Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Go Big or Go Home!!!!

I gotta tell ya.  It's been a tough day.  I feel like my son when he was in 1st grade and he was asked how many rules he had broken that day and he said, "Pretty much all of them Mom."

What I did was not intentional.  It was not out of rebellion and I think maybe that makes it so much worse.  Those of you have read my blog regularly know that my daughter has a form of high functioning autism/ and bipolar.  There are many of us in blogland who have children with challenges.  It's heart breaking.  She is spiraling right now.  Her level of depression is the worst I have seen in quite some time.  I have watched the downslide feeling helpless to ease the fall.  I have known for several days that it was this bad.  I didn't tell The Man.  When she gets this way, the only thing I can think of is to protect her from everyone because see, I can't protect her from herself. 

We ended up in a very stressful discussion last night over her, and I panicked.  I struck out.  I tried to put it off on me that I wanted to wait for him to make the decisions was wanting to make instead of just telling him that she is spiraling and can't handle anything else.  I tried to make it his problem, or mine, or anyone but hers. 

I had to tell him this morning how bad things are.  He immediately adjusted his decisions, we came up with a plan together.  I knew what I had to do.  I told him that I was sorry and thanked him for changing his mind.  I knew that I had totally crossed the line.  The texts went like this:

Me:  Yes, Thank you for understanding about_______
The Man:  You'll notice that when I have all the facts, I make better decisions.
Me:  I know I am in trouble and it's deserved.  I need to remember that I don't need to protect her from you.

We talked on the phone later in the day.  He reminded me that I needed to learn in my heart that he was not her enemy.  That broke my heart, cause it let me know that he wasn't angry, or frustrated.  I had hurt him.  I asked how much trouble I was in and he said we would discuss it when he gets home that he wants me to relax.

The guilt I feel is terrible.  A fight is one thing, but to know that I have hurt him, let him down, made him feel less than, just about kills me.  he is gone and will be gone till the 7th.  In one fell swoop I managed to be dishonest, disrespectful, dangerous, and distance and all when I didn't intend to.  I just needed to protect, to fix, to shield.  I am not making excuses, because there are none.  The heaviness in my heart is much, much worse, than a spanking.  I deserve it, and a large part of me needs to make amends, and to clear the air so I can let go of this guilt.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

It Aint All Sunshine and Roses...

Well now, I'm just miffed.  I'm aggravated, and I'm offended.  I know he didn't mean for this to happen and that well helps some...

I am expected to be honest.  I am spanked if I'm not honest.  I am spanked if I keep secrets.  I am spanked if I withhold information.  You get the idea.  So, it's okay for him to do this?  The tough part is I understand why he withheld the information to a degree.  He came into possession of information that he determined might make things difficult for me and all parties involved, so he kept it to himself.

Last night, this information, NO, part of this information was given to me, but not all of it.  It was not meant to be hurtful, but it was like I was being taunted.  Oh look, I have this information.. isn't it nice?  Oh no, I have no intentions of telling you the rest of it.

Now, the way my mind works, I am going to mull it over, try to work it out, wonder about every SINGLE person in my world who could possibly have had a hand in said situation.  Because THAT is the way my mind works.  That's how I roll...

It makes me feel like a child.  Like someone who is not trustworthy, or capable of handling said information.  And if he truly felt that way, FINE, just don't tell me any of it.  Oh wait, that's not quite right..  cause well I'm held to a completely different standard now aren't I?  And at this point, No, I don't want the rest of the information.  I wanted to be trusted enough in the first place.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Hellooo!! Am I the only one?

As is my way, I have to process things.  It brews in my mind, I examine it from every angle, take it apart, play it out in my mind, consider the pros and cons (okay I worry it to death, geez).

The Man and I have come so far in the last two years.  It is amazing.  There is more harmony, joy and affection between us, I feel more safe and secure than any other time in my life, and the air of confidence and pride that is obvious in him humbles me.

It's me I struggle with.  My feelings, my fears, my insecurities.  I don't want to lose me.  My desire to please, to be submissive to him is a driving force in me that is true.  I don't want to be a door mat.  I want my opinion to matter.  I love feeling cherished and taken care of, but don't ever want to be treated like I am incompetent.

I struggle with whether or not I have the right to lose my temper.  I am human, things aggravate me.  Things that are done over and over and over again.  I know in my household of ADD, ADHD, and Autism that none of them intentionally do the things that drive me up the wall, but man... Some days, it's just the last straw for something not to be put back where it belongs in my kitchen.  So how do I lose my temper without getting a spanking?  And if I hold it in am I not being dishonest?  And if I do hold it in, then I am just seething inside.

How do I come to terms with what feels like two people living inside me?  I am a strong woman.  Professional, mother, daughter, Christian believer, best friend on the one hand.  On the other hand, I have desires that are certainly on the kinky side to say the least.  I work hard, and play hard.  I am an intensely private person.  I was raised with a very.. well repressed is a good word.. mother.  I  don't fear The Man.  I fear my own feelings, and desires.  I shy away from the things that I long for, yet return to them.. 

The thought occurred to me last night.  In this vast Blogland, I can NOT be the only one that struggles with or has.  We are all different and lead our lives differently, yet we have things in common.  How have you guys handled things like this?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

HELLO MONDAY.... BRING IT ON!!!!!







For your viewing pleasure...

