I have had a lot going on in my brain. I am one to let things sift, settle, rework them, take them out, look at things from all angles. (Some might call this worrying it to death) I had a heartbreaking conversation with someone I hold dear this morning. In every way that counts, she is my sister. We have been friends for 14 years now. We consider ourselves family. Our families have intertwined. Her children call me Aunt and mine do the same for her. Our children are closer than cousins as they are also friends.
Anyway, she is at a very difficult place in her marriage. She has withdrawn her heart from her mate for what I consider to be very legitimate reasons. No, he did not cheat, for women like us it is much worse. He has left her in emotional chaos, walked away from his role as protector and provider and jerked her safety rug out from underneath her. For women like us, it would have been kinder to cheat.
I began thinking about them, then us. There was a time in our marriage that this could have been me. Only it wasn't done out of selfishness on the part of the man, but an inability to lead our family. I have more than my part to blame in that particular fiasco. You can't lead someone that won't get out of the way or hand over the reins. You can't walk in the confidence of respect if none is given or it is given then taken at the first hint of trouble.
Here in blogland, at least on mine, I talk often of how this lifestyle has helped me, changed me, made me a better person. I talk about how it has improved our relationship and that is all true. We are happier than we have ever been, and in the last months, the closeness, the care, the concern, the depth of our relationship has changed and grown until I am humbled by what we have.
Yet, I have been thinking of what it has done for The Man. I love him, have always seen what he was meant to be. It is what drew me to him. Time and circumstances robbed him of his self esteem and confidence. Much as I tried, us being on an "equal" footing did not completely repair that. Yet, giving him my heart, my submission, my trust and faith in him has. Not to mention my respect. He walks taller, his shoulders set.
The Man has always struggled with ADHD and the lack of ability to focus, organize and follow through. Yet, our decision to lead this life has given him the vehicle to knuckle down and direct his focus on our family and our needs. You see, he is so fair, he is so good. He determined it was not fair to hold me to a higher standard than himself. He could not in good conscience discipline me if he did not first discipline himself.
His attitude is that if he expects respect from me than he must be someone who is worthy of that respect. If he expects obedience from me then he must make selfless decisions that are in the best interest of our family. I have watched him grow, settle, gain confidence and work to be the leader I have always known he could be.
Yes, I asked for this lifestyle. I need the safety, the security of knowing he is right there and is going to catch me when I fall, spank me when I fail and glory in my triumphs. Yet, I am no longer of the opinion that we have done this just for me. It's about us. It's always been about us.