Saturday, September 29, 2012

We can learn much from Animals....

It is time for a little comic relief folks.  We can learn much from animals...


Okay I love this one...
I often feel this way at work!!!
Anyone on a diet can understand...
Okay.. my kids say I have a look just like this..
AND... I need this on a sweatshirt..
What every parent should use...
Now I just knew there was much to be learned from the animal kingdom.  I hope I was able to provide a chuckle!!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

I can trust you with my bottom but what about my heart?

I guess it's my time to take a turn at the OMG what am I doing phase of this life.  I have read so many blogs, and had hoped that by doing so, I would dodge what I have come to believe the common ailments of TTWD.  I have also come to know it's in the growing that things change.

First of all, let me say, these are MY feelings.  He is a good man, and honorable man.  He is also human and makes mistakes.  They are not made with malice or evil intent.  I have come to know this doesn't make the hurt any less.  I want it made clear he isn't abusive or mean and I don't need saving.

This life we live, it forces me to be more honest, vulnerable and open.  The goody's about this is pretty amazing.  However, when the pain comes along I find it may be more than I can bear.  There was no barrier, nothing to muffle the pain when the accusation was leveled.  (it doesn't matter what it was, only that I felt attacked and betrayed)  You see, I had been honest with him and shared with him information that I feel he turned and used against me.  Quite frankly, in my heart it was shattering. 

He says it wasn't meant to be that way, and I believe him.  That however does not change how I feel.  Hence the title, I may be able to trust you with my bottom, but my heart is another matter.  I took a chance and let him in and it hasn't turned out very well.  I didn't hold back that little part, and I find the pain excruciating.

I am honest enough to say I believe that the issues with my mother and all the trash from my childhood that she brought to the surface has made this all the more sensitive.  When your mother can't love you as a mother should, and it feels like your husband can't, then you start looking to see what is wrong with "me".  Cause there has to be some flaw in me, something that makes those I love the most turn from me at a most pivotal moment.

I find that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that.  I don't know where we go from here.  I love my husband, I am just so very wounded at this point, I have completely withdrawn.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Walking the Talk

Part of what has drawn me to comb through blogs is the honesty of the writers.  When I first found Sheltered in the Storm, I read it all, from the beginning to the end.  I appreciated Stormy's honesty in her feelings and struggles.  I zipped over to Red Booty Woman, and laughed with her and reached out to find her honest and kind.  I stumbled over to Learning Domestic Discipline and found respect for Clint and Chelsea and was humbled that they took the time to answer questions and have been so supportive as The Man and I have worked at making TTWD our own.  After reading, and reading, and lurking, and lurking...  I made a leap of faith and joined "the network" and found kinship, and support which has been so very invaluable to me.

All that being said, I have tried to keep things positive here about my feelings and relationship in my home.  Today, I am struggling.  I see the benefits of this life.  I am submissive in nature in that I long to please the man I love.  Yet, I have a strong personality, a strong will.  On days like today, I have feelings and thoughts like, "I am my own person."  "I don't want to lose me."  "Why should I have to ...... fill in the blank."  It's not anything that The Man has done.  I sometimes go through this when he is gone, or when he's home. 

I think things like.. If I wanna smoke, I should be able to smoke.  If I want to gorge on sugar, so be it.  Why am I doing this?  I don't HAVE to do this.  I can put the brakes on.  Why do I have to share my feelings?  Why do I have to be vulnerable?  Why do I care what he thinks?  What he feels?  Well, actually, those are easy.  I love him and I care about his feelings.  Anyway, On days like today, I feel smothered.  I feel caged in.  I feel so very alone. 

And, while I'm on the subject.  Am I allowed to be angry?  Am I allowed to be pissed off?  Am I allowed to have a bad day?  I mean some days it's just a sucky day, and add to it, I have to watch what I say, how I act.  It hardly seems worth it.  If I could just throw a fit, I'm sure I'd feel better.

Why does he get to tell me what to do? 

Yet, I want to make sure that I am understood.  He is good, he is kind.  These are my struggles.  This is the life I chose.  Begged for it actually.  My head knows that I need it.  Things are so out of control right now.  I am all over the place.  I am spinning.  I am sure tomorrow will look better, or at least I'll have a better handle on this.  I know we all struggle with this.  I know cause others were kind enough to be honest...

Sunday, September 23, 2012

OKAY!! Who did it?

I have been "involved" with the network and blogland for a few months now.  I have often felt sorry for the other gals whose HoH seem much stricter than mine.  I have however figured out, that TTWD is a tailor made fit for each couple.  The Man doesn't want to micro-manage me, and I don't know that I could live under that kind of strain.  I fear I would drive myself crazy and become resentful and bitter in the "trying" to get things just right. 

