I gotta tell ya. It's been a tough day. I feel like my son when he was in 1st grade and he was asked how many rules he had broken that day and he said, "Pretty much all of them Mom."
What I did was not intentional. It was not out of rebellion and I think maybe that makes it so much worse. Those of you have read my blog regularly know that my daughter has a form of high functioning autism/ and bipolar. There are many of us in blogland who have children with challenges. It's heart breaking. She is spiraling right now. Her level of depression is the worst I have seen in quite some time. I have watched the downslide feeling helpless to ease the fall. I have known for several days that it was this bad. I didn't tell The Man. When she gets this way, the only thing I can think of is to protect her from everyone because see, I can't protect her from herself.
We ended up in a very stressful discussion last night over her, and I panicked. I struck out. I tried to put it off on me that I wanted to wait for him to make the decisions was wanting to make instead of just telling him that she is spiraling and can't handle anything else. I tried to make it his problem, or mine, or anyone but hers.
I had to tell him this morning how bad things are. He immediately adjusted his decisions, we came up with a plan together. I knew what I had to do. I told him that I was sorry and thanked him for changing his mind. I knew that I had totally crossed the line. The texts went like this:
Me: Yes, Thank you for understanding about_______
The Man: You'll notice that when I have all the facts, I make better decisions.
Me: I know I am in trouble and it's deserved. I need to remember that I don't need to protect her from you.
We talked on the phone later in the day. He reminded me that I needed to learn in my heart that he was not her enemy. That broke my heart, cause it let me know that he wasn't angry, or frustrated. I had hurt him. I asked how much trouble I was in and he said we would discuss it when he gets home that he wants me to relax.
The guilt I feel is terrible. A fight is one thing, but to know that I have hurt him, let him down, made him feel less than, just about kills me. he is gone and will be gone till the 7th. In one fell swoop I managed to be dishonest, disrespectful, dangerous, and distance and all when I didn't intend to. I just needed to protect, to fix, to shield. I am not making excuses, because there are none. The heaviness in my heart is much, much worse, than a spanking. I deserve it, and a large part of me needs to make amends, and to clear the air so I can let go of this guilt.