Saturday, March 30, 2013

Date Night and Food Poisoning...

The Man and I had date night on Friday night.  He had everything planned.  He explained that he had everything under control.  I dressed for the evening and off we went.

We had a wonderful time.  Supper wasn't the best in the world.  I felt the chicken in my dish didn't taste quite right so after a couple of bites, I left it alone.  (Why I thought eating the rest of the dish would be okay is beyond me at this point).

The Man took us to a hotel, so that we could have a rowdy, rambunctious, loud time with no one the wiser...  After an amazing experience...  we made it half way home before the pain started.

He ended up taking me to the Emergency Room around 11.  I spent part of my time thinking I was dying and the other praying someone would put me out of my misery.  However, I am learning some things the hard way.

I have always been so very independent.  I have never, ever trusted easily especially when I am already vulnerable with sickness.  In recent times, I have been forced into  position that I had to trust him to care for me.  And care for me he has.  He walked with me, holding the IV.  He cared for me so that others didn't have to put their hands on me. (that is for me, not out of some sense of jealousy on his part)

He cancelled every last one of his plans today.  He has taken care of the kiddos, and he has waited on me hand and foot without smothering me.  I have explained to the good Lord that I get it.  That I know I can lean on The Man and that truth be told, I like it.  I also explained that I felt I had learned this lesson well and could I not be sick like this anymore.

On a side note, my Mom, God Love her, offered to come and take care of me and to rock me in the recliner like she used to when I was small.  She told me that she loved me and would be here in a skinny minute if The Man needed back up or a break.  It is really awesome to have my Mom back.  I thanked her, told her how much I loved her, and then explained that The Man had it way under control.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Time Has Come... The Time is Now...

Yup.. Yup...  You guessed it.. The Man is on the plane headed home.  Strike up the band.. shall we all do...

This is the hardest part...  It just seems like time is standing still, going backwards, not moving along, you get the idea.  While he is gone, I have the constant talk with myself, "Buck up girlfriend, find those big girl panties and put them on.  He is depending on you."  Yet, when I know it's close, when I know it's almost time for him to be here.  The part of me that he affectionately nicknamed me, "Little Girl", is ready for my mate to come home.  Ready to fit under his shoulder, ready to relax into his authority. 

Unfortunately, the part of me that has to hold it together, made decisions, be independent, scoffs and says... I don't think so dude...  Gonna have to show me you are up to the task..   Which is why, this is in the future...

And it's okay.   It is here that we reconnect.  It is here that I soften and fall into him.  It is here that he establishes that he is home and has taken the mantle of authority.  And well, there just isn't anything sexier than a man who knows who he is, knows who you are, and how to fit the pieces together to make a whole...

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Whew!!! Folks is it hot in here or is it just Me?

Now, I don't think I have ever, but I LOVE, love, LOVE>>>> to read.  My new Kindle that replaced my old Kindle is one of my most treasured possessions.  That being said, I stumbled upon a new author.  I have read many of the authors that I have stumbled on since nosing around blogland and have enjoyed them all.  Patty Devlin in particular was wonderful.

I stumbled on a new one this weekend..  and holy moses.. mmmmm  It was hot, erotic, wonderful, without being nasty raunchy.  They were well written and well..  wow..

Her name is Renee Rose.  This is her link:  Her books are on amazon and can be downloaded on the Kindle.  Which by the way reminds me..  Yo.. Patty, when is you last book in the series Choices gonna be available there?  Talk about leaving a girl hangin...

Anyone out there have any favorite authors that write in this "genre"?  I would love to try them out..

And Renee, you are quite the talented author and I really enjoyed your books.

Patty, your books were amazing, and I am waiting patiently...

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Clock is Ticking

Those of you who read know that The Man works away from home a month and is home a month.  We are down to 5 days and he will be home.  I am thrilled.  This month has been pretty trying..  I normally joke with him and tell him that the cosmos knows when he leaves...

The last two weeks of his hitch are tough because we can't communicate a lot.  His shift changes and it's not compatible with my time zone.  It is much tougher when we can't chat regularly.  This time has been tough because I have spent most of my time out of the office so that means I'm driving, and well texting and driving is a no no. 

