Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Okay... So I'm a Little Grouchy

Okay, so I'm a little very grumpy.  I am as another of my blog friend calls, discombobulated.  Cool word huh?  I love it.  Anyhow. 

I was awake for a very long time last night.  In my job, and sometimes it's hard.  I have three separate cases where the adults have manipulated the system to squeak out every ounce of assistance it can obtain by whatever means needed.  Now, whereas I may not agree with this (understatement).  I have neither the time nor the energy to chase these folks down or make them "do right,"  That being said, if you are going to do the above, do NOT create an environment in which your children disclose being hungry, not having food, going hungry or days without taking a bath.  This is the one thing outside of physical and sexual abuse that sends me simply orbital.  Even after 20 plus years as a Social Worker in one area or another, I can not fathom letting my babies go hungry.

The Man is gone.  nuff said.

I said to my husband today, "It is very hurtful when you realize you love someone more than they love you and probably always have."  No, it was not in reference to him, but to someone I love very much.  It is often a position I find myself in.  I seem to attract folks that need more, give less. 

I am also aware that I am struggling with a bout of depression.  I always do after a rather significant bout with PTSD.  It makes me sad, frustrates me, makes me feel like I've lost ground, and reminds me that it's a lifelong journey with the "Monster".  Oh Joy...  With that depression comes the feeling of being overwhelmed at home.  Much needs to be done, and I just can't manage to get started.  It all looks so overwhelming that I just go to bed.  I have been able to maintain my work out schedule and my diet for the most part.

I finally had to admit to The Man that I am struggling.  Course this is after 2 days of just ill and grumpy.  Did I mention I HATE TAKING PEOPLES KIDS?  Breaks my heart.  I'm having an I feel fat day.  I'm having an I can't do anything right day. (OH Lord this is shaping up to be a pity party)  Not to mention, a coworker convinced me of a decision that I knew was wrong and I backed down and now it is a HUGE issue that can have HUGE ramifications (please read huge payback) and I knew it was wrong and didn't trust my judgment.

*****I know you read my blogs Man of Mine.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.  I will try to do the things you have asked me to do.  We both know what I need, and I will try my best for it to be a good girl spanking.

Love Me

Sunday, April 28, 2013

And Behind Door Number 1... The Man

Okay, I don't normally do the Meme's, but I really liked this one.  It's a way for me to let the light shine on The Man so... without further delay.

1  He's sitting in front of the TV - what is on the screen?  He doesn't watch TV.  He does however watch any kind of wood working program he can get his hands on.

2  You're out to eat:  what kind of dressing does he get on  his salad?  He loves Thousand Island, won't touch blue cheese and will occasionally choose a vinaigrette.
3  The most striking thing about his physical appearance?  Well now!!  For you folks and those that meet him, it would be his beautiful blue eyes.  For me?  He has the most awesome thighs walking.  Just sayin'
4  You go out to eat and have a drink:  what does he order?  He likes variety.  When it comes to drinks, he'll pick a dark ale everytime.

5  Where did he go to high school?  Somewhere in California.
6  What size shoes does he wear?  A size 14.  Yeah shoe shopping is really entertaining at my house.
7  If he were to collect anything, what would it be? That one is easy.  He is in the process of collecting old woodworking tools.  His hearts desire is to become a master wood worker.
8  What is his favourite type of sandwich?  The one that I make and give to him.  He really loves deli meat sandwiches
9  What would he eat every day if he could?  He likes variety!

10  What is his favourite cereal?  He doesn't like cereal, but he loves my homemade oatmeal with pecans, craisins, butter and brown sugar.
11  What would he never wear?  Anything that he thinks is heavy.  He is very hot natured so he hates being hot.
12  What is his favourite sports team?  He's not big on sports.  He does however NEVER miss a game when our son plays basketball or football when he is home.
13  Who did he vote for?  We just don't discuss politics.
14  Who is his best friend?  I'm his best girl.  He does however have two men that he considers to be his best buds.
15  What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't?  He hates it when I fall off the wagon and smoke.  He also hates it when I cry.
16  What is his heritage?  I think Irish and German.  Whatever he is, he's the most amazing man on the planet.
17  You bake him a cake for his birthday:  what kind?  Neopolatin Cake.  He described to me and I made it one year.  Three layers, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry with butter cream icing
18  Did he play sports at high school?  He played soccer for a while

19  What could he spend hours doing?  Working in his wood shop or working on cars.
20  What is one unique talent he has?  He makes everyone smile.  He sets everyone at ease.  He keeps his cool no matter WHAT.
This has been great fun.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Man gave all of you a huge compliment...

It has taken me several days/weeks to wrap my head around stuff.  In the final moments of our conversation as I knelt at his feet, and I whispered, "I don't have anyone I can talk to about this honey."  The Man wrapped his arms around me and said,

"Oh Sweetheart, have you tried calling Christina or Cat?  (He knows I talk to them via phone)  Then, he said the most amazing thing in regards to you all here in blogland.  "No one who reads your blog appears to be judgmental.  I know you are a very private person, but I don't believe anyone would judge you or us." 

