Monday, December 30, 2013

Some of the More Entertaining Moments from this Past Year

The Man and I are coming up on our 3 year anniversary into this adventure we all share in some form or fashion.  We will take New Years Eve to talk about this last year, set goals, and look at what's working and what's not.

That being said.... I thought I would highlight a few of the more entertaining moments from this past year.

1.  Let us all remember the time I broke my diet with a large M&M McFlurry which made me sick AND got a spanking...

2.  Or how about the time when I heard a statement flow out of my mouth that makes me shake my head when I read one of you have said it...  "YOU aren't the BOSS of me..."

3.  OR...  Oh Lord, I can't even believe I said it... "THAT didn't hurt."  (I know right?) 

4.  One of my favorites, right before getting spanked for smoking..
The Man:  I know you are sorry....
Me:  Not really.  I am sorry you are upset, but I would do it again under the same circumstances...

5.  Let us all remember my bright idea of purchasing not one but TWO wooden paddles for him to try out...  on me.....  Yeah I deserved what I got for sheer stupidity.. NOT my finer moment.

I hope that everyone has had a wonderful holiday.  Everyone at my house is eating cookies as fast as they can because they know that the "program" is about to be a way of life again...  And we all know, there are NO cookies and NO chips on the program....

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Cookie Day Success!!!

Today was a TOTAL success.  A total of 26 people were at my house today to bake cookies and visit.  I started making cookie dough last night and baking some.  A total of 17 batches of cookies were baked last night and today.  5 dozen were decorated by the kiddos.  I sent out 6 large containers of cookies with families to take home. 

My feet are killing me, my back aches, and I have never been more pleased with a family gathering at my house.  It was so good.  We talked, we laughed, we baked, we decorated, the children had their own decorating table and I simply put the icing, sprinkles, sugar crystals, candies and supplies and let them have at it.  No need to be upset, no need to not make a mess.  That was their table.  Everyone got along, and shared, and it was so awesome.  There were 8 children total. 

It was a wonderful day.  I made a huge 6 quart crock pot of chili, and provided sandwiches and chips.  The chili is gone and many compliments were given.  I am so grateful that The Man has provided a home for me that fits that many people comfortably.  The children even got to watch Christmas shows for a bit.

You know the most awesome thing?  My family and friends cleaned my kitchen.  I was not left with cleaning up a mess.  Dishes were washed, counters wiped down, and pans and cookie sheets were put away.  Everyone was so thrilled and we were a happy family today.  We laughed and shared and smiled and were able to mention the Little Lady with joy and only a tinge of sorrow that she is not with us anymore. 

The Man sent me this text after I told him how well everything went.
The Man:  I am proud of you too.  I know your Aunt would have been.

It is quiet in my house now as I sit and write this.  I can feel her in my heart and that is a good thing.  As long as she is in my heart, she will live on as long as I share her.  And now in some small way, she lives on here, because I have shared her with you.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Thinking Spot

I hate Chaos.  I really do.  I hate it at home, I hate it in my family but most of all, I hate it inside myself.  My emotions are jumbled.  I sometimes think things are going so fast that I just catch glimpses of what they are.  Have I mentioned that I don't appreciate emotional roller coasters?  I don't like it when somebody kidnaps me and puts me on it, and I don't like finding myself on one of my own making.  Does The Man spank me for discipline?  Yes when needed, but more times than not, he spanks me because I need the release in order NOT to end up with a discipline spanking.

As I have written my sweet Aunt went home to be with Jesus.  I have not really cried.  More like releasing a pressure valve when it gets to be more than I can bear.  I have come to the understanding, it is a genetic anomaly in our family.  I have cried more at church because I feel the love of God there, and it's a healing balm to my battered soul. 

I love to read.  The Man  bought me a kindle an Ohhhh how I love him for it.  (really, really love, not like..)  I have lost myself in books as it takes me somewhere other than where I am.  Which leads me to some stirred up feelings.  I love to read and I love to read books about TTWD.  I came across one that offended my little person.  Now as with many women, I brought this to my husband.  He agreed and we struggled to find our way, but it was ALWAYS consensual.  This book portrayed a marriage where the husband decided this is what needed to happen and then basically left her no choice..  I found my heart beating faster (and not in a good way) The author worked it around to where she finally agrees.  There have been times that The Man and I have disagreed on how the spanking should be, or having to navigate the world of PTSD, but he has never made me.  We went into this together.  I was so very offended by this.  True anxiety set in.  My mind was spinning, and I had to put it down.  I am concerned that women may find this book and think this is a true representation.  It is also an indicator as to how raw my emotions are.  Normally, I would have blown it off.

Worse than the chaos and upheaval is the numb feelings. The feeling of cotton in my head, walking through a fog.  Of knowing that it's there, but I just can't find a way to access it..  I look at this chasm called grief and find myself walking away from it.

