Monday, December 30, 2013

Some of the More Entertaining Moments from this Past Year

The Man and I are coming up on our 3 year anniversary into this adventure we all share in some form or fashion.  We will take New Years Eve to talk about this last year, set goals, and look at what's working and what's not.

That being said.... I thought I would highlight a few of the more entertaining moments from this past year.


1.  Let us all remember the time I broke my diet with a large M&M McFlurry which made me sick AND got a spanking...



2.  Or how about the time when I heard a statement flow out of my mouth that makes me shake my head when I read one of you have said it...  "YOU aren't the BOSS of me..."



3.  OR...  Oh Lord, I can't even believe I said it... "THAT didn't hurt."  (I know right?) 



4.  One of my favorites, right before getting spanked for smoking..
 
The Man:  I know you are sorry....
Me:  Not really.  I am sorry you are upset, but I would do it again under the same circumstances...


5.  Let us all remember my bright idea of purchasing not one but TWO wooden paddles for him to try out...  on me.....  Yeah I deserved what I got for sheer stupidity.. NOT my finer moment.


I hope that everyone has had a wonderful holiday.  Everyone at my house is eating cookies as fast as they can because they know that the "program" is about to be a way of life again...  And we all know, there are NO cookies and NO chips on the program....

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Cookie Day Success!!!

Today was a TOTAL success.  A total of 26 people were at my house today to bake cookies and visit.  I started making cookie dough last night and baking some.  A total of 17 batches of cookies were baked last night and today.  5 dozen were decorated by the kiddos.  I sent out 6 large containers of cookies with families to take home. 

My feet are killing me, my back aches, and I have never been more pleased with a family gathering at my house.  It was so good.  We talked, we laughed, we baked, we decorated, the children had their own decorating table and I simply put the icing, sprinkles, sugar crystals, candies and supplies and let them have at it.  No need to be upset, no need to not make a mess.  That was their table.  Everyone got along, and shared, and it was so awesome.  There were 8 children total. 

It was a wonderful day.  I made a huge 6 quart crock pot of chili, and provided sandwiches and chips.  The chili is gone and many compliments were given.  I am so grateful that The Man has provided a home for me that fits that many people comfortably.  The children even got to watch Christmas shows for a bit.

You know the most awesome thing?  My family and friends cleaned my kitchen.  I was not left with cleaning up a mess.  Dishes were washed, counters wiped down, and pans and cookie sheets were put away.  Everyone was so thrilled and we were a happy family today.  We laughed and shared and smiled and were able to mention the Little Lady with joy and only a tinge of sorrow that she is not with us anymore. 

The Man sent me this text after I told him how well everything went.
The Man:  I am proud of you too.  I know your Aunt would have been.

It is quiet in my house now as I sit and write this.  I can feel her in my heart and that is a good thing.  As long as she is in my heart, she will live on as long as I share her.  And now in some small way, she lives on here, because I have shared her with you.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Thinking Spot

I hate Chaos.  I really do.  I hate it at home, I hate it in my family but most of all, I hate it inside myself.  My emotions are jumbled.  I sometimes think things are going so fast that I just catch glimpses of what they are.  Have I mentioned that I don't appreciate emotional roller coasters?  I don't like it when somebody kidnaps me and puts me on it, and I don't like finding myself on one of my own making.  Does The Man spank me for discipline?  Yes when needed, but more times than not, he spanks me because I need the release in order NOT to end up with a discipline spanking.

As I have written my sweet Aunt went home to be with Jesus.  I have not really cried.  More like releasing a pressure valve when it gets to be more than I can bear.  I have come to the understanding, it is a genetic anomaly in our family.  I have cried more at church because I feel the love of God there, and it's a healing balm to my battered soul. 

I love to read.  The Man  bought me a kindle an Ohhhh how I love him for it.  (really, really love, not like..)  I have lost myself in books as it takes me somewhere other than where I am.  Which leads me to some stirred up feelings.  I love to read and I love to read books about TTWD.  I came across one that offended my little person.  Now as with many women, I brought this to my husband.  He agreed and we struggled to find our way, but it was ALWAYS consensual.  This book portrayed a marriage where the husband decided this is what needed to happen and then basically left her no choice..  I found my heart beating faster (and not in a good way) The author worked it around to where she finally agrees.  There have been times that The Man and I have disagreed on how the spanking should be, or having to navigate the world of PTSD, but he has never made me.  We went into this together.  I was so very offended by this.  True anxiety set in.  My mind was spinning, and I had to put it down.  I am concerned that women may find this book and think this is a true representation.  It is also an indicator as to how raw my emotions are.  Normally, I would have blown it off.

Worse than the chaos and upheaval is the numb feelings. The feeling of cotton in my head, walking through a fog.  Of knowing that it's there, but I just can't find a way to access it..  I look at this chasm called grief and find myself walking away from it.

The Little Lady passed the baton of keeping the family connected to me.  I am woefully underqualified.  However, in an attempt to do this, I have deemed this Saturday Cookie Day.  We will all converge upon my house and bake 10 different kinds of cookies.  There will be 5 different cookie stations.  I am going to bake a couple of them ahead of time so they can be decorating them while we cook..  I will have most of the dough made.  I am making chili and a deli tray for lunch.  We will have lots of children.  If you have a fun, easy recipe for cookies, please leave it for me.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Well Now, That's a First

After my last post, The Man sent me an email to help me put one foot in front of the other.  So, I've been at it about a week now.  So, imagine my surprise to find a message from him requesting that I update my Blog and let folks know how I am doing.  His last statement was He couldn't have my friends in Blogland worrying about me.  That being said, I thought I would put his email here, and how things are working out with it. 


little girl,

I know you are struggling. I am writing this in order to help you manage until I come home.

I want you to know that I love you so very much, and I am sorry that I cannot be there for you.  Until I can be, I am giving you this list to help. I expect you to give it your very best effort, I also want you to know that you may discuss it with me any time if you feel it isn't what you need.  This is not meant to be an ultimatum or written in stone. It is not meant to make your life harder.

