Sunday, October 28, 2012

You Say Tomato....

The Man and I haven't been an active part of this world we find ourselves in for long, at least not publically.  We are by nature very private people.  We had been learning to walk out this lifestyle for a while before we sought like minds on the net.  The Man actually found initially sites, (My Bottom Smarts- thanks Bonnie and Learning Domestic Discipline- Thanks Clint and Chelsea).  From there, I found others- Red Booty Woman and Sheltered in a Storm. (Thanks both of you for your kindness and openess).

Many of us come to this life from very different walks of life, from different places.  For example, just to name a few:

  • Some have marriages or relationships that were DD from the very beginning and know no other way.
  • Some enjoy erotic spanking and "kinky" sex along with having discipline in their relationship
  • Some have always been submissive to their husbands but are just now incorporating discipline
  • Some find NO sexual enjoyment from spanking or being disciplined
  • Some started with a BDSM flavor and incorporated a more traditional relationship with the man being dominant and taking responsibility for leading the relationship
  • Some women stumble on to the sites we all frequent to share their sorrow and pain from being abused and find that this lifestyle is not about being a door mat
The list goes on an on.  One thing that I find is a common thread is respect.  Relationships are based on respect.  So, if we have entered into a lifestyle where respect, care, communication, and protection are the foundation, I wonder why we in the community can't treat one another with the same attitude...  RESPECT.   Just as in my relationship with The Man, I don't always agree with him, but I always respect him.  I am disciplined if I do not respectfully communicate with him. 

Unfortunately, I am afraid that the anonynimity of being behind a screen gives the impression that we have the right to be unkind, cruel or disrespectful.  For example, if one chooses to become a member of a social network whose main focus is a DD relationship, that is where it should remain.  For exammple of you have joined the network of LDD and you are also heavily into BDSM, (which is ok and so not the point) I feel that you should focus on the DD part of your relationship.  In other words, you should never make others feel uncomfortable in the LDD  network with your BDSM flavor.  And the reverse is true for others who only practice DD to do the same at a BDSM site.

There is lots of information out here.  We all have opinions and insight.  Instead of slinging mud or usurping others good works, or pointing fingers, placing blame or in my mother's words, "Stirring the POT", we should practice with others what we have agreed to with our mates.  RESPECT.  I don't have to agree with everything you say to respect you and find merit in things that fit my life and help me through difficult times.  TTWD is hard enough, isolating enough without us isolating one another.  And in the vein of this post, my opinion and a buck will buy you a cheap cup of Java SOMEWHERE...  I just want t say that I appreciate everyone who has been such an encouragment  to me and have been so open and honest and helped me not to feel so alone.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Inquiring Minds and all that Jazz

Today's blog is based on the following excerpts from text messages from my phone...

Me:  Do I have to go to my Doctor's appointment today?

The Man:  Yes, NO excuses.

Me:  I don't much like you right now.

The Man:  I can live with that.

Later... after the steam has stopped rising from the top of my head...

Me:  I don't think I can do this...

The Man:  Yes you can.


Me:  I don't want to go to the Doctor, and the Man has already said no excuses...

Cat:  Sorry Sweetie... but I agree ...

Me:  I think I would rather take the spanking...  It surely won't be THAT bad...

Cat:  Ummmm  I think it's gonna be under the catergory of one that I never, EVER, EVER, ever want to do THAT again...

So, I went.  It was really hard, but I went.  Some good news, some not so good news, but nothing that can't be dealt with.

Even after all my anxiety and less than pleasant attitude, when I walked out into the lobby, sitting there was.... The Man, waiting patiently, lovingly, and all mine.  He opened his arms and I went to them. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Two places at once...

I wish I could be two places at once.  The Man was gracious enough to take me to see my number one son and daughter in love in Chicago.  We have had a wonderful time.  Again, I am without my phone or computer.  (We brought his) 

I watched as my son nervously cooked dinner for us, wanting to show me that he had picked up some of my cooking skills.  I had a huge lump in my throat as he said, "Shall we say grace?" and took the hand of his wife as well as mine and prayed.  We had dinner (which was yummy) and finished it out with an amazing lemon chess pie.  OMG...  it was really good.

