I know, I know.. last week I was whining about still being me. I am here working it out cause well, there isn't another person in my little slice of the world that would understand. For you all I am thankful. You never judge. Never condemn, just listen and offer support. You all, though I have never met you will never know how much that means.
My heart, it is submissive by nature. That does not in any way shape or form means I'm a door mat cause well, that is the furthest from the truth. I have a strong personality, some by nature and some by the making of life and the circumstances I found myself living through. That being said, my truest desire is to please my husband. I am happy for him to lead (well until I'm not cause I want my way.. but that's another post..) My entire life I longed for a man who was strong enough to match me and I found him. Unfortunately, he found me with alot of baggage. We have worked hard and grown so very much and everyday I am thankful for that moon hangin' man of mine.
It does not happen often, but when it does, it's not pleasant, when the past rears it's ugly head and bites me hard. I have long danced the dance of life with this partner called PTSD. It looks so simple doesn't it? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate the term by the way. I don't feel disordered. To me it says I'm out of order when in reality I survived someone(s) trying to put me out of commission. Be that as it may, panic and mind numbing fear has become if not a comfortable, a familiar bed fellow. There is no rhyme or reason to the timing of the rearing of it's ugly head and it looks at me with those piercing eyes, viscious teeth and hair standing straight up to utter, "Hi ya tootsie.. remembe me, I'm just not done with the fun." Well, hell, how much "fun" can any one monster have?
I have come a long way, worked hard to get here. In my not too distant past, riding in an elevator with another human of the opposite sex was totally out of the question. To touch me from behind meant a certain checking of you reflexes of whether you could duck faster than I could throw a punch. Yet, now the triggers are more subtle but no less troublesome. All that being said, it was a simple request from The Man. One that on face value should have been easy enough. I wanted to give him this one thing. He asks me for so little. I thought I could, and well, I can't. I'm just not there.
My frustration is not in that he asked, not even that he has come a long way with me and immediately realized where I was at, and simply said, "I'm sorry, I have hurt you. I presented this wrong and this is on me." No condemnation, no teasing, no belittling, no disappointment, just acceptance. Just one time, I would like something to be easy. I would like for something that is new not to be a major ordeal, a life altering, oh my God, how fast can I run behind the wall.. Oh that's right, I don't have one anymore, so I need to rebuild it kinda reaction... And then the guilt and shame and crushing feeling of failure is as bad if not worse than the original panic.
Fight or flight is while a necessity in a war, does untold damage in a relationship. The flight says, retreat, run, build the wall, walk away, distance is the only way. Fight hurls insults.. YOU did this, You wanted that, YOU didn't think, push hard. This is where explosive emotions rule the day, and often leave both parties tired and bruised if not bloody. I would like to tell you it wasn't there, but it was. I can tell you that I held tight, and talked with The Man, and told him how I felt. I didn't blame, because there is no one to blame, at least not between the two of us. I am learning, but some days I just hate being me.