That being said, in the times when I am so stressed and I feel like things are pulling me in all directions and there isn't enough of me to go around, I find that I can't get ANYTHING done.  I'm either too overwhelmed to even begin the tasks I need to do or I can't seem to figure out where to start.  In desperation, yesterday I asked the Man to hold me accountable for a list of tasks I wanted to get done yesterday.  He agreed, AND.

He informed me that I would need to be in bed at a certain time.  So....  the ONLY thing I can figure is that one of the OTHER Hoh'y type people has unduly influenced mine...  Add with that the fact I now have a writing assignment to help me to help him figure out the demands on my time...  Yep, I'm sure of it.  I'm so appreciative... NOT....
So in a very short amount of time I have experienced the following:
  • A writing assignment (it's not punishment, but one is going to come down the pike IF I don't get it done.)
  • A bedtime
  • A dead line for a doctor's apointment
  • Accountability for tasks 
And he's done it in a very quiet, calm, no nonsense, I love you and it's not up for debate kinda way.  He always listens and makes decisions accordingly.  You know like, I did the two rooms I said in the house yesterday, but didn't get the number of loads laundry done because one of the kids had one in the washer, and then turned the dryer off and I didn't realize it.  Or when I explain that I took a nap as he encouraged, and I'm not tired. 
Yeah, the writing assignment is iron clad as is that doctor's appointment.  I tried to wiggle my way out of the assignment, but it's a NO go, and well, we won't discuss that appointment again.  I sometimes (gggrrrr) chafe at this new turn of events.  Yet, I feel better, am calmer.  Go figure!!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Well.. Just GRRRRR

I know that my halo is all shiney and stuff.  Being as though I am just so good at this whole yielding thing...  (yes, folks you may need to get your waders out, it's getting deep quickly)


I just have this one itty bitty small, really... Hardly noticeable flaw...  I hate being told what to do when it has ANYTHING to do with me, my body in particular.  Time has come, the time is now!  for those of you who have been with me from the beginning of this short journey.  You KNOW, that The Man has insisted on a doctor's appointment with my least favorite doctor, the GYN.  Who comes up with these names?    I have a few more that might be a little more appropriate....

However, since I am wearing my halo.. all shiney and bright...

Doesn't she look happy? 
So...  I was given the overbearing, dictatorial,  loving, instruction to have an appointment made with the doctor by Friday.  I am aware that I am TOTALLY out of grace, leniency, miracles, tolerance, whatever you want to put here.
It would be much easier if I was just being a brat about it.  I would much rather be a brat about it.  However, the bottom line is I am terrified of this kind of doctor.  I can't bear for The Man to go because it so hard for me and I am embarassed and humiliated at how hard it is for me, and I fear I wouldn't be able to hold myself together if he went.  (I tend to not be able to build walls when he is around, that's a good thing right?)  Yet, to have to go, I feel like I am leading myself to the slaughter.  I hate having to discuss things, especially when I suspect know something is wrong.
I am ashamed of my weakness.  I am angry at being made to do something I don't want, even though I know he feels its for my own good.  This is the struggle.  I know many have struggled.  He has made a decision, I don't like it.  It is my choice to submit.  It is also my choice to yield with a respectful attitude.  I'm not feeling either one right now..  The good news is I have till Friday.....

Sunday, September 16, 2012

On the Eve of a New Beginning

Well tomorrow is the day.  I went shopping today after making out a menu.  The ground rules have been set, and I go tomorrow to talk with a personal trainer.

This is not easy for me, and it's not easy for him.  The Man does NOT like to spank me, or discipline me.  I have promised to be honest and that means he will have to.  I'm human and well I like cookies...

I thought about it and prayed about it and this is what I sent The Man today.  I am putting it here so that IF (never not me) I should ever whine and complain, you all can remind me of what I promised, of my OWN free will.

Upon thinking and reflecting about what I want from this journey, I have come to the following conclusions:
1.        My body was wonderfully designed by God, and it is not right for me to treat it disrespectfully.

2.       I have committed to not damage our relationship.  When I don’t eat right, it causes problems for us in the areas of intimacy, and my ability to thrive in our relationship.

3.       When I choose not to eat right, I am a poor example for our children.

4.       When I choose to not take care of my health, I am breaking the rule of not exercising dangerous behavior, as it leads to health problems.

5.       I understand that my need to find comfort in food is a form of distancing from you.  I should turn to you for comfort, not destructive behaviors that make me feel bad about myself and defeats my goals.