Me:  "Christina is grounded, and Cat's mom has been sick."
The MAN:  Oh.... Bummer for C, but you aren't asking Cat to solve the problem, merely listen, she may find the break refreshing..."  But either way, whether on your blog, in your private diary, Little Girl you have got to get this out.  The anxiety is eating you alive, and I realize that sometimes, it takes more than me to process things.

So, that being said.  I would like to tell you this is going to be well thought out.  It's not.  The Man and I are not strictly Dd.  We are not BDSM, we are just us.  We are a hodge podge of many things.  We have a traditional marriage in that he is very much the head of our home.  I am a girl with a very strong personality but also loves being submissive to The Man.

Three weeks ago..  ack.. I can't believe it's been that long.  We embarked upon date night.  It was meant to be a wonderful thing.  He had made wonderful plans.  As you know, I got food poisoning.  With all that, we had gotten a hotel room, and we were being adventurous.  The Man wanted to try something new, and I was game.  (There was something in the back of my mind that gave me pause, but I am so tired of everything new in the sexual arena being a BIG deal due to ptsd, so I went with it) 

Well, somehow, and I know logically, this makes no sense, it's all gotten mixed up in a big, OMG, I don't think I can ever do anything but vanilla sex again.  (that is not bad, but we enjoy other things)  The activities aren't my heart break.  I never thought I would be afraid of us, anything we do.

My anxiety has been terrible, heart pounding even when I lay down to sleep, I wake up terrified, but it's not of him.  The Man hasn't done anything wrong.    And it's so hard for me.  The walls went WAY up.  I know it sounds so ridiculous, my head knows better, but still there is that voice saying, "SEE, you wanted something that was not the norm, naughty, not okay and you were and are being punished for it."  (Did I mention my mom was a bit up tight sexually?)  When The Man says, "I don't know what to do for you, how to help you."  I hear, "You are broken, this may be the last straw.."  He told me last night that I was hearing things that he was not saying or feeling.

I hesitated to talk with him because I felt it would alter our lifestyle and well, it did.  As I knelt at his feet, he made the decision.... "I have put the toys away and they will stay there for a while, maybe a long time."  We will start at the beginning.  Spanking is on a case by case basis."  You see, I told him at supper that I needed him to come a get me.  Whereas the decision makes me sad, because it is my hearts desire to please my husband, that he made a decision, that he is moving us forward has given me great comfort and solace.  I don't know how long we will be here.  I don't know how to get out of the fox hole I find myself in.

Monday, April 15, 2013

What you Want.. Baby I got it... What you need, You KNOW I got it...

We are on vacation.  The Man is in training, and I have been given the following directions for the day...
1.  Rest
2.  Work out if you feel like it
3.  Check out the pool

When we began talking about this vacation, this time away, we had many, many expectations, hopes were very high, and the excitement was almost electrifying.  Then... I got sick and the monster made a very poorly times appearance.

We have had a wonderful time and will continue to do so.  It has not been crazy charged with the sexual electricity and adventures we hoped and planned.  Instead, it has been the steady hum of excitement.  I have felt loved and protected as we navigated New Orleans at festival time.  His steadying hand as the umpteenth rude person shoved me, and I declared, "The next person that shoves me is getting shoved back." (Did I mention I hate, HATE being shoved)  And his response was... "I will take you home if you do that, you ARE not getting into a fight down here, Little Girl."  He also stepped up and in front and made sure I didn't get shoved again.    We have played, I have been able to let my hair down and just be playful.

He has been indulgent, and we have talked, and talked, and talked.  I am encouraged that we are reconnecting.  We are talking about us, our goals, what we want to see, what we would like to do in our home.  We will make one more trip to maybe two to Downtown New Orleans.  I have expressed my frustration and disappointment at the monster and the level of anxiety it has caused me and is affecting us.  His response, " We are going to continue to relax, we are going to step back and concentrate on what I know works for you, excites you and works for us."

There have been lots of swats, lots of play time and one spanking that he described as... "You know you barely got spanked last night."  Me, " I know..  there were other, more important things to focus on."  I figure in the next couple of days, that spanking is going to BE the focus, and well, I'm okay with that.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Decisions.. Decisions...

The Man and I are going away.. for a whole week.  All alone, just us.  NO one else, no kids, no dogs, no friends, no family, no clients, no church members, no co workers...  It has been a very, very long time since we have had more than a weekend.  And did I mention he is taking me New Orleans?  Did I mention that this weekend is the French Quarter Festival?  Every kind of Jazz imaginable.  Authentic food on every corner AND, the gardens are all in bloom in the garden district.