We are growing and changing and I am settling deeper into the comfort of submitting myself to him.  Understanding that doesn't mean that I am giving up who I am.  I am exploring who I am and embracing me.  There was a time in my life when I had to be tough, strong, independent, isolated.  Whereas it served me well, it makes me weary and tired and lonely.  Over the last few years, The Man has insisted on more with his loving acceptance and working to be a man I could trust and love and respect and honor.

There was a significant shift inside of me and I can tell you when it happened.  When I had to have surgery last year and this one (I am so not interested in a pattern here).  I was in a place where I could not take care of myself, and he did.  He was patient and kind and never belittled as he was my caretaker.  Something in my heart changed that was beyond a spanking, or submissive exercises or punishment or whatever wild "dance" we may do.  I felt loved, cherished, and protected.  Something broke inside of me or opened rather and I found a very hidden part of myself drawn to him and he accepted me.  Rather I found, he has always accepted me, he was just waiting for ME to accept me.

I am excited, I am nervous.  We have much planned this time.  Rather he does, and my part in this is to accept, enjoy and love my husband.  I am ashamed to say there are times in our lives that he has not come first.  The children, my parents, my friends, work, they all came before because they "needed" me.  Well, I am finding that he needs me.  He needs my love, my respect, my service, and me, just me.  I so do not want to sabotage us out of fear this time home.  I know that he is stepping up and I am stepping down under the wing of his authority and it's exciting and really scary some days.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Can I be anybody but ME???

I know, I know..  last week I was whining about still being me.  I am here working it out cause well, there isn't another person in my little slice of the world that would understand.  For you all I am thankful.  You never judge. Never condemn, just listen and offer support.  You all, though I have never met you will never know how much that means.

My heart, it is submissive by nature.  That does not in any way shape or form means I'm a door mat cause well, that is the furthest from the truth.  I have a strong personality, some by nature and some by the making of life and the circumstances I found myself living through.  That being said, my truest desire is to please my husband.  I am happy for him to lead (well until I'm not cause I want my way.. but that's another post..)  My entire life I longed for a man who was strong enough to match me and I found him.  Unfortunately, he found me with alot of baggage.  We have worked hard and grown so very much and everyday I am thankful for that moon hangin' man of mine.

It does not happen often, but when it does, it's not pleasant, when the past rears it's ugly head and bites me hard.  I have long danced the dance of life with this partner called PTSD.  It looks so simple doesn't it?  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I hate the term by the way.  I don't feel disordered.  To me it says I'm out of order when in reality I survived someone(s) trying to put me out of commission.  Be that as it may, panic and mind numbing fear has become if not a comfortable, a familiar bed fellow.  There is no rhyme or reason to the timing of the rearing of it's ugly head and it looks at me with those piercing eyes, viscious teeth and hair standing straight up to utter, "Hi ya tootsie.. remembe me, I'm just not done with the fun."  Well, hell, how much "fun" can any one monster have?

I have come a long way, worked hard to get here.  In my not too distant past, riding in an elevator with another human of the opposite sex was totally out of the question.  To touch me from behind meant a certain checking of you reflexes of whether you could duck faster than I could throw a punch.  Yet, now the triggers are more subtle but no less troublesome.  All that being said, it was a simple request from The Man.  One that on face value should have been easy enough.  I wanted to give him this one thing.  He asks me for so little.  I thought I could, and well, I can't.  I'm just not there. 

My frustration is not in that he asked, not even that he has come a long way with me and immediately realized where I was at, and simply said, "I'm sorry, I have hurt you.  I presented this wrong and this is on me."   No condemnation, no teasing, no belittling, no disappointment, just acceptance.  Just one time, I would like something to be easy.  I would like for something that is new not to be a major ordeal, a life altering, oh my God, how fast can I run behind the wall..  Oh that's right, I don't have one anymore, so I need to rebuild it kinda reaction...  And then the guilt and shame and crushing feeling of failure is as bad if not worse than the original panic.

Fight or flight is while a necessity in a war, does untold damage in a relationship.  The flight says, retreat, run, build the wall, walk away, distance is the only way.  Fight hurls insults..  YOU did this, You wanted that, YOU didn't think, push hard.  This is where explosive emotions rule the day, and often leave both parties tired and bruised if not bloody.  I would like to tell you it wasn't there, but it was.  I can tell you that I held tight, and talked with The Man, and told him how I felt.  I didn't blame, because there is no one to blame, at least not between the two of us.  I am learning, but some days I just hate being me. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Whew... Lot's been goin' on in this Corner of the South

Sometimes you just bump along...and other times it seems like things change fast, and you wonder just where it started.  Sometimes the end result of growth is great, but the process not so much.  Ya know what I mean?

