Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Dog ate... the Paddle....

Now, those of you who have been around with me a while know that I am a lover of good girl spankings, erotic spankings and stress relief spankings.  (Notice that punishment spankings were not in that lengthy list of yummy....)  Well, you all know that I have things to make right between The Man and I and the reckoning is pending.....

Everyone also knows that I bought a nifty little toy that was called the Hand Buddy.  Nice little square of leather that slips over the hand...  Nice thud, deep sting..  yeah...  Anywho..  I have this dog...  Love her, she's my sleeping pal, and well her only short coming is that anything, and I do mean anything leather is like a beacon to her.  She chewed the end of my rose paddle that I love so much when we first got her.

Now, imagine my surprise to come home today and find a very, VERY chewed up Hand Buddy in the living room floor. 

 My first thought was OMG, the kids saw that....  My second was, OMG she chewed my favorite toy.  My third and most important thought was... WHY oh WHY could she not have chewed up the punishment paddle if she was going to chew something.

I mean can't you just see it...  I'm sorry Sir, but the punishment paddle has met with an unfortunate demise... (imagine gleeful delight here)

Alas, it was not to be.  Of course, the punishment paddle is safely stored.  Go figure...

Monday, December 29, 2014

All Up In The Air...... Including my Bottom..

Dear Sir,

I know that I am not required to call you Sir but I do so out of respect, especially when I know we are in a punishment time.  Yes, I have had three weeks to think about the mistakes that I made.  I can honestly say I have not stressed about it.  Am I anxious?  Yes.  Am I looking forward to the punishment?  Not really.  Will I be glad for the reconnection?  Yes.

My concerns are different from times in the past when I knew that punishment was looming on the horizon.  In times past, my fear revolved around the pain.  That it would hurt more than I could stand.  Or that the PTSD monster would rear it's ugly head and make a mess of something meant to restore and reconnect.

This time, there is none of that.  This time, I am aware and totally agree that what I did was so very wrong on so many levels.  My heart longs to make amends and be free of the guilt that I feel.  I desire to reconnect the line that I broke with deceit and disrespect of you and our relationship.  In my heart, I feel like this warrants a very intense spanking and I fear that I won't be able to submit or that I will do something or say something that causes you not to provide me with the level of correction I feel is necessary to make this right in my heart and between us.

You are my heart and I love you so very much.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Either hide the paddles or me!!!

Well, folks...  No other way but to say it...  I have made a major mistake and then compounded it by hiding it.  I'm not sure just HOW many of the D's I have broken, but my first thought would be... a bunch!!

I don't do well with guilt.  It eats at me.  I am my own worst critic.  Long and short, I made a financial error, and then compounded it by not dealing with it for 4 months.  Yes, you read right.  Geez..  :)  Anywho..  I got my big girl panties on and dealt with it today.  Well most of it.  The big part of it. 

I thought long and hard about telling The Man.  My first thought was to wait till he gets home.  I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I waited till I fixed it to tell him.  Actually, I am just ashamed and embarrassed period.  That I did it and then that I hid it from him for months.

I am also embarrassed and shocked at how many women I talked to today that encouraged me to just hide it from him, never tell him.  I was so shocked and then shamed to realize, effectively I had done just that.  It seemed silly to say to them, that's not how we roll, when that is certainly how I rolled for 4 months.

I sent The Man an email, and simply explained the situation.  I fessed up, came clean, whatever you want to call it.  He was gracious and kind as always.  I am not getting a spanking for making the mistake, but I am getting one for hiding it from him willfully. 

So, I have three weeks to hide the paddles are get the heck outta dodge.... :)

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I Remember You

It has been a year Tuesday since you left this world behind.  You have been free from pain and won the fight of cancer, in a very different way than I would have liked. 

I am trying hard to wear the mantle you left for me in our family.  It's hard.  I still call your phone just to hear you voice on the message.  When things are hard and I need a friend, I still think that I need to talk to you.

I remember your laugh and how much joy you took in life and gave back.  I remember that you loved to play practical jokes and oh the parties we gave.

While I waited to see if Daddy was going to come out of his surgery, I felt you close to me, holding my heart as you always had. 

I know that as long as you are in my heart, part of you will remain, but I remember you.  I remember your love, your spirit, and I am better for it.

It has been almost a year since my Aunt died, and I miss her everyday.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Yup That's Me....

