I guess it's my time to take a turn at the OMG what am I doing phase of this life. I have read so many blogs, and had hoped that by doing so, I would dodge what I have come to believe the common ailments of TTWD. I have also come to know it's in the growing that things change.
First of all, let me say, these are MY feelings. He is a good man, and honorable man. He is also human and makes mistakes. They are not made with malice or evil intent. I have come to know this doesn't make the hurt any less. I want it made clear he isn't abusive or mean and I don't need saving.
This life we live, it forces me to be more honest, vulnerable and open. The goody's about this is pretty amazing. However, when the pain comes along I find it may be more than I can bear. There was no barrier, nothing to muffle the pain when the accusation was leveled. (it doesn't matter what it was, only that I felt attacked and betrayed) You see, I had been honest with him and shared with him information that I feel he turned and used against me. Quite frankly, in my heart it was shattering.
He says it wasn't meant to be that way, and I believe him. That however does not change how I feel. Hence the title, I may be able to trust you with my bottom, but my heart is another matter. I took a chance and let him in and it hasn't turned out very well. I didn't hold back that little part, and I find the pain excruciating.
I am honest enough to say I believe that the issues with my mother and all the trash from my childhood that she brought to the surface has made this all the more sensitive. When your mother can't love you as a mother should, and it feels like your husband can't, then you start looking to see what is wrong with "me". Cause there has to be some flaw in me, something that makes those I love the most turn from me at a most pivotal moment.
I find that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that. I don't know where we go from here. I love my husband, I am just so very wounded at this point, I have completely withdrawn.