I have to say, this post is more of a me trying to get things into perspective.
Many, many years now I have bemoaned with my friends about "The Monthly Visitor". Ya see, I had the pleasure of starting at the ripe ole age of 10. So, folks it's been a long haul. Cause well I was one of those really, really lucky folks that was regular... I have said so many times that I wish someone could just flip the switch since there were no more children in my particular future.
However, it's here and I don't know quite how to feel about it. See, the "procedure" I had done, has put that particular ritual to rest. Yes, I know, I have always said that I would do the happy dance, that I was so envious of women who didn't have to plan vacations and special get aways around "that time of the month." Yet, I find I am conflicted. Yes, I am glad to not have the inconvenience but I must admit it has put me in a tail spin.
You see, I lived in a world that in some ways, this was my purpose as a woman, to bear children. That was what made a woman special, we had a secret that men just couldn't understand. The ability to know that you carried another human under your heart for 9 months, felt them move and brought them into the world. I had this secret from their father,... you see I knew them first.
I guess the only way to describe this is, I am grieving. This part of my life is over. It is CRAZY, as The Man and I made that decision together a couple of years ago, but now... it's final. I will never, ever hold a baby that we made together in my arms. I will never be able to be able to give him. He has gifted me with his children that are now my children. Wouldn't trade them, they are MINE. That is not the issue.
I worry, am I still a sexual being? Will I continue to be? Will I still be attractive to him? Have I lost that "essence of woman"? These may all sound like silly questions, but they are what plagues my mind. My heart. I feel like I have lost something that made me, well me.
It's complicated. Motherhood, was always what I took solace in. When the rest of my life was a failure, I could take comfort in knowing I was a good mom. I worked at it, loved my babies, made sure they knew I loved them. That was where I could say I am a success. I succeeded in Mommyhood.
How do I explain to him? There is the complication, he is younger than I am. To me, this makes me feel every year that I am older than him. I am afraid that I will no longer be enough for him, that age will make me no longer attractive to him. That he will regret marrying someone that is 7 years older than him. My greatest fear is he will stay with me out of... well.. obligation. I just don't think I could bear that.