Yup!!  That's me.  Poking my head out after a rather scary week.  Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and prayers.  Those of you who sent me texts, sometimes later at night when you suspected I might be suffering from worry and fear...  You are the bestest!!!
We had some very scary moments over the last weekend and week.  There was a moment or two that I was not sure Daddy was going to make it, but God is good!!!  All the time.  Daddy made a miraculous turn around (doctor's words) and he was released from ICU on Thursday.  He is doing so amazingly well, that there is a possibility that he can come home on Monday, slim, but there none the less. 
The Man left on Wednesday as did my oldest son, who flew in on Friday.  Could I have done this by myself?  Yes, but you have no idea (well, maybe you do) how amazing it was to have The Man here.  Saturday Night, when I came home, so weary and scared to death and heart sick, he cuddled me up and said the most amazing thing.  He said, " Little Girl, I can't do a thing about what is going one with your Dad, but I can take care of you if you will let me.  When you need something, wake me and I will get it for you." 
Is he amazing or what?  My children have all rallied around not only my folks, but me.  My Pixie called me, and asked how things were, and I told her.  She said, "I am glad to know about my grands, but I was asking about my Mom.  I want to know how you are."  All of my sons gathered around, leaving notes on the white board telling me they love me.  My family is an amazing force.
So, today is Saturday, and well, I am taking the day off.  I talked with Daddy and he is good with me not going today.  I slept till 11am and I am going to read for a bit, and then think about laundry and my house.  After I think about it for a while, I may do something about it... :)

Thursday, October 23, 2014

What the Eyes can Say....

It has been a rough time at our house.  My Hero, My Staunchest Supporter, My Tormentor, My Rock, the first lap I ever climbed into for a story..  My Daddy had emergency open heart surgery today.  It has been a very scary 4 days.  From the heart cath. to the doctors figuring how best to complete the surgery and giving him the best chance to survive.
Today has been a very long day.  I hugged my Daddy and told him that I loved him with my whole heart.  I kissed him and told him to be strong and come back to me.  He smiled and promised.  And then, we waited, and waited, and waited.  A two hour surgery took 3 and a half, and then, the waiting to see him.  the phone calls telling others who love him well, how he is doing.
My larger than life, burly Irishman of a Daddy, looked so, well, small and fragile.  The part of me that will always be his little girl, wanted to run and hide or curl up and cry.  The woman he raised me to be, told him how strong he was and brave, and how much I loved him, and.... He opened his eyes.
I am so thankful for all who are praying for him and us.  He is a miracle.  Even the doctors are amazed and confounded at his ability to bring himself out of sedation.  He is trying to breathe on his own, and he wrote some things for Mom and I tonight.  He held my hand and motioned that he loved me.  The next days and weeks are going to be hard on him and us.  He has a rare blood disease that has damaged his lungs, so they can not give him the regular dose of pain medication for fear it will stop his breathing.  Therefore, they can only take the severe edge off.  It is excruciating to see him in pain.  I know they are doing what is best for him, but it's still so very hard.
This song sums up My Daddy and I.  Truly.  And just so you know, The Man has been the most amazing man on the planet.  Quiet, thoughtful, ever there, and finally last night spanked me.  Not because I had been bad, but because I needed the relief.  I love that Man you Know?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

All About Dat Bass...

As a kid growing up, I was never skinny.  I had curves.  I was much smaller than I am now, but still.  I was and am well blessed up top and have a "spankable ass".  yeah, The Man loves that. 
Anywho...  a song has come out.  It's a catchy tune.. I love it, and I so wish that girls of all sizes listened to it... every single night.. like a mantra... Are you ready?  Get your groove on girls...
I selected the one that has the lyrics.. cause well I think they are SUPER important.. and cute..
Now, if you are thin, please don't take offense.  This is more about accepting yourself for who you are..

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Let's Talk

Have you ever had a time in your life where many circumstances pointed to one epiphany?  (Hah..  my big word use for the day).  Well, I have had them from time to time and I feel the need to get it all down and out where I can look at it and see what other folks think.

Let me start by saying this.  I am many things.  I am strong, I am tough, I am kind, I am stubborn, I am a submissive wife, a loving mother, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse and assault.  There I typed it.  They don't look different from any of the other words, but oh the impact of just those few words at the end.

I have worked hard, and worked through many things.  The Man and I have worked together and we enjoy a very healthy, loving, hot relationship that is the most precious thing to us both. 

It has struck me very boldly this week that society at large has absolutely NO idea the long lasted impact this kind of abuse inflicts upon the victim.  How invasive and pervasive.  Some are bold, some are obvious, some are quiet and some not so obvious.

Things like the terror of going to the dentist because you are leaned back in a chair with a man standing over you with his crotch at eye level and he is prying your mouth open.  The struggle to stay in the present, to remember you aren't the little girl, to remember he is trying to help you.  The embarrassment of having to explain BEFORE you get there, what has happen (even in the vaguest of terms it's humiliating) in hopes of avoiding a full blown panic attack.  Or feeling bad for the tech and the dentist as tears silent slide from your eyes into your hair despite their every attempt at being kind.

