It has taken me several days/weeks to wrap my head around stuff. In the final moments of our conversation as I knelt at his feet, and I whispered, "I don't have anyone I can talk to about this honey." The Man wrapped his arms around me and said,
"Oh Sweetheart, have you tried calling Christina or Cat? (He knows I talk to them via phone) Then, he said the most amazing thing in regards to you all here in blogland. "No one who reads your blog appears to be judgmental. I know you are a very private person, but I don't believe anyone would judge you or us."
Me: "Christina is grounded, and Cat's mom has been sick."
The MAN: Oh.... Bummer for C, but you aren't asking Cat to solve the problem, merely listen, she may find the break refreshing..." But either way, whether on your blog, in your private diary, Little Girl you have got to get this out. The anxiety is eating you alive, and I realize that sometimes, it takes more than me to process things.
So, that being said. I would like to tell you this is going to be well thought out. It's not. The Man and I are not strictly Dd. We are not BDSM, we are just us. We are a hodge podge of many things. We have a traditional marriage in that he is very much the head of our home. I am a girl with a very strong personality but also loves being submissive to The Man.
Three weeks ago.. ack.. I can't believe it's been that long. We embarked upon date night. It was meant to be a wonderful thing. He had made wonderful plans. As you know, I got food poisoning. With all that, we had gotten a hotel room, and we were being adventurous. The Man wanted to try something new, and I was game. (There was something in the back of my mind that gave me pause, but I am so tired of everything new in the sexual arena being a BIG deal due to ptsd, so I went with it)
Well, somehow, and I know logically, this makes no sense, it's all gotten mixed up in a big, OMG, I don't think I can ever do anything but vanilla sex again. (that is not bad, but we enjoy other things) The activities aren't my heart break. I never thought I would be afraid of us, anything we do.
My anxiety has been terrible, heart pounding even when I lay down to sleep, I wake up terrified, but it's not of him. The Man hasn't done anything wrong. And it's so hard for me. The walls went WAY up. I know it sounds so ridiculous, my head knows better, but still there is that voice saying, "SEE, you wanted something that was not the norm, naughty, not okay and you were and are being punished for it." (Did I mention my mom was a bit up tight sexually?) When The Man says, "I don't know what to do for you, how to help you." I hear, "You are broken, this may be the last straw.." He told me last night that I was hearing things that he was not saying or feeling.
I hesitated to talk with him because I felt it would alter our lifestyle and well, it did. As I knelt at his feet, he made the decision.... "I have put the toys away and they will stay there for a while, maybe a long time." We will start at the beginning. Spanking is on a case by case basis." You see, I told him at supper that I needed him to come a get me. Whereas the decision makes me sad, because it is my hearts desire to please my husband, that he made a decision, that he is moving us forward has given me great comfort and solace. I don't know how long we will be here. I don't know how to get out of the fox hole I find myself in.