosen to submit. I may not like everything that happens (who does) but this is a conscious decision that I have made for my betterment and the good of my husband and our marriage.
I am not always comfortable with the desires of my heart, but My Man, he is always there, always listening, never goes to fast, even when I want to hurry. And I find the walls that I so clung to, held onto, are no longer there. I may build for a bit, but I find instead of protecting me these days, they get in my way of what I want, which quite simply is him.