I hate Chaos. I really do. I hate it at home, I hate it in my family but most of all, I hate it inside myself. My emotions are jumbled. I sometimes think things are going so fast that I just catch glimpses of what they are. Have I mentioned that I don't appreciate emotional roller coasters? I don't like it when somebody kidnaps me and puts me on it, and I don't like finding myself on one of my own making. Does The Man spank me for discipline? Yes when needed, but more times than not, he spanks me because I need the release in order NOT to end up with a discipline spanking.
As I have written my sweet Aunt went home to be with Jesus. I have not really cried. More like releasing a pressure valve when it gets to be more than I can bear. I have come to the understanding, it is a genetic anomaly in our family. I have cried more at church because I feel the love of God there, and it's a healing balm to my battered soul.
I love to read. The Man bought me a kindle an Ohhhh how I love him for it. (really, really love, not like..) I have lost myself in books as it takes me somewhere other than where I am. Which leads me to some stirred up feelings. I love to read and I love to read books about TTWD. I came across one that offended my little person. Now as with many women, I brought this to my husband. He agreed and we struggled to find our way, but it was ALWAYS consensual. This book portrayed a marriage where the husband decided this is what needed to happen and then basically left her no choice.. I found my heart beating faster (and not in a good way) The author worked it around to where she finally agrees. There have been times that The Man and I have disagreed on how the spanking should be, or having to navigate the world of PTSD, but he has never made me. We went into this together. I was so very offended by this. True anxiety set in. My mind was spinning, and I had to put it down. I am concerned that women may find this book and think this is a true representation. It is also an indicator as to how raw my emotions are. Normally, I would have blown it off.
Worse than the chaos and upheaval is the numb feelings. The feeling of cotton in my head, walking through a fog. Of knowing that it's there, but I just can't find a way to access it.. I look at this chasm called grief and find myself walking away from it.
The Little Lady passed the baton of keeping the family connected to me. I am woefully underqualified. However, in an attempt to do this, I have deemed this Saturday Cookie Day. We will all converge upon my house and bake 10 different kinds of cookies. There will be 5 different cookie stations. I am going to bake a couple of them ahead of time so they can be decorating them while we cook.. I will have most of the dough made. I am making chili and a deli tray for lunch. We will have lots of children. If you have a fun, easy recipe for cookies, please leave it for me.