Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Go Big or Go Home!!!!

I gotta tell ya.  It's been a tough day.  I feel like my son when he was in 1st grade and he was asked how many rules he had broken that day and he said, "Pretty much all of them Mom."

What I did was not intentional.  It was not out of rebellion and I think maybe that makes it so much worse.  Those of you have read my blog regularly know that my daughter has a form of high functioning autism/ and bipolar.  There are many of us in blogland who have children with challenges.  It's heart breaking.  She is spiraling right now.  Her level of depression is the worst I have seen in quite some time.  I have watched the downslide feeling helpless to ease the fall.  I have known for several days that it was this bad.  I didn't tell The Man.  When she gets this way, the only thing I can think of is to protect her from everyone because see, I can't protect her from herself. 

We ended up in a very stressful discussion last night over her, and I panicked.  I struck out.  I tried to put it off on me that I wanted to wait for him to make the decisions was wanting to make instead of just telling him that she is spiraling and can't handle anything else.  I tried to make it his problem, or mine, or anyone but hers. 

I had to tell him this morning how bad things are.  He immediately adjusted his decisions, we came up with a plan together.  I knew what I had to do.  I told him that I was sorry and thanked him for changing his mind.  I knew that I had totally crossed the line.  The texts went like this:

Me:  Yes, Thank you for understanding about_______
The Man:  You'll notice that when I have all the facts, I make better decisions.
Me:  I know I am in trouble and it's deserved.  I need to remember that I don't need to protect her from you.

We talked on the phone later in the day.  He reminded me that I needed to learn in my heart that he was not her enemy.  That broke my heart, cause it let me know that he wasn't angry, or frustrated.  I had hurt him.  I asked how much trouble I was in and he said we would discuss it when he gets home that he wants me to relax.

The guilt I feel is terrible.  A fight is one thing, but to know that I have hurt him, let him down, made him feel less than, just about kills me.  he is gone and will be gone till the 7th.  In one fell swoop I managed to be dishonest, disrespectful, dangerous, and distance and all when I didn't intend to.  I just needed to protect, to fix, to shield.  I am not making excuses, because there are none.  The heaviness in my heart is much, much worse, than a spanking.  I deserve it, and a large part of me needs to make amends, and to clear the air so I can let go of this guilt.

18 comments:

  1. I am sorry for your pain. Can I ask......we're you maybe also protecting him from her? I have caught myself shielding my husband before from stressful situations that I know he can do nothing about and he is already under stress from work. Since he was leaving.....do you think maybe that was part of it?
    All of my best to you,
    Blue Bird

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    1. I wish I could say that Blue Bird. There have been times I have done this, but no, not this time. I just wanted to protect her.

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  2. I'm so sorry. Our instinct to protect can be blind sometimes... (hugs)

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    1. That is so true. the need is overwhelming, and that is okay with everyone but him...

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  3. Dana
    It is truly hard being a parent. The nappies and no sleep when they are babies is the easy bit.

    I have found myself shielding my son from my husband many times, so I know how you feel and how you got there. I also know that I don't need to do it and I know how bad it makes him feel.

    That protective mum instinct is very hard to override sometimes though.

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    1. Yes it is. Especially when we had to struggle to get her help and for the longest time everyone told me she was just a rebellious teenager.

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  4. Sweet Dana...Yes you hurt the Man in your desire to protect your daughter but I'm betting he has already forgiven you. He will help you deal with your guilt when he gets home...until then, focus on your love for him and not your guilt.

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts for you, the Man and your daughter.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. As always, your friendship and support are so appreciated. The Man loves me, and I am forgiven.

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  5. I think that the instinct can be to close ranks, form a circle of protection and try to close out the world. Only, to use trite but true explanation,

    There's safety in numbers

    A burden shared is a burden halved

    Two heads are better than one

    and, if this happens to be your particular thing,

    The family that prays together stays together.

    Like Cat, I'm sure that, despite the fact that you shut the Man out, he'll have recognised your actions as something you thought you were doing for your daughter, rather than something you were doing against him.

    Rosalind



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    1. Ros,

      He said as much. He also said, you are forgiven Sweetheart. He is good and faithful and kind..

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  6. It must be in the air, I have been in trouble this week for "not trusting his decisions" and other related topics. I can TOTALLY understand your reasoning though. I'm a protective mama, and with special needs children, there is usually one "primary" person who really gets them, is very in tune, and is the first to "see".

    If you are that person, it puts you in a position of not completely trusting ANY OTHER human who is not YOU. Its just the way it is, I believe.

    You did well to confess it, to recognize it, but he also needs to realize its like breathing...and you are doing your best.

    ((((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Stormy. You are right. I was and am the primary "go to person". He was very gentle in his forgiveness. I don't think that is going to save my backside and truth be told, I don't want it to. Disagreements are one thing, being angry another, but I hurt him, and that I never want to do.

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  7. I admire the woman who can live this lifestyle while raising children. I don't think I would have been willing or able. I was a very protective mother. I think, because of my upbringing, and the relationship that I had with my father, would have made it next to impossible. Now if we had started it in the beginning of our marriage then it might would have worked, who knows. I'm so sorry that you have the struggles that you do. I don't have a special needs child, but I worked with them for 23 years. Many that I cared for, I did for 21 of those 23. I know that is far from the same, but I just want you to know that I know what it's like to love and want to protect a person or child, that can't do it for themselves. I know how valuable they are, and how they have as much purpose in life as any of us. I know what it is to love and be loved by one who needs love as much as we all do. It is a tall order to be a mom, and even a bigger one to be the mom of a special needs child. God bless you, as you do the things you do to make her life better. I'm sure your husband sees your love and need to protect. If he's the kind of man that you are portraying him to be, then I'm sure he will only do what you need him to, for your sake, not his. God bless you and all you love, -Belle L.

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    1. Thank you so much Belle. My worst fear is the people will only see the disease. Not her, not how awesome or talented or loving or special she is. He has been kind and loving. His forgiveness was immediate. He will set things to right when he gets home. He loves her very much and I need to remember that.

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  8. I am sorry that you are both so hurt. {{{HUGS}}} He loves you, you love him, and you will both find a way out of this. I think him letting you know that he wasn't her enemy might help you in making future decisions? It's a learning process, and we keep making steps. The good thing is, you're talking about the problem now, and you see now how good it is to be talking. {{{HUGS}}} I think this is a good step for you, and will be praying that the pain eases quickly for you.

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    1. we did a lot of talking, and I had to admit my fears, and admit that when she is like this, I feel like I need to protect her from EVERYONE.. even him. It was very humbling to hear him say.. I forgive you Sweetheart.

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  9. Aw, i'm sorry you're both hurt right now, but the good thing is - I can see how much you want to fix it! It's been a few days now, so I hope things are better and we'll get to read a happy update soon. :)

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    1. We are much better now. I have a feeling it's not going to save my butt, and I'm okay with that. He is generous in his forgiveness

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