Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Man gave all of you a huge compliment...

It has taken me several days/weeks to wrap my head around stuff.  In the final moments of our conversation as I knelt at his feet, and I whispered, "I don't have anyone I can talk to about this honey."  The Man wrapped his arms around me and said,

"Oh Sweetheart, have you tried calling Christina or Cat?  (He knows I talk to them via phone)  Then, he said the most amazing thing in regards to you all here in blogland.  "No one who reads your blog appears to be judgmental.  I know you are a very private person, but I don't believe anyone would judge you or us." 

Me:  "Christina is grounded, and Cat's mom has been sick."
The MAN:  Oh.... Bummer for C, but you aren't asking Cat to solve the problem, merely listen, she may find the break refreshing..."  But either way, whether on your blog, in your private diary, Little Girl you have got to get this out.  The anxiety is eating you alive, and I realize that sometimes, it takes more than me to process things.

So, that being said.  I would like to tell you this is going to be well thought out.  It's not.  The Man and I are not strictly Dd.  We are not BDSM, we are just us.  We are a hodge podge of many things.  We have a traditional marriage in that he is very much the head of our home.  I am a girl with a very strong personality but also loves being submissive to The Man.

Three weeks ago..  ack.. I can't believe it's been that long.  We embarked upon date night.  It was meant to be a wonderful thing.  He had made wonderful plans.  As you know, I got food poisoning.  With all that, we had gotten a hotel room, and we were being adventurous.  The Man wanted to try something new, and I was game.  (There was something in the back of my mind that gave me pause, but I am so tired of everything new in the sexual arena being a BIG deal due to ptsd, so I went with it) 

Well, somehow, and I know logically, this makes no sense, it's all gotten mixed up in a big, OMG, I don't think I can ever do anything but vanilla sex again.  (that is not bad, but we enjoy other things)  The activities aren't my heart break.  I never thought I would be afraid of us, anything we do.

My anxiety has been terrible, heart pounding even when I lay down to sleep, I wake up terrified, but it's not of him.  The Man hasn't done anything wrong.    And it's so hard for me.  The walls went WAY up.  I know it sounds so ridiculous, my head knows better, but still there is that voice saying, "SEE, you wanted something that was not the norm, naughty, not okay and you were and are being punished for it."  (Did I mention my mom was a bit up tight sexually?)  When The Man says, "I don't know what to do for you, how to help you."  I hear, "You are broken, this may be the last straw.."  He told me last night that I was hearing things that he was not saying or feeling.

I hesitated to talk with him because I felt it would alter our lifestyle and well, it did.  As I knelt at his feet, he made the decision.... "I have put the toys away and they will stay there for a while, maybe a long time."  We will start at the beginning.  Spanking is on a case by case basis."  You see, I told him at supper that I needed him to come a get me.  Whereas the decision makes me sad, because it is my hearts desire to please my husband, that he made a decision, that he is moving us forward has given me great comfort and solace.  I don't know how long we will be here.  I don't know how to get out of the fox hole I find myself in.

18 comments:

  1. Cat did a post awhile ago. It was about a donkey who feel into a hole. They couldn't get him out so the people decided to bury him. As they were shoveling dirt into the hole the donkey was using it to step up. The more they shoveled the higher he climbed until he was out.
    Trust your man. I think that is what you need to focus on right now, trusting him. If it feels like he is shoveling dirt onto you, talk to him. You will find every time that he is only trying to help you find a way out.
    Whatever is going on in your head may feel illogical, but is very real. My mother had agoraphobia, it made no sense but was cripplingly real.
    Don't dismiss it, don't belittle it or the way it makes you feel. Talk to your man, trust him.
    It would be good if you can find someone who knows how to navigate ptsd.
    All of my best to you both,
    Blue Bird

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Blue. I have considered going back for a deeper round of therapy, but the couple of times I even got into the ball park of ttwd, I saw the "oh she's an abused woman" look and didn't go back. I would really love to find someone who if they don't agree with our choices at least won't label my mate an abuser, because it couldn't be further from the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dana! Please listen to the Man...you can ALWAYS call me...this issue with my mother isn't going to go away any time soon and I always enjoy talking with you.