Most all of that goes double for the gynecologist, female or not.  The being naked, vulnerable, miserable.  The nurse holding your hand while you cry, and your need to apologize over and over and explain it's not them.

Things like not being able to ride in an elevator for fear you are going to end up in one alone with a man, and it's just not worth the terror.

The sorrow of hitting the man you love as he wakes  you up from a nightmare and you fight like a she cat until his soft and gentle voice brings you back to reality.

The need to shut down, distance from the one who loves you must when you have to deal with things like the dentist because it's the only way to make it through it.

That certain smells make you sick and your stomach clinch no matter how hard you try.

I am fortunate.  Many of these rarely every happen to me anymore.  This lifestyle has done more for both of us.  It's not for everyone.  It makes me feel safe, cherished and loved.  The structure brings order and peace to my life.  Do we have to do things differently because of my PTSD.  Damn skippy.  Does it work for us?  Yes.

Society at large needs to understand that this is a life long struggle that is thrust upon those of us who made it through.  I am healthy, I am happy, and I am vigilant, and sometimes like today, I cry at the dentist.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Just Rambling...

I know its been a while since I posted.  The Man came home, and that was wonderful.  We are doing fine and for that I am very grateful.  I will warn you ahead of time, this post may hop around.  We are in the middle of a family BrewHaHa and it has been frankly a mess and I am trying to wrap my mind around how I feel, how I should feel, what to do and how to act, verses what I want to do and how I want to act.

One of our children is in the process of making decisions that at the least is going to negatively impact on his life at best and at worst have lasting consequences for the rest of it.  As parents, you never want your children to suffer.  We have tried our best to raise our children to be responsible, level headed individuals who keep their word and think before they act.  It is terrible to feel like I am standing on the sidewalk watching one of my kids walk in front of a bus, helpless to stop the wreck.

To complicate things, he has completely alienated us, told us that he knows what he is doing, and that we are not welcome.  He has divided the family sowing discord and expecting the siblings to take sides.  He has encouraged our youngest son to keep secrets from us.  He has been very disrespectful and hurtful to both myself and The Man.  In our eyes and the eyes of most other people, he has made a decision that has brought shame on his honor as a man.  That is so very hard for The Man.  Me as well, but especially my Sweetheart.

He has made these decisions alone and is going to have to accept the consequences of them alone.  I don't know where to temper with mercy.  I love my son as does The Man.  However, our son has chosen to walk a very difficult path and has departed from the training as parents we provided.  It has come out that he has been dishonest with us, his family, his friends, and not only one this.  I have humbly asked The Man to set the boundaries of our interaction with our son at this point and I will abide by them.  This is hard.  I don't want to see our son suffer, but I am not inclined to lift a finger to help him at this point.

His level of disrespect and disregard for us and our family is devastating.  I am so very hurt and I can be honest and say I don't do well with that.  I am a give everything I have to my children.  I have wrapped my life around them and this level of betrayal and hurt is just a really hard thing for me.  We love him.  We are embarrassed by his actions, as he is a reflection of our parenting. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I have not withdrawn my love, but I have withdrawn my presence and communication with him.  He has made it very clear that we and me especially are not acceptable at this time and he wants not interference from us.  He has no idea how being totally cut off from me that would mean.

I dread him coming home.  I fear his attitude.  I fear that his Dad will put him out for disrespect, yet I agree that he can not terrorize our home.  I dread that he will come  home when The Man is gone and I am going to have deal with this sullen man/child who is being disrespectful and wreaking havoc on our family.

The Man left to go back today.  Don't mind telling ya, it sucks to be the mom right now...

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

For the love of a Spanking...

Now for those of you who are Spankno's, you will probably have little to no interest in this post.  Unless it is to try to convince your HoH to try something different.
I have officially "come up for air."  I purchased something new in preparation for The Man's return.  If you have been reading my blog, you all know that I am a Spanko.  Even among those of us who enjoy spanking, there are different needs.  For me, the most wonderfully erotic sensation comes with what I call the "thud" of The Man's hand.  It's the deep pressure that I long for more than the sting.  Although I like the sting.. But I digress.
Anywho, I purchased something called the hand buddy from Cane-Iac. 
Leather SPANKING BUDDY  -  7" x 3 1/2"  - $14.99
This little thing is amazing.  It adds the thud that I need, without wearing The Man's hand out.  It is deliciously intense without going so far so fast that I can't handle it.  It has been a most amazing addition to our toy chest.  I never, ever thought I would find anything that I loved better than my rose paddle, but I have.  It's not for everyone, and variety is the spice of life.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Guess Who's Coming Home!!!!!

