Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Betrayal is a Bitter Pill...

It is past three am in the morning. I'm sitting wondering just what to say.  I guess the first thing to say would be, The Man is NOT the cause of my heart break and distress.

Betrayal is a hard thing for me.  I think so for everyone.  I am a very loyal person  the people whom I do love, I love fiercely and deeply.  This is often painful when dealing with my family.  I often find myself wondering why I am not good enough for them to love.  What is there in me that makes me unacceptable?  I try very hard.  I try to be a good daughter.  I try to be a good sister.  I am not perfect.

Yet, in a world where I am cared for by friends, and my church, I find myself consistently feeling like I don't matter.  I am the fix it person.  It is assumed that I will handle whatever, but especially the unpleasant things.  No thought is given to my feelings or how hurtful something might be.  Yet, they certainly depend on me to take care of anything and everything no matter how unpleasant and hurtful.

At some point do you just say I'm done?  I don't want to do this anymore?  I know me, and I fear that I am done with them.  I will continue to do the things I need to for my family but any meaningful relationship,  the one that I long for?  Long that I will be enough, be good enough, meet your standards, finally be acceptable to you as your child. 

I try not to rant, or whine on my blog and I'm just sure this is what this sounds like.  Please forgive, it's three am and I'm a bit devastated by todays turn of events.  The Man isn't home, I can't talk with anyone in my family about it, so as not to cause conflict in the family and frankly, I feell like my heart just may explode and I find that my throat is having a tough time swalling this pill called betrayal.

15 comments:

  1. Hello Dana,
    I'm sorry to read this. I can understand how you feel; sometimes family dissapoints you and that's really hard to take because you love them, trust them and somehow expect more from them than from others. Thanks God for good friends, I hope you can feel better.
    Hugs

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness. It is a struggle and yes, I am hurt. I am very grateful for the folks here and my friends. I am trying to learn that they are enough.

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  2. im sorry to hear you're feeling so awful. but you know, you CAN whine and rant here. we're not always about the emotional aspect of DD. we're here to support each other in the emotional aspect of LIFE.

    and yes. sometimes i say i've had enough. of being berated. of being taken for granted. of being treated like I don't matter.

    with family it's harder. but even then i've cut myself off from my brother and his family. he has hurt me too many times and said harsh words. there have been no apologies. he feels entitled to treat me the way he has. and is self-righteous about his stands. so i've told my parents and other sibling not to expect me to have a conversation with him. Because even a greeting can turn into a war where he is concerned.

    but yes. i hear you. maybe it's time to say "i've had enough". and take care of you before you kill yourself taking care of others.

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    1. You are always so kind and supportive. I appreciate you so much. I am thinking and praying and The Man is praying about how best to handle this. He is upset that I am so hurt. He also understands that family is well hard.

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  3. Family is so hard Dana. I'm sorry you are hurting.

    I know that I have at times had to take a step back and to explain to some people I love why I was doing that. They didn't like it but some years later, they have understood a little bit better and things have improved.

    Hang in there.

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    1. The fact that my mother is so mentally ill complicates things on a good day. I can only step back emotionally as I am the only one in the family that can network and navigate the mental health system for her. I would not leave my Daddy to handle that. Thank you so much for caring enough to leave me such kind support.

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  4. (((hugs))) sweetie, I'm so sorry. I have lived most of my life feeling like this, I still feel like this with my father. All the family you really need is your Man. Let his love carry you.

    To answer your question, yes, sometimes you need to excise that which only causes you pain...like any disease (I have done that before....you won't feel it, you've already done the grieving at the loss of what should have been).

    If you need to talk you can e-mail me - ward_june@ymail.com.

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    1. It is so hard. I love my daddy so very much. He needs me and I can't dessert him. I can however step back emotionally from my mother and others who are just killing my heart. The Man is well, THE MAN. I don't know what I'd do without him. He is the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally. You have been so very generous to me to share part of your heart and you will never know what that means to me.

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  5. Sweet Dana - I know it's hard, but I want you to remove yourself from the situation and put on your "work" hat for a few minutes.

    If you were investigating a family and presented with this situation, wouldn't you conclude that the relationship was emotionally abusive, manipulative and unhealthy? Wouldn't you tell her that she was not responsible for the deficiencies of others? Wouldn’t you tell her that the self-righteous attitude of the “golden child” backed and encouraged by the mother actually had nothing to do with her but with the two of them feeding their neuroses? Wouldn't you tell her that no matter what she does, the "not good enough, unmet standards, unacceptable" attitude was meant to manipulate her and not a true accounting of her worth? Wouldn’t you say “They are not even looking at you but at how they can manipulate you for their own ends (getting what they want, tearing someone else down to make themselves feel like more, etc.)” Wouldn’t you tell her to remove herself from an unhealthy situation? That losing sleep, not eating, stressing was a sure ticket to a migraine and other health issues? Wouldn’t you tell her that it’s time to say ENOUGH, I am not your "whipping boy" anymore?

    Sometimes, no matter how much we want things or relationships to work out, we don’t get what we want. Then it’s time to say, “I’ve done all I can. It’s time to move forward without a toxic relationship”.

    Sweetie - You are an awesome wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. You deserve better and they sure don't deserve you.

    BTW – If you can’t sleep and can’t talk to the Man, you darn well better call me. You need to take care of yourself.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. I am simply overwhelmed. You are right. I have begun to step away. I can't completely walk away as I would have to walk away from my daddy. The Man is discussing with me the best way to establish better emotional boundaries. I don't know what I ever did to have a friend like you but I am so glad. You are such a blessing to me.

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  6. Dana, I'm so sorry. It sounds very hurtful. I find myself wondering if you need better boundaries in place.

    Family doesn't always turn out to be the idealized relationships that we hope for, sometimes far from it. Just last year I distanced myself from my sister. I found that I needed to do so for my own emotional well being. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I still hold out hope that they may be someday? Yes. But for now, I'm doing what I need to do for myself.

    I hope you can find peace and know that you do matter so very much. (((hugs)))

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    1. Grace,
      I am so hurt right now. It is better, last night I was just reeling from the emotional tornado that ripped through my heart. I am praying and The Man is working with me on how best to take care of me and meet my responsibilities. You have ever been my encourager and I am so humbled by your caring heart.

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  7. Family can be the best and the worst. It is where we expect to find...and we should find...unconditional love. That betrayal is the hardest to swallow. Blog or whine all you want..we all do..this is a safe and accepting place for you! hugs abby

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    1. Abby,
      You are exactly right. As my youngest often says... Home is where they have to love you. Only that isn't always true. The Man is truly my rock and solace in a very nasty storm.

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  8. I'm so sorry you are hurting sweetie. You are a wonderful and kind person. You deserve love and to be treated well. Please don't doubt that. Let me know if you need to talk. I miss you.

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