Friday, September 28, 2012

I can trust you with my bottom but what about my heart?

I guess it's my time to take a turn at the OMG what am I doing phase of this life.  I have read so many blogs, and had hoped that by doing so, I would dodge what I have come to believe the common ailments of TTWD.  I have also come to know it's in the growing that things change.

First of all, let me say, these are MY feelings.  He is a good man, and honorable man.  He is also human and makes mistakes.  They are not made with malice or evil intent.  I have come to know this doesn't make the hurt any less.  I want it made clear he isn't abusive or mean and I don't need saving.

This life we live, it forces me to be more honest, vulnerable and open.  The goody's about this is pretty amazing.  However, when the pain comes along I find it may be more than I can bear.  There was no barrier, nothing to muffle the pain when the accusation was leveled.  (it doesn't matter what it was, only that I felt attacked and betrayed)  You see, I had been honest with him and shared with him information that I feel he turned and used against me.  Quite frankly, in my heart it was shattering. 

He says it wasn't meant to be that way, and I believe him.  That however does not change how I feel.  Hence the title, I may be able to trust you with my bottom, but my heart is another matter.  I took a chance and let him in and it hasn't turned out very well.  I didn't hold back that little part, and I find the pain excruciating.

I am honest enough to say I believe that the issues with my mother and all the trash from my childhood that she brought to the surface has made this all the more sensitive.  When your mother can't love you as a mother should, and it feels like your husband can't, then you start looking to see what is wrong with "me".  Cause there has to be some flaw in me, something that makes those I love the most turn from me at a most pivotal moment.

I find that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that.  I don't know where we go from here.  I love my husband, I am just so very wounded at this point, I have completely withdrawn.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Sweet Dana - We are all flawed human beings in some way, shape, or form but you are NOT flawed in any way to make someone turn away from you.

    Your mother has an illness and issues that are not yours - it is very much her loss that she cannot SEE her wonderful, loving daughter.

    I don't need to know what you told the Man but what I will say "from hard-earned experience" is that as a flawed human, what you told him might have knocked him for a loop and what came out of his mouth was not what he intended. Once he wraps his head around the information and get his feet under him, I think his response will be different.

    I know that of anyone, he has the power to hurt you most but please don't hurt yourself, him, and your relationship by withdrawing. Write him a letter, ask him to sit down, and quietly listen to what you read with no feedback. Once you are finished, ask him to really think about what you have said before giving you any feedback. Depending on how raw you both are, this may have to wait a day but please don't let it fester. You have come a long way and grown so much. Be very proud of the woman you are - as your friend, I am.

    Call if you need to talk (anytime - I MEAN IT!)

    Prayers and blessings,
    Cat

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    1. You are the most amazing person on the planet. Thank you much for taking the time to talk to me today!!!

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    2. Thank you so much. Call any time.

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  2. Hi Dana~

    I don't know your whole story, and I don't need to....I just want to say, I understand. This type of life is so hard....it just leaves us vulnerable. I feel like since Ryan and I began down this road that I am so....exposed. There is no more hiding, no more building walls....and that is just so very hard. I think it is hard to have that level of trust in anyone. I know he has hurt me with his words...not meaning to....

    I wish there was some magic handbook for ttwd....I keep waiting for it to fall from the sky with the portions highlighted that I need to know about ;) I'll let you know when that happens :)

    Until then....keep writing, we will be here to listen...and I promise a lot of us will be nodding our head and understanding!

    Hang in there :)

    ~Lucy

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    1. You get that book.. you could make BIG money. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone..

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  3. Dana, I don't have any words of wisdom to share; however, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Marcia

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