I love the underdog... I love the movies where the men have courage, honor, determination, a spine of steel and a heart full of compassion. So I married one.
It has taken me almost two months to process and settle down some things that happened when my mother was in the hospital. To be short and sweet, she said something that devastated me. Over the years, there are periods of time that I come to terms with the fact that I am NOT the chosen child. My mother, who does the best she can, needs me MUCH more than she loves me. As long as I keep that in the FRONT, very front of my mind, I am okay. It's when I forget that she has the ability to wound me so deeply. There are times I can do nothing for the little girl inside me who will forever desperately wish her mother could love her and accept her.
You see, I am not dainty. I am not prissy. I am not a socialite. I am not elegant. A good analogy is, I am not a thoroughbred. I am a clydesdale. I can get the work done. I am loyal, but I'm not a show horse... I will never be what my mother wanted in a daughter and as long as I remember that, we can be okay. I love my mom. I am devoted to both her and my Daddy.
Enter The Man. In retrospect (thanks Cat) I can see that he was just desperate for his wife to have some relief. There were some very hurtful things said. He was sure the only way to relieve stress was for me to quit my job... Well, folks, let me tell ya... It's the only sanity I get. Not to mention, they like me there, they appreciate me, they are a positve force in my life. I am good at what I do. I feel good about what I do there. I feel competent there.
After ALOT of just icky... This is what I have seen in the Man this month home. He has been kind. He has been generous. We haven't talked alot about things. He has SHOWN me. He has pursued me. He has done the things that matter to me. Like keeping the house clean. Letting me know that he listened to what I said and made sure I knew my feelings mattered. He has been on top of his game and I have been spanked as needed and he has made sure that I know that I am his number one priority.
No, he's not Sly, he's not Rob Roy, or Mel. He's much better. He's mine. He has been decisive, and the most humbling thing, he has said when he was wrong and we have worked to make changes. It takes such courage to admit when you missed the mark. But, ya know what? His willingness to be that vulnerable has paved the way for me to do the same. Therefore, we are no longer in some kind of gridlock from hell, we are working together and that is awesome.