Friday, February 1, 2013

Honesty is the best policy.... No, really...

The Man is home!!!  Life is good.  It is always wonderful to see him, to feel his arms...  Reconnection is always awesome.  I knew.. I knew I had something to tell him.  I didn't want it hanging over my head until he got home.  I didn't want him to feel like the first thing he needed to do when he got home is "deal" with his misbehaving wife.  So, with his permission, we waited to discuss.  Now, at the time, he wasn't aware there was anything on the horizon..  Least I didn't think so anyway.

I am an honest critter, or at least I try to be.  I am much harder on myself.   Bottom line, I smoked while he was gone.  It was not the smoking that sent me spiraling...  rather the notion, that I dwelled on that I could simply not tell him.. I could hide it from him...  afterall, if he didn't ask, that's not lying right? 

I just couldn't do it.  My friend Cat was right, everytime he complimented me, or said something nice, I was guilt ridden I couldn't stand it.  So.. that being said, this morning, when the house cleared out and he came home from taking the little man to school, I asked him to sit down and I knelt at his feet, and looked up.  I stammered and stuttered, and explained my fears (however irrational they may be) and told him the truth.  I confessed the smoking (good thing I had, all three of my children had already "sold me out").  This made me feel so much better, because, I had no idea, and he knew beyond knowing that I was doing my best to be honest and come to him on my own.

Unbeknowst to me, I had until Sunday to come clean.  He was patiently waiting.  Giving me the opportunity to do the right thing, to show him that my heart is where it needs to be.  Was I spanked, Yeah.. Yes I was.  However, it was made very clear to me that it was less because I had been honest, and was truly sorry.  I can honestly say, it's the hardest he has ever spanked me, but it is also what I needed to cleanse the overwhelming guilt I felt.

He is good, he is kind, he loves me.  TTWD, it seems to be different from others, and that is ok.  I don't think it's meant to be cookie cutter.  I know I love him, and we have had a wonderful day, and even though I got spanked, I feel like I have passed some kind of major internal test.  Ya know what I mean?

17 comments:

  1. Big smiles over here Dana. You made me smile, laugh and cry...all in one post! Those kids are little stinkers. ;)

    I am very proud of you for confessing and the Man was awesome to give you the time to come to him and lessen the spanking.

    All over now...just enjoye the time you have him home! Woohoo!!!!!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks my friend.. I would like to tell you it was easy.... However, I don't want another spanking for lying...

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  2. That feeling that you have to confess something is awful. But the guilt of keeping it to yourself is worse... Which is why I have the 24 hour rule - tell him or be guilty of a separate offence. I'm proud of you for coming clean! Got to do something about those kids selling you out though!

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    1. I know right? The guilt is just terrible... And well, all I know is they ALL sold me out... go figure.. NO loyalty...

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  3. I'm proud you confessed. Good for you. I'm so glad things are going well for you and the Man.

    Lots of Love,
    TL

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  4. I'm proud of you, too. Total transparency is such a wonderful thing in marriage.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. My butt might disagree with you on this particular evening... but my heart understands...

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  5. You said it so perfectly. It isn't cookie cutter. :) And thank goodness that is true! :) Imagine if our husbands were always telling us "Well this works for this husband, and so and so's wife likes this, so you have to too." Poor guys, they wouldn't last long. ;) That is so wonderful that you were able to come clean... you poor thing though to have a deadline because your kids already "ratted" you out. I really tried not to laugh at that... and didn't succeed at all! :)

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    1. I didn't even KNOW I had a deadline... bless their little hearts...

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  6. Guilt is awful. Coming clean is hard...but it is all worth it and feels so much better after

    LOL...spanking aside.

    Glad you did it! Good for you.

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    1. I am really trying very hard to be real with this..

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  7. Oh that guilt will just eat away at you. Good for you for telling him! (and yes, good thing you did...kids are real stinkers, aren't they?) And good for him for giving you some time to come to him with it! :)

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    1. I just read your post. It seems fessing up is the chore of the week huh? Man, it was hard. I was terribly ashamed at my behavior and my willingness to consider lying to him... The spanking fit the crime that is for sure. Good luck on your "end".

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  8. I agree, Dana, that each relationship is unique. And isn't it amazing how a good spanking can purge guilt? It's like it's been wiped clean and you get a fresh start! Good for you for confessing...that's so much better than having to keep a transgression secret and feeling bad about it.

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    1. You betcha... at the time it wasn't much fun. It was the shame of failing him that was so hard. The spanking while not pleasant, wasn't nearly as bad as hearing those dreaded words... "I am disappointed..."

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  9. Because of a BUTT, your own butt was taken care of by your ever loving husband. Yes, I believe all women who smoke, should be spanked on their bare bottom. And I am pleased that your husband had enough sense, to give you the hardest spanking of your life. Because in my opinion if you give up this now this minute. You and your ever loving husband will be able to enjoy many, many years of life together. But you should also be spanked once a week, just to be reminded that giving up smoking will be forever.

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