I had a rather disheartening day in court on Tuesday. I left feeling frustrated and that I had not been the advocate that I should have been for those I am representing.
I chafed at feeling like kids were sacrificed in order to keep everyone else in the picture happy.
Then today... I "saw the light" so to speak. When speaking with one of the supervisors, and trying to explain my thoughts and feelings on the matter and listening to her reasoning I felt worse than ever. It was explained to me that we were keeping "the law" happy.
She went on to explain that she simply couldn't operate from "that" place. I looked puzzled as she said, "When you start a statement with "I feel". I start mine with, "I think". In order to do this job effectively, you must divorce your feelings and deal logically. YOU lead with your feelings and that is okay for you... and then she realized what she said, and tried to correct herself saying she had feelings as well.
I was and am very offended. I am not an emotional basket case that can't or won't operate from a logical stand point. Then the light went off. I am passionate, I care. I want what is best for these kids. I am willing to open my heart to them and work hard for them and their families. I don't wanna be like her.
I respect her, (maybe not so much today) however, I don't ever want to be able to divorce or put my feelings in a box to the extent that I am willing to sacrifice a child to make the "law" happy or the parents or the attorneys. Our job is to advocate for these children and stand for them. I am on my way out, this is true, I pray daily that God will give me the strength to stand strong till I am able to walk away.