Monday, July 15, 2013

Whose Measuring Stick Should I be Using...

I watch women with poise, charm, grace and style.  I am jealous.  I have spent a good bit of my life longing to be something I'm not.  It's not always the same thing, sometimes it changes depending on the situation.  I have always wanted to be skinny, and when I was younger I wanted to be popular.

I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my mom to want me for a daughter instead of something I couldn't quite obtain.

I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my first husband to love me for who I was and not someone he could damage.

I have spent a lot of time hiding.  Hiding my feelings, my fears, my desires, my dreams and longing for someone to see the real me.  

I went for a visit this weekend.  I went with my Daddy to see my older brother and his wife.  If you remember from a previous post, she is everything my mother ever wanted in a daughter.. and I am not.  Their home is beautiful, beautiful things, beautiful furniture, beautifully decorated, in a beautiful neighborhood, and I was scared to sit on the furniture.  There are many reasons why it's "all about the stuff".  Reasons I understand and it breaks my heart.  I looked around and thought..  how sad if this is all you have..... stuff.

I have never felt like I measured up to "the golden" child.  Yet, I look around and I have a thriving relationship with all of my children.  I have deep friendships that I cherish.  I fit into my Daddy's family and am loved.  Our home is not a showplace, it is a home.  It is a place where people feel comfortable to sit down, kick their shoes off and make themselves at home.  We laugh here, we play here, we love here and yeah.. we spank here..

I have been on this weight loss journey for a while now.  I have lost 45 pounds and 4 sizes.  Yet, I still feel the need to lose one more size.  I have a goal.  I want to reach it, but why?  Is it to be healthy or because I feel like I don't measure up to what society would tell me is beauty?  I don't have the answer for that.  The Man loves me and has made it very clear to me that I was beautiful whatever size I was or am, and he means.

I suck at decorating.  I just do.  I can paint, and furniture is a knack for me.. but putting things on the wall or what looks good together.. I just suck at it.  I don't like clutter.  I love my home, I am wanting to make it more ours.. but I don't want all that clutter.. Dear God, dusting must be a full time job for my SIL.

I want to be a good wife.  Submissive, and obedient..  Yeah..  working on it.  I can be stubborn, obstinate and down right cranky.  I can be quick to criticize and when backed into an emotional corner..  Katie bar the door.. it's just down right ugly.

Yet, whose measuring stick am I using?  And whose should I use.  I just know that I am so very tired of hiding things.  It's is time consuming.  I am many things to many people, and most of them not the same.  When do I get to just be me?

12 comments:

  1. I do understand using a critical measuring stick and feeling as if I never measure up...been there, done that...more than once. Actually, still there. :(

    Yes, you are many things to many people...in different ways but to those who accept and love you, you are still just you....for example, to your daddy, you are an awesome daughter and to your children, you are an awesome mom.

    You get to be just you...fully accepted when you are with the Man, your kids, your daddy and his family and all of us here in blog land. You are beautiful, loving, supportive and an all-round awesome lady with a great sense of humor...just to name a few wonderful facets of you.

    BTW...are you sure your SIL didn't just have a showroom delivered from a store? Really hate those rooms...bet your house looks a lot more inviting and welcoming. ;)

    Hang in there...call if you need to talk.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. thanks... I like our home.. I am trying to learn that me is okay..

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  2. It's almost impossible not to measure ourselves against measuring sticks. I think we use different sticks at different times. Thats where we get ourselves all confused.

    When you work out how I can measure myself against only my own standards, please please please let me know ;)

    Callie

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    1. Yeah, if I figure that out.. I'm gonna be a rich woman... Thanks for your support Callie

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  3. it's not possible to be totally at peace and contented with what you have. I feel you.

    i hate clutter too, and my home is really sparse. but i'm trying to "decorate" a little. Altho i'm not sure whom for sometimes.

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    1. Right. I am trying to learn that if I am acceptable to The Man, that should be enough...

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  4. Hi, Dana. I think we all can be overly critical of ourselves and feel like we aren't good enough for those we are comparing ourselves too. When I feel this way I just try to remember that everyone feels this way at one point in time or another - even those that put up the appearances that things are in order and perfect. It's just not a reality even when it seems like it from the outside perspective. You outlined all of the wonderful roles you get to fill - and all of those ARE you. You have a wonderful husband and family, and if that's what is most important to you, then you have it all. I know, I know...easier said that done to feel at ease with our lives. I am here in this same place a lot.

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    1. Thanks Marie. I am trying to lean that me is ok. Learning to be okay in my own skin..

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  5. I like your measuring stick Dana--you are so focused on all the right things. I know it is hard to not measure up in other's eyes but that value doesn't begin to compare with what you have for real, in relationship.

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    1. Susie,

      I want to be. Focused on the right things. I falter a lot. I am insecure and self conscious, and my own worst critic. He loves me anyway..

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  6. Dana,

    This totally resonates with me - I feel like you and I have walked very similar paths. I've wrestled with much of the same stuff and still do.

    (Congrats on the 45 pounds by the way!! That is not easy!)

    I think that blogland is the best place to be ourselves and grow in becoming more comfortable with who we are and not who everyone else might expect us to be.

    I'm a natural born people pleaser, so I'm usually watching and waiting before I speak up to make sure that I've figured out people right and will behave accordingly.

    Here in blogland, there are no expectations - just the freedom to be yourself so grow in that and enjoy it!

    And I just want to say that you are absolutely right! Better to have a happy healthy and close knit family than a showcase house full of stuff.

    :) Cali

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    1. Ah Cali... Although I am happy for the company, I wouldn't wish some of this on anybody.. I am a pleaser at heart. It is my nature. I think that is what makes criticism so hard.

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