Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Is it Me? Or is it Him? Or is it Us?

Something changed.  Is it me?  Maybe.  Is it him?  Possible.  Is it us?  More than likely.

All I know is we are walking deeper into TTWD and it's all good.  Not always comfortable, but good.  I feel his love daily.  I feel his strength like a silent guardian.  His compassion has been like a comfortable chair I can sink into when I am tired and emotionally overwhelmed.

In this transition, shift of power, settling of submission, I have become more able to tell things.  Things that I wouldn't normally tell him out of protection for one of the kids, my parents, job, or friends. (read in here ---hiding)  When he showed me that he was willing to listen to me and hear what I have to say.. Something shifted.  The walls I often build have begun to crumble.

I was able to say to The Man.  "I need you to do something for me."  "I need you to give me a task to do daily.  I need to feel your authority and assistance with prioritizing."  I have had a daily task.  Sometimes a chore, sometimes a thought provoking scenario, sometimes a mental exercise, but all meant to help us grow.  I find I want to do a good job, not because I have to but because he wants me to.  I asked him for this and he is being very thoughtful in what kinds of things he asks me.

He has really stepped up with things like bed time so I can rest, setting boundaries for my loved ones and his so very strong, compassionate support of my job.  I needed to know I mattered, that my feelings were important and that I mattered enough to be pursued, and cherished and protected.

I am submissive by nature.  I have a very strong personality, but my need to please my husband is a driving force within me.  Doesn't mean I don't chafe at his authority sometimes.. Did I mention I like my own way?  Yet in his authority I find safety, I find security, I find.... me.

So is it me?  Is it Him?  I think most likely it's US and that is a good thing.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Tis the Season to be Jolly... Whoa.....

NOW, it's time to start getting ready for christmas.  The turkey has been stuffed and eaten, and the live Christmas trees have come down from the higher mountains.  To help us get into the "mood" I am posting some pics for our chuckle pleasure...  Hey.. gotta relieve the stress from the season...





Hope you guys enjoyed the "Kick off" to the season....


Saturday, November 24, 2012

How You've Grown....

The Holiday has been good.  All of my children were in one place for several days at a time.  My parents are doing well, and the only down side is The Man was not here.

My oldest son and his wife came in for the holidays.  The holidays are a very difficult time for my daughter and I was so appreciative of him stepping in and taking time to give me a break from the emotional mine field that often accompanies this time of year.

Simply put,  "sugar Man" you are my first born.  When I looked at you, I thought... "I will never love another human being like I love you."  Well, any mother or more than one child, knows that isn't true.  I love them all the same amount, but differently as they are all different.

You have given my such joy.  And even though you will never read this, I just have to share that you are such an amazing young man.  You are soft spoken, and even though you are over 6 feet  tall, when I look at you I see that sweet faced little boy with shining brown eyes who saw the wonder in everything in your world.  You still see the world, only now you are looking for a way to make it a better place.

Your love for your sister is such a sweetness to me that it is often hard to breathe when I watch you with her.  You are consistent and strong with compassion.  Your loyalty to those you love is strong and large.  Your love for your grandparents is a precious jewel that is hard to find and rare in it's beauty.

So...  this is our song..  How I love you...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

And the Light Bulb Went off...

I had a rather disheartening day in court on Tuesday.  I left feeling frustrated and that I had not been the advocate that I should have been for those I am representing.

I chafed at feeling like kids were sacrificed in order to keep everyone else in the picture happy.

Then today...  I "saw the light" so to speak.  When speaking with one of the supervisors, and trying to explain my thoughts and feelings on the matter and listening to her reasoning I felt worse than ever.  It was explained to me that we were keeping "the law" happy. 

She went on to explain that she simply couldn't operate from "that" place.  I looked puzzled as she said, "When you start a statement with "I feel".  I start mine with, "I think".  In order to do this job effectively, you must divorce your feelings and deal logically.  YOU lead with your feelings and that is okay for you...  and then she realized what she said, and tried to correct herself saying she had feelings as well.

