Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Is Your Arm Tired?

I have come back up for air.  The Man came home last Thursday.  Today is the first day since he's been home that I haven't been spanked.  I really must agree with June.  Good Girl spankings are where it's at.  I wasn't spanked for something I had done or not done.  He always spanks me when he first gets home because we both need it desperately.  I need to feel I'm his and he needs to know I know I'm his. 

I needed to feel his leadership, his control.  I needed to know he "had me".  I needed to know that he was strong enough for me to release this pent up emotion, anxiety, and stress.  I was able to communicate to him before he got home that I needed permission to buck against his authority, to release these terrible toxic feelings I have spent weeks keeping under control.  I got the most wonderful statement from The Man.  "I'm coming for you Sweetheart.  I have what you need." 

I have been spanked softly, playfully, seriously, long and hard.  My bottom has been everything from pink to red.  I have been in a variety of positions, but the best... is when we are warmed up, my bottom is hot, and I am nearing the end of my control, he puts me over his knee, with my laying across the bed, and wraps his legs over mine and takes me to the place that my mind and body needs to go.  You are right June, there is something so reassuring and a special moment of connection when I feel I am at the end of what I can endure and I reach for his hand and he takes mine.  He doesn't restrain me, he lets me know that he is right there with me.

He has had me count.  You see I told him that I needed him.  I needed to feel his strength.  I needed to feel his leadership.  I needed to feel his control.  I have felt so out of control.  I needed him to help me get it back under control.  I didn't want to "brat" to get what I needed.  I didn't want to break rules, hide, distance or demand.  It was not easy to tell him of my need.  To tell him I was holding on by my fingernails.  But the benefit was well worth it.

After two particularly intense spankings, The Man had me stand in the corner.  This is not normal for us.  The point was not punishment for me.  It was for me to continue to get my emotions under control.  I have an extremely  hard time being still when I am anxiety ridden.  The Man told me to stand, stand still and empty my mind.  At first, I thought.."Why don't you just ask me to stand on my head and spit brass nickels.."  But as I stood there.  My nose in the corner, I began to listen for his breathing, his movements and my mind settled.

Don't mind telling you the "other" activities have been pretty freakin awesome...  Just sayin.  So, today is the first day I haven't been spanked since he's been home.  He is a fine man, who says to me, while he is snuggling me close, "Did you get what  you needed Little girl?"  And I have to say at this point, "Yes, Yes I have." 

Monday, May 20, 2013

3.....2....1

Today is Monday, not normally my favorite day... and it's morning, bleh.  However, today, yes folks today marks the count down till The Man comes home.  Three days, just three lil ole' days.  (eternity feels like this)

This is the week that can't move along fast enough.  It is hard to focus.  My house is clean, laundry done (no small feat).  There are some tasks that he has given in preparation for his return home.  He tells me everyday how much he is ready to be home.  We make plans.  We chat in secret.  We send emails back and forth that should heat up cyber space.  He sends me texts messages during the day to let me know he is thinking about me.

I have taken off two days and am off on Monday, so we have a 5 day stretch that is mostly just us.  The first two days anyway.  I am so excited.  I am nervous.  It is often hard for me to shift gears from ,   I am woman hear me roar, to...  I am your submissive wife and you call the shots.


 
 



 
 
I suspect I am going to have a nice pink/red bottom for the first couple of days and well, I am just good with that.  Well past good actually, but I digress.  

Friday, May 17, 2013

Happy Anniversary Darling!!!

Happy Anniversary Darling.  It is hard to believe that it has been 11 years.  We have changed, we have grown and I love you more now than I did.  Memories, memories.. 

Remember when on the day of our Wedding and I was decorating and couldn't the pearls to hang just right and threw them across the floor?  More to the point, you were the only person in the room that looked remotely surprised that I had done it...  Or that my cousin found the "personal" lubricant in the freezer because you forgot it in the bag with the frozen juice?

I remember the look on your face when  you first caught a glimpse of me in my dress?  I am so humbled to say that after 11 years, you still look at me that way..  Remember is pouring rain and us praying that God would please let it clear up long enough for us to get married, and it did complete with a rainbow?

Remember having to be creative with the heater in the car because it broke on the way to the bed and breakfast in the snow no less?  Or how beautiful everything was under that blanket of snow?

Remember our private vows that we said before God in the privacy of my bedroom?  The commitment we made to make us work?  To love one another?  To make a life for ourselves and our children? 

We have had hurts, hurdles, and hard times, but we stuck to our commitment.  You married me knowing that you loved me more than I did you.  You married me believing that you could change that and you did.  I never, ever thought I could trust another, love another, believe in another, grow with another like I do you.