I am mostly recovered from the whole food poisoning, please let me die episode.  Unfortunately, I have struggled with PTSD in the last two weeks.  Of all the luck, we were on date night and play time and the like and somehow it all got wrapped up in my mind with the sickness.  I am really, really aware this makes very little sense.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of control over my feelings.  How I handle them yes, that they are there, no. 

Anywhoo...  I have lost a good bit of weight.  We are going out of town, no one will know me/us, and I want to look sexy for The Man.  Before I type the rest, you are NOT allowed to laugh (ok you are)  It has been so long since I felt sexy, I don't know what it looks like...  I have a very sexy dress that didn't fit last year that fits this year and yeah.. I'm pretty happy about it.  Stepping outside the comfort zone was my intention (ya know without running the risk of arrest) until the whole struggle with PTSD.  I want to be able to play and have fun.  I want us to be just us, and well, I want to be his lover this week.  Not the mother of his children, not somebody's mother, friend, social worker, Sunday school teacher, not even his wife, but his lover, his mate, and his mistress.

So... packing has become a stressful thing.  I would really like to manage to embark upon our trip with out a discipline spanking because being on edge tends to cause my mouth to come unhinged...

We love to travel together.  We talk, we laugh, we listen to books together or I read to him.  My favorite is playing X-rated Hangman.  Wish me luck.  I will try to post pics of our trip.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Welcome Aboard the BandWagon Ladies.. I am so happy to have Company...

Well now, it's Springs, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and.... It's almost shorts an swimsuit season (shudder, shudder, gag...)

As several of my posts have alluded to my ongoing journey to a healthier  SKINNIER  me.  Priorities being what they are.  I see several in our little circle have taken a challenge, or asked for help from their HOH.  Now, every couple has to decide what works for them.

The Man asked if I wanted help and I said YES.  Upon discussing the issue, it was decided that to base punishment on whether or not I lost weight or gained it, ran the risk of me feeling like I was not acceptable to him.  Therefore, he came at it from a health perspective (read here, pre-diabetic, and climbing blood pressure). 

That being said, this is our agreement:

1.  I log my calories on http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ daily. 
2.  I am allowed 1390 calories a day if I don't  work out.
3.  I am to drink 64ounces of water a day.
4.  I work out 4-5 times a week.
5.  If I break this, I am spanked, regardless of the number on the scale
6.  I am given lots of positive rewards.  (whole new wardrobe after the 1st 30 was lost)

I am not spanked based on weight gain or loss.  I am spanked for not following the program that will lead me to being healthier.  (I'm all about the SKINNY)  The Man however, refuses to punish me for a number or how I look.  His interest in my health.

 His other motivation is when I am so heavy, I am miserable with myself.  I am ashamed to look in the mirror.  It affects our sex life because I don't feel attractive.  I am ashamed of my body.  I can say through this process, I am learning a few things.

1.  The Man has always thought I was sexy and beautiful no matter my size.
2.  The number has nothing to do with who I am.
3.  Losing the weight helps me feel better, have more energy and more confidence because I am meeting a goal we made.
4.  WE are in this together and he does NOT sabotage me by bringing things into the house that are not good for me.
5.  Spanking over food is NOT fun.  Spanking over food that made you sick AFTER you broke your diet just sucks..
6.  I feel better than I have in years.

So, welcome aboard ladies and gentlemen who are wanting to lose weight or make some kind of a change.  It's much, much easier doing it together...

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Inquiring Minds want to know...

I just gotta tell ya it's been a rough few days.  The Man and I are just fine, but this whole food poisoning thing has been just rather nasty.  So, the question becomes, what do you do when you just can't spank?  Physically, there is just no way in this world that I could handle/endure/survive (you get the picture) a spanking in the last few days. 

Now, let me be quick to say, I am such a pleasant  grumpy person when I am truly sick.  I try really hard not to "share" the joy and stay to myself.  However, this time, the sickness was compounded by the concern down in my heart that this may have done some significant damage to my intestines.  All that being said, I headed down the path of "distance". 

The Man said to me, "In any other circumstance, Maintenance spanking would be the course of action, but that is not possible, and I don't know what to do for you Sweetheart."  He meant it from the bottom of his heart.  So, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and sent him an email, that told him how afraid I was, and how I needed him.  I needed to feel his strength and control.  I needed to feel his care.  I received a text that said, "Come straight home to me after work."  (Yeah, I went to work....)

The Man gave me directions all evening.  He was gentle he was kind and I just soaked it up.  He helped me shower, and then put me to bed early, but he stayed with me.  He let me know he understood my fears.  The next morning, The Man did some extensive research on food poisoning and things to do and steps to take if it sets up infection... (yeah, we are just having a laugh a minute round here.) 

I am much better today.  The Man has taken over the household, the kids, and I have been his number one priority.  He dropped everything last night to take a walk with me last night.  We are looking forward to our vacation to New Orleans.  I am REALLY hopefully that I will be much better by then.  On a lighter note...  I got a little testy the other day and The Man explained to me that he had 4 corners in our bedroom.....