The Man is home!!! Life is good. It is always wonderful to see him, to feel his arms... Reconnection is always awesome. I knew.. I knew I had something to tell him. I didn't want it hanging over my head until he got home. I didn't want him to feel like the first thing he needed to do when he got home is "deal" with his misbehaving wife. So, with his permission, we waited to discuss. Now, at the time, he wasn't aware there was anything on the horizon.. Least I didn't think so anyway.
I am an honest critter, or at least I try to be. I am much harder on myself. Bottom line, I smoked while he was gone. It was not the smoking that sent me spiraling... rather the notion, that I dwelled on that I could simply not tell him.. I could hide it from him... afterall, if he didn't ask, that's not lying right?
I just couldn't do it. My friend Cat was right, everytime he complimented me, or said something nice, I was guilt ridden I couldn't stand it. So.. that being said, this morning, when the house cleared out and he came home from taking the little man to school, I asked him to sit down and I knelt at his feet, and looked up. I stammered and stuttered, and explained my fears (however irrational they may be) and told him the truth. I confessed the smoking (good thing I had, all three of my children had already "sold me out"). This made me feel so much better, because, I had no idea, and he knew beyond knowing that I was doing my best to be honest and come to him on my own.
Unbeknowst to me, I had until Sunday to come clean. He was patiently waiting. Giving me the opportunity to do the right thing, to show him that my heart is where it needs to be. Was I spanked, Yeah.. Yes I was. However, it was made very clear to me that it was less because I had been honest, and was truly sorry. I can honestly say, it's the hardest he has ever spanked me, but it is also what I needed to cleanse the overwhelming guilt I felt.
He is good, he is kind, he loves me. TTWD, it seems to be different from others, and that is ok. I don't think it's meant to be cookie cutter. I know I love him, and we have had a wonderful day, and even though I got spanked, I feel like I have passed some kind of major internal test. Ya know what I mean?