I love you, You Moon Hangin' man of Mine.  You are my soul mate, the Master of my heart, the Head of our Home, and for me there is no other.

 
 
 
 
This song so reminds me of our journey to us..



Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Let's Be Real

 I have to say, this month has pretty much been, (the word I want to use would get me in trouble at best, and offend others at worst) um trying.  Yeah, that's a good word.  Trying.  Yup, yup, I have spent the month ....

  1. Trying to keep up at work and we are down two workers and the Paper Monster has executed a hostile take over in my office.
 
 
 
 
 
 
      2.  Trying to keep up with the various and sundry end of the school year programs, awards ceremonies, end of grade testing, field days, end of the year school trips, you get the idea.
 
 
 
 
3.    Trying to keep up with my diet, work out schedule, sleep, and taking care of me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
4.      Dealing with the leftover dregs of the PTSD visitor that I began to fear was going to take up residence and move in to stay.
 
 
 
 
 
 
That being said, as an introduction...  Monday, I sent a text to my two friends, Cat and Christina that went something like this.  "I just did the computer version of hanging up on The Man.  I am screwed."  Now as in typical DD fashion of support they both sent something like...  "Apologize now, send a text, email, message.."  To which I immediately said... I'm NOT sorry and I'm NOT gonna say sorry when I'm not.  After a brief exchange from both trying to convince me otherwise, I got something like... "Okay..."  Which I understood as...  even if you aren't sorry, your butt is gonna be.
 
Bottom line, I was tired, wired, frustrated, and the computer connection was poor, he wasn't or couldn't answer, or it wasn't coming through and I just got fed up and threw something close to (okay, okay, exactly like a tantrum.)  I had a full head of steam, righteous indignation, justified, and well wrong. 
 
After an hour, the phone rang, and it was ...... The Man.  Like a man headed to the hangmans noose, I answered the phone.  By that time, I had calmed down and I was sorry.  Sorry I had taken it out on him, sorry I hadn't handled things well, knew I was in the wrong and contrite.  We talked for a minute, he was pleasant, and I quietly said, "I'm sorry I was rude and short with you.  I'm sorry I threw a fit even if it was on the computer."  I continued to say that I am aware if he were home I would probably... at which point he said, "Yeah, no probably to it, but I also know that if I were home, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.  You wouldn't be sleep deprived and you would have gotten the spankings you need."  In other words, the spankings I need to avoid the spankings I deserve when I act like this.
 
We are down to the last week before he gets  home and it's the hardest month we've had apart in a while.  We  have had very little time to talk or communicate this time.  He is making a concerted effort to get up early and talk to me, and I worry that he isn't getting enough sleep, and well Friday is our anniversary and we will be apart.  Yes, I know we will celebrate when  he gets home.  I try very hard to be positive when he is gone.  This is our life and I love it, and him.  It's just tough sometimes.  It's tough to go to banquets alone, retreats alone, family functions alone, and sleep alone.  It isn't any easier on him, I know that.  He loves his job as I love mine.  This job gives him the ability to provide for his family.  He is successful there.  I would never take that from him any more than he would take mine.  I also know that both our jobs cost us sometimes.
 
I'm sorry this has been all over the place.  I am seriously sleep deprived at this particular moment.  I'm gonna crash soon as is my way.  It's the one pattern I can't seem to break or change.




Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It's Not Easy Being the HoH....

Sweetheart,

My heart is heavy for you tonight.  I heard your voice tonight on the phone and it pressed my heart to hear the need for me.  I am so glad that we are at a place that when you need solace, when your heart is hurting, when your soul needs soothed, it is me you come to, confident that my love will do just that.

I am so very proud of you.  I can't say you've become, you have always been.  Your confidence, your leadership, your integrity, your comfort and compassion, it has always been there.  You are like the piece of wood that a carver looks at and doesn't see the block of wood but what is inside waiting to be unveiled.

You so often say that you wish that I could see myself how you do.  Well, I am going to give you (and blogland) a glimpse of what I see when I look at you my heart.  You are a man of honor.  A lesser man would have not seen the situation last night and made it right.  Yet, you were not willing to allow others to take responsibility for a decision that you made even if that decision hurt someone that you love.  Even as my heart hurt for you, I was so very proud of you.

You took your responsibility as my husband to heart when you chose me above all others including your family.  I never, ever wanted it to be that way.  I cherish that your need to protect me, us, our children and family came first with you.  I know that it was not without great price to you and I wish more than you know that I could fix it or ease your burden.

