Saturday, October 6, 2012

Does He See Me????

Today is Saturday.  The Man comes home on Thursday.  It has been a very difficult time away this time.  There have been issues, and hurt feelings, trust issues, and did I mention smoking?  I thought not.  Anywho.... 

I have had to ask myself many things over the last two weeks.  I have had to ask him many things.  The main question being, Do I matter to you?  Me!!!  Not your wife, not the mother of your children, not my mother's daughter, not the social worker, not the children's church worker, not the warriors best friend, but me.

Me who has hopes and dreams.  Me who longs to be pursued.  Me who so desperately needs to feel his strength and to be sheltered under his protection.  Me who longs to be held.  Me who pushes against the rules to see if he cares enough to hold true.  Me who wants to matter more than anyone else.  Me who so desperately loves.  Just me.  Not what I can do, not what I can accomplish, not what I have accomplished, but just me.

We have fought, we have struggled, we have been unkind to one another.  I wanted answers, he didn't have one.  I pushed, he withdrew, he became cold, I panicked, I pushed.. and round and round we went.  So, I think I was able to get through to him the other day, and we decided not to talk for a couple of days to give him time.  It helped.  We have much to get through, but in my heart, I know we are going to be okay.

He realizes that I need his authority, but that my trust level is low and I am more than likely going to balk...  (who me?  Not me.....)  That he is going to have to prove that he can handle my emotions, as I'm not going to be overly willing to share at this point.  He also stated that he wants me to communicate and be open...  (Ya know, this last paragraph makes me tired just typing it...) 

I do believe that I am going spend a good bit of time OTK, and that is okay.  Cause that means he sees ME.  Me who needs to be taken in hand and know that he loves me enough to do just that.  I'll let ya know how I feel about all this in about a week......

3 comments:

  1. Physical separation, emotional family situations, self-doubt, busy schedules, and demanding job - hmmmm what else can we add to the mix? Oh yes, let's add little time for real communication, misunderstandings, and a need for more than just virtual *hugs*. Does that about cover it? Be gentle with yourself and with the Man - he does SEE you but maybe has just not communicated it in the way you want. You two will be fine, work through this bump in the road and come out stronger on the other side. Praying for both of you and excited that he will soon be home. Call anytime if you need anything.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  2. I so understand the feelings, Dana. 'Me who needs to be taken in hand and know that he loves me enough to do just that.' this so describes how I feel, the more insecure I feel the more I need him to take control, the absences do not help.

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  3. I'm so sorry you have had so much heartache. It's totally understandable that your trust is fragile. It's hard, when you've been terribly hurt by people you love, to forgive and move on. I'll pray for you to find the courage to completely trust your husband again because I believe he loves you as you need to be loved. And I believe you need to lean on him right now.

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