Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Humor is good for the Soul... and other parts...

Sometimes I just feel like us girls need a pick me up.. Something to smile about, ya know?  So in honor of that, I present to you...

I know wishful thinking for most of us who have chores and schedule to keep.

One simply MUST be proud of ones heritage don't you think?

This will NOT work with your HOH...

I mean really?  With all the silent killers, I simply must agree...  Notice it doesn't say anything about NOT doing it causing a very RED bottom...

And Last but not least.....

When I showed this to The Man, his response was.. "That is easy, you would never know if you were talking about the vacuum cleaner or your wife if you called it that."

Saturday, July 27, 2013

You Aren't Being Punished....

We had a very stressful situation at our house on Thursday evening.  To me, there just isn't much worse than conflict or confrontation with people you love and care about.  The Man and I had a meeting with some folks that we care about in order to discuss some very important issues.

My main concern was that I not conduct myself in a manner that would embarrass my husband or call into question his authority in our home.  There is nothing worse to me than behaving in such a manner that people think things like.. "Man, he needs to get his wife in line."

It was a very emotional night and at the end of it, I just simply shut down and withdrew.  The next morning I woke up a bit like this....

I was made to get up and take a shower...  I whined, I complained, and I went.  He washed my hair.  I love that, I mean I really love that.  There just isn't much better than him taking the time to massage my scalp and wash my hair.  After the shower, we just snuggled for a bit, then he went to the couch, and bid me come to him.  I stammered, I stuttered, and then I went.
This is where I heard...  we are going to do maintenance.  You aren't in trouble... Yet.  You aren't being punished.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized that you were avoiding me last night.  I didn't understand how emotionally torn up you were until it was too  late.  We talked about my level of anxiety last night and this morning.
So, spanked I was and centered..  We had a wonderful day together.  All I can say is the word though small can be a pretty big motivator.... Yet...

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Because I need it...

Because I need it, you came home and saved our pool.  Tired, weary, you completely redid the plumbing and made a plan to fix the erosion that has been caused from the bombardment of rain we are currently suffering.

Because I need it, you spent your first night home in a hotel so you could drive me back from staying up all night with a cranky baby after medical testing.
Because I needed it, you helped me get ready for our friends to come over for dinner and took great joy in the fact that I spent time with my friend laughing till we cried..


Because I needed it, you put me over your knee and spanked me.  Because I needed it, you spanked me harder than you like.  Because I needed it, when my hand slid down to find yours, while you were pushing my limits, your hand was right there.  It was warm, strong, firm, much like you.
And this morning, because I need it, while I was sleeping, you pulled weeds in my flower bed.  I love you darling, with all my heart..

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

All Giddy and Stuff...

In case you guys aren't keeping up with it (and why would you?)  The Man comes home TOMORROW!!!  This week has been really tough and I was doing really well.  Home stretch, eye on the prize and then...  He said something awful, so terrible.. I don't even know if I can repeat it...

It was totally uncalled for, unbelievable.  Are you ready for it?  Brace yourself...  Make sure you are alone...

He said,  "It's bedtime, Little Girl."   I know, I know, it was terrible... and well, so was I .  I threw a mini tantrum, and went to bed fuming, woke up hateful.  Felt justified and RIGHTEOUS in my anger, and then...    I got this email.  He had written it in the night.  You know when I was fuming?

little girl,
I know the house has you down, and it is wearing on you. Do what you can but do not push yourself. Take care of yourself first. I will try very hard to get the yard in order quickly. I will discuss with your what your priorities are. Then I will grab up my team and we will do our very best to set everything to rights. I assume you want me to start with the pool. I will, and then I will work toward the rest just as fast as I can.
I want to get things around the house done. I want it a place you can be very proud of. I'm excited to have company over Saturday. It will be good to open our house for fellowship and rest. This, after all, is one of the things we wanted a house for.
I hope you slept last night.
Today is my last working day. I'm super-excited to get home to you.
I love you. Always and forever.
Love The Man
I felt crummy, and well for the first time when I apologized and he readily forgave me, it wasn't enough for me.  My attitude was not okay.  For the first time, I explained to him that I didn't feel that I deserved a good girl spanking and that I felt terrible for my actions and attitude.  Then he said the most awesome thing.  "We will discuss it when I get home.  I intend to restore our roles, and you will feel much better after some time over my knee.  I don't intend to punish you, but I will be firm and loving and intense." 
Then today, the gloom lifted..  I made a fool out of myself in front of a foster parent.  We were driving in the car and I got the text that said he was off the rig.. and  said, "OH, that's my baby."  She just giggled and I blushed.  Then, I was cleaning in the house in his shirt and came to myself shaking my booty and singing...  Life is good and I will be so glad to see his face..

Monday, July 15, 2013

Whose Measuring Stick Should I be Using...

I watch women with poise, charm, grace and style.  I am jealous.  I have spent a good bit of my life longing to be something I'm not.  It's not always the same thing, sometimes it changes depending on the situation.  I have always wanted to be skinny, and when I was younger I wanted to be popular.