This morning, as we went to worship with our kids, I heard from others in the community what an amazing man my son has become.  As a parent, this is the most humbling thing you can here.  "Your son is such a blessing to us.  You have raised an amazing man with a huge heart."  The father of their parish simply stated, "You have raised quite the miracle in him."  Again, I had a lump in my throat as my son got up to do the scripture reading and then led the prayer part of their service.  He has chosen a denomination different from my own, and I simply don't care.  As a parent, I am just thrilled he continues to walk with God and is contributing to better the lives of those around him.

I watched the pride in his eyes and the way he carried himself as he showed me his community garden that he revived this year.  You see, in the inner city, the children there are being diagnosed with rickets due to poor nutrition.  He is amazing and he is following the dream God has given him.

My daughter in love could be making ALOT of money but instead she has chosen to make a good living at a community health center where without her and others like her, the community would not have decent medical care.  She loves her patients and works with the local agency to provide care for children just coming into foster care.

Tomorrow I will have to say good bye.  Their life is here and mine is not.  Oh how I wish I could be two places at once.  I will hug my son and say to him what I have said since he was a child, "I miss your face when it's gone."

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Am I the only one who thinks God has a wicked sense of humor?

Let's face it...  some things in life could give one the impression that the Big Man upstairs has a cosmic sense of humor...

Ya know things like, the last 6 weeks of pregnancy is God's way of making labor not look SOOO bad...

Confessing what you THINK your husband knows, only to realize that wasn't it...

And my absolute favorite at this moment.  Being shown BEYOND a shadow of a doubt just HOW bad something can be so that you aren't only okay with going to the doctor, but wishing that the appointment was TOMORROW!!!!!
Like I said.. am I the only one who thinks God has a wicked sense of humor?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

He gets it... And so do I...

We had a wonderful weekend in Atlanta.  I truly had his undivided attention.   I heard several times throughout the weekend, "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"  It was always out of nowhere, not any time when it could be said, it was because of something I was doing.

I have to admit, nothing, NOTHING makes me bossier, brattier, or pushier than feeling uncertain, afraid, or like things are out of control.  He has shown me in a most loving way this weekend, that he gets it. Therefore, so have I.
I have been disciplined, I have been spanked till we both felt better (maintenance), swatted in public (in a playful/serious manner), expected to yield in obedience,  and so very loved.  I have been able to settle down, and feel secure.  He has stepped up and in that, I have been able to step under the shelter of his strength.  I find that I fit just perfectly under his arm, at his shoulder,  right next to his heart.
This place.. it is beside him.  He is taller, so he is over me, but I am there to keep him from falling.  I am there to support.  I am tucked under his heart, sheltered by his strength.  I truly believe that is what marriage is supposed to be.  It has been such a wonderful weekend.  Do I sometimes chafe at his authority?  Well, Yeah..  But he gets it.. and so do I....  And it's leading to quite a wonderful life we are living....

Friday, October 12, 2012

Maybe NOT the best tiime for total Honesty

So, The Man is home.  WOOOOHOOOOO...  Strike up the band folks.  It has been a very difficult month.  I picked him up from the airport and home we went.  Unfortunately there was about three hours before the whole let's get this over with spanking could occur.  I did my best, I truly did, but the last 30 minutes was just torturous. 

SOOO.....  he's being kind as he's lecturing, and it goes something like this:

The Man:  I'm sorry that we are here, and I know that you are sorry that you smoked.

Me:  Actually, I'm not.  I'm sorry that you are upset and that I disappointed you, but I feel like I did what I needed to do to maintain my sanity.  Given the same set of circumstances, I would do it again.

(I KNOW.... I KNOW...  Where were all of you when my mouth was just running... running... running...)

The look of shock/surprise on his face would have been comical had I not been about to go over his knees.  He did however recover well.  I got the whole, thank you for your honesty, and he meant it.  Just as he meant what came after.  He was firm, he was kind, and I was spanked.

Yet, in the aftermath is when I could straddle his lap, and lay my head on his shoulder, and as he held me, whisper, "I'm sorry for my part in making things so bad between us."  Which opened the door for him to hold me tight and say back,"and I am sorry for mine." 