-First, you are to exercise at least 4 times a week. If Dr. B does not clear you for Zumba and Synergy, then use you DVD's, or use the Gym's treadmills etc. Go for a walk if the weather permits.
(I made three times this week.)

-Second, you are to go to the health food store TODAY and get some ST. John's Wort, by itself, or in a uplift sort of formula. Also, consider finding a place to tan. I know you've had trouble with a few places. If there is one suitable, join. If a vitamin D supplement will help, get one.
(I did this that same day.  It is helping a lot.)

3. You function best when the house is clean. Tell K you need her help between now and Christmas and ask her to assist you in taking up the slack while the boys are busy with their various activities, which will probably only increase between now and Christmas. I will leave it up to you whether she is paid and how much. If you would rather, I will ask her.
(I haven't done this yet, my house is okay for the moment, but I know I am to do this if it gets to be too much)

4. Make every effort to attend church on Sunday morning your soul needs feeding. You also need time to mourn, I would encourage you to take time Wednesday evenings and Sunday evenings when you can be alone. I know mourning is not something you usually plan, but if you do not make some "down" time, it will only eat you up. Make Wednesday evening and Sunday evening planned downtime. (I am trying to do this and I will attend church tomorrow.  Grief comes at the most unexpected moments.)

5. Do not worry about M and my parents. I am not changing my position. I have made it clear and will continue to make it clear, that he cannot come here. When/if he comes to North Carolina to visit his fiance's family, I will go to see him. It will be uncomfortable, I may have to have some rough conversations with in-laws. I will handle it though, and keep it away from our house as much as possible. It is not on you to bear this. If anything comes to you, defer it to me and be done with it. There are thousands of "what if's" in this situation. Please do not to dwell on them. Also know I have gone through many of them in my mind and have tried to prepare myself as best as possible. None of this needs to fall on your shoulders. None of it is urgent. (I just needed to be reassured that he has this and that I don't need to worry about it.)

6. There is nothing we can do about your Mom's condition except be supportive and encouraging. I know you will make yourself available to you parents as much as needed.  I know it is going to be stressful.  Would it be possible (and a good idea) to have her hospitalized while they are changing her medicine? I want to help you with this stress, but I am out of my league, as I have been every other time. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. You can call or text any time. Even if you think I am asleep. If I am near wifi, I will get it and see what I can do. Even if it is just a few minutes of hearing my voice. (Called the psychiatrist and expressed my concerns, he intervened and convinced her to go back on her medication and not change.)

7. Invite B and C over next weekend or the weekend after. Keep the fare simple. Visit and remember Aunt G. Use our house for the fellowship you dreamed of when you purchased it.( We have been in contact, everyone has been sick.  I did however go out with my daughter and some friends for a girls  night and spent some time talking about my Aunt)

8.  The last thing I have for you is about Christmas. Its not so much an instruction as an idea for you to think on.  How about sitting the boys, K and C down and telling them how you feel, and what you are struggling with. I can be there on the computer, using our laptops cameras. Also acknowledge it may be M2's last Christmas at home for a while and we want it to be a good one, money is tighter than we're used to, but everyone will certainly have something nice, and Dad is trying real hard to make sure that the xbox will be here on time. No promises. Mom is exhausted, Meme may or may not be in good shape. Let's all agree to combine gifts and perhaps offer gifts of service. And lets everyone either agree to pick up some of the work, or agree to simplify some of our traditions...
(Last night was the first time I have felt like doing anything for Christmas.  I am coming out of it.)

I love you little girl. I hope this helps.
You text any time you need me. I'm telling, not asking. I will try my best to be in places I can respond.
Love Master

The fact that he read my blog and took the time to think things through, that he knows me as well as he does, that he wanted to help me, and it wasn't things there is no way I could do, made me feel so loved.  He wasn't kidding, he has seen to it, that I can text him at any time.  It humbles me.

Am I still grieving?  Yes, but the things he has given to me, has helped put some structure back.  I hated having to admit that I was floundering and didn't even know where to start, but there you have it. 


Saturday, November 30, 2013

A Little Lost..

I am a little lost.  I have spent my life working in the mental health field.  Clinically, I know what is going on.  Isn't that awesome?  I will tell you it does little to alleviate it at all.

I am a go getter.  I am a worker bee.  I don't let things get me down.  I am a fighter.  Just not right now.  The holidays are approaching, and I just can't want to.  I just can't seem to want to get out of bed.  It seems to be the hardest thing to do.  I don't want to cook, clean my house, go to work, work out, be human.  I want to cover my head with the covers and hope for a better time.

I know what the issues are....  The first year of my Grandmother's death is approaching (Christmas Day), my aunt whom I loved so very much just passed, my son is graduating from high school and will be leaving my home this summer, there are significant issues with The Man's oldest son and his parents, my mother's medication for bipolar is going to have to be changed,  and I can't seem to find it to get up and go. 

I am floundering.  this is not a good feeling for me.  I am spinning and my little world is spinning right along with me. I don't even know what to ask of The man.  He is gone, he is working, so it's up to me.  I want to ask him to help me through this muddle.  To help me get back on track.  To do something, anything to stop this whirlwind I find myself in. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I Often Wonder

I know what I get out of this relationship we have.  It has been a very interesting journey.  A sweet one, a hard one, a painful one, and a strong one. 

This last week was so very difficult for both of us.  I spent the week mediating between my family, unable to grieve the loss of my aunt and doing without my husband until I came home ready to collapse.  You see, I can't hold it all together when The Man is offering me comfort and kindness.  I can't wall it up, shut it down and remain the calm, rational being that was needed.  He gets it.  He doesn't like it, but he gets it.  So, I would come home and fall apart.  He would hold me, talk to me, and then I would fall asleep.

Not everyone understands that The Man gets me.  He gets that the morning before the funeral, I didn't need snuggled, cuddled or pampered.  I needed relief.  I need a way to release some of the stress and grief, so he spanked me.  It was not long, it was not hard, but it was what I needed.  He then understood, that I needed to please him.

