Sunday, October 6, 2013

What Are You Hiding From Me?

What are you hiding from me?  They look like very simple words don't they?  Not anything to cause your heart to flutter and your bottom to clinch...  Well, unless you are living the life we are living and walking the walk... 

What are you hiding...  I have come to you with the sorrow in my heart that my Aunt who is like my sister is in her last days.  The sorrow of her not knowing who I am.  The joy when she comes back to us in snatches, and the sadness to see in her eyes that she knows she is at the end.  The promise I made in my heart to be there for her daughter as she has been there for me.

What are you hiding...I have come to you about work, and the zoo, and the betrayal I feel.  The feeling that I have poured my heart and soul into people who could care less and that I am just an employee was heart breaking, and sent my blood pressure to stroke level, but I told you.  I took care of myself, and I was honest with you. 

What are you hiding...  I have hinted at the struggles I am having as I look down the short future and realize that soon, all our children will be gone.  What will I do then?  I have been a Mommy since I was 23.  I am now 46.  The future looks very lonely.

What are you hiding...  I have stopped and started conversations about how the dynamics in our relationship continue to change and I am so comforted that you never seem shocked or look at me like I've grown 3 heads..

What are you hiding...  I have been honest about my fears and my feelings that  you are going to visit your parents.  It always causes such stress between us.  It is difficult for me that my husband is someplace that I am not welcome to be.

What are you hiding...  Life is changing and it seems like it is changing quickly.  People that I love fiercely are getting older, more frail, are passing away.  I am getting older.  I don't feel old, but I do feel lost.  I am at a "what now" place in my life.  I am discouraged with my lack of ability to get the last bit of weight I want off. 

I am concerned that I can't seem to handle the extreme levels of stress that I used to be able to.  My body simply can't take it.  I am better today, but I can no longer just go and go and go without consequence.  It's a bitch getting older...  I don't want to talk about it.  This one time, my job is part of the problem.  I am not ready to quit just yet.  I don't feel released to leave, but I do want to be able to in the right way, so that means getting caught up. 

I just can't handle ultimatums, disappointment, or strife between us.  Yes, the stars have aligned and several things have piled up at one time, and well I'm not handling it as well as I would like and I don't want to feel like a failure to my husband.


8 comments:

  1. Oh when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? I'm so sorry about your aunt and the issues at work and all the stress that's causing you.

    As for the rest...change is always hard, but your future can hold great adventure too. Who knows what's down the road for you and the man? Whatever it is, the two of you will discover it together.

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    1. Thanks Tess, you are always such an encouragement. Have I mentioned that I really suck at change?

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  2. Dana my friend - you need a big hug. You really poured your heart out here and it's so hard (for me) to know how to help you or encourage you without starting with a hug. But I hope that this was cathartic for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or comfort you, I would gladly do it.

    You are not a failure to your husband - you are only human, and he knows what you need to see you through the tough times. That's his role and that's what he needs to do. We look after each other in marriage, and just as you wouldn't hesitate to give him what he'd need most in a dark time, he feels that way about you. Let him. Lean on him. And feel better.

    Hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks so much Cali. It's been a really foul month. It just seems so overwhelming sometimes.

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  3. Sweet Dana...There is absolutely NO WAY that you could evern be a disappointment to the Man. Dang woman...you are handling so much and you are doing it with such grace and humor...I am truly in awe of you.

    Remember...I am here if you need to talk.

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. You are and ever will be my friend...Thanks!!

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  4. Change is super hard, but then add lots of change at once and it's a nightmare. It sounds like you have lots of change at once to deal with. So sorry. I know when I have stress/change at home and at work it feels horrible not to have some stability...But then I realize he (my forever stability) is right next to me and all I need is to turn into his arms for a bit. I bet your husband is right there for you too... :0) lean on him until you feel more settled. Hang in there... :0)

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    1. Thanks Irish.. You are right. He is right here, and he has been my rock.

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