The Little Lady passed the baton of keeping the family connected to me.  I am woefully underqualified.  However, in an attempt to do this, I have deemed this Saturday Cookie Day.  We will all converge upon my house and bake 10 different kinds of cookies.  There will be 5 different cookie stations.  I am going to bake a couple of them ahead of time so they can be decorating them while we cook..  I will have most of the dough made.  I am making chili and a deli tray for lunch.  We will have lots of children.  If you have a fun, easy recipe for cookies, please leave it for me.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Well Now, That's a First

After my last post, The Man sent me an email to help me put one foot in front of the other.  So, I've been at it about a week now.  So, imagine my surprise to find a message from him requesting that I update my Blog and let folks know how I am doing.  His last statement was He couldn't have my friends in Blogland worrying about me.  That being said, I thought I would put his email here, and how things are working out with it. 

little girl,

I know you are struggling. I am writing this in order to help you manage until I come home.

I want you to know that I love you so very much, and I am sorry that I cannot be there for you.  Until I can be, I am giving you this list to help. I expect you to give it your very best effort, I also want you to know that you may discuss it with me any time if you feel it isn't what you need.  This is not meant to be an ultimatum or written in stone. It is not meant to make your life harder.

-First, you are to exercise at least 4 times a week. If Dr. B does not clear you for Zumba and Synergy, then use you DVD's, or use the Gym's treadmills etc. Go for a walk if the weather permits.
(I made three times this week.)

-Second, you are to go to the health food store TODAY and get some ST. John's Wort, by itself, or in a uplift sort of formula. Also, consider finding a place to tan. I know you've had trouble with a few places. If there is one suitable, join. If a vitamin D supplement will help, get one.
(I did this that same day.  It is helping a lot.)

3. You function best when the house is clean. Tell K you need her help between now and Christmas and ask her to assist you in taking up the slack while the boys are busy with their various activities, which will probably only increase between now and Christmas. I will leave it up to you whether she is paid and how much. If you would rather, I will ask her.
(I haven't done this yet, my house is okay for the moment, but I know I am to do this if it gets to be too much)

4. Make every effort to attend church on Sunday morning your soul needs feeding. You also need time to mourn, I would encourage you to take time Wednesday evenings and Sunday evenings when you can be alone. I know mourning is not something you usually plan, but if you do not make some "down" time, it will only eat you up. Make Wednesday evening and Sunday evening planned downtime. (I am trying to do this and I will attend church tomorrow.  Grief comes at the most unexpected moments.)

5. Do not worry about M and my parents. I am not changing my position. I have made it clear and will continue to make it clear, that he cannot come here. When/if he comes to North Carolina to visit his fiance's family, I will go to see him. It will be uncomfortable, I may have to have some rough conversations with in-laws. I will handle it though, and keep it away from our house as much as possible. It is not on you to bear this. If anything comes to you, defer it to me and be done with it. There are thousands of "what if's" in this situation. Please do not to dwell on them. Also know I have gone through many of them in my mind and have tried to prepare myself as best as possible. None of this needs to fall on your shoulders. None of it is urgent. (I just needed to be reassured that he has this and that I don't need to worry about it.)

6. There is nothing we can do about your Mom's condition except be supportive and encouraging. I know you will make yourself available to you parents as much as needed.  I know it is going to be stressful.  Would it be possible (and a good idea) to have her hospitalized while they are changing her medicine? I want to help you with this stress, but I am out of my league, as I have been every other time. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. You can call or text any time. Even if you think I am asleep. If I am near wifi, I will get it and see what I can do. Even if it is just a few minutes of hearing my voice. (Called the psychiatrist and expressed my concerns, he intervened and convinced her to go back on her medication and not change.)

7. Invite B and C over next weekend or the weekend after. Keep the fare simple. Visit and remember Aunt G. Use our house for the fellowship you dreamed of when you purchased it.( We have been in contact, everyone has been sick.  I did however go out with my daughter and some friends for a girls  night and spent some time talking about my Aunt)

8.  The last thing I have for you is about Christmas. Its not so much an instruction as an idea for you to think on.  How about sitting the boys, K and C down and telling them how you feel, and what you are struggling with. I can be there on the computer, using our laptops cameras. Also acknowledge it may be M2's last Christmas at home for a while and we want it to be a good one, money is tighter than we're used to, but everyone will certainly have something nice, and Dad is trying real hard to make sure that the xbox will be here on time. No promises. Mom is exhausted, Meme may or may not be in good shape. Let's all agree to combine gifts and perhaps offer gifts of service. And lets everyone either agree to pick up some of the work, or agree to simplify some of our traditions...
(Last night was the first time I have felt like doing anything for Christmas.  I am coming out of it.)

I love you little girl. I hope this helps.
You text any time you need me. I'm telling, not asking. I will try my best to be in places I can respond.
Love Master

The fact that he read my blog and took the time to think things through, that he knows me as well as he does, that he wanted to help me, and it wasn't things there is no way I could do, made me feel so loved.  He wasn't kidding, he has seen to it, that I can text him at any time.  It humbles me.

Am I still grieving?  Yes, but the things he has given to me, has helped put some structure back.  I hated having to admit that I was floundering and didn't even know where to start, but there you have it.