As is my way, I have to process things. It brews in my mind, I examine it from every angle, take it apart, play it out in my mind, consider the pros and cons (okay I worry it to death, geez).
The Man and I have come so far in the last two years. It is amazing. There is more harmony, joy and affection between us, I feel more safe and secure than any other time in my life, and the air of confidence and pride that is obvious in him humbles me.
It's me I struggle with. My feelings, my fears, my insecurities. I don't want to lose me. My desire to please, to be submissive to him is a driving force in me that is true. I don't want to be a door mat. I want my opinion to matter. I love feeling cherished and taken care of, but don't ever want to be treated like I am incompetent.
I struggle with whether or not I have the right to lose my temper. I am human, things aggravate me. Things that are done over and over and over again. I know in my household of ADD, ADHD, and Autism that none of them intentionally do the things that drive me up the wall, but man... Some days, it's just the last straw for something not to be put back where it belongs in my kitchen. So how do I lose my temper without getting a spanking? And if I hold it in am I not being dishonest? And if I do hold it in, then I am just seething inside.
How do I come to terms with what feels like two people living inside me? I am a strong woman. Professional, mother, daughter, Christian believer, best friend on the one hand. On the other hand, I have desires that are certainly on the kinky side to say the least. I work hard, and play hard. I am an intensely private person. I was raised with a very.. well repressed is a good word.. mother. I don't fear The Man. I fear my own feelings, and desires. I shy away from the things that I long for, yet return to them..
The thought occurred to me last night. In this vast Blogland, I can NOT be the only one that struggles with or has. We are all different and lead our lives differently, yet we have things in common. How have you guys handled things like this?