That being said, I promise the following:
1.        To keep my daily food log.

2.       To exercise 5 days a week.

3.       To work on the things emotionally that causes me to want to eat.

4.       To be honest with you in my food log and exercise log, even if it means punishment.

5.       I will accept your discipline with the understanding it wipes the slate clean and every day is a new day.

6.       I will find ways to be good to myself and strive to become acceptable to myself. 

I am asking you to: 

1.        Be consistent.  Help me be consistent.  I need your strength to hold me accountable. 

2.       I need you to love me enough to discipline me.  This is nothing you are doing to me.  You are helping me in a way that I am asking you to for my own sake.

3.       Help me to keep on my schedule even when you are home.

I love you so very much for loving me enough to walk this journey with me.

So, as you can see, it's all or nothing.  Wish me luck, and pray the CEO at McDonald's doesn't  here about this...

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Back on the Wagon.....

Some people struggle with booze, some with pills, some with illegal drugs, some with sex, some with gambling.  My drug of choice is food.  I have struggled with it my entire life.  It was my comfort when things were bad. 

It was my friend when my mother was off the deep end.  It made me feel good when I felt bad about something, anything...

I was doing so very well.  I had lost 45 pounds, and was really moving toward my goal.  Then, we had a car accident and then I had emergency surgery and then... you get the picture.

This last month, I have slid backwards in my habits.  The Man has been kind.  He has been understanding.  He has said that Monday is the THE, THE day.  I am going to visit a gym today because I can't seem to make headway on my own anymore.  I have been given permission to have  a personal trainer.  I am also to present my plan to him by Monday.  so, it's back to the diet I know works, and learning some different ways to exercise.

I already miss my friend.  Food has been there when no one else was.  The Man does not care how much I weigh.  He does however care about my health and how bad it makes me feel about myself.  I have a goal.  I want to obtain that goal.  I want to say that I made it.  That I completed this task.  That I did not let this overtake me and win.

Well, that is when I don't want to swallow a whole cake because things are so stressful that I need to "feel" better.  I am learning new ways to "feel" better.  So, it's time to move ahead.  There is no treading water here.  There is only going under or rising above.  I do NOT want to be a quitter.  I don't want to feel like a failure.  I don't want to let this beat me.  I am smart enough to know it's more than food, and I'm working on it. 

I figure if I put it out here, then I'm accountable.  It's not this big secret I am carrying around.  Food is not illegal, that is true.  However, it is against the rules of our home for me to intentionally do things that aren't good for me, or our relationship.  Me being overweight causes health problems.  Me being overweight robs me of my confidence.  Be being overweight makes me feel not attractive and self conscious in our intimate relationship.  Being overweight sets a poor example for my kids.

I need reminded of these things when I get discouraged.  I fear I will not be able to finish the race.  That is my worst fear is that I just don't have it to stick to it and win.  Some things are just hard.  I need him to be consistent and strict.  He is so good to praise and encourage.  I love that about him.  I also need him to be very consistent with this.  I truly need his help to obtain this goal that is so very important to me.  I want to lose around 50 more pounds.  I want to be healthy.  I want to not be ashamed when I look in the mirror.   I want to treat my body with respect.

I struggle with self discipline, especially in this area.  However, I am a pleaser at heart.  I know that to disappoint him is crushing to me.  I am so glad that he loves me enough to go the extra mile.  Here's to believing I've got it to.... "Git er done!!!!"

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Taking a "Hit" for the team...

So.... I have been "chosen", selected to endure training this week.  My coworker and I are having to take a hit for the team.  The following pictures were taken where we are "training".


I know, it's terrible.  The agony of it all...  We are really struggling... taking this hit for the team.  We are having to buck up...  We walked on the beach, collected sea shells, and it was wonderful.
My friend is helping me to relax.  My mother was released today, and I am trying very hard not to stress over the fact that I am not there.  She sounded good, in good spirits and very happy to be home..  I am very thankful for that.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Treading Water while Holding an Anchor

This week has definitely been one of my more memorable emotional roller coaster rides.  Now I know that there are some that LOVE roller coaster rides, the thrill, the fear, the wild feeling, the sinking feeling in your belly, and I'm not one of them.  You see, I have an incredible fear of heights.  I am also terrified as the car goes up and up and up with NO way to get off.  Knowing there is nothing to do but endure till the end.  There is no way to stop it, slow it down, derail it, or GET OFF.  You have no control of what happens to you on this ride.  The bumps, the jerks, the pressure, the inability to breathe, the feeling that your heart is going to explode in your chest, your mouth open in a silent scream that just won't come out because you don't have enough air to give it life...  Oh wait, yeah that describes this weeks family meeting at the hospital.