But Sunday, well he knew..  We arranged time alone ( a precious commodity around here) and he spanked me.  He spanked, me long, he spanked me hard, he spanked me some more, all the time, calmly talking to me, and feeling the muscles in my back to feel the tension leaving with every swat.  It was a hard, intense spanking.  He doesn't like those.  He doesn't like that I need those, but he understands and as my HoH, he is committed to giving me what I need.  I knew in my heart that he didn't want to give me the last round that he did.  It was hard, and so very needed.  My heart broke just a little when I heard his soft voice saying, "You need more don't you little girl.."  As I shook my head yes, I felt him steel his resolve and give me what I needed.  It was a very precious gift.  And the dance...  Our Dance, oh my....  I can't remember the last time I felt so cherished and wanted and loved.  My heart was tender and hurting and he loved me so well.

It must be difficult for him.  I often find myself apologizing for needing what I need sometimes.  I don't understand it.  I don't guess I ever will, I just know it works.  The last round left me with very loose muscles and he hummed in approval as he ran his hands down my back, touching all the muscles that had been knotted.  He knows and understands.  I think it breaks his heart a little when I am so overwhelmed and overwrought, when my feelings are riding me so hard that it takes this kind of spanking to unravel me, to open myself to him, to let the walls fall down again.

Are we the only ones that struggle like this?  I wonder..

Monday, November 18, 2013

And THAT is what I love about the South....

Hi Guys!!!  I know it's been a while.  Life has been past busy.  The Man and I have just kinda  jumped in the foxhole and hung tight to one another. 

It is with great sadness that My Aunt whom I love dearly went home to be with Jesus today.  She was good, she was kind, she was my friend and I will miss her with all my heart.  That being said, the following are time honored truths from those of us who live in the South.

1.  Family gathers round.  Family does whatever they can do. (Yeah, we often talk about who's not there while we are gathering for support.)

2.  Food is the ultimate comfort and sign of respect.  A perfect example of this, within 30 minutes of returning to the home of my Aunt the first complete meal arrived.  Within 2 hours, 3 complete meals with 5 desserts had arrived.

3.  There is that one who you know if YOU call, the REST of the family will know within 30 minutes. (I think she made it in 25 today.)

4.  There is always someone in the family who has been in training to step into the shoes of the one who has passed.  (I will try my best, but hers were very big shoes to fill, and mostly I just wish she were here to keep her place.)

5.  And finally, There is NOTHING like a wedding or a funeral to make people act a fool.  My family is no exception.

As I watched my cousin throw the most GAWD awful fit I have ever seen in less than 2 hours after the death of her mother, to the place I had to intervene, my first thought was, "Where is her husband and WHY is he not doing something?"  My second was, where is a paddle when you need one, and my third was.... "Oh Man, if I EVER, EVER, The Man would have drug me out of the house, blistering my bottom all the way to the car."  I watched herself conduct herself in such a manner that was disrespectful to her mother, her husband, and La Familia.   I don't ever, ever want someone to be able to say that about me.  I am so glad that The Man loves me enough to never, ever let me get this out of control. 

In the face of that, let me say this to my Aunt.  You were the most amazing, courageous woman I have ever known.  Godspeed little lady.  I love you.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

THANK YOU RED BOOTY WOMAN!!!!!!

Today, out of the blue, I received a package from Christina.  You have no idea how much it meant to me.  It has been a real struggle on the home front, the work front..  yeah you get the idea.

Anywho...  It was WONDERFUL.  I was feeling down, low, and has anyone very read the book,

Alexander's terrible horrible no good very bad day?  Yeah..  Me and Alex.. we have been buds..


 
 
 
So, upon arriving home (did I mention I did the tightrope dance of NOT hanging up on The Man?)  There was this box, this lovely box.. and it had my name on it, just mine.  I opened it, and there was a note inside from C.  It is so humbling to me that with all she has going on, that she took the time to do something so special for me.  The Man is right.  The people I have "met" here are just awesome.
 
So C.... This is for you...
 
 
 
 
 
YOU WERE MY ANGEL TODAY!!!!



Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Memories

One of my earliest memories is of you carrying me, and telling my other cousin, that no, she couldn't carry me because you liked to.  You have carried me through many stages of my life.

The first wedding I remember was yours.  It was a rainbow wedding, with swiss dot material.  No one had ever looked more beautiful.  I couldn't wait till summer so I could come and stay at your house. Well, actually I made the rounds, Grandpa's house, your house, and my other aunts.  I remember the summer I stayed with you so you could make my school clothes.    It was magical.  We laughed and giggled, and you made all my favorite foods.

Then you had your first baby, and I carried her on my hip like you did me.  I was so proud that you let me carry her.  And then your son.  Oh man he was a buster..

As I grew into young adulthood, we became friends.  I could talk to you, laugh with you.  Your laughter could be heard throughout any house you were in.  You are the joy of our family.  You are loved.  You have been the laughter, and the jokes and the giggles.

You have been my sister/Aunt/Mother.  You have listened to me as I have cried bitterly over my mothers broken mind.  You have interceded on her behalf while understanding my feelings.  When I came home from a failed marriage, broken and bleeding inside, you loved me.  You listened to me, you never judged and you helped me to heal.

You have celebrated every event of my children, both of my body and my heart.  How many baby showers, wedding shower, wedding receptions, birthday parties have we worked to pull off.  You are an artist with food.  No caterer could ever outdo you.  We have made a great team of you doing the food and me doing the decorations.  I cherish your crystal and think of you every time I pull it out.

How my heart cries for you to stay..  I have watched you fight this nasty ugly thing called cancer for 6 years now.  You are the most courageous, brave, strong woman I've ever known.  How my Daddy and Mom love you.  You are like their child.  We are like sisters.  Now, I must once again follow your example and be strong enough to let you go.  You are like my sister, you are my Aunt, but most of all, you are my friend, and I know the time is drawing near.  I wish you more.. I wish you peace and dignity, and to know that you are so loved.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

NO Yellow Cake

Just to give a bit of history...  At my folks 50th wedding anniversary, my brother and his wife took care of the cake.  Well, the bakery did a bright, I mean BRIGHT yellow sheet cake. 