You have seen me through two surgeries and some pretty serious illness and you have taken care of me.  It was so humbling the first time you washed my hair because I couldn't or when you put your arms around me and picked me up when I couldn't get out of the chair alone.  You never made me feel a burden, you never made me feel embarrassed and I don't think I have ever felt so cherished and protected.  (although, I don't think it was necessary for you to sick my mom on me to be sure I stayed put while you were gone to get the kids...)

A lesser man wouldn't have taken on kids who were old enough to resent another man in their Mother's life.  A lesser man wouldn't have loved them when they were NOT lovely.  A lesser man would not have sacrificed a new garage, new car, new tools, vacations or whatever else could have been spent on the thousands of dollars you and your job provided for our daughters (yeah she's yours all the way- after all YOU got the Daddy dance at her wedding) therapy.  When I bemoaned the money or tried to say thank you, all you ever said was, "It's an investment in my daughter." 

Your love for me and us was important enough that you stepped out of your comfort zone to spank me.  I remember the first time you spanked me for discipline.  I laid my head on your chest and your heart was beating harder than mine.  That is when I knew I could trust you with my bottom as well as my heart.  (We won't talk about the fact that you took spanking like a duck to water)

You are the most generous man I know.  If you can help someone you do.  If you can fix it for them you do.  We could have probably had several new cars with the money you have generously given to others.  Never have I said my parents need, that you have not said, "Of course they do, go ahead."   Not to mention, the most precious gift you gave me which is my two youngest sons.  I love you Man of Mine.  You are the most amazing husband, and daddy I have ever known.  I just wanted you to know that I see that it's not easy being the Boss.

Love always,
Your Little Girl..

Monday, May 6, 2013

You Learn Something New Everyday

I was driving again today.  I really think the majority of my time is spent driving from one meeting to the other.  I had the radio on an tuned into a talk program that was a major light bulb moment.


 
 
 
The folks were talking about the differences between the male brain and the female brain and how that relates to marriage.  I knew many things like men are fixers.  They have a fundamental need for respect.  Women process by talking through things, and need to feel heard.
 
 
However,  did you know...  that women can hear and process 7 different sounds whereas a man can only process one at a time?
 
 
 
 
 
Also, were you aware that women's sense of smell is 10 times, yes that is 10 times more sensitive than a mans?
 
 
 
 
Also, when women are stressed or upset about something, we need to process it, talk about it, work through it.  When men are stressed they need time to think, to DO something, movement, physical activity, time to think through things.
 
 
And my favorite, the word " create" used in the bible in reference to man, (and this is my translation of what they said) was something rough hewn, strong, formed for the purpose to protect.  The word "create" in reference to women is something formed to cherish and treasure, to edify.
 
 
What struck me was that often times we are made to compliment one another.  I was convicted in my heart of the times I get so frustrated with The Man because he doesn't "communicate" with me, doesn't share his feelings.  I also had no idea that men have a "box" that is a nothing box in their head.  They can go here, and be thinking nothing. 
 
Also, there was understanding that YES, I may be the only one in the house that "smells" that.  Which lets the men in my life somewhat off the hook.  (Not for the smells, but that they truly don't smell it"  It was a good 30 minutes of information that I didn't have.  It made me see some things, and reaffirmed the things that we are working on and the foundations of TTWD.  He thrives on respect , and my encouragement, and in turn he is there to protect and cherish me.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

It's a Decision...

It's a decision.  It's not a decision for everyone, I understand that, but for me it is.  I must decide it's time.  It's time to stop brooding.  It's time to forge ahead.  It's time to take that first step.  It's time to do the first thing.  Other things will follow.

It is time to make the decision that this isn't going to fix itself.  My house isn't going to clean itself.  Yes, I am overwhelmed.  I must for the moment stop looking at the big picture.  I must do that first ONE thing.  Yes, I have a list of  "to do" that is a mile long.  However, I am only going to get there by beginning with that first one thing. 

It is a vicious cycle.  I am anxiety ridden and muddled in depression because my house it in disarray.  YOU can always tell how I feel inside if my house is upside down.  Well, I said to my Dad, "Dad, I have to do something cause it looks like someone robbed the place, ransacked but couldn't find anything to steal."  He laughed and I chuckled, but Lord it's true.  My house is in disarray due to anxiety and depression.  We all know the ONLY way to get off of the Merry Go Round is to step off, and sometimes you don't get to stop the round and round before you take the leap. 

Today is the first day I have had time and the ability to do something, so I am writing this in hopes that if I write it, I will feel some accountability.  I want you guys to ask me what I got done.  It's important to ask for help when you need it, and well I just need the extra push.

This time with The Man gone has been especially hard.  Between my job and his, we have not been able to talk as we normally do.  I am floundering.  Time to decide.  Wish me luck.  Thanks for being my accountability buddies today!!!