Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Am I still Me?

I have to say, this post is more of a me trying to get things into perspective. 

Many, many years now I have bemoaned with my friends about "The Monthly Visitor".  Ya see, I had the pleasure of starting at the ripe ole age of 10.  So, folks it's been a long haul.  Cause well I was one of those really, really lucky folks that was regular...  I have said so many times that I wish someone could just flip the switch since there were no more children in my particular future.

However, it's here and I don't know quite how to feel about it.  See, the "procedure" I had done, has put that particular ritual to rest.  Yes, I know, I have always said that I would do the happy dance, that I was so envious of women who didn't have to plan vacations and special get aways around "that time of the month."  Yet, I find I am conflicted.  Yes, I am glad to not have the inconvenience but I must admit it has put me in a tail spin.

You see, I lived in a world that in some ways, this was my purpose as a woman, to bear children.  That was what made a woman special, we had a secret that men just couldn't understand.  The ability to know that you carried another human under your heart for 9 months, felt them move and brought them into the world.  I had this secret from their father,... you see I knew them first.

I guess the only way to describe this is, I am grieving.  This part of my life is over.  It is CRAZY, as The Man and I made that decision together a couple of years ago, but now... it's final.  I will never, ever hold a baby that we made together in my arms.  I will never be able to be able to give him.  He has gifted me with his children that are now my children.  Wouldn't trade them, they are MINE.  That is not the issue.

I worry, am I still a sexual being?  Will I continue to be?  Will I still be attractive to him?  Have I lost that "essence of woman"?  These may all sound like silly questions, but they are what plagues my mind.  My heart.  I feel like I have lost something that made me, well me.

It's complicated.  Motherhood, was always what I took solace in.  When the rest of my life was a failure, I could take comfort in knowing I was a good mom.  I worked at it, loved my babies, made sure they knew I loved them.  That was where I could say I am a success.  I succeeded in Mommyhood.

How do I explain to him?  There is the complication, he is younger than I am.  To me, this makes me feel every year that I am older than him.  I am afraid that I will no longer be enough for him, that age will make me no longer attractive to him.  That he will regret marrying someone that is 7 years older than him.  My greatest fear is he will stay with me out of... well.. obligation.  I just don't think I could bear that. 

11 comments:

  1. Dana dear...You are still the same sweet, nutty, loving, wonderful woman you have always been. You have not lost any of your 'essence'.

    The Man married you because he loves you to pieces not because of your ability to have children! He stays with you because he loves you. He agreed to DD because he loves you. He chases you around the house because he loves you. Good grief woman...we all get older and age is just a number...it does not define you. Absolutely no way in H_E_double hockey sticks would the Man EVER regret marrying you. You do realize that fear is insulting to him dontcha?

    Call me...we definitely need to talk.

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    1. Dang...blogger is being a booger! I hit to move down a line and it published!

      Anyway, call me soon as you have time so we can talk.

      Lots of hugs and blessings,
      Cat

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    2. Thanks you so much for always being here. Whether it is insulting or not, it doesn't change how I feel. It seems to be wrapped up in this process called grief and loss and change. I will work through it, it just kinda blind sided me.

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  2. {{{{HUGS}}}} My husband is four years older, and no matter how much I feel the difference at times, he says he never does. It never crosses his mind, and I wouldn't be surprised if the same is for your husband. Having a baby is a big part of being a woman... but I hope it's okay to share a few others. I have yet to carry a baby to term, one did live two hours, but still did not live, so I have had to learn what makes me a woman and a wife outside of giving my husband children. We are cheer leaders, we are solaces at the end of hard days. We pleasure our men emotionally, and physically. No matter what products are made, nothing compares for a man than to make love to a real woman, knowing his seed is going inside here. No matter if life is ever formed or not, to them, it is a marking, a longing to make her his in a way no other man is ever allowed to again. We sing and dance and entertain them. We tease them, joke with them, and make them laugh. We love them when the rest of the world is against them. We support them when no one else has faith they can rise above. We still are the joy in their day. :) They also love being our heros. It's a great confidence booster to them, and it's sexy for them to be able to rescue us in whatever way we need. {{{HUGS}}} I don't know if that helps at all, but I just wanted to let you know what I've learned.

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    1. Thanks EM, I want to believe that's enough. I know it is just the grief and loss and change that has me spiraling.

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  3. The ability to have children is one small aspect of womanhood, and as Cat said, he certainly loves you for who you are. What you're feeling is normal, the grief and sense of loss are normal. I found some resources for you:

    A New Phase - Some Thoughts and Feelings After Hysterectomy
    Adenomyosis - Grieving Loss of Uterus
    http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/articlelist_259.htm

    They have a forum, too:
    HysterSisters Forum

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks June, it was really comforting to see that this is "normal", these feelings I am having.

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  4. I felt the same way until about six months after the surgery when I found myself whistling in the feminine products section of the grocery store. Big happy dance and I never looked back!
    Bea

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    1. I think... yeah, I think I'm ready for the happy dance...

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  5. Dana, I know these feelings are completely normal. I had some of the same ones myself after my surgery last May, and sheesh, I'm 55! I hear it takes a year to get back on your feet again to 100%. I'm counting on that! I know after 9 months I am feeling so much better, but am still not totally back to me. But I am for sure on my way. I ended up seeing a hormone specialist and that really helped, but then I had a total...so was slammed into surgical menopause. You might not have those issues. Wishing you patience and health! Sara


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    1. Thanks Sara. Things are a good bit better. it has been a struggle but The Man has really been patient.

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