We are discussing giving my parents house a bit of a makeover for Christmas and my brother is coming up with reasons not to.  Hence forth, the conversation. 

The Man:

blah, blah, blah... The Man spanked me 4 times a week and we still found time decorate, repair the house and cook.
 
  • Me

    LOL
    with NO yellow cake
     
  • The Man
    No yellow cake? WTF
  • Me:
    NO yellow cake
    And I don't want to hear anymore about it, Big Bird
     
  • The Man:
    Haarumph.
    I'll ask our daughter in law for one. She'll take care of it.
     
  • Me:
    No spanking for like EVER if I see a yellow cake
     
  • The Man:
    Sadly, that's not your call... Bwa ha ha...
     
  • Me:
    It is if I withdraw consent
     
  • The Man
    That's a low blow.
     
  • Me:
    Just want to level the playing field over a bright ass yellow, big bird wanna be cake
     
  • The Man
    I just wanna spank your ass. Is that so wrong?
     
  • Me
    Then NO yellow cake
  • This is not hard
     
  • The Man
    other things are. Especially when I think of you :)
  • Me:
    Do NOT attempt to confuse me... NO yellow cake.. Say it...
    Say it Loud
    Say is Proud
     
  • The Man
    I'm going to spank you.

     
  • Me:
    NOT if I see a yellow cake
     
  • The Man
    What if I seduce you, tie you up, then produce the yellow cake...
    Bwa ha ha

  • Me
    then tied up, and seduced, I am going to withdraw consent
     
  • The Man
    Hmmm. that is so uncool...
     
  • Me
    And why is a Yellow Cake so important to you?
  • The Man
    because I was told I can't have it.
     
  • Me
    I get spanked for that kind of attitude.
    You are setting a poor example.
  • The Man
    Yeah, do as i say, not as I do
    Sadly, I need to run off and look at stuff. I'll talk to you later.


  • And this is one of the reasons why I love him so..  He makes me laugh...and we can play..

    Saturday, October 26, 2013

    Come Celebrate with Me!!!!

    Oh have I got something to share...  It's exciting, it's awesome, it's amazing!!!!  Wanna guess what it is?

    No, it's not a get out of a spanking card
     
     
     
     
    No, it's not a new car.  I got that for Christmas..
     
     
     
     
    OH WAIT... CHRISTMAS!!!  That is the announcement.
     
     
    This year, The Man will be home for Christmas, as will all of my children.  For the first time in 9 years, our entire family will be in on place for Christmas!!!  I am one happy mama.

    Saturday, October 19, 2013

    Hello.... is anybody out there?

    Yeah... Yeah.. I know it's me that has been gone.  I have been hunkered down the last two weeks cause well I don't know how it happened, but I  am pretty sure this is me....


     
     
     
    PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE FREAKIN BULLSEYE!!!!!!
     
     
     
    Now a good woman can only take so much..  The Man is not here.  The Man isn't gonna BE here till November the 5th.  In case you missed it, that is a long time, seeing as he left the second of October.  He is going to be gone 5 and a half weeks this time.  I was bumping along just fine till Friday.  I mean  considering the amount of just plain upheaval running around here.
     
     
     
     
     
     
    The Man is stateside, so he has a bit more time to "think" about anything and everything.  After about the third question that I couldn't answer, or didn't have the answer to, or hadn't found the answer to, I felt something like this...
     
     
     
    And I might have been just a teensy, little, tiny bit grumpy...  ALRIGHT... Geesh... a girl can't even lie in Blogland... So.. I was just right aggravated...  as a matter of fact, the text conversation went like this....
     
     
    Me:  I am not sure I like that you have enough downtime to think about stuff
     
    The Man:  It's a beeotch...
     
    Me:  For ME yes it is.  It feels like somebody else needing something from me I can't give.
     
    The Man:  Then say no.  I think there are answers though.  I guess I should quit worrying about it.
     
    Me:  Would you rather me not tell you.... Unless I know for sure.  (Okay so it was a cheap shot.)
     
    The Man:  Of course not.
     
     
     
    I did my best to remain  under the radar..  So I was at my folks house, it was Daddy's Bday..  and The Man and I were texting.. I don't know what came over me....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Me:  Daddy is on a rant...
     
    The Man:  About?
     
    Me:  You
     
    The Man:  Ranting about me?  What did I do?
     
    Me:  You know what you did.
     
    The Man:  I really don't. Or at least I don't remember.
     
    Me:  It will blow over.
     
    The Man:  Honestly, what did I do?
     
    Me:  GOTCHA.  Hehehe...
     
    Read here, very ,very, very long pause...
     
    The Man:  Not funny little girl.  You know I love your dad.
     
    I stand behind my statement.  It WAS funny..
     
    It has been a little difficult but I am doing okay.  To those of you who have checked on me, thanks guys...
     
    
    
     
     
     
     
    
    

    Sunday, October 6, 2013

    What Are You Hiding From Me?

    What are you hiding from me?  They look like very simple words don't they?  Not anything to cause your heart to flutter and your bottom to clinch...  Well, unless you are living the life we are living and walking the walk... 

    What are you hiding...  I have come to you with the sorrow in my heart that my Aunt who is like my sister is in her last days.  The sorrow of her not knowing who I am.  The joy when she comes back to us in snatches, and the sadness to see in her eyes that she knows she is at the end.  The promise I made in my heart to be there for her daughter as she has been there for me.

    What are you hiding...I have come to you about work, and the zoo, and the betrayal I feel.  The feeling that I have poured my heart and soul into people who could care less and that I am just an employee was heart breaking, and sent my blood pressure to stroke level, but I told you.  I took care of myself, and I was honest with you. 

    What are you hiding...  I have hinted at the struggles I am having as I look down the short future and realize that soon, all our children will be gone.  What will I do then?  I have been a Mommy since I was 23.  I am now 46.  The future looks very lonely.

    What are you hiding...  I have stopped and started conversations about how the dynamics in our relationship continue to change and I am so comforted that you never seem shocked or look at me like I've grown 3 heads..

