Monday, December 16, 2013

Thinking Spot

I hate Chaos.  I really do.  I hate it at home, I hate it in my family but most of all, I hate it inside myself.  My emotions are jumbled.  I sometimes think things are going so fast that I just catch glimpses of what they are.  Have I mentioned that I don't appreciate emotional roller coasters?  I don't like it when somebody kidnaps me and puts me on it, and I don't like finding myself on one of my own making.  Does The Man spank me for discipline?  Yes when needed, but more times than not, he spanks me because I need the release in order NOT to end up with a discipline spanking.

As I have written my sweet Aunt went home to be with Jesus.  I have not really cried.  More like releasing a pressure valve when it gets to be more than I can bear.  I have come to the understanding, it is a genetic anomaly in our family.  I have cried more at church because I feel the love of God there, and it's a healing balm to my battered soul. 

I love to read.  The Man  bought me a kindle an Ohhhh how I love him for it.  (really, really love, not like..)  I have lost myself in books as it takes me somewhere other than where I am.  Which leads me to some stirred up feelings.  I love to read and I love to read books about TTWD.  I came across one that offended my little person.  Now as with many women, I brought this to my husband.  He agreed and we struggled to find our way, but it was ALWAYS consensual.  This book portrayed a marriage where the husband decided this is what needed to happen and then basically left her no choice..  I found my heart beating faster (and not in a good way) The author worked it around to where she finally agrees.  There have been times that The Man and I have disagreed on how the spanking should be, or having to navigate the world of PTSD, but he has never made me.  We went into this together.  I was so very offended by this.  True anxiety set in.  My mind was spinning, and I had to put it down.  I am concerned that women may find this book and think this is a true representation.  It is also an indicator as to how raw my emotions are.  Normally, I would have blown it off.

Worse than the chaos and upheaval is the numb feelings. The feeling of cotton in my head, walking through a fog.  Of knowing that it's there, but I just can't find a way to access it..  I look at this chasm called grief and find myself walking away from it.

The Little Lady passed the baton of keeping the family connected to me.  I am woefully underqualified.  However, in an attempt to do this, I have deemed this Saturday Cookie Day.  We will all converge upon my house and bake 10 different kinds of cookies.  There will be 5 different cookie stations.  I am going to bake a couple of them ahead of time so they can be decorating them while we cook..  I will have most of the dough made.  I am making chili and a deli tray for lunch.  We will have lots of children.  If you have a fun, easy recipe for cookies, please leave it for me.

15 comments:

  1. Hi Dana,

    If it is of any help at all, I know two or three real life couples whose successful DD relationships started with a spontaneous spanking from an exasperated long term husband who finally reached the end of his tether. In each case, the men in question felt it was the only direction left in which to go and in each case they realised that this was a make or break point for the relationship. Also in each case, the wife's initial reaction was of complete shock and amazement, which gradually dawned into a slow realisation that they actually felt better and more close to their husbands than before. It wasn't until they came to this realisation of their own accord and in their own time that a full DD regime was mutually agreed upon.

    Although there's no doubt that such a beginning is a huge risk in all ways, provided that it is followed up by genuine understanding and acceptance, I do think that it can work pretty well for some couples. On the other hand, I have often been concerned by situations in which a woman who, for one reason or another, believes in male led, rather than egalitarian relationships, but for whom, perhaps because of childhood or previous relationship abuse, equates what we call "spanking" with beating and perceives it as an expression of dislike, contempt and a wish to deliberately hurt, feels she is obliged to accept it through duty despite its entirely negative associations. In those cases, while it may be applied in genuine love, there is acceptance, but no real consensus and it will probably do a great deal more harm than good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have no problem with the spontaneous, I've had it... It was the day after contract of this is what I expect from now on and I am going to spank you while he was making fun of her.. It was not well written, and I was not comfortable with how it played itself out.

      Delete
  2. Ah. That's different altogether. Of course I haven't read the book.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey sweet Dana...so sorry you are having such a rough time. Even though you know it's to be expected with the holidays, doesn't make it any easier.

    Re: the book...there are quite a few out there that 'bill' themselves as DD when in actuality, they are porn with spanking...and poorly written at that! Unfortunately, there is not much to be done except to leave a comment/rating.

    Here is an easy recipe that I posted on my blog during the cookie exchange for no bake cookies that you could make up after everyone arrives and let the children make:
    http://gigglesgrinsandreflections.blogspot.com/2013/12/great-online-cookie-exchange.html

    BTW...you know you can call me anytime you need to talk...please don't keep all this in.

    Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Girlfriend.. I am looking at the cookies.. The book didn't have sex, just a lot of what I felt like was bullying..

      Delete
  4. I've never read any ttwd books, but I've read some dd/ttwd things in the past that have left me feeling very uneasy. In this case, since it's a fiction book, maybe you'll feel better if you delete it from your kindle and spend some time focusing on all that's so very right within your own ttwd relationship:)

    As for the passing of the baton of family connection...those are some big shoes to fill for sure...but YOU'VE GOT THIS!!! Have fun, get messy, and eat too many cookies. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I felt like she was bullied.. ya know? And you are right.. Has nothing to do with us.. And I did what you said, pushed the delete and moved on.. and yeah.. cookies.. 10 kinds baby...

      Delete
  5. Your Cookie Day sounds really fun. Hope you all have a wonderful time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 10 kinds Sarah.. AND mints.. love it..

      Delete
  6. Aw Dana, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. The Kindle seems like a great idea to get your mind off of things and get lost in a good story. Hopefully you'll find a better one than the one that upset you.

    Cookie day also sounds like something to have fun with and get your mind off of other things. I hope you feel better soon!

    If you ever need a friend, shoot me an email. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am getting there Kenzie. Some days just really suck ya know? But we are making 10 yes.. 10 batches of cookies and 17 people will be at my house.. how cool is that..

      Delete
  7. Dana, having PTSD as well, I am sorry that this book was so upsetting to you. :( I have found a few to be also, and in talking to the Duke about them, he too was upset. I hope your baking goes well! :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks EsMay. I am stressed already so I think it affected me more than normal.

      Delete
  8. Little Girl,

    Focus on the family and your health, let the book go... There are probably many books, and worse, many blogs if you looked, would contrast starkly with what we believe and how we conduct ourselves. I love that your blog and so many others stand as a bright light to those who would like to know more about our lifestyle and who, like us, are trying to find a path that works for them. I love you and am proud of how you are holding up.
    -The Man

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sweetheart. You are right. I don't know why it bothered me so, but it did. I deleted it. I love that you are proud of me. I am trying really, really hard. I am so ready for you to come home.

      Delete