I know what I get out of this relationship we have. It has been a very interesting journey. A sweet one, a hard one, a painful one, and a strong one.
This last week was so very difficult for both of us. I spent the week mediating between my family, unable to grieve the loss of my aunt and doing without my husband until I came home ready to collapse. You see, I can't hold it all together when The Man is offering me comfort and kindness. I can't wall it up, shut it down and remain the calm, rational being that was needed. He gets it. He doesn't like it, but he gets it. So, I would come home and fall apart. He would hold me, talk to me, and then I would fall asleep.
Not everyone understands that The Man gets me. He gets that the morning before the funeral, I didn't need snuggled, cuddled or pampered. I needed relief. I need a way to release some of the stress and grief, so he spanked me. It was not long, it was not hard, but it was what I needed. He then understood, that I needed to please him.
But Sunday, well he knew.. We arranged time alone ( a precious commodity around here) and he spanked me. He spanked, me long, he spanked me hard, he spanked me some more, all the time, calmly talking to me, and feeling the muscles in my back to feel the tension leaving with every swat. It was a hard, intense spanking. He doesn't like those. He doesn't like that I need those, but he understands and as my HoH, he is committed to giving me what I need. I knew in my heart that he didn't want to give me the last round that he did. It was hard, and so very needed. My heart broke just a little when I heard his soft voice saying, "You need more don't you little girl.." As I shook my head yes, I felt him steel his resolve and give me what I needed. It was a very precious gift. And the dance... Our Dance, oh my.... I can't remember the last time I felt so cherished and wanted and loved. My heart was tender and hurting and he loved me so well.
It must be difficult for him. I often find myself apologizing for needing what I need sometimes. I don't understand it. I don't guess I ever will, I just know it works. The last round left me with very loose muscles and he hummed in approval as he ran his hands down my back, touching all the muscles that had been knotted. He knows and understands. I think it breaks his heart a little when I am so overwhelmed and overwrought, when my feelings are riding me so hard that it takes this kind of spanking to unravel me, to open myself to him, to let the walls fall down again.
Are we the only ones that struggle like this? I wonder..