 
 
 
 
 
TALK ABOUT LOW SELF ESTEEM
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
YEAH BUDDY...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I SO UNDERSTAND THIS
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
YA KNOW....I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS!! 
 
WE'RE ALL TWISTED!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
AND LASTLY....
 
 
 
 
 
HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!!!
 
 
 
 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Wow!!! Who jacked the speed on Life's Merry-Go-Round?

There are times when I don't feel like I have anything to write about, or that I don't want seem a whiner.  This is not the case right now.  I feel like I have so much to say, to process that I could write a book.

First of all.  I don't know about the rest of you.  I don't know if you have ever had this experience/ aha moment, epiphany, light bulb moment.. you get the idea.  The Man is honorable, trustworthy, funny, and so many things.  However, the other day I had this revelation.  He is a man that I can admire, not just respect and love but admire.  Especially in one major area that is a very weak one in me.  His ability to remain calm and not throw a fit when emotions are high or he is angry or something is extremely aggravating.  You get the idea.  This is a man who I can follow.  I so admire that quality in him, and am growing to understand how much I need that quality and how much that quality filters to me and how he deals with me.

Things like when going on a trip is change for me.  Even when it's a good change and I want to go and am excited.  I get anxious and stressed and well, for example, last time we went away, I threw the kindle and came close to throwing the computer, and was so frazzled.  Instead of spanking me, (okay so I rode so close to the line that my bottom cheeks were clinched in preparation) he took my face in his hands and spoke calmly and finally came to stand beside me, to remind me he was right there, and that IF I threw the computer it was not going to go well.

Or understanding that I needed to spend time with my Aunt whose life is drawing to a close, even if it is your last day home and holding me in an attempt to absorb some of the pain in the face of losing a woman I love like a sister.

Your ability to be respectful even when you are livid is so admirable.  When things go wrong, and don't go your way, you still are able to be respectful to others while getting your point across.  Yeah, I suck at this, and I know it.  I just want you to know that your example has helped me to improve in this area so very much.

The fact that for the first time, I considered sharing our lifestyle with a friend who is hurting in their relationship, and I really think that Dd may help them.  The fact that you know me so, so very well, that you answered my questions and concerns before I voiced them, giving me permission to share, and understanding my need for privacy.  Your calm assurance that we have nothing to be ashamed of, and being so proud of our progress just thrilled me.

And finally, I admire the fact that you have never, ever spanked me in anger.  Not one time, not ever.  You don't yell at me, and you calmly and with assurance meet this need in me.  You love me enough to step outside of your own comfort zone and spank me to the level of intensity that I need to release this caldron of emotions that are swirling under the surface. 

Yeah, life is pretty exciting round here right now.. Kinda like getting on the Merry go Round only to find out that the playground bully has cranked up the speed and all you can do is hang on and hope that he gets tired....

Sunday, August 11, 2013

A Weekend Just for Us

The Man took me away.  He took my cell phone, and computer.  He didn't take his computer.  We went away to the mountains, to a cabin and spent the weekend just us.  We went hiking, we played board games, and just talked, just us.  We read some, played some, danced some, and loved much. 

I have been given the okay to put up some pics of our weekend.  We love the outdoors and most of these places hold childhood memories for me.

 
 

For whatever reason these butterflies were all in one place
 
 
 
 
 
 
Looking Glass Falls
 
 
 
 
Pisgah National Forest
 
 
 
I would recommend taking time to reconnect.  Even if it's a day trip.  No phones, no computers.  Just you and your partner.  



Monday, August 5, 2013

What to Do? What to Do?

You were not perfect parents, and neither am I.  Yet, you are my folks and I love you.  As you are entering your later years and you need more help, sometimes I am at a loss.

I am at a loss of how to help you mom not spin into another bipolar cycle where you lose more and more pieces of yourself.

It pains me that the only way I can protect you from yourself is to no longer keep your secrets.  It shames me that I can't allow myself to trust you anymore when I suspect you are beginning to spin and I have to check up on you.

I am at a loss Daddy.  I am at a loss of how to help you and save your pride.  I know that your pride is all you have left.  I know your mind is slipping.  I know your health is sliding.  I know you are terrified and sad. 

I made a promise and I meant it then and I mean it now.  I will do everything in my power to take care of you, to protect you and if that means protecting you from my brother then so be it.

I understand that they are "our" parents.  Well, I understand they birthed you.  Where have you been?  You checked out.  Even when you came back home, to live closer, you have checked out.  What right do you have to speak harshly to my folks?  What right do you have to disrespect them or act like they are a burden?  They are not YOUR burden.  You are not here.  You can't even manage to visit your parents.

You are the golden child to my Mom.  ACT like it.  I will honor their wishes and have your name on paperwork that it has taken me years to get them to agree it is time to sign.  However, do not be fooled, I will not allow you to do things against their wishes.  Shame on you.  Shame on you that you have become a bully who is ashamed of where you came from.  They have such pride in you and I will do whatever I can to keep them from realizing what an empty, shallow man you have become.

I know, it's not a pretty post.  It's not a pleasant post.  I know it's ranting.  I can not share this with anyone outside of The Man.  I will not cause family friction.  It has boiled and stewed to the place that if I don't spew some of this out, I'm going to end up with a spanking and not a pleasant GG spanking.  Thanks for listening.  I would like to say that I am angry, but in truth.. I am simply heart broken and disillusioned that someone I thought of a my hero doesn't even have feet of clay.