    What are you hiding...  I have been honest about my fears and my feelings that  you are going to visit your parents.  It always causes such stress between us.  It is difficult for me that my husband is someplace that I am not welcome to be.

    What are you hiding...  Life is changing and it seems like it is changing quickly.  People that I love fiercely are getting older, more frail, are passing away.  I am getting older.  I don't feel old, but I do feel lost.  I am at a "what now" place in my life.  I am discouraged with my lack of ability to get the last bit of weight I want off. 

    I am concerned that I can't seem to handle the extreme levels of stress that I used to be able to.  My body simply can't take it.  I am better today, but I can no longer just go and go and go without consequence.  It's a bitch getting older...  I don't want to talk about it.  This one time, my job is part of the problem.  I am not ready to quit just yet.  I don't feel released to leave, but I do want to be able to in the right way, so that means getting caught up. 

    I just can't handle ultimatums, disappointment, or strife between us.  Yes, the stars have aligned and several things have piled up at one time, and well I'm not handling it as well as I would like and I don't want to feel like a failure to my husband.


    Sunday, September 22, 2013

    Let Me Introduce You to The Man!!!

    I finally got the nerve up to ask The Man to do a bit of an interview here with me.  So... without further stalling...

    Me:  What do you like best about you?

    The Man:  I like that I am generally patient and understanding.  Not always, but it's a strong point.  (You betcha!! )

    Me:  What do you like best about TTWD?

    The Man:  I like how it encourages me to be better, and given you an element of peace and deepened our relationship.  On the lighter side the after spanking sex is really good too....  (yeah.. what he said..)

    Me:  What do you like least about TTWD?

    The Man:  I don't like that we have to keep it secret and the social stigma that comes with it.  I also don't like the uncertainty that I still feel, but that is something I am working on. 

    Me:  What do you like best about us as a couple?

    The Man:  YOU!!!  I love the fact that after 11 years of marriage, we are growing deeper in love as we explore TTWD.  (Is he romantic or what?)

    Me:  Which implement to you like best for spanking and why?

    The Man:  I love the rose paddle for good girl spankings, and my hand.  The riding crop is fun every now and then. (I am all about those GG spankings)

    Me:  Where do you most want us to go on vacation?

    The Man:  I would like to take you to Ireland and the Caribbean, which are the only two places you have asked to go. (Have I mentioned that I am a home body?)

    Me:  What do you struggle with as the HoH and why?

    The Man:  I struggle with when to be firm and when to be understanding and I struggle with things that deserve a spanking that occur in the early weeks of the times when I am gone, because it seems unfair to wait three weeks or more for a spanking.

    Me:  What do you like best about me? 

    The Man:  More than anything else, I love how you love me.  I also admire how you care for other people.  How loving and concerned you are and how you keep the family together.

    See, isn't it easy to see why I love him like I do?





    Sunday, September 15, 2013

    Dang!!! Who needs a paddle when you have hands of Steel?

    I realized today that I haven't posted well, since The Man came home.  I have to say, we have many implements of destruction.  There is the dreaded leather paddle from the London Tanner Company that is used only for discipline and I HATE it. 

     
     
     
     
     
    Then there is the rose paddle that is for good girl spankings.  I really love this one. 
     
     
     
    (I borrowed the pic from Ami Starsong)
     
     
    We have a couple of wooden paddles, and a wooden hairbrush that well, whew.. let's not talk about those.  However, I have come to this conclusion.  The Man does not need ANY of the above to get my attention.  I swear to you there are times it feels like his hand has reinforced steel right down the bone, you know.. like the Wolverine on Xmen?  Yeah.  I think they are related.
     
    I have been spanked long, I have been spanked hard, I have been spanked a lot, but I have not been punished.  Life is good.
     
    On a more jovial note.  As all of the men in the house (two sons and The Man) were having a "geek" conversation, the following comment occurred:
     
    Me:  One of these days, I am going to write a book about living with  a house full of geeks.
     
    The Man:  It must be freakin' awesome!!!
     
    

    Wednesday, September 4, 2013

    Some Important Phrases...

    Before I say anything else, let me declare, THE MAN comes home on Friday.  Now, that being said, I have been thinking over several things the last few days.

    I keep coming back to important phrases.  The spoken language is an amazing thing that can mean many things to many people and all be the same words.  The same can be said for our life together.  Many things The Man says to me means so very much.

    The obvious, I love you, is pretty self explanatory.  I never, ever get tired of hearing it.

    "Little Girl", can mean many things on any given day.  It is often a term of endearment, whispered in my ear that gives me the thrill of knowing I belong.  Sometimes it is a warning.. Ya know, like.. YOU are perilously close to the line.  Sometimes it is said in comfort to let me know that he's got me, and I am safe.

    Then there's,  "That would go so poorly for you."  Yeah, sometimes I get that, sometimes I need a little demonstration.

    Then there's the non verbal cue of the eyebrows going up, then down, which is affectionately what all of us on my side of the fence call, THE LOOK.

    Oh wait, let's not forget, "Do I make myself clear."  I really hate that one, I'm not stupid, and he KNOWS I'm not stupid.  He does however KNOW I am rebellious on occasion and this statement is made to tie up any and ALL loopholes.

    My favorite one this week is, "I am proud of you.  I don't think I tell you that enough."  Those words, those words for me and the most amazing thing.  That means I have done something or acted in a way that he finds above the love he has for me.  That I have shone in some ways in his eyes and it thrills my soul.

    One that I struggle with because I don't see it at all is, "You are beautiful."  He means it from the bottom of his heart.  It embarrasses me, and makes me uncomfortable because when I look at me, all I see is flaws.

    But more than any of these, is the one that gives me such a secret thrill and makes me all girly goo inside is, "You are mine."  And yes, yes, I am.

    Tuesday, August 27, 2013

    Go Big or Go Home!!!!

    I gotta tell ya.  It's been a tough day.  I feel like my son when he was in 1st grade and he was asked how many rules he had broken that day and he said, "Pretty much all of them Mom."

