I watch women with poise, charm, grace and style. I am jealous. I have spent a good bit of my life longing to be something I'm not. It's not always the same thing, sometimes it changes depending on the situation. I have always wanted to be skinny, and when I was younger I wanted to be popular.
I wanted to be enough. I wanted to be good enough for my mom to want me for a daughter instead of something I couldn't quite obtain.
I wanted to be enough. I wanted to be good enough for my first husband to love me for who I was and not someone he could damage.
I have spent a lot of time hiding. Hiding my feelings, my fears, my desires, my dreams and longing for someone to see the real me.
I went for a visit this weekend. I went with my Daddy to see my older brother and his wife. If you remember from a previous post, she is everything my mother ever wanted in a daughter.. and I am not. Their home is beautiful, beautiful things, beautiful furniture, beautifully decorated, in a beautiful neighborhood, and I was scared to sit on the furniture. There are many reasons why it's "all about the stuff". Reasons I understand and it breaks my heart. I looked around and thought.. how sad if this is all you have..... stuff.
I have never felt like I measured up to "the golden" child. Yet, I look around and I have a thriving relationship with all of my children. I have deep friendships that I cherish. I fit into my Daddy's family and am loved. Our home is not a showplace, it is a home. It is a place where people feel comfortable to sit down, kick their shoes off and make themselves at home. We laugh here, we play here, we love here and yeah.. we spank here..
I have been on this weight loss journey for a while now. I have lost 45 pounds and 4 sizes. Yet, I still feel the need to lose one more size. I have a goal. I want to reach it, but why? Is it to be healthy or because I feel like I don't measure up to what society would tell me is beauty? I don't have the answer for that. The Man loves me and has made it very clear to me that I was beautiful whatever size I was or am, and he means.
I suck at decorating. I just do. I can paint, and furniture is a knack for me.. but putting things on the wall or what looks good together.. I just suck at it. I don't like clutter. I love my home, I am wanting to make it more ours.. but I don't want all that clutter.. Dear God, dusting must be a full time job for my SIL.
I want to be a good wife. Submissive, and obedient.. Yeah.. working on it. I can be stubborn, obstinate and down right cranky. I can be quick to criticize and when backed into an emotional corner.. Katie bar the door.. it's just down right ugly.
Yet, whose measuring stick am I using? And whose should I use. I just know that I am so very tired of hiding things. It's is time consuming. I am many things to many people, and most of them not the same. When do I get to just be me?