Some people struggle with booze, some with pills, some with illegal drugs, some with sex, some with gambling. My drug of choice is food. I have struggled with it my entire life. It was my comfort when things were bad.
It was my friend when my mother was off the deep end. It made me feel good when I felt bad about something, anything...
I was doing so very well. I had lost 45 pounds, and was really moving toward my goal. Then, we had a car accident and then I had emergency surgery and then... you get the picture.
This last month, I have slid backwards in my habits. The Man has been kind. He has been understanding. He has said that Monday is the THE, THE day. I am going to visit a gym today because I can't seem to make headway on my own anymore. I have been given permission to have a personal trainer. I am also to present my plan to him by Monday. so, it's back to the diet I know works, and learning some different ways to exercise.
I already miss my friend. Food has been there when no one else was. The Man does not care how much I weigh. He does however care about my health and how bad it makes me feel about myself. I have a goal. I want to obtain that goal. I want to say that I made it. That I completed this task. That I did not let this overtake me and win.
Well, that is when I don't want to swallow a whole cake because things are so stressful that I need to "feel" better. I am learning new ways to "feel" better. So, it's time to move ahead. There is no treading water here. There is only going under or rising above. I do NOT want to be a quitter. I don't want to feel like a failure. I don't want to let this beat me. I am smart enough to know it's more than food, and I'm working on it.
I figure if I put it out here, then I'm accountable. It's not this big secret I am carrying around. Food is not illegal, that is true. However, it is against the rules of our home for me to intentionally do things that aren't good for me, or our relationship. Me being overweight causes health problems. Me being overweight robs me of my confidence. Be being overweight makes me feel not attractive and self conscious in our intimate relationship. Being overweight sets a poor example for my kids.
I need reminded of these things when I get discouraged. I fear I will not be able to finish the race. That is my worst fear is that I just don't have it to stick to it and win. Some things are just hard. I need him to be consistent and strict. He is so good to praise and encourage. I love that about him. I also need him to be very consistent with this. I truly need his help to obtain this goal that is so very important to me. I want to lose around 50 more pounds. I want to be healthy. I want to not be ashamed when I look in the mirror. I want to treat my body with respect.
I struggle with self discipline, especially in this area. However, I am a pleaser at heart. I know that to disappoint him is crushing to me. I am so glad that he loves me enough to go the extra mile. Here's to believing I've got it to.... "Git er done!!!!"