I have a few clues for you to follow....
He does love the cookies
Yeah.. I make him eat healthy
He always looks handsome
Some things are better than cookies....
Who would have thought?
YOU guessed it.. The Man is coming home tomorrow....

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Questions from a New Twist After All These Years...

So..  Meredith put together a questionnaire, and in the spirit of fun, (and waiting.. waiting for The Man to come home, I thought I would answer them..)  I always love to do these, as it helps me get insight into you guys out there..

Do your eyes light up when he comes to you?    Always!!!  And everyone at work knows when he hits land for the first time after being gone.  They tell me my whole face lights up and my voice goes all Girly...

What sports do you watch together?  NO..  we hate sports.  Well, he hates sports.  I like some sports.  When the Tarheels are playing especially in the Sweet Sixteen, The Man is kind enough to leave me the TV and the living room...

On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is lingerie when it usually ends up on the floor?  Ah...  in our world, it's very important.  The Man loves matching panties and bra.  He likes costumes, he likes slinky, he likes girly, and he loves it when I get something that makes me feel sexy.

Do you watch Netflix's House of Cards?  I started to and then it was too much like the drama at work and I lost interest.

What outdoor activity do you do together? We love to hike.  We love to visit waterfalls, the beach.  Yeah, the outdoors, it soothes me.

What is his dream vacation?  One where we are together.  New Orleans is our favorite place to go.

What is your dream vacation?  I love New Orleans.  I love the beach.  Right now, I am planning my dream vacation in that I have made arrangements for our entire family plus my folks to go on a vacation next June.  My Daddy has significant health issues and I want to do this for him.  Our entire family is building our vacation around what he wants to do.

What is your favorite book of all time?  Oh the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss.  I have read it to each of my children at their high school graduation parties.

What was your last argument about?  Taxes.

Are there any words you use that he does not like?  He doesn't like it when I curse.  There is no rule, but he doesn't think it's lady like, so I try very hard.  However....  WHATEVER....  is always a bad thing..

Do you have any restrictions about internet time?  No, we don't.  Our circumstance is different in that we use the net to communicate while he is gone.

Do you have a phobia?  LORD yes!!!  I am terrified of high places.

When do you melt into his arms?  When the day is hard, or when he has done something that shows me in a very special way that he loves me.

Are you watching Outlander?  Since I have no idea what you are talking about, I guess that is no.

Does your Hoh have a motto?  Not really, although he often tells me that being HoH makes him a better man, makes him want to be a better man.

What is your question for me?  What is your favorite dessert?

Sunday, August 17, 2014


Can you feel it?  Swirling, dancing, the flutters in your tummy?  The nervous energy?  No?  Hmmm.. Oh Wait...
As you may have guessed, The Man has gotten his tickets home and it is official!!  He will be home on Friday around 10:30pm.  God willing and the creek don't rise as we say in the South.  I am so excited.  I am so ready for him to be home and so is he.
So, I spent the day yesterday cleaning the house, cleaning the carpets, laundry, and the like.  I even had houseguests over.   I only have our room left and it's a doozy.  Things have been so busy that I have adopted the fire safety motto. 

Instead of a fire, it's stop, drop what's in my hands and roll on out the door.  Leaving something suspiciously like another natural disaster....
The Man says he doesn't care.  I somehow think he means it from over there...  However, up close and personal may be another matter.  Not to mention.  I simply can not entertain the thought of hot monkey sex in a messy room.  Sorry..  Just can't manage it.  I can just imagine it..  heat of the moment, head spinning, "Oh, that feels so ..... OMG...  look at the dust build up on the dresser!!!"  Yeah, no.  I was talking with my son yesterday and bless him...  he says, "Well mom, it's really not that bad, all the clothes are clean...  they just aren't, well you know.. they are everywhere."  So, that is my project for this evening and the rest of the week in the evenings.
Decisions.. Decisions.. What to wear, what to wear.  The Man loves skirts and I have a new one.  It's shorter than I normally wear, it's denim.. Yeah..  I just need to find the right shirt.. and there are the tough questions..  Panties or no panties?  Matching bra and panty set?  It's mind boggling.  Hair up or down? 
On the outside, I am poised, I am professional, I am busy, and I am waiting..  like the good wife/mother... yada.. yada.. but on the inside.. deep down.. where it counts...
Yep!!!!  That's me!!!
Did I mention we have a new toy?  It's called a hand buddy, and it looks really nifty.  It's leather.. as wood is NO good.  Anybody ever had one?