Sunday, March 17, 2013

Can I be anybody but ME???

I know, I know..  last week I was whining about still being me.  I am here working it out cause well, there isn't another person in my little slice of the world that would understand.  For you all I am thankful.  You never judge. Never condemn, just listen and offer support.  You all, though I have never met you will never know how much that means.

My heart, it is submissive by nature.  That does not in any way shape or form means I'm a door mat cause well, that is the furthest from the truth.  I have a strong personality, some by nature and some by the making of life and the circumstances I found myself living through.  That being said, my truest desire is to please my husband.  I am happy for him to lead (well until I'm not cause I want my way.. but that's another post..)  My entire life I longed for a man who was strong enough to match me and I found him.  Unfortunately, he found me with alot of baggage.  We have worked hard and grown so very much and everyday I am thankful for that moon hangin' man of mine.

It does not happen often, but when it does, it's not pleasant, when the past rears it's ugly head and bites me hard.  I have long danced the dance of life with this partner called PTSD.  It looks so simple doesn't it?  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I hate the term by the way.  I don't feel disordered.  To me it says I'm out of order when in reality I survived someone(s) trying to put me out of commission.  Be that as it may, panic and mind numbing fear has become if not a comfortable, a familiar bed fellow.  There is no rhyme or reason to the timing of the rearing of it's ugly head and it looks at me with those piercing eyes, viscious teeth and hair standing straight up to utter, "Hi ya tootsie.. remembe me, I'm just not done with the fun."  Well, hell, how much "fun" can any one monster have?

I have come a long way, worked hard to get here.  In my not too distant past, riding in an elevator with another human of the opposite sex was totally out of the question.  To touch me from behind meant a certain checking of you reflexes of whether you could duck faster than I could throw a punch.  Yet, now the triggers are more subtle but no less troublesome.  All that being said, it was a simple request from The Man.  One that on face value should have been easy enough.  I wanted to give him this one thing.  He asks me for so little.  I thought I could, and well, I can't.  I'm just not there. 

My frustration is not in that he asked, not even that he has come a long way with me and immediately realized where I was at, and simply said, "I'm sorry, I have hurt you.  I presented this wrong and this is on me."   No condemnation, no teasing, no belittling, no disappointment, just acceptance.  Just one time, I would like something to be easy.  I would like for something that is new not to be a major ordeal, a life altering, oh my God, how fast can I run behind the wall..  Oh that's right, I don't have one anymore, so I need to rebuild it kinda reaction...  And then the guilt and shame and crushing feeling of failure is as bad if not worse than the original panic.

Fight or flight is while a necessity in a war, does untold damage in a relationship.  The flight says, retreat, run, build the wall, walk away, distance is the only way.  Fight hurls insults..  YOU did this, You wanted that, YOU didn't think, push hard.  This is where explosive emotions rule the day, and often leave both parties tired and bruised if not bloody.  I would like to tell you it wasn't there, but it was.  I can tell you that I held tight, and talked with The Man, and told him how I felt.  I didn't blame, because there is no one to blame, at least not between the two of us.  I am learning, but some days I just hate being me. 

7 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart, I know the feeling. Sometimes it seems like the more progress we make the more like a failure we feel when that monster rears his ugly head. Like you told me, the monster doesn't stay forever. Cling to the man and us, and we'll help you through. I don't know what I would have done the last couple of months without you there to support me through this same situation. Please let me know if you need anything at all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Lots of love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. T,
      You have been a bright light for me. I have been happy to help where I could. And you are right, the monster never stays in the light of understanding and love. I just get frustrated.

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  2. Dana dear...I am so proud of you...think of how you would have reacted a year ago! Yes, it is painful but you have come so far. And as T said...cling to the Man and us...we are here and will help you through.

    I am so proud to call you my friend...call if you need anything.

    Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Ya know. You are my personal cheering section and I love you for that. I truly do. I have thought today of the progress while I cried in frustration and feelings of failure. I am much better and the man has been amazing. He knew this was not a time to push through but to step back and punt..

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  3. You know Dana, PTSD is a normal reaction to abnormal experiences. It's how a body copes with trauma...not your fault or your deficit, but the proof of your capacity to survive in spite of things that happened. It's proof that you are a survivor. I hope you can try not to be so hard on yourself, learn to appreciate all that you are. It's not an easy path, but by no means makes you look like less, but rather like more. Hang in there!

    Sara

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    1. MMMMWAAHHHH!!! Sara, that is a cyber kiss... Thank you so much. My head knows what you said is true, my heart just needs to hear it every once in a while. The triggers that come out of nowhere are much fewer, but when they happen, I feel so defeated. The good news is that I am able to pull out of them sooner. Getting involved in our little community has helped so much. There are many like me, and many more who are so kind and supportive.. Hey!! Like you.. Thanks

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  4. Purge it out onto the page, Dana. We're listening.
    Bea

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