I will continue to protect my parents where I can.  I just need to talk about what it is like to love someone who has a mental illness.  My mother is a wonderful woman.  She is bright, she is loving, she is creative, she is loyal, she is kind, she is funny, WHEN she is stable.  When she is not, the only way I can cope is to tell myself, "This is not my mother."

Still, even with being able to logically tell myself this, does not, I repeat NOT fix, or make easier the cruelty that comes with this disease.  The manipulation, the emotional games that hold our family hostage, the hostility, the irrational behavior, the evil, vile words that are spewed all over our family, and the crushing blows that come from one who is supposed to love and nurture.

The nature of this disease uncontrolled leaves the entire family a casualty.  NOBODY walks away unscathed.  We are all the walking wounded.  We all have the bleary eyed look of the totally bewildered, the shell shocked, the devastated.  The crushing feeling of not being able to do things like this anymore, that we must find another way.  The crushing reality that mom may not be able to come home ever, that she made need around the clock supervision for the rest of her life.  That we as a family may have to make decisions that will make her hate us for the rest of her life in order for her to HAVE a life. 

The crushing guilt of having to set the emotional boundaries with her so that you can continue to function.  Of saying to yourself, "No longer will she have total access to my heart.  I just can't take the pain anymore when she spews her venom."  Some things, I'm sorry just doesn't cover, whether you are sick or not.  The crushing guilt of making the decision that your family will not survive her living in your home.  The absolute panic and fear that the hospital is going to release her while I am away at training, leaving my father alone with her. 

The knowing that The Man leaves on Monday and feeling like there is not enough of me to go around.  I want to be what he needs.  I have one day left, and I was so exhausted, he couldn't even wake me to go to church this morning.  So, I am going to finish this and then hop up and do some laundry.  I am going to spend the day with my family, get ready to go for training, and soak up as much strength as I can from The Man.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Silent Shame

I don't even know how to start this blog.  I have sat here staring at the screen for 20 minutes.  My head so full, my heart so heavy and my soul bursting with a pain so intense I find it hard to breathe

  If I were to say " We found out my mom has diabetes", there would be an outpouring of sympathy and support.  If I were to say, "We found out my mom has a degeneratize disease", again many would offer support.  If I were to say, "My mom had a heart attack or stroke", the response would be overwhelming.  If I were to say, "They found Cancer and my mom is dying", our family would never have to face this alone.

I am thankful that my mother has none of these things.  I checked my mother into the hospital last night.  We arrived at the hospital at the prearranged time.  I explained we were here to check into the Hope Center.  We waited, and after signing in, we trudged past the stain glass windows of the Chapel, down a corridor, into the elavator, along with the sympathetic looks as we went to the second floor.  You see, the only thing on the second floor is the psychiatric care units.  We have been here before.  My mother is severely bi-polar and has spun into the well of blackness in her mind that leads us here.

I am asked to check my purse and hers, my dad to give up his cell phone and keys as we are led to "the unit".  It sounds like a millitary term doesn't it?  It should.  The lost souls here are battling for this precious thing we all call sanity.  The battle is fierce, long and often lost.  We are asked to stand outside in the hallway as my mother suffers the indignity of a strip search for safety.  She is adorned with the bracelet of "high risk" which means she is on suicide watch.  I looked into the eyes of the other women on the unit.  Acknowledging that I see them, that they are worthy of being seen as I am waiting in the hall.  I receive sad smiles, relief and empty gazes from these lost souls.

We are given a schedule of when we can visit, a code-this code allows the hospital to acknowledge she is there, phone numbers that we can call to talk with her, between treatment and groups.  Everyone speaks softly, calmly, like you would a wild animal.  That is okay because that is what it feels like.  You are trapped, trapped in this nightmare.  The walking wounded.  I have long learned when you explain that no, you can't visit her in the hospital because of where she is, to expect the dropping of the eyes.  I know it is to hide the horror, the embarassment, the pity.  God how I hate the pity.  I wonder is that pity for her or me?  Do they wonder if I am ill as well?  Do they wonder if it's only a matter of time before I am?  I often wonder if they are afraid it's contagious...

And then, it is time to leave.  You see, this is the only place in the hospital where you are not allowed to stay with your loved one.  There is no "ICU" waiting room to receive regular updates.  I have the painful burden of requesting a drug test for my mother in front of my father.  You see when she is unstable, she self medicates.  We get our things and trudge back downstairs, past the stain glass windows of the chapel, and into the parking lot.  The family of the walking wounded.