    What I did was not intentional.  It was not out of rebellion and I think maybe that makes it so much worse.  Those of you have read my blog regularly know that my daughter has a form of high functioning autism/ and bipolar.  There are many of us in blogland who have children with challenges.  It's heart breaking.  She is spiraling right now.  Her level of depression is the worst I have seen in quite some time.  I have watched the downslide feeling helpless to ease the fall.  I have known for several days that it was this bad.  I didn't tell The Man.  When she gets this way, the only thing I can think of is to protect her from everyone because see, I can't protect her from herself. 

    We ended up in a very stressful discussion last night over her, and I panicked.  I struck out.  I tried to put it off on me that I wanted to wait for him to make the decisions was wanting to make instead of just telling him that she is spiraling and can't handle anything else.  I tried to make it his problem, or mine, or anyone but hers. 

    I had to tell him this morning how bad things are.  He immediately adjusted his decisions, we came up with a plan together.  I knew what I had to do.  I told him that I was sorry and thanked him for changing his mind.  I knew that I had totally crossed the line.  The texts went like this:

    Me:  Yes, Thank you for understanding about_______
    The Man:  You'll notice that when I have all the facts, I make better decisions.
    Me:  I know I am in trouble and it's deserved.  I need to remember that I don't need to protect her from you.

    We talked on the phone later in the day.  He reminded me that I needed to learn in my heart that he was not her enemy.  That broke my heart, cause it let me know that he wasn't angry, or frustrated.  I had hurt him.  I asked how much trouble I was in and he said we would discuss it when he gets home that he wants me to relax.

    The guilt I feel is terrible.  A fight is one thing, but to know that I have hurt him, let him down, made him feel less than, just about kills me.  he is gone and will be gone till the 7th.  In one fell swoop I managed to be dishonest, disrespectful, dangerous, and distance and all when I didn't intend to.  I just needed to protect, to fix, to shield.  I am not making excuses, because there are none.  The heaviness in my heart is much, much worse, than a spanking.  I deserve it, and a large part of me needs to make amends, and to clear the air so I can let go of this guilt.

    Sunday, August 25, 2013

    It Aint All Sunshine and Roses...

    Well now, I'm just miffed.  I'm aggravated, and I'm offended.  I know he didn't mean for this to happen and that well helps some...

    I am expected to be honest.  I am spanked if I'm not honest.  I am spanked if I keep secrets.  I am spanked if I withhold information.  You get the idea.  So, it's okay for him to do this?  The tough part is I understand why he withheld the information to a degree.  He came into possession of information that he determined might make things difficult for me and all parties involved, so he kept it to himself.

    Last night, this information, NO, part of this information was given to me, but not all of it.  It was not meant to be hurtful, but it was like I was being taunted.  Oh look, I have this information.. isn't it nice?  Oh no, I have no intentions of telling you the rest of it.

    Now, the way my mind works, I am going to mull it over, try to work it out, wonder about every SINGLE person in my world who could possibly have had a hand in said situation.  Because THAT is the way my mind works.  That's how I roll...

    It makes me feel like a child.  Like someone who is not trustworthy, or capable of handling said information.  And if he truly felt that way, FINE, just don't tell me any of it.  Oh wait, that's not quite right..  cause well I'm held to a completely different standard now aren't I?  And at this point, No, I don't want the rest of the information.  I wanted to be trusted enough in the first place.

    Friday, August 23, 2013

    Hellooo!! Am I the only one?

    As is my way, I have to process things.  It brews in my mind, I examine it from every angle, take it apart, play it out in my mind, consider the pros and cons (okay I worry it to death, geez).

    The Man and I have come so far in the last two years.  It is amazing.  There is more harmony, joy and affection between us, I feel more safe and secure than any other time in my life, and the air of confidence and pride that is obvious in him humbles me.

    It's me I struggle with.  My feelings, my fears, my insecurities.  I don't want to lose me.  My desire to please, to be submissive to him is a driving force in me that is true.  I don't want to be a door mat.  I want my opinion to matter.  I love feeling cherished and taken care of, but don't ever want to be treated like I am incompetent.

    I struggle with whether or not I have the right to lose my temper.  I am human, things aggravate me.  Things that are done over and over and over again.  I know in my household of ADD, ADHD, and Autism that none of them intentionally do the things that drive me up the wall, but man... Some days, it's just the last straw for something not to be put back where it belongs in my kitchen.  So how do I lose my temper without getting a spanking?  And if I hold it in am I not being dishonest?  And if I do hold it in, then I am just seething inside.

    How do I come to terms with what feels like two people living inside me?  I am a strong woman.  Professional, mother, daughter, Christian believer, best friend on the one hand.  On the other hand, I have desires that are certainly on the kinky side to say the least.  I work hard, and play hard.  I am an intensely private person.  I was raised with a very.. well repressed is a good word.. mother.  I  don't fear The Man.  I fear my own feelings, and desires.  I shy away from the things that I long for, yet return to them.. 

    The thought occurred to me last night.  In this vast Blogland, I can NOT be the only one that struggles with or has.  We are all different and lead our lives differently, yet we have things in common.  How have you guys handled things like this?

    Sunday, August 18, 2013

    HELLO MONDAY.... BRING IT ON!!!!!





    

    For your viewing pleasure...

     
     
     
     
     
    TALK ABOUT LOW SELF ESTEEM
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    YEAH BUDDY...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    I SO UNDERSTAND THIS
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    YA KNOW....I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS!! 
     
    WE'RE ALL TWISTED!!!
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    AND LASTLY....
     
     
     
     
     
    HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!!!
     
     
     
     

    Thursday, August 15, 2013

    Wow!!! Who jacked the speed on Life's Merry-Go-Round?

    There are times when I don't feel like I have anything to write about, or that I don't want seem a whiner.  This is not the case right now.  I feel like I have so much to say, to process that I could write a book.

    First of all.  I don't know about the rest of you.  I don't know if you have ever had this experience/ aha moment, epiphany, light bulb moment.. you get the idea.  The Man is honorable, trustworthy, funny, and so many things.  However, the other day I had this revelation.  He is a man that I can admire, not just respect and love but admire.  Especially in one major area that is a very weak one in me.  His ability to remain calm and not throw a fit when emotions are high or he is angry or something is extremely aggravating.  You get the idea.  This is a man who I can follow.  I so admire that quality in him, and am growing to understand how much I need that quality and how much that quality filters to me and how he deals with me.

