Part of what has drawn me to comb through blogs is the honesty of the writers. When I first found Sheltered in the Storm, I read it all, from the beginning to the end. I appreciated Stormy's honesty in her feelings and struggles. I zipped over to Red Booty Woman, and laughed with her and reached out to find her honest and kind. I stumbled over to Learning Domestic Discipline and found respect for Clint and Chelsea and was humbled that they took the time to answer questions and have been so supportive as The Man and I have worked at making TTWD our own. After reading, and reading, and lurking, and lurking... I made a leap of faith and joined "the network" and found kinship, and support which has been so very invaluable to me.
All that being said, I have tried to keep things positive here about my feelings and relationship in my home. Today, I am struggling. I see the benefits of this life. I am submissive in nature in that I long to please the man I love. Yet, I have a strong personality, a strong will. On days like today, I have feelings and thoughts like, "I am my own person." "I don't want to lose me." "Why should I have to ...... fill in the blank." It's not anything that The Man has done. I sometimes go through this when he is gone, or when he's home.
I think things like.. If I wanna smoke, I should be able to smoke. If I want to gorge on sugar, so be it. Why am I doing this? I don't HAVE to do this. I can put the brakes on. Why do I have to share my feelings? Why do I have to be vulnerable? Why do I care what he thinks? What he feels? Well, actually, those are easy. I love him and I care about his feelings. Anyway, On days like today, I feel smothered. I feel caged in. I feel so very alone.
And, while I'm on the subject. Am I allowed to be angry? Am I allowed to be pissed off? Am I allowed to have a bad day? I mean some days it's just a sucky day, and add to it, I have to watch what I say, how I act. It hardly seems worth it. If I could just throw a fit, I'm sure I'd feel better.
Why does he get to tell me what to do?
Yet, I want to make sure that I am understood. He is good, he is kind. These are my struggles. This is the life I chose. Begged for it actually. My head knows that I need it. Things are so out of control right now. I am all over the place. I am spinning. I am sure tomorrow will look better, or at least I'll have a better handle on this. I know we all struggle with this. I know cause others were kind enough to be honest...