So... I went back to work today. Half a day.. OMG.. I am currently in the bed. My kids felt so sorry for me they made dinner and sent me to lay down... So, in light of "hump" day.. I have chosen a few pictures for your viewing pleasure..
This was so me this morning
This was me this afternoon....
This is me ALLLL the time
Okay.. I thought this was funny..
Yeah... I love this!!!
Lastly, The Man left on Monday. I love you Sweetheart and I miss you everyday
I gotta tell ya, the last few days have been much better than my last emergency surgery. Course there was no cutting. However, my body still feels like a train ran me over. I am much better today. Yesterday was pretty much a wash as all I did was sleep.
I am going to try to get up and do some things today. Maybe.... The Man is pretty vested in me taking it easy as he will be leaving on Monday.
This time was very different than my other surgeries. (I've only had two) However, with the PTSD, I often find situations like that very difficult, and end up BEING difficult. Verbally aggressive and well downright nasty.
It was not that way this time. It was different. He was different. The Man was right there. He was very involved and he made sure I was taken care of before the wheels fell off. It was very hard to have to go without him. That was the worst part. Being put out.. knowing I was going out and having no control over it.
I was able to relax cause I knew the Man was there. When I got back into the room, he immediately went to the nurse because I was sick and hurting. I found that I didn't have to be Beulah Witch because the Man had it under control. I was able to relax. I realized how far I've come that I was able to let him take care of me. That I wanted him to take care of me.. That I trusted him to do what was best.
So... today, The Man is trying to decide whether I should be up or not... Right now, I'm in the bed. I'm shooting for sitting in the living room for a while...
I am safely at home. The Man has been the best on the planet. The surgery went well. I am not in a tremendous amount of pain, cause well The Man went to the nurse and made sure I was taken care of.
Your thoughts and concerns were precious to me. You will never know. I will write more later on how TTWD affected this day.
The Man well he is so smart. He had to go pick up the kiddos from school and didn't want to leave me alone. He called my mom. I told him later that I was VERY well aware that he picked her because he knew I would keep my tush in the chair and not risk falling while she was here. He just smiled.
I'm going to go rest. He is being very careful with me. I feel so very loved. He walks that fine line between caring for me and smothering me. He does it well, he does it with grace. He does it with strength and integrity. I love him for that...
Tomorrow I say good bye to a certain part of my life. It has been a right of passage, it has been an embarassment at times, it has been painful at times, and three times, it's absence meant I was a mommy (yes, I still count my angel in heaven that only knew me from the inside).
I am having a "procedure" tomorrow. After tomorrow, I will no longer have "the curse", at the most, a very, very light version of it. As many times as I have complained, moaned and sometimes just laid in agony with either a migraine or cramps so bad I was in a sweat, it's hard.
You see, part of being a woman, in my heart, part of my reason for being is to bring life into this world, and I'm losing that part. It's part of life, I'm just doing it early. I am almost 46 and I am past needing to have a baby at this point in my life, but oh how I longed to have a baby with The Man. We are a blended family and they are all ours. But I so longed to have a baby with a man who truly loved me, and cherished me. To make a baby between two people who loved one another and another human being came from that. You see, I love my children. I loved their father, but he did not love me.
I am being melancholy I know. There are many, many positives, and yet there is a part of me that is very sad. If I can't post tomorrow, I may ask The Man to post, to at least let my blog buddies know I am ok. My heart is really struggling with this.
Yesterday two people were honored. Their lives together, their commitment, their love and what they have built together.
Yesterday, I had the honor of giving my parents their 50th wedding anniversary party. My three Aunts converged upon the reception hall on Friday and while I decorated the place, they were creating art in their own way. I don't know what I would do without them. They have always been there.
I had a video created from 50 years of pictures and pictures of them as children and young adults, and at the end, my mother asked my father to dance. She requested the song, "Can I have this dance for the rest of my life." She sang it to him as her face was pressed to his. There was NOT a dry eye in the place as it was oh so obvious that my Daddy loves her and she loves him.
I won't share pics of them, though its precious. I am going to share pictures of some of the decorations and the like... It was my pleasure and it meant everything to me to give them the party of their dreams.
These are the hands that have loved one another for 50 years.
So, today is Valentine's Day. I have the most wonderful husband in the world. We have added two children to our home due to a family situation. My parent's will be married 50 years on Saturday and I am throwing a huge party for them. We are gearin up for me to have surgery next week.
AND that was just THIS week.... So, last night, at about 11pm after he had helped me pack up all the crystal to take for decorations this weekend... He looked at me with a bit of panic and said, "I haven't done a thing for Valentine's Day, Babe, I am so sorry." Well, Big Man, I beg to differ. Let me list what you have done for Valentine's Day.