He has taken me away for the weekend.  My phone has been left at home and so has my computer.  I have had his undivided attention and it's been great.  Do we have talking to do?  Yes..  but The Man is taking me to the Zoo today... 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Things that make you go... Hmmmmm

It is time for The Man to come home.  I am so excited.  It has been an extremely difficult month.  We have struggled more than usual.  We didn't handle it well.  He withdrew, I shut down and the wheels called our love came to a GRINDING halt.  It took some time, and patience and the healing began.

I am strangely at peace.  Things have been so up and down on the emotional roller coaster.  I was finally able to humbly ask my Man to help me.  Help me by being strong, being consistent and love me enough to lead.  Even if I balk (who me?)  I need him to be the strong man that I know will shelter me under his protection and love.

I have no illusions that this is gonna be a walk in the park.  I will need to remind myself that I am so very tired of feeling like I am all alone.  That everyone wants a piece of me and there just isn't enough to go around.  The reality is this:

1.  I am the wife of an amazing Man who is out of town 6 months out of the year.
2.  I am the mother of 4 awesome kids, two of whom have a very unique outlook on life.
3.  I am the daughter of a mother who has significant bipolar and is not stable.
4.  I am the daughter of a father who has a terminal illness.
5.  I am a Social worker for kids who need an advocate.
6.  I am me.

None of these things are changing.  Sooooooooo, what must change is HOW I deal with this.  I have taken it all on my own....  I got this.. I got this....  Damn.. I soooo don't have this.  Therefore, I have asked The Man to help me set boundaries.  Boundaries with my kids, boundaries with my Mom, boundaries with my job. 

Do I have a spanking coming?  Yes, I do.  I did the crime, I'll pay the dime.  Oddly enough, I'm not fearful.  Usually I am so beside myself by this time it's agony.  Oddly enough, I am calm.  I trust him to do the right things.  I trust him to love me enough to discipline.  To reconnect with me.  TTWD is a process.  We are growing, we are changing.  It's not always comfortable, but I take great comfort in knowing that we are doing it together.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Does He See Me????

Today is Saturday.  The Man comes home on Thursday.  It has been a very difficult time away this time.  There have been issues, and hurt feelings, trust issues, and did I mention smoking?  I thought not.  Anywho.... 

I have had to ask myself many things over the last two weeks.  I have had to ask him many things.  The main question being, Do I matter to you?  Me!!!  Not your wife, not the mother of your children, not my mother's daughter, not the social worker, not the children's church worker, not the warriors best friend, but me.

Me who has hopes and dreams.  Me who longs to be pursued.  Me who so desperately needs to feel his strength and to be sheltered under his protection.  Me who longs to be held.  Me who pushes against the rules to see if he cares enough to hold true.  Me who wants to matter more than anyone else.  Me who so desperately loves.  Just me.  Not what I can do, not what I can accomplish, not what I have accomplished, but just me.

We have fought, we have struggled, we have been unkind to one another.  I wanted answers, he didn't have one.  I pushed, he withdrew, he became cold, I panicked, I pushed.. and round and round we went.  So, I think I was able to get through to him the other day, and we decided not to talk for a couple of days to give him time.  It helped.  We have much to get through, but in my heart, I know we are going to be okay.

He realizes that I need his authority, but that my trust level is low and I am more than likely going to balk...  (who me?  Not me.....)  That he is going to have to prove that he can handle my emotions, as I'm not going to be overly willing to share at this point.  He also stated that he wants me to communicate and be open...  (Ya know, this last paragraph makes me tired just typing it...) 

I do believe that I am going spend a good bit of time OTK, and that is okay.  Cause that means he sees ME.  Me who needs to be taken in hand and know that he loves me enough to do just that.  I'll let ya know how I feel about all this in about a week......

Monday, October 1, 2012

It Spoke to me Today...

This song, it spoke to me today.  Now, I have a strong faith, and live my life a certain way.  I don't shove my love of Jesus on other people.  I try to live my example.  Music has always spoke to my heart in the good times and bad.  So many memories are wrapped up in music.

I am truly struggling right now.  Struggling to be submissive, struggling not to retreat, struggling not to just throw in the towel and go back to the way thing were.  I don't think either of us could do that. Struggling not to strike out in my pain and confusion. Struggling to trust that we will find a way to work through this and come out on the other side having not lost me.

 To me this song is the modern day version of  "Jesus loves me this I know."