I was and am very offended.  I am not an emotional basket case that can't or won't operate from a logical stand point.  Then the light went off.  I am passionate, I care.  I want what is best for these kids.  I am willing to open my heart to them and work hard for them and their families.  I don't wanna be like her.

I respect her, (maybe not so much today) however, I don't ever want to be able to divorce or put my feelings in a box to the extent that I am willing to sacrifice a child to make the "law" happy or the parents or the attorneys.  Our job is to advocate for these children and stand for them.  I am on my way out, this is true, I pray daily that God will give me the strength to stand strong till I am able to walk away.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Liebster Award, Part II

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Liebster Award

Alrighty!!!! I was "chosen" for this by Rogue. I'm just sure it was because I wanted my own smiley face. So.. here we go.

  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!
    So... I nominate....  Bonnie from My Bottom Smarts, Chelsea from Knowing your Roles, Clint from LDD, Grace from Enjoying the Journey, TL from Nobody Said it would be Easy, His First Mate, RedBootyWoman, Stormy, Tess, Ronnie, and.. Me My Husband and I...
    GOOD GRIEF!!!  That was hard...  Now on to the fun stuff...
    1.  What is your favorite kind of ice cream.
    2.  What is your favorite memory of your spouse/significant other?
    3.  Where would you like to travel if you could go anywhere in the world?
    4.  What is your favorite color?
    5.  Roller coaster or water rides?
    6.  Beach or the mountains?
    7.  What brought you to TTWD?
    8.  What do you like best about yourself?
    9.  Cat lover or dog lover?
    10.  Describe yourself in one word?
    11. Would you attend a social gathering of folks who practice DD?
    Now, tell me 11 random things about yourself...   I am really looking forward to your answers...

    The Liebster Award

    Alrighty!!!!  I was "chosen" for this by Rogue.  I'm just sure it was because I wanted my own smiley face.  So.. here we go.
  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!

  • Here are Rogue’s questions and my answers:

    • What is the first thing you notice about a man you just met?     Are his shoulders broad
    • What celebrity do you resemble?      Huh?  Yeah... no
    • What is one thing you swore you would never do....and did?     Have sex outside
    • How tall are you?     5'8
    • What color is the underwear you have on right now?     Emerald Green
    • Are your dreams in color or black and white?     both actually
    • Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl
    • What is your nickname?     I hat two.  The Man calls me Hot Stuff and my daddy calls me Sissy.
    • If you could go back in time, where would you go?      April 2005
    • What is the funniest thing you've ever heard a child say?     "Mom, I can't  listen to two people at one time, and my friend was talking...." Was my sons answer when I asked why he wasn't listening to the teacher.

    Eleven random facts about me...

    • My favorite color is purple
    • I have a big dog named Pixie
    • I have a vindictive streak when pushed to the max
    • I giggle when I'm tired
    • I am a very cheap date when I drink
    • I love my kids sense of sarcastic humor
    • I love to play practical pranks
    • I desperately want to go to Ireland
    • I talk in my sleep
    • I love lasagna
    Whew.... that was hard.  Now I'll have to do the nominating and questions in the morning..

    Friday, November 16, 2012

    You Can't Make Me....

    Sometimes, you just need room to breathe.  To think.  To feel.  The Man and I, we don't fight often.  A major issue between us has been my job.  I love it, he hates it and there's just no middle ground.  The last round of "I want you to quit."  "You can't make Me!!!" was rather painful.  And then, after some serious talking, thinking and alot of nasty ugly things, he uttered some very difficult words for him.   "I'm not going to ask you to quit  your job again." 

    That was two months ago.  I guess for those who don't know, I am a children's social worker.  I have been for 23 year in one capacity or another.  I have been in my current position for 11 years, almost 12.  As I sat writing court reports this last week, knowing I was going to be forced to return children into situations that at best, weren't in their best interest and at worst put them at high risk for abuse, something dropping into my heart and settled over my soul.