    Things like when going on a trip is change for me.  Even when it's a good change and I want to go and am excited.  I get anxious and stressed and well, for example, last time we went away, I threw the kindle and came close to throwing the computer, and was so frazzled.  Instead of spanking me, (okay so I rode so close to the line that my bottom cheeks were clinched in preparation) he took my face in his hands and spoke calmly and finally came to stand beside me, to remind me he was right there, and that IF I threw the computer it was not going to go well.

    Or understanding that I needed to spend time with my Aunt whose life is drawing to a close, even if it is your last day home and holding me in an attempt to absorb some of the pain in the face of losing a woman I love like a sister.

    Your ability to be respectful even when you are livid is so admirable.  When things go wrong, and don't go your way, you still are able to be respectful to others while getting your point across.  Yeah, I suck at this, and I know it.  I just want you to know that your example has helped me to improve in this area so very much.

    The fact that for the first time, I considered sharing our lifestyle with a friend who is hurting in their relationship, and I really think that Dd may help them.  The fact that you know me so, so very well, that you answered my questions and concerns before I voiced them, giving me permission to share, and understanding my need for privacy.  Your calm assurance that we have nothing to be ashamed of, and being so proud of our progress just thrilled me.

    And finally, I admire the fact that you have never, ever spanked me in anger.  Not one time, not ever.  You don't yell at me, and you calmly and with assurance meet this need in me.  You love me enough to step outside of your own comfort zone and spank me to the level of intensity that I need to release this caldron of emotions that are swirling under the surface. 

    Yeah, life is pretty exciting round here right now.. Kinda like getting on the Merry go Round only to find out that the playground bully has cranked up the speed and all you can do is hang on and hope that he gets tired....

    Sunday, August 11, 2013

    A Weekend Just for Us

    The Man took me away.  He took my cell phone, and computer.  He didn't take his computer.  We went away to the mountains, to a cabin and spent the weekend just us.  We went hiking, we played board games, and just talked, just us.  We read some, played some, danced some, and loved much. 

    I have been given the okay to put up some pics of our weekend.  We love the outdoors and most of these places hold childhood memories for me.

     
     

    For whatever reason these butterflies were all in one place
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Looking Glass Falls
     
     
     
     
    Pisgah National Forest
     
     
     
    I would recommend taking time to reconnect.  Even if it's a day trip.  No phones, no computers.  Just you and your partner.  
    
    

    Monday, August 5, 2013

    What to Do? What to Do?

    You were not perfect parents, and neither am I.  Yet, you are my folks and I love you.  As you are entering your later years and you need more help, sometimes I am at a loss.

    I am at a loss of how to help you mom not spin into another bipolar cycle where you lose more and more pieces of yourself.

    It pains me that the only way I can protect you from yourself is to no longer keep your secrets.  It shames me that I can't allow myself to trust you anymore when I suspect you are beginning to spin and I have to check up on you.

    I am at a loss Daddy.  I am at a loss of how to help you and save your pride.  I know that your pride is all you have left.  I know your mind is slipping.  I know your health is sliding.  I know you are terrified and sad. 

    I made a promise and I meant it then and I mean it now.  I will do everything in my power to take care of you, to protect you and if that means protecting you from my brother then so be it.

    I understand that they are "our" parents.  Well, I understand they birthed you.  Where have you been?  You checked out.  Even when you came back home, to live closer, you have checked out.  What right do you have to speak harshly to my folks?  What right do you have to disrespect them or act like they are a burden?  They are not YOUR burden.  You are not here.  You can't even manage to visit your parents.

    You are the golden child to my Mom.  ACT like it.  I will honor their wishes and have your name on paperwork that it has taken me years to get them to agree it is time to sign.  However, do not be fooled, I will not allow you to do things against their wishes.  Shame on you.  Shame on you that you have become a bully who is ashamed of where you came from.  They have such pride in you and I will do whatever I can to keep them from realizing what an empty, shallow man you have become.

    I know, it's not a pretty post.  It's not a pleasant post.  I know it's ranting.  I can not share this with anyone outside of The Man.  I will not cause family friction.  It has boiled and stewed to the place that if I don't spew some of this out, I'm going to end up with a spanking and not a pleasant GG spanking.  Thanks for listening.  I would like to say that I am angry, but in truth.. I am simply heart broken and disillusioned that someone I thought of a my hero doesn't even have feet of clay.

    Tuesday, July 30, 2013

    Humor is good for the Soul... and other parts...

    Sometimes I just feel like us girls need a pick me up.. Something to smile about, ya know?  So in honor of that, I present to you...


    I know wishful thinking for most of us who have chores and schedule to keep.



    One simply MUST be proud of ones heritage don't you think?




    This will NOT work with your HOH...


    I mean really?  With all the silent killers, I simply must agree...  Notice it doesn't say anything about NOT doing it causing a very RED bottom...






    And Last but not least.....




    When I showed this to The Man, his response was.. "That is easy, you would never know if you were talking about the vacuum cleaner or your wife if you called it that."

    Saturday, July 27, 2013

    You Aren't Being Punished....

    We had a very stressful situation at our house on Thursday evening.  To me, there just isn't much worse than conflict or confrontation with people you love and care about.  The Man and I had a meeting with some folks that we care about in order to discuss some very important issues.

    My main concern was that I not conduct myself in a manner that would embarrass my husband or call into question his authority in our home.  There is nothing worse to me than behaving in such a manner that people think things like.. "Man, he needs to get his wife in line."

    It was a very emotional night and at the end of it, I just simply shut down and withdrew.  The next morning I woke up a bit like this....

     
     
     
     
     
    I was made to get up and take a shower...  I whined, I complained, and I went.  He washed my hair.  I love that, I mean I really love that.  There just isn't much better than him taking the time to massage my scalp and wash my hair.  After the shower, we just snuggled for a bit, then he went to the couch, and bid me come to him.  I stammered, I stuttered, and then I went.
     
