Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Thinking Spot..

I read several different blogs.  Some are strictly DD lifestyle, some are D/s, some are TTWD, and some are like us, a little bit of everything.  The one thing I have always appreciated and loved is that I can come here, share ideas, share my victories, sorrows, frustrations, and bumps in the road of life.  Not always about this lifestyle, but about life.

We may not always agree with one another, but we do our best to honor and respect the choices that we make.  I am glad to see that when there are concerns that someone may not be in the best situation, that it is addressed with kindness, and concern but addressed all the same.  The discussions can some times get heated, but those of us who are truly walking the walk, do our best to treat one another with the respect our HOH type people would expect.

That being said, it never ceases to amaze me that there are people who come to our blogs, who seem to not agree with this lifestyle.  They view spanking to be abusive, or punishment, or any facet of this life.  It is not as if we solicit these folks to come and stay and criticize our life and poke fun.  Disagreeing with something in the lifestyle YOU are living is very different than passing judgment on a way of life you have no interest in and are vehemently opposed.  It is their right to not agree.  It is their right to refuse to ever enter into this way of life.

That being said, it is also our right to live a lifestyle that we have agreed to, (many of us brought this to our husbands).  We have the right to live within a structure that causes our relationship to grow and deepen and intimacy to flourish.  We have the right to feel cherished and loved and protected.

I can speak to this personally.  Having been in a relationship that was abusive, harmful and destructive, where it nearly destroyed my self esteem and left little of myself unscathed, what I have now is nothing like this.  I am loved, cherished, protected, valued, and cared for. 

When I stumble on a blog that I don't agree with, don't feel good about, but it's obvious that the person is living their life the way they want, I don't criticize, I simply move on to a blog that is more like minded.  WE don't have to all agree.  I expect folks not to agree with everything I say.  I also don't expect to be made to feel like there is something wrong with me that I need to be saved from myself or my husband.  Do I always like being spanked?  Nope, I don't.  However, I do love how this tool has helped our marriage be stronger and grow deeper into the intimacy I crave.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Things that go Bump in the Nght

The Man is home and that is an awesome thing.  The Man came home sick and that is not an awesome thing.  I hate when he isn't feeling well and I can't do anything but wait it out with him.

He was kind and got the punishment out of the way...  How I hate that little brown paddle...  London Tanners can keep their toys...

I am struggling and I don't know why.  We are not fighting.  Things are on an even ground.  I noticed it after a good girl spanking.  I don't know if I wasn't in a place to accept it well, or that I was so in need of it, that I got overwhelmed or what.  I just know that it seemed to be all pain and no gain.  Now for those of you who are spankno's, I bet you are going... "Well DUH...  that is as it should be."  However, I am a spanko.  I love good girl spankings..  I enjoy them, long for them.  Punishment is another animal to me and I don' t like those at all.

I feel, disconnected.  I feel numb.  I feel closed in on myself and I don't know how to explain it.  I even told The Man last night that I don't feel like he likes me very much.  Now, I know these are just my feelings, and nothing he has done.  I feel sad.  A deep in my heart sadness, that is too much for tears.  Does that make sense?  I am just muddling through, trying to process this.  I am hoping that in writing it down, I can gain some insight.

I feel withered inside.. That I am parched for a drink, but don't know what to ask for.   I don't want to ruin the time I have with The Man.  I want to put on a happy face, and not be all down and sad.  This is truly not my nature.   I know he is searching for answers because he asked me if I had written on my blog.  He often reads here to gain insight.

I hate that this sounds like a whining session.  I just needed to get some things out there and see if they make anymore sense than they do right now.

Monday, February 17, 2014

It's THAT Time... Yes it is...

No... It is NOT that time of the month...  I don't have those anymore.. (and may I say thank you to the ladies to reminded me this was a very, very bright side to having the procedure done.)

It is tax time, but I don't handle that.

It's not my birthday, that is next month.

Anybody wanna guess?   You know you do.. Inquiring minds and all that....

YUP... The Man comes home tomorrow.  I am so excited.  We have talked a lot while he has been gone.  We have times that we focus on the kids while he is home.  We have times that we focus on our friends and family.  There are times we focus on the house.. and then.. there are times like this one, when it seems we are to focus on us.  On our relationship, our intimacy, restoring our emotional tanks for one another.  I love times like this.

I always get nervous, twitchy, unsettled right before he is to come home.  You see, he is gone a month and home a month.  For the month that he is gone, I am responsible for decisions made regarding the kids and our life.  I talk with him when I can, I do my best to always think in terms of our rules and what he would want.  When he comes home, it is my job to turn over the reins.  It's not always easy.  I love him home, want him here, miss him terribly.  I would be lying if I didn't say there is a certain amount of freedom when he is gone.  I don't have to plan for anyone but myself and the boys.  They are in their older teens and I am not needed as when they were small. 

