Thursday, February 7, 2013

I would if I could...

I would if I could.  I would take the chaos in your mind so you could have peace.  I would absorb the terror you feel when you know reality is slipping away.  I would cry a thousand tears for you to smile.  I would shoulder the pain your body feels.  I would stand in the whirlwind, listening to the wind whistle in the tunnel that leads to that dark place in your mind so you could stand in the sunshine. 

I would stand under the weight of your self loathing as you struggle to feel "normal" if only you could see yourself as I see you.  I would gladly bear the piercing pain your mind inflicts when the depression brings migraines crashing down if only you could live pain free.  I would give you my will, my strength, my determination, my drive, if you never had to feel hopeless again.

The most helpless feeling in the world is to watch my child suffer.  To know that I can't love her enough to take this horrible thing called bipolar from her.  I can't love her enough for her not to feel that she is a burden to me.  For her to feel that she contributes to this world.   Why can't my love do that? 

The most terrifying thing in this world is to understand that one day she may well decide that this world is too much for her.  More to the point, that the world would be better off without her.  And then I will have nothing left to give.  There will be nothing left, but the bitter wind that whispers her name.

I struggle to not shut everyone out.  If I soften, I will break.  If I give, I can not remain strong.  I run this race against time..  Afraid that I will not be strong enough to hold her up until she can stand on her own again.  I am so stressed, so afraid, so brittle, that every word feels like an insult, and accusation that I am not measuring up.  That I have failed in some way.  The most important way. 

I feel that no one understands my fear, my terror.  The world continues on, yet no one, not one understands this pain.. This sheer terror.  I often wonder.. can no one see?  Can truly no one see that I am bleeding to death?   How do I make them understand?  I think I could write, and write, and write, and no one would understand living with the fear that your child is beyond your reach, your help, your power to fix.  I fix things, that is what I do...  yet this is beyond my ability..

14 comments:

  1. I don't know that I understand exactly how you feel, but I can relate. I can relate to both the dark place and the desperation of wanting to help someone you fear you won't reach. It's hard to constantly wonder if you've done enough, and there are no comforting words to take away that fear. We know. We know you would do anything for your child and I'm sure that she does too. She may not always feel that way, but I'm sure she knows. I know that doesn't help, but know you aren't alone and there are people here to listen. Please let me know if you want to talk. You are in my thoughts.

    Lots of love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks. I know I sound whiney.. This is such a terrrible place to be.

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    2. You don't sound whiny. I know it's a terrible place. One step at a time and you'll find your way to a new place. I'm here if you need me.

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  2. I look into myself to see if there is a tunnel somewhere inside me that leads to you, where I can pour into you some of that calmness that fills me, where I can draw out the suffering and let it evaporate. Somewhere, these connections do exist, I believe; in some way you and I are the same thing, yet you suffer and I, apparently, do not. Or not much. How does it happen that we all seem to be different people when we are all part of the same life?

    Sorry if this is not helping you; but I will go on searching inside from time to time. One never knows what may happen, the world is a very mysterious place.

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    1. Malcolm,

      Thank you for listening and taking the time to try to lighten my burden..

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  3. If shedding tears could get a smile, you would be wearing a big one now. I cried reading this post and for several minutes after. I understand some of what you feel. I have watched people I love self destruct and they can't see how incredible they are. I am sorry you are carrying this, it is a very heavy weight. I am sorry I am not in your real life to somehow try to help you carry it.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter,
    Blue Bird

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    1. Blue Bird,

      Thank you so much for your kindness. It is a very difficult place to be.

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  4. Oh Dana - I am so sorry to hear your daughter is in a bad place right now. Yes dear, I do understand living with the fear that your child is beyond your reach, your help, your power to fix...he wasn't bipolar but he was in a very dark place. The fear, the helplessness, the feelings of failure...I do understand. But you have not failed...you are a wonderful mother. It's the horrible illness...the monster you can't physically kick to the curb.

    With the Man's strength joined with yours, you will be strong enough to hold her up until she can stand on her own again. I have faith in you.

    If I could, I'd bring coffee cake or cookies, a mug of coffee for you and a diet coke for me. I'd sit down beside you, hold your hand and just be. No need to talk if you don't want to.

    Sending prayers and healing energy to all of you.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Cat,

      Thanks. This fear, it is paralyzing. I find that I just simply can't reach out. I completely shut him out last night.

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  5. Dana, soon after looking inside myself to see if there was a conduit in me to help you, my wife (without my having mentioned you to her) drew my attention to this link, you might care to try it. I know nothing about this healer personally, but if I were in your position I would investigate.

    I would have emailed you with this info but I could find no email address on your blog or your profile.

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  6. Dana,

    I have stumbled upon your blog and am glad that I did. I am bipolar. I can relate to daughter. I will confess that I have thought about ending things more than once, but having a parent that totally accepts me for who I am and is willing to listen to me regardless of what I say or do is an immense help to me. All I can suggest is find a support group for families of people with bipolar. NAMI is a good place to start.

    Just know that your unconditional love is the best thing you can give your daughter.

    Elizabeth

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    1. I am so glad you stopped by. Your heartfelt words made such a difference to me. Thank you so much for your kind honesty

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  7. Dana,

    You echo what every parent of every child feels inside - to take away the pain. I feel for you so much more than you could ever know.

    49

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    1. Thanks. It helps not to feel so alone...

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