    In the years I've worked this job, I have said many things.
    • I'm tired
    • I'm overwhelmed
    • I'm weary to my soul
    • I don't know how long I can do this
    • I don't know how long I want to do this
    But I have never said what settled over my soul.  I hear that small voice say.... "I'm done."  Now for folks who are close to me, they know that is the finish line.  For me to be done, means there is no going back.  I want to leave while the kids and families I am working with can still say they had a damn fine social worker and never felt like a job.

    I can not leave right away, and in talking with The Man, we have agreed that I need to do this the right way in a way that maintains the reputation I have worked so very hard to build and maintain.  He was gentle as he told me, "I'm not going to push for a time frame, but I am going to begin to prepare us for you to leave."

    He humbled me.  He didn't gloat (and he could have).  He didn't fuss me out or get angry because I could have agreed to his decree two months ago, two years, ago, four... you get the idea. He didn't demand a time line.   It wasn't time then.  I needed room to breathe... to feel...  to let go.   Am I afraid?  Yes.  I don't know what is to become of the future.  I am not meant to stay at home.  I worked very hard to build my career.  I was, well mine.  It was the one thing I did well, when it felt that I had failed in so very much.  He is supportive of me.  He was kind, and my feelings mattered.  Ya just can't ask for more than that..

    Saturday, November 10, 2012

    Is there a support group for HoH Withdrawl?

    The time has come, the time is now...  I am sitting quietly, gathering up my strength to send The Man off with a smile on my face and making sure he knows just how much I love him.

    It has been a particularly sweet/struggle this time home.  We have learned and grown, and worked on us.  Sometimes, life gets so busy, that we put our relationship on the back burner, thinking it will just maintain itself till we can get back to it.  This we have learned is NOT the case. 

    I have not the strength to do for others if I have not filled my well with the reserves of his love and strength.  He can not fill my tank if I have not filled his.  It's like on the plane when they are talking about safety and it says, if you are helping someone, put YOUR oxygen on first.  I have to keep myself in good working order in order to do the things I must for others.  This has been a very hard lesson for me.  (Yeah, well don't be thinking I've got it down pat...)

    So, I will drive him to the airport.  We will talk, we will laugh, he will leave me instructions of things he would like to see done.  I will not cry as that breaks his heart and makes it difficult for him to leave..    (So I wait till I pull away).  I will hug him and kiss him and tell him to come home safely to me.  We are strong, but we are so much stronger together.  He will squeeze me tight and pat my bottom and promise he will.

    This is our song.  It is so... Us...  I love that Moon Hangin' Man of Mine.


    Friday, November 9, 2012

    I thought of Several Bloggers today...

    Here are some post cards... As I read them, I thought of several of you, whose blog I read and have had the joy of "meeting" on the network and on my own blog...




    Tuesday, November 6, 2012

    Larger than Life

    As we approach the Thanksgiving season in the US.  I was thinking today, as I was chatting with my Dad that I had some things I needed to share.  He'll never see this, and would be terribly embarassed if he did.

    My Daddy has always been larger than life.  He is a big burly man of Irish/Cherokee descent.  His family is everything.  His heart is as big as life and he has always been the go to person.  He has fixed a million cars for his nephews and our family.  He is a jack of all trades.  There is nothing he couldn't do with his hands.  We never had to "call the man" because he WAS the man. 

    He instilled in his children a sense of morality, right and wrong.  A strong work ethic was required and expected.  You were honest and you never took what didn't belong to you, and  you gave to those who needed it.  He honored his parents till the day they died.  It was the only time I ever saw him cry was when my grandpa died.  He has stood by my mother with a commitment that even I don't understand some days.

    Is he perfect?  Um, NO.  He has a temper that is legendary.  He was often gruff and harsh, not understanding that words hurt.  Emotions are hard for him as he was taught that men only show anger and no other kind of emotion.  So, he poured himself into doing things for those he loved.  That was the only way he could show it. 

    I remember a bike with a torn seat that had seen better days at a flea market.  (we were rather poor as children).  My Daddy bought that bike, brought it home, sanded it, took it apart, painted it the most awesome color of white and red with a new banana seat and handles with streamers.  I just know it went faster because of them.  Hours and hours he spent on that bike. 