I look forward to good girl spankings.  They are the best.  I love to reconnect.  I am a spanko, there is just no denying and as much as I love the above type, I hate punishment.  It is rather traumatic for me.  I made a foolish error.  Not one that he would have spanked me for until he realized how bad I felt that I had done it.  I am one that guilt eats at me..  Anywho...  I reached out to someone here on blogland because I felt I could help and I could be of assistance.  That is soooo not the problem.  The Man is the most generous person I know.  The problem is that I did reach out, and gave out my personal number AND talked with her before I even said anything to him.  My heart hurt for her, and I want to help.  He does not have a problem and wants me to continue to help however I can.  However, he was disappointed that I had gone against what I know he prefers.  It is not a rule, but I was told that in the future his expectation was that I speak with him first.  (if it sounds like a rule, looks like a rule, feels like a rule... well  you get the notion)

I was really afraid he was going to ground me from my Blog and you guys.  He didn't.  in short, he said.. I just don't think that would be productive at all.  He's great huh?  I'm sorry, this one just kinda ended up rambling didn't it? 

Monday, February 10, 2014

My Desire...

I have read many blogs agreed with them, debated over them, understood them and even knew exactly what was being said.

Yet this week, something that has been lurking in the back of my mind came to the front.  As is the way of this life, The Man and I are growing, changing, finding what fits us, and what doesn't.  It is true when you say, "Its not about the destination, but the journey."

I had thoughts of  why won't he be consistent? Or why won't he give me what I need?  Then something that June said from The Dish with Ward and June, resonated.  What was I doing to be submissive?  I couldn't change his dominance until I offered my submission. 

I have so often been afraid that if I gave my all, if I let the last wall fall, then I would lose who I am.  Life has not always been kind, and my history is much the same as many here in blogland.  So, I learned to depend on me, while longing, desperately for a Man whom I could trust enough to love me enough to accept the gift of my submission and lead me in a way that brought us good things.

I have slowly but surely, opened up to the Man about my desires, about the things I need.  I have found that as I relax and lean, he is more than able to stand strong and shelter me under his shoulder.  I have watched my submission call to his dominance.  He stands taller, and is fierce where I am concerned.

Yet something simply today made me see in a whole new light.  I was tired, and I didn't want to go to the gym today.  Now, I feel better, and am a happier person when I go, especially when he is gone.  I told him I didn't want to go.  He encouraged me to go, and I finally told him that I needed consequences for not going.  It was a moment of vulnerability for me.  I had put out there what I needed from him.  I waited to see what he would say.  He told me that it was a spankable offense and even more so since I had asked and he had asked that I go.  Then he said the most amazing thing. 
"Please don't make me have to give a punishment spanking my first day home." 

As I thought about that, (on my WAY  to the gym)  it hit me.  My consent is mine to give, my submission is a choice.  My choice, this life is not happening to me.  I have chosen to submit.  I may not like everything that happens (who does)  but this is a conscious decision that I have made for my betterment and the good of my husband and our marriage. 

I am not always comfortable with the desires of my heart, but My Man, he is always there, always listening, never goes to fast, even when I want to hurry.  And I find the walls that I so clung to, held onto, are no longer there.  I may build for a bit, but I find instead of protecting me these days, they get in my way of what I want, which quite simply is him.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Round and Round...

Have you ever had a time where your thoughts go round and round.  What your mind knows, what experience knows wars with what your heart feels?  It is a very uncomfortable thing.  It truly is.

The Man made a statement today that was very hurtful to me.  I wanted to defend myself and I did.  Now, he is very tired, not sleeping well, and there is a good bit of personal drama(not us, but touching us)  and we are apart.  He apologized, said he was tired, but then brought up something else.

The conversation made me feel like he feels I don't take care of the things he has provided for me.  I'm not a needy person.  I love the gifts he has given me and the home he has provided, and well I'm hurt.  There are many things I wanted to say.  Many things I want to bring to bear, but they are not productive and I feel would be hurtful, so I didn't.

Am I the only one that feels so not vindicated, or that there is a BIG but to this statement, "You take better care of my stuff than I do... most of the time."  I feel damned by faint praise. 

It was over something that was intended as a birthday present.  Something I have wanted for a long time, and now, I don't want it.  I'm getting it, and feel like the joy has been taken right out of it. 

I know this man loves me very much, he is human like me, this is not a normal thing.  It doesn't change that I am hurt.  I am in a quandary for what to do to make it better.  He made it pretty clear it was a closed subject.  I did however, ask that we not call it a birthday present.  Since he made mention of the fact that it was very pricey, I offered to simply return it.

I just really don't know what to do.