It is past three am in the morning. I'm sitting wondering just what to say. I guess the first thing to say would be, The Man is NOT the cause of my heart break and distress.
Betrayal is a hard thing for me. I think so for everyone. I am a very loyal person the people whom I do love, I love fiercely and deeply. This is often painful when dealing with my family. I often find myself wondering why I am not good enough for them to love. What is there in me that makes me unacceptable? I try very hard. I try to be a good daughter. I try to be a good sister. I am not perfect.
Yet, in a world where I am cared for by friends, and my church, I find myself consistently feeling like I don't matter. I am the fix it person. It is assumed that I will handle whatever, but especially the unpleasant things. No thought is given to my feelings or how hurtful something might be. Yet, they certainly depend on me to take care of anything and everything no matter how unpleasant and hurtful.
At some point do you just say I'm done? I don't want to do this anymore? I know me, and I fear that I am done with them. I will continue to do the things I need to for my family but any meaningful relationship, the one that I long for? Long that I will be enough, be good enough, meet your standards, finally be acceptable to you as your child.
I try not to rant, or whine on my blog and I'm just sure this is what this sounds like. Please forgive, it's three am and I'm a bit devastated by todays turn of events. The Man isn't home, I can't talk with anyone in my family about it, so as not to cause conflict in the family and frankly, I feell like my heart just may explode and I find that my throat is having a tough time swalling this pill called betrayal.