    This is where I heard...  we are going to do maintenance.  You aren't in trouble... Yet.  You aren't being punished.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized that you were avoiding me last night.  I didn't understand how emotionally torn up you were until it was too  late.  We talked about my level of anxiety last night and this morning.
     
    So, spanked I was and centered..  We had a wonderful day together.  All I can say is the word though small can be a pretty big motivator.... Yet...

    Sunday, July 21, 2013

    Because I need it...

    Because I need it, you came home and saved our pool.  Tired, weary, you completely redid the plumbing and made a plan to fix the erosion that has been caused from the bombardment of rain we are currently suffering.



     
     
    Because I need it, you spent your first night home in a hotel so you could drive me back from staying up all night with a cranky baby after medical testing.
     
     
     
     
    Because I needed it, you helped me get ready for our friends to come over for dinner and took great joy in the fact that I spent time with my friend laughing till we cried..
     
     
    
     
    
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Because I needed it, you put me over your knee and spanked me.  Because I needed it, you spanked me harder than you like.  Because I needed it, when my hand slid down to find yours, while you were pushing my limits, your hand was right there.  It was warm, strong, firm, much like you.
     
     
     
     
     
    And this morning, because I need it, while I was sleeping, you pulled weeds in my flower bed.  I love you darling, with all my heart..
     
     
    
    
    

    Wednesday, July 17, 2013

    All Giddy and Stuff...

    In case you guys aren't keeping up with it (and why would you?)  The Man comes home TOMORROW!!!  This week has been really tough and I was doing really well.  Home stretch, eye on the prize and then...  He said something awful, so terrible.. I don't even know if I can repeat it...

    It was totally uncalled for, unbelievable.  Are you ready for it?  Brace yourself...  Make sure you are alone...









    He said,  "It's bedtime, Little Girl."   I know, I know, it was terrible... and well, so was I .  I threw a mini tantrum, and went to bed fuming, woke up hateful.  Felt justified and RIGHTEOUS in my anger, and then...    I got this email.  He had written it in the night.  You know when I was fuming?

    little girl,
     
    I know the house has you down, and it is wearing on you. Do what you can but do not push yourself. Take care of yourself first. I will try very hard to get the yard in order quickly. I will discuss with your what your priorities are. Then I will grab up my team and we will do our very best to set everything to rights. I assume you want me to start with the pool. I will, and then I will work toward the rest just as fast as I can.
     
    I want to get things around the house done. I want it a place you can be very proud of. I'm excited to have company over Saturday. It will be good to open our house for fellowship and rest. This, after all, is one of the things we wanted a house for.
     
    I hope you slept last night.
     
    Today is my last working day. I'm super-excited to get home to you.
     
    I love you. Always and forever.
    Love The Man
     
     
    I felt crummy, and well for the first time when I apologized and he readily forgave me, it wasn't enough for me.  My attitude was not okay.  For the first time, I explained to him that I didn't feel that I deserved a good girl spanking and that I felt terrible for my actions and attitude.  Then he said the most awesome thing.  "We will discuss it when I get home.  I intend to restore our roles, and you will feel much better after some time over my knee.  I don't intend to punish you, but I will be firm and loving and intense." 
     
    Then today, the gloom lifted..  I made a fool out of myself in front of a foster parent.  We were driving in the car and I got the text that said he was off the rig.. and  said, "OH, that's my baby."  She just giggled and I blushed.  Then, I was cleaning in the house in his shirt and came to myself shaking my booty and singing...  Life is good and I will be so glad to see his face..

    Monday, July 15, 2013

    Whose Measuring Stick Should I be Using...

    I watch women with poise, charm, grace and style.  I am jealous.  I have spent a good bit of my life longing to be something I'm not.  It's not always the same thing, sometimes it changes depending on the situation.  I have always wanted to be skinny, and when I was younger I wanted to be popular.

    I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my mom to want me for a daughter instead of something I couldn't quite obtain.

    I wanted to be enough.  I wanted to be good enough for my first husband to love me for who I was and not someone he could damage.

    I have spent a lot of time hiding.  Hiding my feelings, my fears, my desires, my dreams and longing for someone to see the real me.  

    I went for a visit this weekend.  I went with my Daddy to see my older brother and his wife.  If you remember from a previous post, she is everything my mother ever wanted in a daughter.. and I am not.  Their home is beautiful, beautiful things, beautiful furniture, beautifully decorated, in a beautiful neighborhood, and I was scared to sit on the furniture.  There are many reasons why it's "all about the stuff".  Reasons I understand and it breaks my heart.  I looked around and thought..  how sad if this is all you have..... stuff.

    I have never felt like I measured up to "the golden" child.  Yet, I look around and I have a thriving relationship with all of my children.  I have deep friendships that I cherish.  I fit into my Daddy's family and am loved.  Our home is not a showplace, it is a home.  It is a place where people feel comfortable to sit down, kick their shoes off and make themselves at home.  We laugh here, we play here, we love here and yeah.. we spank here..

    I have been on this weight loss journey for a while now.  I have lost 45 pounds and 4 sizes.  Yet, I still feel the need to lose one more size.  I have a goal.  I want to reach it, but why?  Is it to be healthy or because I feel like I don't measure up to what society would tell me is beauty?  I don't have the answer for that.  The Man loves me and has made it very clear to me that I was beautiful whatever size I was or am, and he means.

    I suck at decorating.  I just do.  I can paint, and furniture is a knack for me.. but putting things on the wall or what looks good together.. I just suck at it.  I don't like clutter.  I love my home, I am wanting to make it more ours.. but I don't want all that clutter.. Dear God, dusting must be a full time job for my SIL.

    I want to be a good wife.  Submissive, and obedient..  Yeah..  working on it.  I can be stubborn, obstinate and down right cranky.  I can be quick to criticize and when backed into an emotional corner..  Katie bar the door.. it's just down right ugly.

    Yet, whose measuring stick am I using?  And whose should I use.  I just know that I am so very tired of hiding things.  It's is time consuming.  I am many things to many people, and most of them not the same.  When do I get to just be me?