So.. here we go.  First off, I am super, duper tickled to report that since January 1st, I have lost 16 and a half pounds (yes, the half is important).  I have come to love salads for one meal a day, zumba and synergy. (well the last two once I got over being so sore I couldn't move).  I have 35 pounds left to reach my first goal.  (read, The Man has said we will evaluate after that)

I am being given a new opportunity at work that I find tempting.  It gives me a way to make a huge difference.  We are praying.  I am thinking and weighing my options.  I have made some changes in my work place and the stress is more manageable.

The Man is taking me to New Orleans.  WOOOHOOOO!!!!  (Yeah Cat, so not telling where we are staying...)  It is one of our favorite places to visit.  SSSSHHHH, we aren't taking kids.

And now for the changing.  I would like to tell you that I don't still feel hollow inside, but I can tell you that I don't feel as hollow.  My sadness is fading and I am feeling more myself.  The Man has made sure I understand that I am still me.  He has listened to my feelings, understood it has nothing to do with him and in his calm way smoothed the rough waters of my emotions, so that I can reason through to the other side.

We are growing as individuals and together.  It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with the reality that I enjoy being spanked.  Understand my Spank-no friends, I don't like being disciplined at all.  They hurt and much more so than others.  I am convinced it is because I am heart broken that I have disappointed either him or myself or damaged our relationship in some way.

For whatever reason I am wired that being spanked keeps me on an even keel.  It smooths my emotions, and can be extremely exciting for me.  It has taken me a long time to understand it's not a bad thing.  It's just what works for us.  This Man of mine has patiently, lovingly and through his leadership helped me accept this part of me an thrive and grow.  The stronger he grows in his leadership and HoH role, the more I am able to submit and offer him what he desires most, my respect.  That is how he feels loved, is when I show him that I respect him as my husband, the head of our home, my lover and my friend.

The more respect I give, the more he thrives.  The more he thrives, the more he gives.  It's a pretty good cycle don't you think?   How I love this Man of Mine...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Am I still Me?

I have to say, this post is more of a me trying to get things into perspective. 

Many, many years now I have bemoaned with my friends about "The Monthly Visitor".  Ya see, I had the pleasure of starting at the ripe ole age of 10.  So, folks it's been a long haul.  Cause well I was one of those really, really lucky folks that was regular...  I have said so many times that I wish someone could just flip the switch since there were no more children in my particular future.

However, it's here and I don't know quite how to feel about it.  See, the "procedure" I had done, has put that particular ritual to rest.  Yes, I know, I have always said that I would do the happy dance, that I was so envious of women who didn't have to plan vacations and special get aways around "that time of the month."  Yet, I find I am conflicted.  Yes, I am glad to not have the inconvenience but I must admit it has put me in a tail spin.

You see, I lived in a world that in some ways, this was my purpose as a woman, to bear children.  That was what made a woman special, we had a secret that men just couldn't understand.  The ability to know that you carried another human under your heart for 9 months, felt them move and brought them into the world.  I had this secret from their father,... you see I knew them first.

I guess the only way to describe this is, I am grieving.  This part of my life is over.  It is CRAZY, as The Man and I made that decision together a couple of years ago, but now... it's final.  I will never, ever hold a baby that we made together in my arms.  I will never be able to be able to give him.  He has gifted me with his children that are now my children.  Wouldn't trade them, they are MINE.  That is not the issue.

I worry, am I still a sexual being?  Will I continue to be?  Will I still be attractive to him?  Have I lost that "essence of woman"?  These may all sound like silly questions, but they are what plagues my mind.  My heart.  I feel like I have lost something that made me, well me.

It's complicated.  Motherhood, was always what I took solace in.  When the rest of my life was a failure, I could take comfort in knowing I was a good mom.  I worked at it, loved my babies, made sure they knew I loved them.  That was where I could say I am a success.  I succeeded in Mommyhood.

How do I explain to him?  There is the complication, he is younger than I am.  To me, this makes me feel every year that I am older than him.  I am afraid that I will no longer be enough for him, that age will make me no longer attractive to him.  That he will regret marrying someone that is 7 years older than him.  My greatest fear is he will stay with me out of... well.. obligation.  I just don't think I could bear that.