Saturday, November 30, 2013

A Little Lost..

I am a little lost.  I have spent my life working in the mental health field.  Clinically, I know what is going on.  Isn't that awesome?  I will tell you it does little to alleviate it at all.

I am a go getter.  I am a worker bee.  I don't let things get me down.  I am a fighter.  Just not right now.  The holidays are approaching, and I just can't want to.  I just can't seem to want to get out of bed.  It seems to be the hardest thing to do.  I don't want to cook, clean my house, go to work, work out, be human.  I want to cover my head with the covers and hope for a better time.

I know what the issues are....  The first year of my Grandmother's death is approaching (Christmas Day), my aunt whom I loved so very much just passed, my son is graduating from high school and will be leaving my home this summer, there are significant issues with The Man's oldest son and his parents, my mother's medication for bipolar is going to have to be changed,  and I can't seem to find it to get up and go. 

I am floundering.  this is not a good feeling for me.  I am spinning and my little world is spinning right along with me. I don't even know what to ask of The man.  He is gone, he is working, so it's up to me.  I want to ask him to help me through this muddle.  To help me get back on track.  To do something, anything to stop this whirlwind I find myself in. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I Often Wonder

I know what I get out of this relationship we have.  It has been a very interesting journey.  A sweet one, a hard one, a painful one, and a strong one. 

This last week was so very difficult for both of us.  I spent the week mediating between my family, unable to grieve the loss of my aunt and doing without my husband until I came home ready to collapse.  You see, I can't hold it all together when The Man is offering me comfort and kindness.  I can't wall it up, shut it down and remain the calm, rational being that was needed.  He gets it.  He doesn't like it, but he gets it.  So, I would come home and fall apart.  He would hold me, talk to me, and then I would fall asleep.

Not everyone understands that The Man gets me.  He gets that the morning before the funeral, I didn't need snuggled, cuddled or pampered.  I needed relief.  I need a way to release some of the stress and grief, so he spanked me.  It was not long, it was not hard, but it was what I needed.  He then understood, that I needed to please him.

But Sunday, well he knew..  We arranged time alone ( a precious commodity around here) and he spanked me.  He spanked, me long, he spanked me hard, he spanked me some more, all the time, calmly talking to me, and feeling the muscles in my back to feel the tension leaving with every swat.  It was a hard, intense spanking.  He doesn't like those.  He doesn't like that I need those, but he understands and as my HoH, he is committed to giving me what I need.  I knew in my heart that he didn't want to give me the last round that he did.  It was hard, and so very needed.  My heart broke just a little when I heard his soft voice saying, "You need more don't you little girl.."  As I shook my head yes, I felt him steel his resolve and give me what I needed.  It was a very precious gift.  And the dance...  Our Dance, oh my....  I can't remember the last time I felt so cherished and wanted and loved.  My heart was tender and hurting and he loved me so well.

It must be difficult for him.  I often find myself apologizing for needing what I need sometimes.  I don't understand it.  I don't guess I ever will, I just know it works.  The last round left me with very loose muscles and he hummed in approval as he ran his hands down my back, touching all the muscles that had been knotted.  He knows and understands.  I think it breaks his heart a little when I am so overwhelmed and overwrought, when my feelings are riding me so hard that it takes this kind of spanking to unravel me, to open myself to him, to let the walls fall down again.

Are we the only ones that struggle like this?  I wonder..

Monday, November 18, 2013

And THAT is what I love about the South....

Hi Guys!!!  I know it's been a while.  Life has been past busy.  The Man and I have just kinda  jumped in the foxhole and hung tight to one another. 

It is with great sadness that My Aunt whom I love dearly went home to be with Jesus today.  She was good, she was kind, she was my friend and I will miss her with all my heart.  That being said, the following are time honored truths from those of us who live in the South.

1.  Family gathers round.  Family does whatever they can do. (Yeah, we often talk about who's not there while we are gathering for support.)

2.  Food is the ultimate comfort and sign of respect.  A perfect example of this, within 30 minutes of returning to the home of my Aunt the first complete meal arrived.  Within 2 hours, 3 complete meals with 5 desserts had arrived.

3.  There is that one who you know if YOU call, the REST of the family will know within 30 minutes. (I think she made it in 25 today.)

4.  There is always someone in the family who has been in training to step into the shoes of the one who has passed.  (I will try my best, but hers were very big shoes to fill, and mostly I just wish she were here to keep her place.)

5.  And finally, There is NOTHING like a wedding or a funeral to make people act a fool.  My family is no exception.

As I watched my cousin throw the most GAWD awful fit I have ever seen in less than 2 hours after the death of her mother, to the place I had to intervene, my first thought was, "Where is her husband and WHY is he not doing something?"  My second was, where is a paddle when you need one, and my third was.... "Oh Man, if I EVER, EVER, The Man would have drug me out of the house, blistering my bottom all the way to the car."  I watched herself conduct herself in such a manner that was disrespectful to her mother, her husband, and La Familia.   I don't ever, ever want someone to be able to say that about me.  I am so glad that The Man loves me enough to never, ever let me get this out of control. 

In the face of that, let me say this to my Aunt.  You were the most amazing, courageous woman I have ever known.  Godspeed little lady.  I love you.