I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my mom to want me for a daughter instead of something I couldn't quite obtain.

I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my first husband to love me for who I was and not someone he could damage.

I have spent a lot of time hiding.  Hiding my feelings, my fears, my desires, my dreams and longing for someone to see the real me.  

I went for a visit this weekend.  I went with my Daddy to see my older brother and his wife.  If you remember from a previous post, she is everything my mother ever wanted in a daughter.. and I am not.  Their home is beautiful, beautiful things, beautiful furniture, beautifully decorated, in a beautiful neighborhood, and I was scared to sit on the furniture.  There are many reasons why it's "all about the stuff".  Reasons I understand and it breaks my heart.  I looked around and thought..  how sad if this is all you have..... stuff.

I have never felt like I measured up to "the golden" child.  Yet, I look around and I have a thriving relationship with all of my children.  I have deep friendships that I cherish.  I fit into my Daddy's family and am loved.  Our home is not a showplace, it is a home.  It is a place where people feel comfortable to sit down, kick their shoes off and make themselves at home.  We laugh here, we play here, we love here and yeah.. we spank here..

I have been on this weight loss journey for a while now.  I have lost 45 pounds and 4 sizes.  Yet, I still feel the need to lose one more size.  I have a goal.  I want to reach it, but why?  Is it to be healthy or because I feel like I don't measure up to what society would tell me is beauty?  I don't have the answer for that.  The Man loves me and has made it very clear to me that I was beautiful whatever size I was or am, and he means.

I suck at decorating.  I just do.  I can paint, and furniture is a knack for me.. but putting things on the wall or what looks good together.. I just suck at it.  I don't like clutter.  I love my home, I am wanting to make it more ours.. but I don't want all that clutter.. Dear God, dusting must be a full time job for my SIL.

I want to be a good wife.  Submissive, and obedient..  Yeah..  working on it.  I can be stubborn, obstinate and down right cranky.  I can be quick to criticize and when backed into an emotional corner..  Katie bar the door.. it's just down right ugly.

Yet, whose measuring stick am I using?  And whose should I use.  I just know that I am so very tired of hiding things.  It's is time consuming.  I am many things to many people, and most of them not the same.  When do I get to just be me?

Friday, July 5, 2013

A Different Perspective

I have had a lot going on in my brain.  I am one to let things sift, settle, rework them, take them out, look at things from all angles.  (Some might call this worrying it to death)  I had a heartbreaking conversation with someone I hold dear this morning.  In every way that counts, she is my sister.  We have been friends for 14 years now.  We consider ourselves family.  Our families have intertwined.  Her children call me Aunt and mine do the same for her.  Our children are closer than cousins as they are also friends.

Anyway, she is at a very difficult place in her marriage.  She has withdrawn her heart from her mate for what I consider to be very legitimate reasons.  No, he did not cheat, for women like us it is much worse.  He has left her in emotional chaos, walked away from his role as protector and provider and jerked her safety rug out from underneath her.  For women like us, it would have been kinder to cheat.

I began thinking about them, then us.  There was a time in our marriage that this could have been me.  Only it wasn't done out of selfishness on the part of the man, but an inability to lead our family.  I have more than my part to blame in that particular fiasco.  You can't lead someone that won't get out of the way or hand over the reins.  You can't walk in the confidence of respect if none is given or it is given then taken at the first hint of trouble.

Here in blogland, at least on mine, I talk often of how this lifestyle has helped me, changed me, made me a better person.  I talk about how it has improved our relationship and that is all true.  We are happier than we have ever been, and in the last months, the closeness, the care, the concern, the depth of our relationship has changed and grown until I am humbled by what we have.

Yet, I have been thinking of what it has done for The Man.  I love him, have always seen what he was meant to be.  It is what drew me to him.  Time and circumstances robbed him of his self esteem and confidence.  Much as I tried, us being on an "equal" footing did not completely repair that.  Yet, giving him my heart, my submission, my trust and faith in him has.  Not to mention my respect.  He walks taller, his shoulders set.

The Man has always struggled with ADHD and the lack of ability to focus, organize and follow through.  Yet, our decision to lead this life has given him the vehicle to knuckle down and direct his focus on our family and our needs.  You see, he is so fair, he is so good.  He determined it was not fair to hold me to a higher standard than himself.  He could not in good conscience discipline me if he did not first discipline himself. 

His attitude is that if he expects respect from me than he must be someone who is worthy of that respect.  If he expects obedience from me then he must make selfless decisions that are in the best interest of our family.  I have watched him grow, settle, gain confidence and work to be the leader I have always known he could be.

Yes, I asked for this lifestyle.  I need the safety, the security of knowing he is right there and is going to catch me when I fall, spank me when I fail and glory in my triumphs.  Yet, I am no longer of the opinion that we have done this just for me.  It's about us.  It's always been about us.