1. You didn't hesitate when we needed to take the girls
2. You have tilled my garden and enlarged it.
3. You spent all day going to pre op appointments with me
4. You have foot the bill for the entire party for my folks and never complained.
5. You met me at the grocery store at lunch time and then took the food to the party place.
6. You went to Wal-Mart at 9pm to get bubble wrap because you know the crystal matters to much to me.
7. You have reassured me every step of the way that this party is going to be great.
8. You got up at 2 am to get medicine for my migraine and never even huffed.
9. You recognized that I so desperately need to work out and make sure that it happens.
10. You know that I need spanked for the stress relief and have made sure it happens as I need it.
You are spending the evening entertaining children instead of "dancing" with your wife because well, she is in bed with the migraine from hell. I love you Sweetheart.. You are SOOOOO My Valentine.
It had been a rough day. Due to my daughter, I totally shut The Man out. In that moment of severe pain, I wanted someone to hurt like I was hurting, so I did the unthinkable and turned away from him. I was convinced that I would fly into a million pieces if I allowed him to give me a soft place to land. So I just completely shut down, closed in.... LOCK OUT had nothing on me....
The next day, when I came to myself, I apologized. He was there, ready and waiting with his love, and dominance. I figured I had quite the spanking coming... Afterall, I deserved it, earned it, demanded it with my behavior so I was resigned.... It was to be date night, all the children gone, so there would be no need to postpone...
Then .... have you ever heard this sound....
Yeah, that is me skating baby.... A wise friend called it GRACE with gravey. Because I went to him first, apologized and showed him that I knew the damage that this kind of behavior can do to our relationship he was not going to spank me for that......
Yeah, STOP the presses... not getting spanked for that.... DROP my head because I forgot to get my prescription filled for a week..... and ROLL on over bottom in the air... It was swift, it was quick, and it was made clear that next time it wouldn't be either... Then.. well, we danced...
I would if I could. I would take the chaos in your mind so you could have peace. I would absorb the terror you feel when you know reality is slipping away. I would cry a thousand tears for you to smile. I would shoulder the pain your body feels. I would stand in the whirlwind, listening to the wind whistle in the tunnel that leads to that dark place in your mind so you could stand in the sunshine.
I would stand under the weight of your self loathing as you struggle to feel "normal" if only you could see yourself as I see you. I would gladly bear the piercing pain your mind inflicts when the depression brings migraines crashing down if only you could live pain free. I would give you my will, my strength, my determination, my drive, if you never had to feel hopeless again.
The most helpless feeling in the world is to watch my child suffer. To know that I can't love her enough to take this horrible thing called bipolar from her. I can't love her enough for her not to feel that she is a burden to me. For her to feel that she contributes to this world. Why can't my love do that?
The most terrifying thing in this world is to understand that one day she may well decide that this world is too much for her. More to the point, that the world would be better off without her. And then I will have nothing left to give. There will be nothing left, but the bitter wind that whispers her name.
I struggle to not shut everyone out. If I soften, I will break. If I give, I can not remain strong. I run this race against time.. Afraid that I will not be strong enough to hold her up until she can stand on her own again. I am so stressed, so afraid, so brittle, that every word feels like an insult, and accusation that I am not measuring up. That I have failed in some way. The most important way.
I feel that no one understands my fear, my terror. The world continues on, yet no one, not one understands this pain.. This sheer terror. I often wonder.. can no one see? Can truly no one see that I am bleeding to death? How do I make them understand? I think I could write, and write, and write, and no one would understand living with the fear that your child is beyond your reach, your help, your power to fix. I fix things, that is what I do... yet this is beyond my ability..
The Man is home!!! Life is good. It is always wonderful to see him, to feel his arms... Reconnection is always awesome. I knew.. I knew I had something to tell him. I didn't want it hanging over my head until he got home. I didn't want him to feel like the first thing he needed to do when he got home is "deal" with his misbehaving wife. So, with his permission, we waited to discuss. Now, at the time, he wasn't aware there was anything on the horizon.. Least I didn't think so anyway.
I am an honest critter, or at least I try to be. I am much harder on myself. Bottom line, I smoked while he was gone. It was not the smoking that sent me spiraling... rather the notion, that I dwelled on that I could simply not tell him.. I could hide it from him... afterall, if he didn't ask, that's not lying right?
I just couldn't do it. My friend Cat was right, everytime he complimented me, or said something nice, I was guilt ridden I couldn't stand it. So.. that being said, this morning, when the house cleared out and he came home from taking the little man to school, I asked him to sit down and I knelt at his feet, and looked up. I stammered and stuttered, and explained my fears (however irrational they may be) and told him the truth. I confessed the smoking (good thing I had, all three of my children had already "sold me out"). This made me feel so much better, because, I had no idea, and he knew beyond knowing that I was doing my best to be honest and come to him on my own.
Unbeknowst to me, I had until Sunday to come clean. He was patiently waiting. Giving me the opportunity to do the right thing, to show him that my heart is where it needs to be. Was I spanked, Yeah.. Yes I was. However, it was made very clear to me that it was less because I had been honest, and was truly sorry. I can honestly say, it's the hardest he has ever spanked me, but it is also what I needed to cleanse the overwhelming guilt I felt.
He is good, he is kind, he loves me. TTWD, it seems to be different from others, and that is ok. I don't think it's meant to be cookie cutter. I know I love him, and we have had a wonderful day, and even though I got spanked, I feel like I have passed some kind of major internal test. Ya know what I mean?