Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Walking the Talk

Part of what has drawn me to comb through blogs is the honesty of the writers.  When I first found Sheltered in the Storm, I read it all, from the beginning to the end.  I appreciated Stormy's honesty in her feelings and struggles.  I zipped over to Red Booty Woman, and laughed with her and reached out to find her honest and kind.  I stumbled over to Learning Domestic Discipline and found respect for Clint and Chelsea and was humbled that they took the time to answer questions and have been so supportive as The Man and I have worked at making TTWD our own.  After reading, and reading, and lurking, and lurking...  I made a leap of faith and joined "the network" and found kinship, and support which has been so very invaluable to me.

All that being said, I have tried to keep things positive here about my feelings and relationship in my home.  Today, I am struggling.  I see the benefits of this life.  I am submissive in nature in that I long to please the man I love.  Yet, I have a strong personality, a strong will.  On days like today, I have feelings and thoughts like, "I am my own person."  "I don't want to lose me."  "Why should I have to ...... fill in the blank."  It's not anything that The Man has done.  I sometimes go through this when he is gone, or when he's home. 

I think things like.. If I wanna smoke, I should be able to smoke.  If I want to gorge on sugar, so be it.  Why am I doing this?  I don't HAVE to do this.  I can put the brakes on.  Why do I have to share my feelings?  Why do I have to be vulnerable?  Why do I care what he thinks?  What he feels?  Well, actually, those are easy.  I love him and I care about his feelings.  Anyway, On days like today, I feel smothered.  I feel caged in.  I feel so very alone. 

And, while I'm on the subject.  Am I allowed to be angry?  Am I allowed to be pissed off?  Am I allowed to have a bad day?  I mean some days it's just a sucky day, and add to it, I have to watch what I say, how I act.  It hardly seems worth it.  If I could just throw a fit, I'm sure I'd feel better.

Why does he get to tell me what to do? 

Yet, I want to make sure that I am understood.  He is good, he is kind.  These are my struggles.  This is the life I chose.  Begged for it actually.  My head knows that I need it.  Things are so out of control right now.  I am all over the place.  I am spinning.  I am sure tomorrow will look better, or at least I'll have a better handle on this.  I know we all struggle with this.  I know cause others were kind enough to be honest...

5 comments:

  1. Dear Dana, I am sending a warm hug your way and a pass for one long loud ole hollar! Now, feel a little better? It is hard when those feelings come up, but one little trick that works for me is when my husband tells me to do something that plucks my nerves; I take a look back and think, what if he didn't say anything in x situation. How would I feel? Sad. Annoyed. And then I try to laugh at myself for wanting it both ways. I do want him to tell me to go grab a sweater, he cares and wants me well; I don't want him to tell me to eat another d*** bite of meat! Please know we care and are here to listen. Love, Isabella

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  2. Dana, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Of course you are allowed to have a bad day and you are allowed to be angry. Choosing this lifestyle doesn't make us perfect. Sometimes life just stinks no matter what choices we make.

    I'm sorry you feel alone. There are many people who care about you, who understand. I hope tomorrow brings you peace of mind and a lighter heart.

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  3. We all have bad days and we all struggle sometimes! I don't think there is anything wrong with having thoughts like, "I don't want to lose me." I am sure that your husband doesn't want to lose you either! This lifestyle shouldn't be about changing your personality or the essence of who you truly are and if you genuinely feel like that is happening, it's probably time to take a step back and make sure you are both on the same page about what the real goals are. If it's more just a case of feeling overwhelmed with the changes that you truly are on board with, how you handle that stress is what's most important. You ARE allowed to get stressed and pissed and feel whatever else you are feeling! When I have an off day, I force myself to turn to him. For me, not keeping those feelings to myself usually makes all the difference. ((hugs))

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  4. Dana, It just seems like so many of the DD blogs are posting hard times right now. I don't know if it is the change of seasons, or what. My prayer list gets longer, however I've noticed the people that I actually know are having hard times also. I believe in prayer, I believe it changes things, and I will pray with others for you also. It makes me smile to see Isabella (from Molded By Him) commenting again. Because she was one who posted frequently and then stopped completely, I was very concerned. But many people prayed for her, and here she is. Many will pray for you too, Dana. May God Bless You with Everything You Need for everything Good comes from Him. Love and Prayers, Belle L.

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  5. Dana - You have received wonderful comments from some very wise ladies - I can't think of anything to add other than I'm praying for you and call me if you need to talk.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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