Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Clock is Ticking

Those of you who read know that The Man works away from home a month and is home a month.  We are down to 5 days and he will be home.  I am thrilled.  This month has been pretty trying..  I normally joke with him and tell him that the cosmos knows when he leaves...

The last two weeks of his hitch are tough because we can't communicate a lot.  His shift changes and it's not compatible with my time zone.  It is much tougher when we can't chat regularly.  This time has been tough because I have spent most of my time out of the office so that means I'm driving, and well texting and driving is a no no. 

We are growing and changing and I am settling deeper into the comfort of submitting myself to him.  Understanding that doesn't mean that I am giving up who I am.  I am exploring who I am and embracing me.  There was a time in my life when I had to be tough, strong, independent, isolated.  Whereas it served me well, it makes me weary and tired and lonely.  Over the last few years, The Man has insisted on more with his loving acceptance and working to be a man I could trust and love and respect and honor.

There was a significant shift inside of me and I can tell you when it happened.  When I had to have surgery last year and this one (I am so not interested in a pattern here).  I was in a place where I could not take care of myself, and he did.  He was patient and kind and never belittled as he was my caretaker.  Something in my heart changed that was beyond a spanking, or submissive exercises or punishment or whatever wild "dance" we may do.  I felt loved, cherished, and protected.  Something broke inside of me or opened rather and I found a very hidden part of myself drawn to him and he accepted me.  Rather I found, he has always accepted me, he was just waiting for ME to accept me.

I am excited, I am nervous.  We have much planned this time.  Rather he does, and my part in this is to accept, enjoy and love my husband.  I am ashamed to say there are times in our lives that he has not come first.  The children, my parents, my friends, work, they all came before because they "needed" me.  Well, I am finding that he needs me.  He needs my love, my respect, my service, and me, just me.  I so do not want to sabotage us out of fear this time home.  I know that he is stepping up and I am stepping down under the wing of his authority and it's exciting and really scary some days.

13 comments:

  1. It sounds like you're growing into a wonderful place Dana, and I'm glad for you that he'll be home soon!

    Sara

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    1. Me too Sara. It's awesome when it's not terrifying. I sometimes feel like I am straddling some cosmic divide. One foot on one side and one on the other, and knowing eventually I'm going to have to make the leap...

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  2. I am so excited for both of you Dana and have faith that you will not 'sabotage' anything. You have both grown so much! If you find yourself 'slipping', tell the Man immediately and I am sure he will help you. Relax and enjoy the time you have together.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. I am finding that he is tuning himself to me. Even on line, out of nowhere, he will say.. "What is going on? What are you thinking?" It's kinda eerie... but in a good way...

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  3. I found that I miss my husband more now that we do this thing we do. Our schedule isn't as bad as yours but still, it's no fun being apart.
    Hoping for a wonderful homecoming at your house!
    Bea

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    1. Yeah Bea, when things were not so good, I was like.. love ya bye.. Now, My heart longs for him when it is time for him to come home.

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  4. wishing you an awesome time together!!

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    1. Thanks Fondles.. We are hoping and I am praying that I don't do us in...

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  5. he was just waiting for ME to accept me.

    That is something I am still struggling to do. It is wonderful that you found that place. It must feel very much like standing on the precipice, sun shining down, clear bright day, wind blowing and promising to life you...you can trust that - he's the wind and he will not let you fall. Enjoy that freedom.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. June,

      I sometimes feel like Kermit the Frog, Ever heard him sing... It ain't easy bein green? Well, it aint easy being this way, longing for, knowing that my heart is tuned to his and I was made this way. Made for him, his dominance and in my submission I find the hidden parts of me.. And yes, it feels like the sun is shining down on my heart..

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    1. The time is ticking until he's home! Awesome!

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    2. Yeah.. I'm pretty stoked

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