    I know you've heard the story about the man who insisted he could eat a whole elephant...when his friend asked how, he said..."One bite at a time." No one says it has to be all in one sitting...one bite at a time sweetie...with the Man's help. I am here whenever you need to talk.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks my friend. I will call when we are done with vacation.

      Delete
  4. You must be hurting so bad. Thoughts and prayers with you. Anxiety is very real. No need to apologize, especially here of all places.
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bea. It is getting some better.

      Delete
  5. Hugs Dana, it takes time to get over situations like this. The Man is right, you do need to go back and start from the very beginning. Take everything slowly and go step by step. It's a process..... I sympathise with how you are feeling, something similar happened to me over a year ago. HUGS.

    Callie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been easier. He is so patient and kind.

      Delete
  6. Dana, Blue Bird gave some very insightful advice. Please don't loo at it like he is withdrawing from you, or this is some kind of punishment for fear. He sees you in the bottom of that well and he took you back to where you can see, step-by-step, where and how you built your trust in him.

    As far as the therapist, let me give you this link, you can search for your location, this is an organization of kink-friendly therapists, so you can get help without being judged: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14

    (((hugs))) and you can always email, or message.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops...here is the correct link https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

      Delete
    2. Thanks June and Cat... The Man and I are going to look at them together tonight. You are right June, he has taken us back to a place where I feel safe and loved and relaxed.

      Delete
  7. I do not think your husband is saying you are too much for him. I feel, in those words, he's saying he loves you, wishes he knew what to do. I have learned when the Duke says these things, he actually feels he is failing me, and I so never want him to feel this way. Him suggesting you talk to us, and Cat and Christina is one way he can actually find you help, help he feels he can't give. I seriously doubt your husband is thinking you are too much for him. He loves you, and him willing to start from the beginning, to find out what will work for you is love. He wants to take care of you, and not push you where you're not ready to go. {{{HUGS}}} And I do agree, finding someone to talk to might be a big help. For now, enjoy the things you can do with him, and don't worry about the things you can't. There is plenty of time later to think on those things. Right now just focus on feeling safe with him and enjoying him on the levels that you can. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EM,
      You are right, that is not what he was saying but what I certainly heard in my own well of fear and guilt. Things have improved over the last few days. I have actually slept without nightmares and am more relaxed.

      Delete
  8. Dana, I can so sympathize with the situation you and the Man find yourselves in. This is exactly where Joy and I are right now. I'm afraid I don't have any good advice on how to get out of it other than the same path the Man suggests--one step at a time, and starting from scratch. Sounds like you are keeping the lines of communication open, and that's key...

    All the best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jake,

      I know, but if it helps you any, speaking from the other side of the coin so to speak, this is pretty miserable. We are doing better, and as much as I hated it, his decision was truly the best one and we are moving toward one another and forward... I wish the same for you and Joy.

      Delete
  9. This is exactly what happened with me and Z...kind of..and we did take one step at a time, and it was hard to have gone so far with eachother and then start at rock bottom...but 3 months later we re surfaced and he is taking care of me again and being dominant with me and I'm finding myself able to slip into the submissive role very well. You didn't do anything wrong and in marriage there isn't anything "naughty" in the yes of God. My mother was a prude too...I didn't even know the size of a man's yahoo until my wedding night haha! You man definitely doesn't think you're too much - he's being kind and a good leader, which is what you want. I urge you not to give up and to cling to him and to continue to tell him your fears and to maybe go over what your hard lines might be and talk about them. Communicate communicate communicate...and then give it time. If you're going to love eachother for a lifetime then a couple days, or weeks, or months of hard thinking and little steps is going to be totally worth it. And....i'm proof. I didn't know if Z would ever get back to where we were before...when all was good and we were comfortable...and he did. And I didn't know if I would be able to trust him again or find worth in myself....and I have. You will too...have faith...and don't beat yourself up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Ashley. It has been a struggle and well, we aren't "there" yet, but I can at least sleep. He has been just what I have needed. He hasn't made me feel less than, he has been so sweet.

      Delete
  10. Sometimes we need to just take thing by baby steps. Hugs

    ReplyDelete