Friday, August 23, 2013

Hellooo!! Am I the only one?

As is my way, I have to process things.  It brews in my mind, I examine it from every angle, take it apart, play it out in my mind, consider the pros and cons (okay I worry it to death, geez).

The Man and I have come so far in the last two years.  It is amazing.  There is more harmony, joy and affection between us, I feel more safe and secure than any other time in my life, and the air of confidence and pride that is obvious in him humbles me.

It's me I struggle with.  My feelings, my fears, my insecurities.  I don't want to lose me.  My desire to please, to be submissive to him is a driving force in me that is true.  I don't want to be a door mat.  I want my opinion to matter.  I love feeling cherished and taken care of, but don't ever want to be treated like I am incompetent.

I struggle with whether or not I have the right to lose my temper.  I am human, things aggravate me.  Things that are done over and over and over again.  I know in my household of ADD, ADHD, and Autism that none of them intentionally do the things that drive me up the wall, but man... Some days, it's just the last straw for something not to be put back where it belongs in my kitchen.  So how do I lose my temper without getting a spanking?  And if I hold it in am I not being dishonest?  And if I do hold it in, then I am just seething inside.

How do I come to terms with what feels like two people living inside me?  I am a strong woman.  Professional, mother, daughter, Christian believer, best friend on the one hand.  On the other hand, I have desires that are certainly on the kinky side to say the least.  I work hard, and play hard.  I am an intensely private person.  I was raised with a very.. well repressed is a good word.. mother.  I  don't fear The Man.  I fear my own feelings, and desires.  I shy away from the things that I long for, yet return to them.. 

The thought occurred to me last night.  In this vast Blogland, I can NOT be the only one that struggles with or has.  We are all different and lead our lives differently, yet we have things in common.  How have you guys handled things like this?

10 comments:

  1. Hey Dana...I definitely have a temper and have never been afraid to use it...hmmm...imagine that. ;)

    Matthew and I discussed what 'he' considered acceptable behavior once we started getting serious with one another. I told him at that time that I had a temper and know how to use it but I would not name call, attempt to humiliate or throw past behavior at him. He basically said that we were both human and there were times when each of us may show our tempers...key word was 'show' not 'lose'. In other words...there is nothing wrong with letting people know that you are angry but there is with letting that angry control and hurt. Does this make sense?

    You are a strong woman who desires to partner with a strong man and let him lead your dance...not a darn thing wrong with that. Ya both can't lead now can ya.

    Now...who's to say what is kinky, hinky or wrong? You and the Man are two consenting adults...whatever makes both of you happy...go for it! If you bring ideas to him and he's open to them...go for it! If he brings ideas to you and you're open to them...go for it!

    BTW...the longer y'all are together, the more each of you will find ideas and/or things to add and/or subtract from your dance. Just keeps it interesting. :D

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. I just struggle with well, being me..

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  2. I struggle with this too. Not long ago I wasn't sure I should ask He-Man to take out the trash. Like I couldn't ask for his help.
    I also don't want to be a door mat, but I want to be respectful to Him. I struggle with the balance. And like you, I have a temper. Oh boy do I have a temper. That is a constant struggle for me. Of course we are just in the beginning, still tiring to decide what song we are going to dance to.
    Sorry I can't be of any help. I do agree with Cat, thou. You gotta be you, in a respectful to Him way. It's that balance. Have you talked with Him about it? What are his thoughts?

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    1. Sarah,

      It's the balance that is hard to find is it not? He says he has no interest in a door mat either. He always wants to hear my feelings. It's my feelings that I struggle with.

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  3. No you are positively not "the only one" because, although of course there are exceptions, this is very much a woman thing. Men (even male TIHs, will generally take the "we've talked about this and we can't solve it, so let's draw a line under this and move on" stance. Unfortunately, what they often don't understand is that most women don't process that way and not talking about something doesn't mean that it isn't still constantly on our minds. Women need to work things through, analyse them and weigh up all the pros and cons before they find closure and they can't just flip a switch at will and turn things off.

    Rosalind

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    1. Oh that is so true, I have to work all the way through it. It's not easy... I can't just turn off my mind. Yet how do I work through the process and still keep my cool? That is the question

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  4. Gosh Dana,

    Definitely you are not the only one here, lol. I'm so glad you wrote this post. I identified with all of it - and I've loved the good insights and advice you have already received.

    So I'm right here with you, and if I learn anything that might be helpful, I'll share - and if YOU learn anything that helps, you can share, ok?

    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. You bet Cali. I gotta say... It helps to know that I'm not alone ya Know?

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  5. Dana, great questions, and I know that your husband would not want you becoming a door mat either. For the Duke and I, it isn't about whether I lose my temper or not, it's what I do when it happens. I'm allowed to vent my frustrations, I'm allowed to close doors with a bit more "umph", I'm allowed to have an edge to my voice and an increase in volume, and I can have my arms fly about as I try to make a point. However, I can NOT scream, I can NOT slam doors, I cannot fist my hand and punch things, put the Duke down, swear, or say things that are not true {over exaggerations and such} and I cannot bring things up from the past that have no bearing on the current situation, and I am not allowed to put myself down or call myself names. But the Duke is very respectful of letting me vent when I need to. At first I thought he wasn't being man enough to step up, but now I see how closely he keeps an eye on me when I do get upset, I think if I started to cross the line, he'd put a stop to it, and quick. Not sure if any of these will help you... but they are working great for us, and I'm sure you'll find your own equation that works best for you two as well. :)

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    1. Es May,

      Thanks! I hear what you are saying. Often when I get angry which isn't often... I throw a fit. I know this isn't okay.

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