    I remember the day I called with tears pouring down my face.. "Daddy, I lost the baby."  And the day I called and said, "Daddy.... DADDY.. it's  gonna be a boy."

    I remember my Daddy standing at the bedside of my son who was in the ICU, as he held my hand.

    I remember him saying, as I called broken hearted from a marriage that didn't make it, "Sissy, come home, as long as I have a home so do you."

    I remember laying my head in his lap and sobbing my heart out when my oldest son decided to go and live with his father.

    I remember him saying, "Sissy, you can't hold it against her.  She's not herself right now."

    I have said to The Man, whatever will I do when My Daddy is gone?  There will never be another human on this Earth that knows me like he does.

    I found this song, and it truly is My Daddy and I.  Although you will never see this... Big B, my life is so much richer because of you.

    Monday, November 5, 2012

    Welcome to the Spank Free Zone... Come one, Come All

    Hear Ye... Hear Ye.....  On this day, it is declared.. that Dana's Derriere is a Spank free ZONE...  Yep...  yep... yep.... NONE of this:

    WOOHOOO.. and what is it that Stormy says about TOG?  Yep..  it tastes Sweet as sugar on my tongue to say it...

    All joking aside...  and OH GOD, it was good to say it..  I have a pinched nerve in my hip and therefore, spanking would soooo not be a good idea.  I am working on it with the friendly chiropractor, and in all fairness to the Man....  I am trying very hard to behave and not vex him. 

    Yet, a girl has to have SOME fun.. so today, I passed by him and swatted HIM on the butt, and said, "Somebody needs to be spanked, and it can't be me..."  I know.. I like to walk on the wild side..  I think I have TOG's buddy living inside of me.  I think they talk...  However, I did straighten right up when he looked at me with those serious blue eyes and said... "Do NOT make me get creative.."  Yup, nuff said on that...

    Saturday, November 3, 2012

    Rocky... Rambo.. Braveheart...And Rob Roy...

    I love the underdog...  I love the movies where the men have courage, honor, determination, a spine of steel and a heart full of compassion.  So I married one.

    It has taken me almost two months to process and settle down some things that happened when my mother was in the hospital.  To be short and sweet, she said something that devastated me.  Over the years, there are periods of time that I come to terms with the fact that I am NOT the chosen child.  My mother, who does the best she can, needs me MUCH more than she loves me.  As long as I keep that in the FRONT, very front of my mind, I am okay.  It's when I forget that she has the ability to wound me so deeply.  There are times I can do nothing for the little girl inside me who will forever desperately wish her mother could love her and accept her.

    You see, I am not dainty.  I am not prissy.  I am not a socialite.  I am not elegant.  A good analogy is, I am not a thoroughbred.  I am a clydesdale.  I can get the work done.  I am loyal, but I'm not a show horse...  I will never be what my mother wanted in a daughter and as long as I remember that, we can be okay.  I love my mom.  I am devoted to both her and my Daddy. 

    Enter The Man.  In retrospect (thanks Cat) I can see that he was just desperate for his wife to have some relief.  There were some very hurtful things said.  He was sure the only way to relieve stress was for me to quit my job...  Well, folks, let me tell ya...  It's the only sanity I get.  Not to mention, they like me there, they appreciate me, they are a positve force in my life.  I am good at what I do.  I feel good about what I do there.  I feel competent there.

    After ALOT of just icky...  This is what I have seen in the Man this month home.  He has been kind.  He has been generous.  We haven't talked alot about things.  He has SHOWN me.  He has pursued me.  He has done the things that matter to me.  Like keeping the house clean.  Letting me know that he listened to what I said and made sure I knew my feelings mattered.  He has been on top of his game and I have been spanked as needed and he has made sure that I know that I am his number one priority. 

    No, he's not Sly, he's not Rob Roy, or Mel.  He's much better.  He's mine.  He has been decisive, and the most humbling thing, he has said when he was wrong and we have worked to make changes.  It takes such courage to admit when you missed the mark.  But, ya know what?  His willingness to be that vulnerable has paved the way for me to do the same.  Therefore, we are no longer in some kind of gridlock from hell, we are working together and that is awesome.