I try again to have the conversation with the big burly Irishman I call my Dad, that she has a sickness in her mind that is never going away.  This is what we will have, times of instability.  That there is NO cure only maintaining stability.  That he needed to check the bank accounts, and what did he want to see happen. 

I come home to The Man, who understands that I smoked.  That allows me to smoke as I begin to call various family members.  Who finally sits in our chair and bids me come.  I crawl in his lap and tell him that I need him to make the decisions for a while.  He holds me and strokes my hair and then tells me to get my swim suit on.  We walk to the pool at 11pm and I swim and walk and work out till my legs are so tired they feel like rubber.  I sing hymns and swim and cry.  He brings me inside to the shower, and gets in behind me and washes my hair.  He tells me that he intends to give me relief from thinking about this for a while.

This Man of mine, he spanks me and rubs my back and spanks me, and rubs my back.  Only ever using his hand, always telling me how much he loves me and I am his and he is mine.  He offers me the comfort of his body and I forget for a little while.

Monday, September 3, 2012

And The Magic Words Are...

All in all we have had a wonderful weekend.  We ended up with 19 people at our house for a cook out for the Man's birthday.  It was awesome.  I love to entertain.  I also get spun up when things don't go just right.  I feel like it's a poor reflection on me.

Well, everyone had a wonderful time.  The grill didn't work out quite like planned, but the Man fixed it.  Which brings me to the Magic words...  Ya know "THOSE" words.  The ones that say, stop now, cease desist, knock it off..  You get the idea.

I have come to realize when I hear the words, "Alright, Little Girl" in just that tone, It's time to STOP.  He is becoming more confident in his role, and I am in mine.  I am able to relax, most of the time.  There are still times when only a spanking will do.  Only time with my bottom in the air and the hand or paddle being applied resets my emotions, releases the nerves and stress.

He has also figured out other things.  he insists that I rest.  He takes time to work out with me in the pool and makes sure that I just relax.  He is coming to understand how much the house means to me and he is working to make sure things don't fall apart while he's home.

We don't always get it right.  DD doesn't make life all better, but it does make it easier to get through things.  We still have moments.  I have been rude to him and apologized immediately.  I sometimes wish  he would hold me accountable for those times.  They are fewer and further between, but still something I struggle with.

He struggles with ADD, and TTWD has had huge benefits for him.  He holds himself to a much higher standard and works to be a man I can respect.  On an amusing note, he threatened to spank me in public the other day.  Not that he would in public, but mentioned..  I said, "WE are in public."  He said, "Nobody knows you here, and nobdy heard it but you, so STRAIGHTEN up!!"  I blushed, chuckled, and STRAIGHTENED UP.  So, do any of the rest of you have something besides The Look that tells you  that you are headed down the path of a red tush?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Today is The Man's birthday.  We are having a cook out.  I know I have talked a good bit about The Man, but on this "His Day", I thought I would tell ya why I think he's awesome.

AWESOME FACT:  This Man of mine has such a generous heart.  He is willing to help anyone in a time of need, and I don't mean just throwing money at it.  I mean special things, like allowing a man who obviously has spent his whole life providing for his family and has lost his job to go through our yard, and stuff and "haul off" scrap metal that we could have gotten money back on.  In other words, My Man didn't give him a hand out.  He allowed him to keep his dignity and still provide for his family. 

This Man of mine loves, LOVES to give anonymously, and not only allows me to do so but encourages me to find situations that we can be of assistance.

AWESOME FACT:  This Man of Mine has the reputation of being a decent, honest man of integrity.  He is known to be a Godly Man who is the spiritual leader of our family.  He is a good friend, loyal, kind, and funny.  Did I mention he has the most amazing sense of humor?

AWESOME FACT:  This Man of Mine has a mind that is always thinking.  He is brilliant.  His mind must have a challenge.  It must have something to process.  He has the ability to fix so many things.  When he is home I NEVER have to call anyone if something is broken.  Yeah, ladies I know there is jealously over that, but remember, 6 months out of the year, I have to call someone, because he's not home.

AWESOME FACT:  He is my Wanderer.  He loves adventure.  He needs, MUST have the thrill, the excitement of the job he does.  Yet, he understands my need to make a home, be a homebody.  He is constantly hunting for ways and projects to make our home what we want it to be.

AWESOME FACT:  The Man of Mine is my soul mate.  I am a better person because of him.  I am safer, more settled, and can be softer.  I can keep the expectations I have for myself because he helps hold me accountable.  He has taken the mantle of authority in our home and we have BOTH benefitted from it and not only us but all of our children.

So, all that being said, Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!!  I love you with all of my heart.